It's time to call it - journey's end (older daughter mentioned)

gscoville

*older daughter mentioned

*sorry it's so very long!

Here we are, finally, officially, staring down the end of our TTC journey.  Although it's really been months in the making, we just couldn't seem to bring ourselves to truly broach the subject with each other, not until this week. After being benched through a long summer/fall of investigating various medical issues I've been having - weird light headedness, headaches, dizziness with CT and MRI scans showing nothing definitive to explain it all, and spotting/bleeding for all but a few days every cycle, I think we had started to come to terms with the fact that we might not actually TTC again but just couldn't admit that we'd come the that place. As perfect as we are together, one of our faults is that we tend to be indecisive, as if we don't want to hurt the others' feelings by making a decision they might dislike. This can be funny, as when it takes us an hour to decide where to go out for supper or what movie to watch and we both try to wait each other out to force a decision. Or it can be exasperating, as when we avoid discussing something major for fear of not seeming supportive or feeling like we might be pressuring the other to our way of thinking.
 
Our serious discussion over the last couple of days was triggered by my OB visit on Monday; like my head scans, my testing results to find out why I'm bleeding all the time (bloodwork, ultrasounds, paps, and a cervical biopsy) are mostly inconclusive.  No cancer or cysts or such, which of course is a huge relief, but nothing really to explain my constant bleeding other than that I seem to have a hormonal imbalance causing an 'unstable endometrial layer' that is always in a state of being sloughed off.  Basically, my OB wants me to go back on BC. Given that my bleeding is just getting worse with time (I spotted/bled from Sept. 15-Oct. 20, including having two distinct, heavy, clotty periods only 18 days apart within that timeframe), I clearly need to get my hormones straightened out somehow and just stop all this bleeding.  I keep thinking of that joke about 'not trusting anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die', and imagine myself to be the most untrustworthy person out there!  Yeah, that's my weird sense of humour at play, classic 'humour as deflection' coping strategy!
 
At any rate, my OB outlined the range of what we could try, from low-dose BCP all the way through to burning out my uterine lining or performing a hysterectomy. Scary to even hear those last two as serious options, needless to say!  We settled on a higher dose BCP (Marvelon) and will give it four months to see if it helps to alleviate my bleeding, then go from there.  I'm a wee bit skeptical as I was on Marvelon before we started TTC and would have a five or six day 'mini-period' in the middle of every pill pack then, but he said it's a good place to start as I was on it before for years without other problems and so, as a non-smoker, the concern about blood clots with higher dose hormones isn't as great.  It's a starting point anyways, so we'll see.  He wasn't at all optimistic about the possibility of TTC again down the road, saying even if the BCP works to control my bleeding, he felt once I came off of it I would just have the same bleeding problems again, and that would clearly be a hindrance to any success TTC; he can't control my bleeding without involving some measure of birth control, anything that helps the bleeding won't be conducive to TTC, and the bleeding itself is not allowing me to get KU anyways.  Catch-22 of epic proportions.
 
To be honest, though, hearing the OB all but say TTC would not be in our future almost felt like a relief, like outside confirmation of what we've been feeling for a long time now, like my body is just done and despite all our efforts there was really no chance at success, like we gave it our all and the decision to stop has really been made for us.  Hubby started a new practicum this week so couldn't come with me to the OB appointment, so I had to report back to him and from there we finally brought the whole issue out into the open.  It was tough and involved so many tears on my part, but we were both completely honest in letting our thoughts and concerns see the light of day for once.  It seems we've both been floating for months in a kind of limbo, both of us feeling like it was time to call it quits but afraid to voice it for fear the other might still really want to keep TTC and would be hurt by the other not being on the same page.  I know it seems stupid, but we just really needed to hear that it was ok to stop TTC, in fact that it would actually be ill-advised to continue.  It took so much of the pressure and guilt off of us as we explored where we're at and came to find we really were on the same page after all. 
 
Ultimately, after over two years of thinking of almost nothing but TTC and then our loss, we're feeling rather exhausted and lost ourselves.  The continued pain and heartache of TTC without success, not to mention the age factor looming over us, has been making us pretty miserable - me outwardly, him more inwardly as he tries to stay strong for my sake.  Hubby admitted he has been having a pretty hard time dealing with worrying about me and my health, not to mention his vast fear of another complication threatening my life if I were to get KU again.  He still has nightmares about the events surrounding our loss: taking my panicked and incoherent call at work to try to get him to the hospital before I was whisked away; following my sirens-on ambulance to the city for my emergency surgery and seeing it all of a sudden stop by the side of the road so they could stabilize me, scared to the core that I was dead or dying or else why would they stop; waiting those agonizing hours through my surgery.  I often think we don't realize quite how traumatic it can be for our guys to have to sit by helplessly and watch us go through the scary physical aspects of loss, as well as the aftermath of testing, procedures, and sheer roller coaster of emotions that TTCAL brings.  Anyways, through it all we both feel like we need to let things go and just enjoy life and each other once again. It took us 35+ years just to find each other, another four years to meld our long-distance lives to finally be together, and then we jumped into TTC right after our wedding - our life together has really just begun, it's time to reconnect and move on.
 
