What came first...the BABY or the CAREER?

tp871280

Hello! I am 25 and my husband is 29. We have been married for 2.5 years, but have been together for a total of 7.5 years. I am in dental school (will be graduating in May 2016) and my husband (who went back to school much later in life) will be staring medical school in the fall of 2016. I have never been the type of girl who was dying to have babies. My husband has more so been the one with baby on the brain. I initially thought that it would be best to wait until I was done with school before TTC, but lately I am not so sure. 

On one hand, we can start TTC now, and in a perfect world, have a baby BEFORE I am done with school. This way, I would not be pregnant or TTC while I am looking for a job (since I am not planning on opening my  own office right away). However, I run the risk of falling slightly behind in school. Luckily, the last year and a half of school is much more flexible since I can schedule my own patients and decide when I do and don't go in. 

On the other hand, I can wait and TTC after graduation. However, assuming I do get pregnant...who would be willing to hire me? This option runs the risk of not finding a job. Plus, I would have to take time off work. I hate the thought of that, especially at the beginning of my career. Also, we do not yet know where my husband will be attending medical school. If we have to move out of state (very likely) I would have to balance all of that while TTC/being pregnant. 

If I get pregnant now, we at least have both of our families nearby to help with the baby during the first year before we move away. This would be very helpful as far as saving money on child care, despite the fact that I dread my MIL taking care of my baby.

Both options have their pros and cons...the hard part is deciding which path is the best to go down. My question is for all the working mothers out there...is there ever a right time? Is it possible to have the best of both worlds?

jlaOK

I have friends who have attended law school, medical school, and pharmacy school.  They personally waited to have kids until they were done (putting them at 30 when they had their first) but had friends who had kids while in those programs.  Having kids while in such demanding post-grad programs is tough.  You would have to look at taking a minimal maternity leave (like 4 weeks) and finding care for a very young baby which would most likely be a nanny while living off student loans.

Given that you and your DH are so young, I'd advice waiting - at least until you are graduated and in a job. 1.5 years isn't that long to wait and you would be so much more secure (living situation, salary, guaranteed leave time).  It might also be worth it to let your DH get into medical school and get a feel for how demanding his schedule is.  You would potentially be taking on 99% of all parental duties for 6+ years while he is in school, internship, and residency and would really need to decide if that's something you want to take on.

All in all, if it were me I'd wait.  The sense of security and preparedness you get while waiting just a couple of years is worth it.  Especially given that you are young and would definitely be able to TTC before age starts to become a factor.

NADA-H

jlaOK said:

I have friends who have attended law school, medical school, and pharmacy school.  They personally waited to have kids until they were done (putting them at 30 when they had their first) but had friends who had kids while in those programs.  Having kids while in such demanding post-grad programs is tough.  You would have to look at taking a minimal maternity leave (like 4 weeks) and finding care for a very young baby which would most likely be a nanny while living off student loans.

Given that you and your DH are so young, I'd advice waiting - at least until you are graduated and in a job. 1.5 years isn't that long to wait and you would be so much more secure (living situation, salary, guaranteed leave time).  It might also be worth it to let your DH get into medical school and get a feel for how demanding his schedule is.  You would potentially be taking on 99% of all parental duties for 6+ years while he is in school, internship, and residency and would really need to decide if that's something you want to take on.

All in all, if it were me I'd wait.  The sense of security and preparedness you get while waiting just a couple of years is worth it.  Especially given that you are young and would definitely be able to TTC before age starts to become a factor.

This and good luck!

DiveFrog

My focus was always on career first, and having children after my career was established. This partly came from the fact that I didn't meet my DH before I started my career at 25, but also from a personal comfort zone. I wanted to make 100% sure that I was financially established and more than capable of supporting myself and any children I would have without DH. Should god forbid something happen to him (disability or death), or that we had relationship issues and divorced.

We met when I was 27, married at 30 and I didn't have DD until I was just shy of 34. We are currently ttc #2 and I will be 37 if I deliver within the next 18 months. I might be a tad older than a lot of mom's,  but I am so happy we waited until my career was well established for so many reasons both professional and personal. 

mommaofmultiples

I agree with all the previous posters!  Wait!!!  My DH and I both have doctorate degrees.  We met and married right after college but waited until we were established in our careers to have babies.  I am so glad we waited although it was hard at times.  I completely understand wanting to have babies with your DH but having babies and being a parent is hard.  Having babies and being a parent while in doctorate degree programs is VERY HARD.

