Making a mountain out of a mole hill? - xp

mdupon70997

 My MIL has a friend who offered to give her a crib to keep at her house for when our baby is there. Last week DH and I were at MIL and FIL's house for dinner and I asked MIL if the crib that the friend will be giving to her is a drop-side crib. She said that it was. I asked if we could fix the railing in some way so that it is stationary. MIL looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Are you serious? You're kidding right?" I explained to her that I was serious and that drop-side cribs aren't made anymore because they're a safety issue. And that I'd prefer if we could just make the railing stationary. She then told me that there isn't anything wrong with the cribs, but instead it's the dumb parents who don't assemble them properly and don't secure the railing properly and that it's silly to want the railing stationary. She also said "it used to be that we didn't have seat belts in cars either!" But then I said something to the effect of "no, there weren't seat belts in cars for a long time. But now that we have them don't you put yours on every time you get into a vehicle? There weren't car seats for babies for a really long time, but didn't you always put your kids into them every time you got into your car? If we have something that is safer now why not use it? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? Well DH was very upset and said that I was being unreasonable about the crib and that he would not be backing me up on this issue because both he and I were in drop-side cribs as babies and we're just fine.

I'm just worried that this will be the first of many issues with her (whether or not I should put a bumper and blanket in the crib, when I should stop breastfeeding, when to start solids, how I should discipline my child, etc.) Am I making this a bigger issue than it really is? I talked with SIL about it and she thinks that I should nip it in the bud right away by insisting that the railing be fixed or buying a mini crib to keep at their house instead (she knows how MIL can be). She also thinks that we need to have a talk with our family members about how we want them to give their opinions on things with the baby, but that in the end we will be the ones making the final decisions. I just really hate having any sort of confrontation with them. How do you feel about the drop-side crib? And is the crib really the issue, or is the issue more that she is not wanting to respect my wishes with the safety of our baby?

Just a little extra bit which is sort of eye-rolling funny to me: SIL's baby shower was last week. She was telling me what she got for the shower (a nursing pillow and a baby carrier, among other things) and she said "I didn't get the ones they registered for because I didn't like the way they were made. I much prefer these instead." I love her to death, but she won't be the one nursing and carrying the baby around in that pack....the parent's will!

CoPilot2012

I guess I'm throwing a curve ball. Oh well.

My mom has a drop side crib. She's had it for 16 years and all the grand kids this far have been in it and are wonderful, healthy kids who have never been caught up in the crib. When my child comes to visit I'm sure she will go into the same drop sided crib and I'm ok with that.

That being said, I'll add that while I don't think it's dumb parents not putting the cribs together right, I do think that they became unsafe as manufactures kept trying to make them cheaper and cheaper until they were no longer safe.

So if it's one that 10 years old, I think that falls in the iffy category. If it's like my moms and is 20 years old (hers was also given by a friend after my first niece came as a surprise to my sister) then I'd say they were made much safer back then.

But the big issue to me, is that you have to feel comfortable with your decision and others, while they may not agree, should respect your decision.

mdupon70997

Bliss+Berry said:

There is a lot of stupid up in here.  

Your H is acting like a stubborn dickhole by not backing you up.

I judge the fuck out of anyone who would use a drop side crib.  

Really? I judge the fuck out of anyone who would use "there is." "There are" would be correct. I'm actually surprised that you used "a lot" rather than "alot."

mdupon70997

I, too, feel like he should be backing me up, especially in front of his parents. But he's just like his mom, and very opinionated. I tried talking with him about it a few days later when it was just the two of us. But he just doesn't see my point.

Angeldcf

OP: stand your ground with this one.  Safety standards are a non-negotiable.  Drop-side cribs used to be ok.... until there were several infant deaths directly associated with these.  As you already mentioned, there is a simple way to secure these cribs to bring them to current safety standards. 

People used to drive without seatbelts, chain smoke without a second thought (I Love Lucy episodes), put butter on a burn, use leeches to bleed out evil spirits, not wash hands/change gowns between surgeries.  Safety standards change with research. 

I'd be extremely concerned about your DH's response.  It sounds like he is simply not informed of current standards (fair enough & fixable), but the two of you need to be a team.  Calmly discuss your concerns with him.  If he won't budge, encourage him to discuss these w/your pedi.

mdupon70997

Agh! My friend was reading the posts to me while I was cooking. She read to me "there is a lot of stupid people up in here." I made the comment to her that "there is a lot of stupid people" is incorrect. I should have just read it myself. Sorry for that. And to be clear I DID NOT say that "I judge the fuck out of anyone" part. Wow. This looks so bad. 

Prpljade

Here's a simple solution, or at least it's what I would do. Until MIL fixes the crib and you feel safe, LO will not be staying with MIL for any amount of time that a crib would be necessary. 

