LGBT Parenting

Topic discussion - Polyamory?

So, I just finished watching an episode of "Our America with Lisa Ling" and the topic was polyamory.  What are your thoughts on this?  Could you be in a non-monogamous relationship?  Have you, do you want to, are you? 

Me: 30  DW (aka C): 29

Together since 2/15/11 ~ Legally married in NY on 9/29/12

***CP mentioned***

We've been working on baby #1 since July 2013 using Open ID donor sperm.  8 IUI attempts with 5 actual IUIs and one chemical pregnancy.  We have one fresh IVF cycle under our belts as well as a FET.  I have endometriosis and a uterine septum that was corrected via surgery in November 2013. 

11/14/14 -  Second HSG shows that tubes are still clear and ute is looking good. 

12/6/14 - Started BCPs in prep for IVF #2

12/22/14 - Saline u/s and endometrial scratch (All was clear and OUCH!)

1/2/15 - Began stimming for IVF #2

 ****All Welcome!****

We are Mommas to four fur babies - 3 dogs and 1 cat.

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Re: Topic discussion - Polyamory?

  • C and I have semi-discussed this before - mostly in a joking manner.  I'd like to come home to a clean house and cooked dinner and she'd like to be off the hook for the sexual stuff for the most part.  Obviously having a third wife, or more, doesn't guarantee that any of that would happen. 

    Intellectually I think it makes sense to some degree.  The episode said that only 5% of the inhabitants of the earth, human and non, are monogamous.  For many of us, we love different people throughout our lives.  Relationships might begin and end and we go on to love other people, sometimes sticking with just one but not always.  If we're able to love different people at different times in our lives, then does it make sense that there is only one person that we're expected to love for the rest of our lives? 

    On a very real and personal level, I'm honestly not sure I would be secure enough in myself for it to work.  The families that were shown did briefly discuss the jealousy issues and acknowledged that they do happen.  I'd like to say that I could handle it and not be jealous, but I'm not sure that is really the case.  Every marriage/relationship takes work to keep it going.  To juggle more than one person at a time could be exhausting I think.  Sometimes it's exhausting with just the two of us. 

    The folks who were interviewed talked a lot about how it has opened up how much they are able to love another person and that they are very happy and feel like they've reached a higher level of happiness in life.  It sounded like they had to push through some issues, but that ultimately they wouldn't change how they are living their lives.  I suppose we could all say that though.   

    If it was something that C and I ever decided we wanted to explore, I think it would require a lot of discussion, a lot of thought and a clear understanding of what our initial expectations would be. 


    Me: 30  DW (aka C): 29

    Together since 2/15/11 ~ Legally married in NY on 9/29/12

    ***CP mentioned***

    We've been working on baby #1 since July 2013 using Open ID donor sperm.  8 IUI attempts with 5 actual IUIs and one chemical pregnancy.  We have one fresh IVF cycle under our belts as well as a FET.  I have endometriosis and a uterine septum that was corrected via surgery in November 2013. 

    11/14/14 -  Second HSG shows that tubes are still clear and ute is looking good. 

    12/6/14 - Started BCPs in prep for IVF #2

    12/22/14 - Saline u/s and endometrial scratch (All was clear and OUCH!)

    1/2/15 - Began stimming for IVF #2

     ****All Welcome!****

    We are Mommas to four fur babies - 3 dogs and 1 cat.

    image   

  • KH826KH826 member
    edited November 2014

    Oh boy! I have been waiting for another good hot topic discussion, and I think this one could potentially be a doozy! :)

    In terms of my answer, I will be uncharacteristically brief here: No. There is no way on this green earth I could ever for even a millisecond handle this. Nope. No judgment to those that do, but no way jose for this lady.

    I am interested to see what other folks have to say on this topic...

    Me - 30, My wife - 31 , Together for 10 yrs - Married August 2012

    5 medicated IUIs w/ RE (March - July 2013) = BFN

    Fresh IVF Cycle in September 2013 resulted in 18 mature eggs, 16 fertilized, 12 made it to day 5. Transfer of 2 Grade A blastocysts on 9/15/13, and 10 embryos in the freezer!      *****BFP on 9/25/13 - betas: @10dp5dt = 232; @12dp5dt = 465; @15dp5dt = 1,581   *********William George born June 4, 2014*********
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  • KH826 said:

    Oh boy! I have been waiting for another good hot topic discussion, and I think this one could potentially be a doozy! :)

    In terms of my answer, I will be uncharacteristically brief here: No. There is no way on this green earth I could ever for even a millisecond handle this. Nope. No judgment to those that do, but no way jose for this lady.

    I am interested to see what other folks have to say on this topic...