DH and I waited for quite a while before having babies.  We graduated from our doctorate degree programs nine years ago, but then I had a residency and he needed to establish his career.  Another four years went by while we did that.  Then, after my residency, I needed to establish my career.  That took another 1-2 years.  We became parents to twins when I was 33 and a single baby came when I was 36 (twins and single child are 2.5 years apart).

It is so much easier having kids while you are financially secure.  I look at friends that are not financially secure or had kids early before establishing their career and they are not able to dictate how much maternity leave, they can't afford outside help if grandparents get tired, etc.  I like knowing that I can take care of my kids by myself, even without DH financial help.  We are able to hire a nanny, so we are not always relying on parents/grandparents (because grandparents do get tired and I don't think they should always have to take care of my kids.....they are my responsibility).  I was able to take three months maternity leave with all my children + 6 weeks of vacation.  This was all paid, but I liked knowing I had the funds to take it unpaid if needed.  You will not have this luxury if you have children while in school.

litzo27

I agree with PP that there is no one right answer and they gave you some great suggestions. I also think you need to think about your career path and demands and also about how many children you want to have and how far apart. How much are you expected to work just as you get hired? What time of work-life balance do people in your profession have right out of school, 3 years out, etc.?
I had DS1 while in grad school (phd). This worked because I could work from home and work at night on my dissertation (and we had a full time nanny of course) whenever I wanted to so it was actually better than an office job in many respects. I also had great insurance through school. I took 6 weeks maternity leave only but that suited me. I had him at 28 but I also knew that I want to have at least 2 more kids around 3 years apart each so I didn't want to wait till my 30s to start.

Jills83

Others have given you good advice about asking yourself what is more important right now.  We were ready to have a baby before I was finished with law school, but held off until the tail end.  I got pregnant with my oldest during my last semester.  The timing worked out that I graduated and passed the bar exam before my son was born.  Thank goodness because I couldn't imagine studying for and taking the bar with an infant at home.   

Finding a killer job making 100k+ and billing 45 hours a week was definitely not my priority ever. I went to law school because I like to write and read and assess risks.  I didn't expect anyone to want to hire me because I was looking for jobs when I was 20-30 weeks pregnant (not to mention good legal jobs were few and far between at the time), but I got lucky and was hired as an attorney with a government agency almost immediately after the bar exam was over.  It was certainly not the dream job my classmates were looking for, but it was a good mommy-lawyer job.  I left that job for a private firm ($$$) and hated every second of it.  I got pregnant with my daughter while working grueling hours with an awful commute and felt like I was failing son.  I now work in house for a corporation and only part time.  It works for me, but I know some of my friends that want a fast paced and quickly progressing career would hate my current situation. 

dashofreality

What @jlaOK said. Barring fertility issues, I know no one that is sorry that they waited, but I do know others that wished that they had. IMO, getting your foot in the door and some experience under your belt is important. Taking time off for maternity leave is not really a big deal, and when you already have a career you have a lot more options.

While family help can be nice, it can also be a complete nightmare. I would much prefer to be in a situation where I didn't need to rely on family to watch my child, because we could comfortably afford daycare.

Personally, I am so glad that we waited. I finished law school, was far enough into my career that I was able to negotiate returning part time, and DH and I were both mentally and financially ready.

 

Mustardseed2007

I'm also an attorney and also waited until I was 30 to have my first. I had more money and maternity leave that was paid. We had also paid off our debt before having a kid-that was really nice. 

The main thing was when I had my second, actually. I was several years into my job at that point when I had to go on bed rest. There is no precedence for extended leave in my position but my company worked with me and I was able to work from home and still have maternity leave once the baby was born. That was 100% from having a solid reputation in my company and am so glad that it happened when it did as opposed to earlier in my life. 

I do know a guy whose wife had a baby while he was in law school-she was a pharmacist and already working. I mean, they made it work. He was tired all the time. And looking back on it I have to wonder what kind of help he really was to his wife. But he got a job. His wife, like i said, was employed though.

Sorry for all the typos, mobile bumping is hard 

Mustardseed2007

Also when your kid is in dc you get sick, too. Our entire family is getting over the plague that 8 month old dd brought into the house. School called it a "stomach bug".