That's not to say LO won't see MIL by any means, just that I would not let my child stay at anyone's house, family or not, if I felt anything about it was unsafe. If you feel the crib is unsafe, then don't let your child stay long enough that he or she would need use of the crib. 

I think your SIL is right. Stand your ground, both with your H and MIL. Don't let anyone railroad you when it comes to your child and their safety. 

jennilarkspur

The good ol' logic of 'So-and-so did such-and-such and they're fine..'  Ugghh..  I have a friend whose mom drank heavily when she was pregnant with her.  My friend is fine, but that doesn't make it SAFE!

Amstreagle

My grandmother and aunt were appalled that I put ds to sleep on his back and that he didn't have blankets or a bumper in his crib. I tried to explain what new research has found and they weren't having it.
I think it has a lot to do with learning how they raised their children is not recommended anymore and they don't want to believe what they did is considered wrong now which I understand but I'm still going to listen to the latest safety and health recommendations.

theinvadermothership

Prpljade said:

Here's a simple solution, or at least it's what I would do. Until MIL fixes the crib and you feel safe, LO will not be staying with MIL for any amount of time that a crib would be necessary. 

That's not to say LO won't see MIL by any means, just that I would not let my child stay at anyone's house, family or not, if I felt anything about it was unsafe. If you feel the crib is unsafe, then don't let your child stay long enough that he or she would need use of the crib. 

I think your SIL is right. Stand your ground, both with your H and MIL. Don't let anyone railroad you when it comes to your child and their safety. 

This 100%. Your child, your rules. If DH can't understand that it is a real safety concern, then he needs to do his research.

The point of these updated regulations is the PREVENT problems. You still wear a seatbelt, even though you may not get into a car accident. But you know that the fatality rate goes down drastically if proper safety belt procedures are followed... I would seriously urge you to pose these questions to your husband and MIL:

Why would you want to put baby at risk, just bc nothing happened to us as kids?? What would you do if the child DID die? Would you live with yourself? Could you look me in the eyes and truly ever forgive yourself?

I think they need a serious wake up call. Do some research, pull up some numbers and throw it at them. And then say it is non negotiable. End of story. Fix the crib or they won't be sleeping in it.

rachelcalderon525

I do agree with you on the drop side cribs. There is a reason that they are deemed unsafe. 

Ultimately (and this goes for everyone, not just IL's) but if you (and hopefully your husband) want to raise your child a certain way, then others need to respect that. 

If your MIL has an issue with it, than maybe she should decide what kind of relationship she wants with her grandchild. Why she would want to put her grandchild in danger is beyond me. Safety standards are out there for a reason. Maybe we did use drop side cribs or not wear seat belts but there are reasons that we don't or do use the now. 

As for your husband, you two are about to have a child together. Its important that you both get on the same page about issues revolving your child care. And as your husband, he should be on your side about these things. Its one thing to disagree with each other about things in private, but this is your childs safety. He's not a mama's boy anymore. He has his own family he needs to start worrying about.

kdhuling

mdupon70997 said:

Bliss+Berry said:

There is a lot of stupid up in here.  

Your H is acting like a stubborn dickhole by not backing you up.

I judge the fuck out of anyone who would use a drop side crib.  

Really? I judge the fuck out of anyone who would use "there is." "There are" would be correct. I'm actually surprised that you used "a lot" rather than "alot."

Actually, "There is" would be correct. "There" is used as a shared "dummy" subject with stupid. "Is" is a finite copula verb, its subject predicate is "stupid". I don't think stupid was meant to be plural and since "is" is a finite verb it will agree in tense with its subject. If stupid were plural then "are" would be correct.

32elyse

YH should be on your side. You need to research it and show them the proof.

hetispagetti

Your baby you set the rules! Everyone will always have different views on what to do/not do with a baby so just do what you want and make sure other people do what you do with your baby!

eadler

We had a similar situation happen right after my first was born. She bent my rules and slept with him in bed instead of on his back in pack n play,it was our first night away. We didn't speak for months after, and I held my ground, luckily DH backed me up. My baby=my rules. I let her know I didnt have interest in her opinion, if she wanted to watch the baby, there is zero flexibility, esp on safety issues. Establishing that early is helping me now, she checks with me now on things...I think I put the fear in her. 