    What she said. I'll try to come back later and add. Good topic!
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  • KH826 said:

    Oh boy! I have been waiting for another good hot topic discussion, and I think this one could potentially be a doozy! :)

    In terms of my answer, I will be uncharacteristically brief here: No. There is no way on this green earth I could ever for even a millisecond handle this. Nope. No judgment to those that do, but no way jose for this lady.

    I am interested to see what other folks have to say on this topic...

    Me too! I have absolutely no problem with it if all adults are 100% consenting and psychologically fit to do so (sorry, I don't think a 16 year old in an polygamous LDS family who really has no choice meets that criteria), but there's no way I could handle it.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • For me personally, no, I couldn't be polyamorous.  Because 1) I couldn't handle the jealousy and 2) even if I was the type of person to not be jealous I would find it exhausting to manage more than one intimate relationship.  I'm an introvert and prefer the company of only a handful of people.  If I had to switch from one relationship to another I would just find it tiring.  Besides, I like that our dynamic is just the two of us.  Throwing a 3rd person in would change things.

    Socially, I'm totally fine with polyamory if everyone involved is consenting and happy with the arrangements.  I only get wary of these situations when one person feels coerced into it because their partner wants to date other people while keeping their relationship and they only do it to make him/her happy.  A friend of mine is married (bisexual) and she wants to go poly so she can date women but her husband disagrees.  She won't push him into it but I know she wants more than he can give her so it makes me uncomfortable on their behalf.

    Socially, I disagree with polygamy.  The power is all in the hands of the man and I think that's wrong.  There may be some situations where I guess it would be okay if there were a couple wives but 3 or more?  How can the man possibly have the time, resources, and energy to meet the emotional and sexual needs of each wife?  It doesn't compute.  I feel bad because I feel like I *should* say that everyone is free to live the life they want, but I have a very hard time believing women in a polygamous marriage are truly happy.  I feel like they do it either for their husband or their religious beliefs.

  • @wishiwaspreggo‌ - I agree with you regarding polygamy.

    I have watched Sister Wives and also an episode of My Five Wives. I try to keep an open mind about it, but I'm uncomfortable with it at the same time. With polyamory, I see the ability for consenting adults to freely love who they want to - that would be the ideal anyway. Love would be fluid and expressed in different ways with different people.

    With polygamy I see power and control to some degree. The man is the only one allowed to have multiple partners. I'm an equal opportunity kinda gal - if he can have multiple wives then why can't they have other husbands? I could probably go off on a tangent with this one - but my main point really would be that it's almost like he's a King with his harem so to speak. That doesn't sit well with me.

    Me: 30  DW (aka C): 29

    Together since 2/15/11 ~ Legally married in NY on 9/29/12

    ***CP mentioned***

    We've been working on baby #1 since July 2013 using Open ID donor sperm.  8 IUI attempts with 5 actual IUIs and one chemical pregnancy.  We have one fresh IVF cycle under our belts as well as a FET.  I have endometriosis and a uterine septum that was corrected via surgery in November 2013. 

    11/14/14 -  Second HSG shows that tubes are still clear and ute is looking good. 

    12/6/14 - Started BCPs in prep for IVF #2

    12/22/14 - Saline u/s and endometrial scratch (All was clear and OUCH!)

    1/2/15 - Began stimming for IVF #2

     ****All Welcome!****

    We are Mommas to four fur babies - 3 dogs and 1 cat.

    image   

  • It's funny I was just having this conversation last week with a friend. We have a mutual acquaintance in an "open relationship" with her male partner. However it seems quite open on his side and less so on hers. I have no problem with adults engaging in any kind of relationship they chose, but that said I have never seen this concept work. Or at least not work in a way that looks appealing to me. EV and I have talked with other couple friends about how great it would be to buy a huge plot of land somewhere and build our houses close to each other so we could have that community/companionship.  Platonic of course.  I can totally see how having a "big family" is appealing.  However having to "date" for the rest of my life - ugh not for me.  I love being in a trusting, comfortable, loving long term relationship with my wife. I love that she accepts me with or without make-up, in jeans or in yoga pants. With a toddler and infant at home I have almost no "seductive" energy on tap - lol! 
  • StacyLH24 said:
    @wishiwaspreggo‌ - I agree with you regarding polygamy. I have watched Sister Wives and also an episode of My Five Wives. I try to keep an open mind about it, but I'm uncomfortable with it at the same time. With polyamory, I see the ability for consenting adults to freely love who they want to - that would be the ideal anyway. Love would be fluid and expressed in different ways with different people. With polygamy I see power and control to some degree. The man is the only one allowed to have multiple partners. I'm an equal opportunity kinda gal - if he can have multiple wives then why can't they have other husbands? I could probably go off on a tangent with this one - but my main point really would be that it's almost like he's a King with his harem so to speak. That doesn't sit well with me.

