into and a few q's: approaching spouse with idea of foster/adoption

SunAndRain

DH and I have a toddler.  It is very likely that I'll be able to conceive again, for various reasons.  I don't want to go through IVF, for various reasons.  More than anything I'd like for DD to have a sibling to grow up with. And we have the capacity to raise and love another child.

 My sister was adopted so having an adopted sibling feels very natural to me.  DH hasn't had this experience so having a bio-child and sibling feels very natural to him and he doesn't know what to make of fostering or adoption. (read he isn't chomping at the bit)   I know there are no guarantees with adoption but there are no guarantees with two bio-siblings, either, as far as them having a strong relationship, or health, or anything of that matter. 

The biggest barrier to adoption that we might have is age: I'm 40 and DH is 42.  We both have intense careers but are able to compensate by sourcing out much of the household stuff so that we are able to have family and fun time too.  We're otherwise healthy and financially OK.  Also, race would not matter to me but I would want to adopt within the US (thought I cannot pinpoint why; I've traveled to 18 countries and am quite adaptable to, and interested in, other cultures). 

I'm wondering how other wives approached their husbands about the idea of adoption.

And I'd love to hear from other 40+ parents about anything unique they might have encountered while going through the adoption process.

And if you think I'm selfish or going about this for the wrong reasons you can tell me that too.

Dr.Loretta

I gave DH time. I was very excited about the prospect of adoption, and read Adoption for Dummies cover to cover. DH needed time to come to terms with concerns he had about adoption. His big 2 were the lack of a biological connection and the intrusiveness of the home study. As far as biological connection, we started exploring options through information sessions (in person and online) that were offered by adoption agencies and other sources. It took him about 6 months to work through his feelings. As for the home study, we called a couple of agencies and had them walk us through the process. Once he had some of the unknowns out of the way, he felt much better. It also helped that our HS wasn't terribly intrusive.

Every adoption experience is going to be unique. We were on the older side (I was 41 and DH was 39) when we adopted DD. She was already born when we got The Call, and her birthmom's pregnancy and birth stories were quite the adventure. We have an open adoption where we visit a couple times a year. DH's concerns about a biological connection went out the window the moment he laid eyes on DD. He is wrapped quite tightly around her finger.

lorifromwi

It was a very tough conversation early on between me and my DH.  I was in a similar situation to you, I was an adopted child raised in a family with their bio son...so no big deal for me.  DH was worried about attachment to the child and just wasn't very familiar with the process.

After three years of IF, including two miscarriages, we realized we were getting older and really just wanted to be parents (DH 37/ me 38) and he is actually the one who finally suggested we move forward with adopting.  Mind you, I had planted plenty of seeds along the way.  We ended up going foster to adopt in our area.  One reason was financial, we didn't want to load on continued IF costs with the cost of a private adoption and the other was that we felt the wait could be shorter than other routes. 

We started our approval process in Feb 2014 and had DFD in our house July 2014.  The process to adoption is going to be long, but any type of adoption can have its frustrations.

If your husband is open to hearing more information, that may help him along too.  He just may need time to process.

erinmc1

Like fredalina, I knew that I had some issues reproductively, and we might have trouble conceiving.  So we kind of always had adoption on the table from very early in our relationship.  After a little over a year of trying with no dice, we started seeing a RE to get some answers.  But I just flat out asked my husband if he would consider pursuing adoption instead of exclusively TTC.  I was so scared he'd say no that I was sobbing, but he surprised me and said of course.

His biggest areas of reluctance were the cost and fear of openness.  And the more educated we became, the more he realized that neither obstacle was too big to get over.  

Good luck!

bbyskittels

I haven't introed here yet, but my DH mentioned adoption years before we were married. I was hesitant at first. He had a sister adopted in HS who had grown up near and around his family. I want aware/exposed to adoption much as a child and did not meet anyone adopted until high school-ish. It didn't feel "natural" to me, to adopt a child that wasnt biological. But I have come to love the idea, for so so many reasons.
For me it took time and introspection, and then I was ready to talk about it seriously with an opened mind and heart. Hope that helps xx

CarolinaGirl2014

Welcome! I can't give you direct advice because I am from the other side of the Triad. I am a birth mom and a very open adoption. I can tell you; however, that my daughter's parents are 43 and 48. They adopted A in Jan and another infant Nov 27, so obviously age hasn't been a big hurdle for them. I loved how established they were and the wisdom they brought to the table. A's dad wasn't 100% on board until the seminars at our agency and wasn't on board with open adoption until he met me. I think he needed time, information, and perspective. Good luck!