You have to do what you feel right about, its your child. You are the mother, your rules!

momthatlifts

Well to answer your question, i do not think you are making this a bigger deal than it is. You are asking for a simple fix. What's the big deal? And your H should be backing you because this is also his child. Maybe pull up some stories on google about drop side cribs and why we no longer use them. Have him read about it and maybe change his mind. At this point he is being stupid and you just need to take action for him since he won't. Fix the crib or get another one. no questions asked.

allrightmeow

JKBMA2014 said:

Well to answer your question, i do not think you are making this a bigger deal than it is. You are asking for a simple fix. What's the big deal? And your H should be backing you because this is also his child. Maybe pull up some stories on google about drop side cribs and why we no longer use them. Have him read about it and maybe change his mind. At this point he is being stupid and you just need to take action for him since he won't. Fix the crib or get another one. no questions asked.

@JKBMA2014 Dude, it's like you can not win.  You resized your siggy and it's still huge.  

OP I 15th that your husband is acting like a dick.  Your SIL is a winner.   Team SIL.  Don't let the idiots in the family mow you over.  Put your foot down.  I've seen first hand that when shit goes wrong, all the naysayer asshole will be able to give you is an "Im sorry".  Screw that!

momthatlifts

allrightmeow said:

JKBMA2014 said:

Well to answer your question, i do not think you are making this a bigger deal than it is. You are asking for a simple fix. What's the big deal? And your H should be backing you because this is also his child. Maybe pull up some stories on google about drop side cribs and why we no longer use them. Have him read about it and maybe change his mind. At this point he is being stupid and you just need to take action for him since he won't. Fix the crib or get another one. no questions asked.

@JKBMA2014 Dude, it's like you can not win.  You resized your siggy and it's still huge.  

OP I 15th that your husband is acting like a dick.  Your SIL is a winner.   Team SIL.  Don't let the idiots in the family mow you over.  Put your foot down.  I've seen first hand that when shit goes wrong, all the naysayer asshole will be able to give you is an "Im sorry".  Screw that!

why does it not look big on my lap top and iPad? Do my electronics lie to me? Fucking a-holes Eta: because my iPad can't keep up with my typing

mdupon70997

Well DH finally said he'd make the drop side immobile! Team Mom: 1. He also told my IL's that he's be fixing it and they didn't say one word about it to him. She's never really done this to me before so I think it just really shocked me. We generally get along very well. Thanks everyone for letting me know that it wasn't a silly request.

momthatlifts

RedheadBaker said:

JKBMA2014 said:

allrightmeow said:

JKBMA2014 said:

Well to answer your question, i do not think you are making this a bigger deal than it is. You are asking for a simple fix. What's the big deal? And your H should be backing you because this is also his child. Maybe pull up some stories on google about drop side cribs and why we no longer use them. Have him read about it and maybe change his mind. At this point he is being stupid and you just need to take action for him since he won't. Fix the crib or get another one. no questions asked.

@JKBMA2014 Dude, it's like you can not win.  You resized your siggy and it's still huge.  

OP I 15th that your husband is acting like a dick.  Your SIL is a winner.   Team SIL.  Don't let the idiots in the family mow you over.  Put your foot down.  I've seen first hand that when shit goes wrong, all the naysayer asshole will be able to give you is an "Im sorry".  Screw that!

why does it not look big on my lap top and iPad? Do my electronics lie to me? Fucking a-holes

Eta: because my iPad can't keep up with my typing


The images aren't huge, there's just a huge empty space below the pictures. 

Ohhhhhhh OK thanks I think I know why! I'll fix it!

allrightmeow

RedheadBaker said:

JKBMA2014 said:

allrightmeow said:

JKBMA2014 said:

Well to answer your question, i do not think you are making this a bigger deal than it is. You are asking for a simple fix. What's the big deal? And your H should be backing you because this is also his child. Maybe pull up some stories on google about drop side cribs and why we no longer use them. Have him read about it and maybe change his mind. At this point he is being stupid and you just need to take action for him since he won't. Fix the crib or get another one. no questions asked.

@JKBMA2014 Dude, it's like you can not win.  You resized your siggy and it's still huge.  

OP I 15th that your husband is acting like a dick.  Your SIL is a winner.   Team SIL.  Don't let the idiots in the family mow you over.  Put your foot down.  I've seen first hand that when shit goes wrong, all the naysayer asshole will be able to give you is an "Im sorry".  Screw that!

why does it not look big on my lap top and iPad? Do my electronics lie to me? Fucking a-holes Eta: because my iPad can't keep up with my typing

The images aren't huge, there's just a huge empty space below the pictures. 

This.  Sorry I wasn't more clear. 

nutterswifey88

It is your child and you feel uneasy about it; end of discussion.  The bigger issue is your DH not backing you up. Sure it is perfectly acceptable for DHs to not agree with everything we say, however if you have a concern and can provide logical evidence and proof of said concern and he refuses to examine the information then that is the problem. Parenting, as well as an interpersonal relationship encompasses working together and not just,  "I want what I want and refuse to listen to what you want," type of bs. Good luck!