2chatter

I got pregnant with DD while working on my PhD.  I ended up not finishing, as my research was too difficult/unsafe to do with a baby after we had a sort of giant family crisis and I moved internationally.  "Normal" school loads would not have been a big deal for me as long as child care would have been possible to attend class/study.  I fell into my career quite by accident - it was my undergrad degree.  So baby first, then career.  It was a little bit easier, I think, to have my first when things were a little bit of a mess/up in the air.  I went back to work at six weeks, but some days took her with me.  It all works out, as long as you are emotionally and financially stable, in my experience.

traveltheworld

DH and I met when we were 20, got married at 25 right after I graduated from law school and had DS when we were 31. There was never a doubt in our mind that we would have kids, and I was paranoid about waiting because I had a lot of family members that had/have fertility issues. In fact, I had some blood tests done before I got married to rule out some common infertility causes.

I'm glad we waited. Law school was grueling, so was the first few years of private practice (BigLaw). Although I'm not overly ambitious, I still wanted to do well in my career and I don't think I could have done that if I had children earlier. I feel like I would have just "gotten by" both as a lawyer and as a mom if I had children earlier.

By the time I had DS, I was already a senior associate and had an established reputation, so I left every day at 5, barely worked weekends, and got to spend a lot of time with DS - the baby/toddler years go by so fast that I'm really glad I got/get to spend a lot of time with him. That would never have been possible at my firm had I not put in all those hours for the first 7 years of my career.

We were also financially secure. Despite any plans you may have now for child care, things could fall apart quickly due to health issues or other circumstances, and I wouldn't be comfortable having a child if I wasn't absolutely sure I could pay for child care myself. Both my parents and DH's parents are retired, in good health and have only 1 grandchild (DS), but despite that, they still get tired from watching DS, so DS goes to DC part-time and we will have a full-time nanny when the second one arrives.

alli2672

If I were you, and you can afford it, I would start a family now.  The way I see it, you aren't going to be able to really start your career until after your husband finishes medical school, and maybe even after he finishes residency, since you don't really know where you are going to be located, and you will likely have to move at least twice.   I personally would spend those years mothering and working PT as an employee somewhere.  That way when you are more stable in terms of location, and ready to start your career, you will have a pretty good idea of what you want your dental practice to look like as a dual-career couple with children. 

MommyAtty

I'm an extreme case of waiting, but it's partly because I met DH when we were 20. We got married at 23. I graduated law school at 27, after I had taught a couple of years. We had DD when we were 38 and DS at 40. No, we didn't have any fertility issues. We just took a really long time to feel ready. For us, we timed it perfectly. I am very ambitious, and I'm at a great spot in my career. DH has a ton of flexibility with his career, which frankly takes a backseat to mine by mutual decision. We are financially very well set and can give our kids everything we want for them. That wouldn't have been true if we hadn't waited.

Kids are wonderful. They bring an enormous amount of joy to our lives. But honestly, being a mom is also scary and super-stressful. I think I would feel a lot less unfettered joy if I didn't have my career well in hand. I don't wonder what my career would be like without kids. I've done it and I know becoming a mom has actually enhanced my skills and my career growth, not harmed them.

jenn43

I definitely think you need to factor in DHs med school plans.  I'm a doctor, and many of my guy friends had babies during med school or residency.  During the first two years of med school your hubby with have pretty regular hours.  Third year will be tough and he won't be home much, but fourth year will be easy again.  But when he starts residency, you are basically going to be a single parent for awhile.  And if you're a dentist, this is going to be really tough.  So waiting to start a family may mean waiting until after he's done with residency, especially if you don't have any family available wherever that is.  If he does family medicine then it only adds three years on.  But residency is 5-7 years for many specialties.  Depending on what he wants to go into (and he may not know for quite awhile), I could see it being easier to have a couple kids now so that they're nearly school age when he's in residency.

FWIW, I waited until I was done with residency and had set up a practice before TTC.  We had our LO when I was 33.  