    Yes, exactly!  That's what I dislike.  The women claim to be happy - but are they really?  Why does the man get to be king of the house and select multiple intimate partners while the women have to wait for their "turn" with him?  That's really messed up to me.  I do not like uneven distribution of power in romantic relationships.  It's the patriarchy at its worst.  I do not like it.

    Now my ex and his wife, they have an open marriage.  She gets to have boyfriends and he gets to have girlfriends and they both enjoy the benefits of it.  It's not for me, personally, but at least they both are happy with the arrangement and equally benefit from it.

  • Interesting topic indeed. I do want to say that LDS folk don't practice polygamy anymore, a new branch was started called the FLDS and they do practice polygamy. Funnily however, the LDS do believe that they will practice polygamy in heaven. The FLDS are the ones who force young girls to marry, often to old men. 

    Living in the land of polygamy, this topic comes up fairly frequently. I am certainly not part of the 95% nonmonogamous  population. I remember learning in one of my anthropology courses about  a monogamous gene. The more monogamous you are, the longer the gene. I am pretty sure mine is looooong. I am also super jealous, I don't want to share J with anyone. 

    I agree with @wishiwaspreggo and @StacyLH24, polyamory is fine by me. I do question the control of the man in polygamous relationships though. I've met many kids whose parents are polygamists (often called pliglets here) and my sister even dated a guy from a polygamist family once. A lot of the kids I know never wanted to do it themselves as adults, but feel a lot of pressure to due to religion and family and many are taught that it is the right thing to do, so that's hard to overcome. 

    I'm all for being as many relationships with whoever you want to though. It sounds exhausting to me, and unfulfilling, but no judgements here (consenting adults of course).


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  • In my early twenties and with out too strong of an emotional connection I would be comfortable with a more open relationship.  However at this stage of my life it is something I wouldn't be at all interested in.  Sex isn't overly important to me and in a relationship I look more for an emotional connection and I would be really hurt if R had the same level of emotional connection with another person as she had with me.  Also jealous as all hell!  I do watch sister wives and although I could never do that I find that all the women knew what they were getting into and seem very happy (other then the first wife).  I feel that the women on that show like the community more then the husband sometimes.  Although if you notice they all get jealous when the husband shows more attention to one of the wives then the others.  Prime example when he adds in the 4th wife. 

    I feel like I just rambled....Back to topic I personally could never do it and although I feel that as adults you should live the life you want to live morally polygamy makes me uncomfortable, that being said some people would say homosexually makes them morally uncomfortable so I feel like I should be more morally accepting of it.

    Me: 30  DP: 30

    TTC#1

    IUI#1 9/26/13 BFN

    IUI#2 10/26/13 BFP beta #1 99 #2 456

    2/20/2014 Brynlee Madeline is taken too soon at 19weeks she was perfect

    IUI#3 6/10/14 BFP beta #1 276 beta #2 722 20w A/S shows we are having a girl

     

     

     

  • Interesting topic and responses.

    In Uni, I did briefly consider entering into a three way relationship but decided in the end that as much as the idea appealed to me (and it was posed to me as a 'let's take it slow and see' kinda thing) I wasn't prepared to 'test drive' a relationship - especially one that challenged social expectations in such a way. Despite social awkwardness, I've always been proud to take a 'this is who I am, get used to it' policy with regards to my sexuality.  I'm not so sure I could have done that with two girlfriends and having to hide such an important part of myself is not an option for me.

    Sometimes I do think back on that time and wonder what might have happened but I'd never trade what I have with A now.

    I guess it comes down to how fulfilling your relationship is.  Between two (or more) consenting adults, if it harms no-one then it should be a case of what feels right.

  • I've been with my boyfriend for five years and for the majority of our relationship, we've been with different partners. I'm not entirely sure if that is poly or swinging (there is a difference), but it's nice to be able to have more freedom and once we started on this journey, we never (And I mean never ever in years) have had a fight centered around jealousy and all that toxic stuff. Nice topic, BTW!
  • I see this from a different perspective right now.  I found out a few years ago that my parents have been swinging (again, different from being poly) since I was like 10.  It has been really hard for me to process (Hello, Therapy!), especially as they are now involved with a woman, moved into a house across the street from her and are co-raising an adopted baby and my new half-brother with her.  

    My partner and I know that we are monogamous, but I am supportive of anything that is between informed consenting adults.  I just would caution that how/when/why you address this with your children is super important.  I don't know what I would have preferred my parents do, but I know that it's been hard for me.  
    -----
    Impatiently waiting to TTC (2015)
    Me & Sweetie (both 27)
    Together for 7.5 years
    My uterus will house the baby
    January 2014 - I lost my right ovary and fallopian 
    tube to a 26cm tumor (non-cancerous, thankfully).  
    Symmetry is overrated, right?
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