Of course, as ok as I am with the decision, or at least coming to terms with the finality of it, it's made me sadder than I can even begin to explain.  I still mourn our loss deeply, and the future we anticipated but will never have because of it.  I hate that my hubby will never get to be a 'daddy' - he'd be an amazing one I know - and that his mom will never get to experience having grandbabies.  I have my daughter from a previous marriage and she's wonderful, but she's not his - she was 13 when we met, her own father is still very much in her life, and she's now 20 and living away going to school.  He will just never be a father in the truest sense of the word, and that to me is the most painful part of all of this. 
 
In the end, though, I am extremely grateful.  Grateful for all that I have, my family and friends who are so dear to me.  I'm grateful for the beautiful and loving man that is my husband, where his ultimate care is not for himself but for me; as much as we both want a child together, he will not risk me or my health for that no matter what, and he will not allow me to feel guilty on his behalf.  He loves me so dearly, and he looks forward to seeing what life brings us together.  I really can't ask for any more than this!
 
I'm also so eternally grateful for TTCAL and the amazing and fantastic women here who have helped me through it all, I truly don't know how I would have done it without you.  Although I've withdrawn from the board somewhat in recent months, I know I won't leave entirely - not yet, anyways.  I still care so much for this board and its members, and hope I can continue to offer whatever support and experience I can.  I just can't say it loud enough, but thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being the beautiful, fierce, supportive, and strong women that you are!

 

And of course, to deflect with some humour and a nod to my immense Benedict crush:

ctk181

I'm glad you and your husband were able to have that very difficult conversation and come to a decision that you both feel is best. I can only imagine how hard it must have been. Wishing you and YH a beautiful life together. ((Hugs))

And thanks for the Benedict gifs, I him too. So here's one more for your collection ;-)

tlc35

I am sorry you have had to come to this difficult decision and I hope you and your H can find peace with it.  Thank you for sharing this personal thought process with us.
((Hugs))

rmpar29

Oh my dearest friend, I'm in tears reading this.  I'm glad that you and DH are on the same page, but I'm so sad for you at the same time.  Please know that I think of you often and have been stalking you on 6+.  You've been so kind and gentle to all of us here and I really appreciate all of the support you've shown me.  I have missed you and will continue to miss you, but I can understand your need to move on.  If you are ever in NY please let me know as I'd love to meet you someday. 

Many ((((((((HUGS))))))) and much love coming your way sweetie!

Km380

This brought me to tears. I'm so sorry your journey has come to this. But I'm glad you and YH are on the same page. I hope that you are able to get your health issues under control. Lots of (((hugs))) to you and YH

LaRomana09

(sig)

(((((((GS)))))))  I'm so sorry your journey has come to an end.  I'm glad that you and your DH are on the same page and that you are both ready to start this new chapter of your lives, but I wish it wasn't so painful seeing this one end.  You have been such a huge part of this board, even if you haven't been around as much in recent months.  I wish you, your DH, and your daughter so much happiness.  And, because I too like to deflect emotion with humor, I will always remember you as the person who taught me what and where my cervix is.  XOXOXO

:-*  :x  >:D<

PinkCamino

Oh GSC, (((hugs))) I'm so sorry that this is where your journey has led you. So man positive vibe for you and your Dh as you  move forward.

sunflwra

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I can't imagine how difficult it is to come to that conclusion but I can understand wanting some of the relief of being able to move on to a life that doesn't revolve around TTC. I wish you such luck in your renewed newlyweddedness

dawnstar898

I am so sorry you're journey has come to an end.  You are blessed with your daughter and your husband but I can tell there is still a hole that may never get filled.  My heart goes out to you.  Big, huge squishy (((hugs)))

welly01

I'm so sorry you've reached the end of your journey but I hope that getting everything out in the open will bring peace to you and DH.

MSU_Girl1202

Oh lady, I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending the biggest hugs. I'm glad you and YH are on the same page, but so sad to see you going through this. xo Sending all my love

carlsonbaby2014

**sig/ticker warning**

((((((((((((((((@gscoville)))))))))))))))).  So much love and best wishes for what comes next for you, YH, and daughter.  You are an amazing woman and I will be holding you close in my T&Ps.

****

MrsKush1014

I'm so sorry, your story brought tears to my eyes.  

katib77

As a fellow 'end of the journey TTCAL'er' I understand so much of what you're saying.  While yes, there is still some grieving, and moving away from the board is harder than I expected, the weight off your shoulders of being "done" is so welcome.  I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward through this life with your loving husband.  

buggirl72

Oh sweat heart ((((hugs)))))). I am so sorry that your body made the choice for you and that you still do not have any concrete answers as to what is going on. I know this is not what you wanted but I am so glad that you and your H finally talked and are on the same page as this.

Elliecat17

Hugs ((HUGS)) I hope that you get your health under control quickly.

meredithcarole

@gscoville You have been a continual voice of wisdom, reason, and experience on this board.  You have shown patience and a strong presence for those of us who have come here after you.  Though you have stepped away a bit in recent months you have continued to leave your mark on many of the forums I am on. 