RachelandEduardo

So, my husband is a physician and I am an academic (PhD researcher/professor). Our daughter was born 5 days before my husband graduated medical school and about 5 months before I defended my dissertation. It was/is STRESSFUL!!! Having a husband in residency with a little baby is HARD but having my parents around has been a huge help. If you aren't in a rush, waiting until he is done with residency might make sense and you guys are young enough that it won't matter. For us, we are both a bit older (mid 30s) and decided we would be "too old" to wait until I finished my postdoc and he finished residency (3 yrs). I dunno, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic and not a lot of time to type right now. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about this. Obviously, you'll make the decision thats best for you!

glaw

A little OT but OMG is your DH sure he wants to start med school at 31! He will be 40 when he's done with residency. Assuming he doesn't pick a field with a longer residency or sub specialize and need to do a 1-3 year fellowship. That could put him in his mid 40s and it is brutal. I know this bc I met my DH when he just started a 2 year fellowship after residency after internship after med school. He was 31. He had his first real job at 33. He is just now making partner at his practice at 36. We had kids right away bc I was well established in my career (law) and bc I knew I wanted at least 2 kids and I wasn't super young. (DD at 33 and DS at 35). Dating DH during fellowship was sometimes difficult with call and crazy schedules but I literally could not imagine having dated him, let alone married him and have had kids, during med school or residency. The stories he told were nuts. He lived at the hospital. And his was not one of the most demanding fields in terms of hours. Ophthalmology with a sub speciality in retina when we met. You will be a single mom for a decade if your DH goes to med school. I would be damn sure that's what he wants and that you can handle it. Sadly a lot of marriages fall apart when one spouse is in med school/residency. My DH saw it first hand with 2 of his close friends. Sorry to be a downer but I think you should know what you are both about to sign up for.

justjinny

I agree with PP's that having your career underway is very helpful for getting flexibility once kids come along.  It's also really nice to be able to afford the level of child care you want and have financial stability - life with kids is stressful enough without worrying about making ends meet.  With the degree I went for, there was no possible way I could have done well in school and also been a good mom.   

DH & I started TTC when I was 27 and found out within a year that it wasn't going to work. Not long after we ended up adopting, then by surprise got pregnant within the same year.  So much for planning things out... 

Even with the IF & adoption struggles, I am glad we waited to have kids until we were established in our careers.  We could afford IF treatments, then we could afford adoption, and now we can afford taking another 12 week maternity leave.  It really sucked during the time we were dealing with IF, but I look back on those last few years without kids and am happy how I spent them. DH and I took a lot of trips and really got to do things that we wouldn't have been able to with kids in tow.  I have absolutely no regrets that we waited a few years.

alli2672

I would like to change my answer.  I am going to agree with @glaw and say that you two have a lot to talk about.  Med school/residency are tough (not to mention expensive) and require a lot of commitment from both of you.  

If your H is the one with the baby fever, and you aren't so sure, it seems kind of crappy for him to go into a profession where he is going to have to depend almost entirely on you to do the day to day raising of said child(ren) as well as be the breadwinner for the family for close to a decade.   

tp871280

Thank you for all the responses, bump friends! After reading all the thoughtful input, here is where I'm at:

I am not in a rush to have kids. I would be perfectly fine waiting 5 or even 10 more years. However, DH is always pressuring my about this. Ever since we were engaged (2010), he has made be promise that I would give him a baby before he was 30. Now that he has realized that is not possible, he is really pressuring me to have a kid as soon as I'm done with school. The thought of this makes me very nervous for a few reasons. 

1. As soon as i graduate, I need to look for a job. Considering that I don't yet know where we will be living b/c of DH's med school, that might take a while. I don't see how this could be easy to do will being PG.

2. I realize that for the next 8-10 years (after I complete school) I will be the sole bread winner for our family. I am totally fine with that. My husband is so passionate about medicine and I want to support him the way he has supported me all these years through school. However, what scares the crap out of me is having to also raise a child on my own during this time. If we have to move far enough that family help isn't an option, all the pressure is going to be on me to establish a career, make money AND take care of a baby. When I point this out to my H, he thinks that I am crazy. He insists that he will have time to help despite being in med school. In fact, he says that having a baby will encourage him to do his best in school. Although I might agree with that last statement, i think he is the one who is crazy. I have may friends who have gone to med school, and their schedules are ridiculous. My H is in denial.

Whenever I try to talk to him about all of this, he guilts me by saying "well if you want to wait longer to have kids just because of med school, then i guess I won't try to become a doctor and follow my dreams".

That's why I thought that if I had my first before finishing school, I would at least have complete health insurance coverage, the help of our parents and somewhat more flexibility from my H's schedule before he starts med school. But I agree with most of your comments that waiting until we are established will be way easier. How do I explain this to my H?????? I don't want him to resent me for withholding kids from him. And god forbid his ill father should pass before we have our first...he would hate be forever for not giving his dad the opportunity to meet at least one of our kids. Seems like I really got the short end of the stick in this entire arrangement. What should I do????

