Spanking alternatives

natalie5851

Please, I don't really want to get into a hot debate about spanking or not but I'd like to know from you guys if you have any ideas/plans to avoid spanking? My siblings and I were never spanked as children and I really feel like we benefited from that. We always had "discussions" which seemed to really identify the problem instead of just smacking us to make us stop whatever we were doing. But now that I'm a parent I definitely see how that's hard to do with a toddler! My husband was spanked as a child and he says he turned out fine but he also sees the negative aspects of spanking his own child. Anyways, any tips or things you've done with your kids to avoid spanking?

LittleApple

Warnings and time out or taking away a favorite toy has worked for us.

ahbEsq

I was spanked as a child and didn't have any problems with it but I personally don't plan to do it. I can't get over the irony of using hitting to try to teach a child not to hit. I'm still trying to figure out techniques that do work for us but will be working on time outs or losing privileges.

ashiscute

Warnings, timeouts, removing them from a situation, taking toys/privileges, ignoring depending on the situation.

I think the majority of people who were spanked as children turned out fine. But that doesn't make it effective. Try to think of natural consequences for an action.

michelle7482

Time outs work for us. I have spanked DD1 a couple times and it got us nowhere so I'm done with it. I felt so guilty after I did it too. Maybe I'll change my mind when they get older but it's pointless with a toddler IMO.

dufferoo

We try to be clear with my son about what consequence will be delivered if he does a particular action. For example, if he hits his sister, I will give him a stern "No! That was not nice! Hitting hurts people! If you hit sister again, you will have a time out for five minutes." (or, "we will take away your toy hammer" or "we will turn off the movie" or whatever.) Then he has a chance to think and with the consequence fresh in his mind, decide if he will do it again, and if it does happen again, we follow through with that punishment. When we have a dpwcific oroblem behavior that has been happening regularly and he clearly already knows the consequence, then we don't necessarily give the warning the first time. For example, my tot had a phase ehere he was constantly deliberately dumping out people's drinks on the floor (it wasn't a clumsy thing; he just enjoys pouring), so we started enacting sn automatic timeout every time he dud it. Guess what? It worked. After a week or so, he gave up that hobby. I think the only time time outs/other consequences DON'T work is when you're either unclear about when/why you will do it, OR if you are so strict that you are punishing all kinds if natural toddler behaviors, and your kid just gives up on even trying to learn the rules.

DawnJM25

We do redirection right now, but will start timeouts in a couple of months.

Crequito

I've removed DD from a room before or taken toys away.  DD once pulled my mom's hair so hard in the middle of a baby shower, after I told her to stop grabbing GG's hair, so I picked her up and took her out of the room which scared her enough to realize she couldn't do that.  I'll threaten DD with the removal of toys if she isn't ending a behavior I don't like and then I follow through and take the toy away if needed.  You can't give the toy back right away though, you have to make the removal period long enough for them to understand.

Time outs haven't worked for us yet - I would have to hold DD in one spot.

ahbEsq

Crequito said:

Time outs haven't worked for us yet - I would have to hold DD in one spot.

I too was concerned about having to hold DS down for time outs but I started using a pack n play in a separate room for time outs and so far it seems to be working though we are in the very early stage of using time outs for discipline.

erinmc1

We ONLY spank when our son does something that could get him hurt, like hitting the dog or provocatively touching the oven face when it's on to goad us.  

Otherwise, like others, we put him in time-out (I also firmly hold him in one spot, counting out his time-out and explaining periodically what he did to end up there, and although I've been told that's "gross" by others on here, I don't really give a hoot), take away toys, redirect, and ignore some behavior to try to make it less appealing.  Kiddo sleeps really well, so unless his bad behavior is a direct result of being overtired, we try not to use a crib or pack and play as his time-out place because we want those spaces to remain positive for him.  It might work really well for others, but I worry for our son that if he starts looking at his crib as a jail, he won't sleep as easily.  

