How to blend our new crazy family with this baby

ckrose36

This is my first post.... I'm looking for advice! I'm with my boyfriend for about 9 months. We are both divorced. I have a 6 and 9 yr old. He has a 22 yr old, 21 yr old, and 11 yr Old. The 22 and 21 are both married w children and are pregnant with babies due this spring! WELL... We just found out I'm pregnant (unplanned of course... ). We had already planned on getting married this summer... So..... now it's just on the fast track..lol! Here's the problems... we are grandparents AND having a baby??!! We are nervous about telling the 3 younger kids... this is a crazy family right? ! My feeling is that we love each other so much...our kids will see that...and this baby will unite us all. Crazy? !

ambrvan

Don't sweat it so much, honestly. Just make sure baby doesn't change the relationships you already have with current children/grandchildren.

I am 25, and I have an 8yo SD and 4yo DS. In addition to my 17yo full brother, my mother now has a 3yo daughter and twin boys due (officially) in January. These younger children are with my stepdad, who was never married before nor had he any children before.

My mom and I are just rebuilding our relationship, but it has nothing to do with the younger children. I adore my little sister, though we don't really know each other. And my brother absolutely adores her, too.

My biggest issue with my mom (currently) is that she thinks of me more as a sister, and she doesn't think of my children as her grandchildren. She never tells anyone she has grandkids, she only occasionally mentions that I have children older than her youngest. It bothers me that they will never have her as a grandmother and that I will never really have her as a mother.

ckrose36

Thanks for writing! I agree we need to try really hard not to let this baby affect our current relationship with our kids... and you are right about the older kids.. that your mom treats you more like a sister... well his two prego kids act like we are equals in this...which bothers my boyfriend. He is their dad...but They don't give him the respect they should. .. prob because they see him more as a peer.

ambrvan

It probably has more to do with the way he raised them. Just saying. A parent who wants to be a parent all their children's lives will always be looked at as a parent. The parent who wants to get out of being a parent as soon as their child is 18 and just be their friend then is going to be just that.

Not that I'm trying to bash your FI or say he isn't a good father. Not my intention at all. Please do not take it that way or be offended. Perhaps what you see as then treating him as a peer is really just the natural evolution of parent-child relationships. There is nothing wrong with having adult fun, conversations, or confrontations between two adults. The child, once grown, must assert themselves as an independent individual at some point. But those children raised by parents who clearly want to be parents and grandparents (even if they have young children still) are always going to have a parental relationship. Children secure in their place in their parent's lives are not going to see them having more children as starting over and creating a replacement family, no matter whether they are 8 or 28.

Your relationship does evolve as your children grow up. But my husband definitely still has a mother, while I have always had a mother who has never wanted to be that for me. I want a mom, but I will have to take what she gives me if I want a relationship with her. I want her to be my kids' grandmother, but that won't ever happen.


Also, one thing my mother has done that has created distance between us as a family, is pictures. Logically, I can make myself understand, but emotionally, it hurts to see so many family pictures including my brother and half sister, but never a single one since I was 3 including me and none including my children or husband. In contrast, you have my MIL who insists on doing pictures including every brother, sister, cousin, aunt, grandmother, step kid, etc.

Edited to add more.

ckrose36

You are right... he does not properly create boundaries for those older children. I think you make a good point that he treated them more as friends than children at some point... he tries to pull that back and get respect but it's probably hard at this point.

What most concerns me is the 6 9 and 11 yr Olds.... i pray they do feel secure in our already developed relationships...and don't feel this is in any way a "replacement" family.