Thanks!

VitaLuna

You and your H need to work through this. The way he's responding is super crappy, and pressuring you into a baby now is no better a situation than you "making" him wait (or so he says).

From a career standpoint, I'd finish school, get a job, then TTC after 6ish months (when you feel you are into your groove). Babies change everything. EVERYTHING. Even when you are 110% ready for one, it is still a challenge.

alli2672

 

tp871280 said:

Whenever I try to talk to him about all of this, he guilts me by saying "well if you want to wait longer to have kids just because of med school, then i guess I won't try to become a doctor and follow my dreams".

I don't know what you should do.  That is between the two of you.  But the above is a crappy thing to say.  It's defensive and effectively kills the conversation.   

RachelandEduardo

I agree with the last twoposts (K3am and VitaLuna) you guys definitely would benefit from talking through this with a third party.

I will also add that as the wife of someone who just went through medical school,the liklihood of him having time to help with a baby while in med school is laughable to me. Perhaps he is ridiculous smart with a photographic memory and therefore will not need to study a lot...then maybe he would have time. This isn't to say that it can't be done because obviously people do it but I don't think its ideal. Even having a baby during residency is stressful! My husband and I both have busy challening careers and due to the demands of being a physician 99% of the stuff that is related to our daughter falls on me. His hours are less in his control and his life as a resident really  isn't his own...Again it can be done (we are doing it) but it is HARD and would be even harder without having my parents 15 minutes away.

Talk this out with him, go to counseling and have someone else talk it out with you. We spent a lot of time talking and thinking before deciding to have a baby. There are so many factors that go into all of this and you need to put them all out on the table and weigh your pros and cons. I would also really encourage you to make sure that social support (grandparents nearby or other family to help with baby) is part of your considerations and deliberations.

Good luck!

Mustardseed2007

How do you convince him?

I'm not sure, but I'd start by telling him he needs to discuss this with you openly and calmly like two mature adults.

It sounds like he's stamping his foot and saying "but I want it". He wants to be a parent but he's acting like a child.

 

tp871280

@K3am when we first met, I was 17 and hadn't even started college yet. In our first few months of dating, he asked me when I would consider having kids. At that point I really wasn't sure and replied, "maybe in 5 years or so (putting me at 23)". I clearly was way too young and didn't know what I was talking about. People (especially 17 year olds) grow and opinions change. However, my husband remembers that to this day. So according to him, I lied to him and made him think I wanted kids early. Now he thinks he has done me a huge favor by waiting this long, so naturally he thinks that now I am obligated to have a baby as soon as I'm done with school....since that is the agreement we came to when I was in undergrad (and had no idea at the time of what the future held). I love my husband. He is a wonderful and supportive person, but not when it comes to this. 

He was raised in a very old traditional patriarchal family, where women's only roles were to be SAHW. I agree that I will only be able to get through to him calmly in the the presence of an unbiased third party.

tp871280

PrivacyWanted said:

Is there a reason he is pushing kids now vs. a few years down the line?  
Why is it that he gets to pursue everything he wants and dreams off but you must fit your career/dreams into his timeline?

He thinks he is going to be an old dad. His dad was 34 when he was born and never spent much time with him. They never played sports together or anything. I have tried explainng to him that that wasn't because his dad way OLD....it was because his dad just wasn't that type. He was the type of father who went to work, came home, never helped with household chores or child care and was known as the "scary" parent. I try pointing out that there are many men who don't become fathers until their 30's or 40's, and still they turn out to be great/involved/hands-on dads. 

I really don't know what his deal is. Part of my thinks he is also in a rush because his father (who to this day intimidates my husband) keeps pressuring him to have a baby.

shannm

I was actually going to suggest not waiting (coming from a house of many postgrad degrees and a forty year old husband finally job hunting after over twenty years of training). BUT, your husband sounds super immature and he doesn't have a clue about what it is going to be like having a kid or to complete medical training. Therefore, you would be on your own and I would wait until you are more than ready. You have lots of time.

tp871280

Thanks ladies! The communication in our relationship really could use some work. I am going to look into some possible counseling through my school. I am also thinking of setting up some dinner dates with some of my friends whose husbands are currently in residency. Maybe if my husband talks to some people he will become better informed.