I am so very sad that your journey is ending.  I am sure it was a heart wrenching conversation and decision, but ultimately your future health and happiness is what matters.  I am glad you and H are on the same page with it.  It takes a lot of bravery to be able to say "this isn't in our cards" and I hope you are able to walk away from the dream knowing that while this story didn't end how you wished it would, you walked the road with grace.

I am thankful for all that you have given to the community and I am glad you aren't going away completely.  Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and I wish all the best for you going forward.  

thegiantfam

so many hugs. you are so strong and brave, and it sounds like your husband is, too. thank you for sharing your story.

kyliehopeful

I know we haven't interacted on this board, however your story brought tears to my eyes. We are also getting closer to having to make the same decision and it scares me so much.
Good luck with your new journey.

megrae12

Oh hunny, i have tears in my eyes. I have been thinking about you. I hate your are at this point, but glad you are at peace with your decision. I know that had to be hard.

I, for one, don't want to see you ever leave (I'm selfish like that). Mostly it's because, you were my go to when i first started on the board. Your ran the newbie check in, and, well, you rocked it! So many ((hugs))and lots of love.

Nikolie93

I know I haven't been around long but your story truly touched me. I'm afraid MH and I may make the same decision soon and I know it will be difficult. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Good luck with everything. *hug*

skategirl128

So many hugs! I'm so sad to read this- you had me in tears! I'm sorry your journey led you here. You've been a great support here! So much love!

jjbmstinco

You are a very strong woman and thank you for sharing your story with us.  I hope that you can get your bleeding under control.  I am happy to hear that your dh and you are on the same page. I am wishing you so much luck and positive things moving forward!

MyFirstRaspberry

G, I wish I could give you a hug IRL. I am sorry your path is changing but I am so thankful that you and YH are together on the decision. I wish you peace and happiness. 

rslh10

This was such an amazing, moving thing to read. I am truly sorry to hear of the events surrounding your loss, and also of your current health issues. I'm happy to hear that you and DH are on the same page, and yet, I'm still sad for you. I am sending you many, MANY hugs!

foodie12rn

Thank you so much for sharing. I've only been on the board for 3 weeks, so I haven't seen you around, but I want you to know that my heart aches for you. I can't imagine how difficult this decision was for both you and YH to make. I hope that you find some answers re: your health issues and you find peace.

Rachaeleigh

So many ((((hugs))))
Of course I'm sorry to see your ttc journey come to an end, but I wish you and your DH so many great years of connecting ahead

taberbtb

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Many, many (((HUGS))) to you GS. I am sorry you have reached this fork in your journey, but you are so blessed to have someone as strong and supportive as YH to travel this road with. You have been such an important part of this board and you will be missed. I wish you much peace, love and health as you continue in life.

ellebelle2384

I'm so sorry you are at this point. ((Hugs)) to you and thank you for sharing your story with us. And thank you for the lovely gifs I hope your doctor can get your medical concerns under control. ((hugs))

stephy1221

I am so sorry you find yoursrlf at the end of your TTC journey. I wish you the best of luck with your health and finding peace with this decision. Hugs.

rubysi

Thank you for your story. I am sorry this journey has ended for you.

alm288

I'm so sorry your journey is ending like this. It's so sad. I'm glad to hear though that you and YH are on the same page. I wish you both the best moving forward (((Hugs)))

Frenchteachermama

Thank you so much for sharing, I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in the future. So very sorry this is the end of your TTC journey but I hope your future journey with your husband is full of joy, excitement and love.

jms627

Thank you for sharing this. My heart is with you and your husband on having to make this difficult choice. I'm wishing you all the best in the future and hope to still see you around!

lovemybellag

I'm so sorry. Your story breaks my heart. May you both heal and find peace.

LizBlue

Sending so many hugs GSC. Like katib, I get it. This is a very deep sadness but comes with some relief as well. I will always be here if you need a shoulder or an ear. I'm also a big fan of inappropriate humor as coping mechanism. Sign me up.

More hugs girl. Take it day by day.

yellowcat10

Thank you for sharing, this it has to be hard and a relief all at the same time. I think many of us need to hear these stories just as much or more than a BFP, at least I do. I hope you are able to figure out the medical issues soon, thank you again!

gscoville

Thank you all so very much for the caring and supportive comments and well wishes, they mean more to me than you can possibly know. I had to stop reading them at work because, well, tears ya know - your words are all so beautiful and make me feel so loved! Thank you!

NoeliaV

**** sig/ticker warning ***

GS, I am so sorry to hear that this is the end of your journey. Your guidance when I was brand new to this board, fresh from our loss, was so kind and welcomed-- thank you for all you brought to this community. I so wish this was not the end for you, but wish you nothing but the best with your dear husband as y'all go forward. ((( hugs )))

ImJessesGirl

Wow, I can identify with this post so much.

I am so proud of the conclusions you have made and the courage you are showing.