GillianB32

This is a quote from another forum buit I simply LOVE it so I hope I won't be punished for violating copyright or something

"CAREFUL/JUST LOOK/GENTLE/PRETTY

Great for approaching breakables, or flowers, pets etc...things that a LO will be naturally curious about and you want to encourage tactile sensory learning experiences, but want them to be gentle and teach respect for objects. My DS was and still is a bit of a brute, so I found gentle and learning about how pretty or beautiful things are, really helped or he would have just tugged, ripped or pulled various things apart! I often demonstrate with very animated actions.  So with the flowers in the garden, I would go down and lightly touch or smell and then say "Gentle, touch nice, so pretty..."  With my Mum's glass table with glass ornaments we only allowed "Just Look." With our neighbours’ dog, we showed stroking him very gently, whilst saying NICE...PRETTY.

HOT
This is a great one.  We also demonstrated with animated actions.  So with our fireplace for example I would show putting my hands like stop signs and say HOT!  I actually let him get near, so he can feel the heat and then he backed off and knew, whoo, that is hot!  It also is good for the oven and tea or coffee. 

BLECH/YUCKY/EEW/NOT FOR EATING
For garbage cans/rubbish bins or various other items that are gross and should not be touched and more importantly, at your LO's age, eaten!  

DANGER/CAREFUL 
We use this for cables or small step downs or door hinges where fingers can get jammed.

OH DEAR 
I say OH DEAR when my 3 1/2 year old does something she should not be doing.

ASKING
With my 6 year old I ask him if he should be doing what he is doing just to see if he can tell when he is doing something he should not be doing which works with him.

THAT HURTS
When he does something that physically hurts someone else we say gently "that hurts him honey please don't do that again" and pull him away to something else

RED-LIGHT
My nephew's kindergarten teacher says "red-light" when she needs the kids to stop what they're doing and listen to her.    

COME AWAY FROM THERE
In my house, we often correct my dd (22 mos) by saying "Come away from there, please" if she is near something she shouldn't be near.  If it's something dangerous, we change the tone and say "come away from there right away....that is dangerous and you could get hurt." 

EXPLAINING
I can explain that certain foods I eat (unhealthy) are for big people and others for younger children

DOG TRAINING WORDS
I'm a part time dog trainer and can't help myself from using a sharp "ahah"  - only for circumstances where he's about to do something dangerous to himself, or hit or throw something, but I use it with the dogs all the time to mimick the sharp corrective bark of another dog and it works a charm on both!

NOT YOURS or IT’S MUMMY'S OR DADDY’S
For things that aren't to be touched

LEAVE IT
We use "Leave it" for things he's not to touch!

HANDS AWAY
We use 'hands away' quite a bit as it gives him something to actually do.  And with machines we say 'hands away when it's working', he's allowed look at the washing machine when it's not on.  He loves to help fill and empty it

STOP, COME AWAY FROM THERE PLEASE
Our winner is 'stop, come away from there please' rather than no when trying to touch things not for touching (or leave it please)

HANDS ON YOUR HEAD
He started getting too close when I was cutting his food, so I now tell him "hands on your head" when I am cutting anything near him. He always keeps his hands on his head now until I am done and he will usually see me get the knife and say hands on head and do it without me saying anything. I started doing this because I didn’t want to chance him not listening and getting his fingers in the way. It works like a charm mostly because he thinks it is fun.

WAIT or LET'S LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH
I'm using a lot of waiting, or let's look but don't touch because...ie it's hot!

TOUCH WITH ONE FINGER
For delicate things.

NO

Only use this for very serious things, e.g. knives in the dishwasher, scissors, electrical plugs, electrical outlets at homes with no safety covers etc."

deslau

We try to call DD's name, tell her to stop, and then redirect. Always try to make sure you are direct and speak simply so they will understand. If she continues a behavior (such as running up the steps), then a timeout for 1 minute facing the corner seems to do the trick. Hope this helps!

singingsea

We're doing time outs.

Kaelynn91

With my 14 month old it is all about redirection right now. I firmly tell her "No" when she does something bad, but I don't expect her to completely understand what I am saying yet. 

With my 2.5 year old I use warnings and time outs. Usually by the end of the timeout my daughter will come out of her room and say "I'm really sorry Mommy!" It really helps her calm down when she gets out of control. We try to limit them to one minute per year so right now her time outs are only two minutes long. 

SLGILL1978

I start with redirection, then "no" and lastly time out. I started time out when my daughter was 18 months. I set up a small child's comfy chair with some books and called it quiet time. I would only do time for 1.5 mins. My daughter is now almost 2 and after a couple minutes when she is ready, she says "mommy, I behave".