I am also now trying to push for a puppy. I think taking baby steps and trying to first take care of a dog could be beneficial. My husband seems to think taking care of a baby would be easier than owning a dog. Crazy, right? He says that we are way too busy for a dog right now...but somehow we can make it work with a kid (definitely sensing the immaturity after saying that out loud). 

Sadly, I am beginning to wish that I had married someone a bit more established in their career. I never really lived up my 20's because of school, and now that I am almost done, I feel like I am going to be reliving all the stress through my husband. I have always said that I wanted to spend some time after graduation traveling and enjoy my time with friends and family. I  guess I will be putting those plans on hold for a few more years.

shannm

glaw said:

A little OT but OMG is your DH sure he wants to start med school at 31! He will be 40 when he's done with residency. Assuming he doesn't pick a field with a longer residency or sub specialize and need to do a 1-3 year fellowship. That could put him in his mid 40s and it is brutal. I know this bc I met my DH when he just started a 2 year fellowship after residency after internship after med school. He was 31. He had his first real job at 33. He is just now making partner at his practice at 36. We had kids right away bc I was well established in my career (law) and bc I knew I wanted at least 2 kids and I wasn't super young. (DD at 33 and DS at 35). Dating DH during fellowship was sometimes difficult with call and crazy schedules but I literally could not imagine having dated him, let alone married him and have had kids, during med school or residency. The stories he told were nuts. He lived at the hospital. And his was not one of the most demanding fields in terms of hours. Ophthalmology with a sub speciality in retina when we met. You will be a single mom for a decade if your DH goes to med school. I would be damn sure that's what he wants and that you can handle it. Sadly a lot of marriages fall apart when one spouse is in med school/residency. My DH saw it first hand with 2 of his close friends. Sorry to be a downer but I think you should know what you are both about to sign up for.

This is super extreme and a bit ageist. I do agree that he needs to understand what he is doing and why he is doing it but 31 is not old. And it is not to old to start medical training. I have dated a med student, and been married to a resident. The father to both of my children is a fellow. I have NOT been a single parent. Yes, I take on a lot but he is a terrific dad and husband, it can be done.

alli2672

OP, I saw this on KevinMD the other day about being married to a resident, and I thought it was pretty good.  Maybe it will give you some insight. 

https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2014/11/wish-knew-advice-spouses-doctors-residents.html

 

NADA-H

Heck before our wedding i told my husband- fiance at the time- that i'd call the entire wedding off if he wouldnt make his family his priority, he'd travel at weeks ends monthly for work while we dated and were engaged. I told him i wasnt going to raise our kids alone and that i wanted a career too. It was a huge fight at the time but i clearly stated what i expect of him and what i will and wont do and what i would and wouldnt expect and things turned around for the best afterwards, he stopped jumping at work trips and accepted more local work and after we got married and settled down he got much more grounded on his own cause he had a "home" finally. Dont underestimate what having a baby would do to your life, i have my extended family living all minutes away and are super supportive and a very supportive husband and i have no idea how anyone does it without that

emberlee3

I met my husband while in medical school. I had my son at the beginning of my 3rd year of residency. The timing was good for us.

No one can tell you when it's the right time to TTC. I will say I know a lot of women dentists with families. Good luck!

emberlee3

Ok, I just skimmed the last few replies.

I started medical school at age 27, finished residency at 34.

I did not know what I was getting into. But I have no regrets and I love my career.

I have friends in medicine who have gotten divorced. I have nonmedical friends who have divorced. It happens to people.

glaw

mrssqueegy said:

glaw said:

A little OT but OMG is your DH sure he wants to start med school at 31! He will be 40 when he's done with residency. Assuming he doesn't pick a field with a longer residency or sub specialize and need to do a 1-3 year fellowship. That could put him in his mid 40s and it is brutal. I know this bc I met my DH when he just started a 2 year fellowship after residency after internship after med school. He was 31. He had his first real job at 33. He is just now making partner at his practice at 36. We had kids right away bc I was well established in my career (law) and bc I knew I wanted at least 2 kids and I wasn't super young. (DD at 33 and DS at 35). Dating DH during fellowship was sometimes difficult with call and crazy schedules but I literally could not imagine having dated him, let alone married him and have had kids, during med school or residency. The stories he told were nuts. He lived at the hospital. And his was not one of the most demanding fields in terms of hours. Ophthalmology with a sub speciality in retina when we met. You will be a single mom for a decade if your DH goes to med school. I would be damn sure that's what he wants and that you can handle it. Sadly a lot of marriages fall apart when one spouse is in med school/residency. My DH saw it first hand with 2 of his close friends. Sorry to be a downer but I think you should know what you are both about to sign up for.

Wow, that was a bit depressing.

FTR, not everyone in a relationship with a resident/doctor is doomed to divorce or raising children on their own.

ETA: OP, it looks like you have other issues to deal with, but for us, we had our first after my husband finished residency and I was in the middle of residency.  We had our perfectly timed plan all worked out, then we dealt with IF.  So things did not go as planned.


Right. Because I said EVERYONE gets divorced. Look she already said she's not ready to have kids. She's also about to start a time consuming dental career of her own. Her DH seems to have some delusions about the time commitment of med school and raising children. I think they should both really think hard about what it means to be in med school and raise children at the same time. Is it impossible? No. People do it. Is it a good idea when one person is not even ready to have kids is about to start a career and the other person is going to enter a demanding 10 year training? Hell no. And that kind of pressure can and does lead to resentment and marital problems. Including divorce.

emberlee3

I will also add that I did not know what I was getting into with having children. My DH is not in medicine. It helped that he had more flexibility with his schedule.

I think it would have been harder for me to have kids in medical school than it was in residency. There is a lot is studying that is just brutal, hard, self-driven work. Residency is brutally hard work, but basically program and patient driven. I think my intrinsic drive might have been difficult to sustain if I had become a mother in medical school.

VitaLuna

If you want to convince him to respect your decision to not have a baby right now, then you also need to respect that he doesn't want a dog right now. Hard to prove your point to him when you do the exact thing you don't want him to do, KWIM?

Beevol

I agree with @CTgirl30, couples counseling is going to be your best bet in resolving this issue for two reasons: 1. Because you're not interested in supporting a family and raising a baby while he is in med school; and 2. Because it sounds like he is not interested in waiting to have a baby (or he is a jerk who doesn't know how to fight fair, either way, counseling). 

You guys are at an impasse and there's no easy solution. For me, personally, I think that this would be the time to go your separate ways because I agree with both of you. I would NEVER have a baby with someone in med school while starting a new and demanding career and I would not want to wait until I was closing in on 40 to start a family. If he wants a family now, he wants it now and you do not. It sounds like you would be agreeable to starting a family now if you knew that you would have an equal (or more than equal) coparent, but I think we all know that med school is not a picnic and most of my friends in residency programs basically lived at the hospital for at least a year or two (or more as in the case of a buddy in a MD/PhD pediatric oncology program - he is 37 now and just beginning his post-school career having started college at 17, he's also a super hero who saves the lives of little kids and makes /serious/ money, so it's a trade off). 

I'm with @glaw too though, starting med school this late in life is not the choice I would make either. Has he thought about doing something like Physician Assistant which is basically a masters program that lets you do a lot of the doctor stuff without the med school (I have two PA friends, one who works in a liver clinic and one who works in a ER, their patients only know they're not MDs because they tell them they're not, otherwise, they do most of the things we think about the doctor doing and love their jobs). 

tp871280

UPDATE:

My H and I spoke the other night. I told him about some of the input that I received from you ladies. Much to my surprise, he was very understanding about it. I suggested that we wait until I am done with school and have a stable job, and wait to see what it is going to be like with him in med school. He tried again to say that he would give up med school for a baby, and this time I agreed!! LOL I said, "Ok, that's a great idea. You can be a stay at home dad. How perfect". That was an easy way to call his bluff. HA! Although he wasn't thrilled about it, he was on the same page about waiting. I am still going to do my research and find a good family therapist for us to consult. 

But check this out. I have also been doing a lot of praying and hoping to receive a sign of some sort of sign regarding all of this. Two nights ago, my H gets a call from my BIL who sounded very excited. He told my H that a few baby magazines addressed to my H were mailed to my in laws house. So my BIL called my H thinking that we were expecting. Weird, right? We NEVER subscribed to any such magazines....especially not with my in-laws address. My husband and I looked at each other and couldn't believe it. What this is sign??? What are the chances that this sort of thing would happen during the same week that my H and I were revisiting the baby converstation?