Telling kids the sex of the baby

NicoleWI

We were team green with all three prior kids, but this time DH and I found out the sex. I assumed we were going to tell the world, but he assumed I knew only WE were finding out!! We told our parents and a select few people. I really want to tell the kids. I feel like we are creating this weird build-up about the sex and making it a bigger deal by keeping it secret. DD1 keeps asking me to tell her. DS periodically talks about how he wants it to be a boy. Frankly, we were really hoping for a brother for DS, but it's a girl (which is great, too....just hoping she's healthy, etc etc). I'm afraid DS might be really disappointed (he will have 3 sisters and we are done after this). I feel like DD is compounding the problem b/c she wants a girl, but says things like, "I know it's a boy. It's a boy, isn't it, Mama?" in front of DS. 

I think it's better to tell them NOW and be able to talk about names, think about the baby more concretely, get over any sadness about not getting a brother. 

WWYD? As I said, we were team green before, and also, our kids were younger, so we haven't been down this road before. Any experiences to share?? I'm 30 weeks already on Friday (ticker is a little off).

Amstreagle

Why aren't you telling them? If they know you know.....it doesn't make sense to me. I would tell them

NicoleWI

I didn't KNOW DH didn't want to tell them. I had been telling them all along that we were going to find out this time. Now he doesn't want to tell them. This is what I have been dealing with. I think I'm going to tell DH we just have to tell them now. They don't know that anyone else knows. Only our parents know and one of DH's siblings.

Beevol

I think your DH needs to chill and just tell your kids. By not telling them while you know and their grandparents/et al know, you are teaching them that sex is this all important/magical aspect of the human identity which is weird and vaguely creepy to me. Plus, you're teaching kids who have just figured out lying (5 and 3 yrs old from the ticker, right?) that it's OK to hide things from people you love. 

Not only is it effed up, it's a pretty ridiculous parenting move that will probably come back to bite you in the butt in all sorts of ways (gender identity issues, lying, DS not getting a brother and being sad about it, are just the tip of the iceberg). 

ashiscute

How did you get far enough into your pregnancy to find out the sex and not realize you were on the same page about this?  

The only way I get doing a fun reveal is if you already have kids and you are telling them.  I'd tell YH he's being cruel and go get some balloons or whatever and make it fun for your kids.  

NicoleWI

Oh for heaven's sakes, gender identity issues are not going to arise from them not knowing yet! I think YOU are taking it a little too far now. They really are still hardly old enough to really get it. Only DD1 really does all the way and I keep saying we will tell them later, sometime when we are all together.

Also, I want to reiterate that only our parents and one sibling know and the kids don't know that THEY know. It's not like we are telling everyone else.

I don't know why DH feels like it should be a surprise for everyone. I think he thinks it's more fun. I just don't think anyone else cares that much. AT this point, I just really want to tell people. Everyone asks me; nobody asks him. It's just getting annoying.

AllTheTeaInChina

They don't know we know they know we know.

Seriously, tell your kids. Make it a fun reveal. My DD is 2 and knows her little sister in moms belly. Talks to her everyday. She has boy in her belly.

kellyfo14

I don't think you are doing anything permanently damaging by not telling them but I do agree with everyone else about telling them sooner than later mostly for the sake of your boy. It would be heartbreaking for you to deal with him being disappointed when your baby girl is here. Better to prepare him ahead of time. Perhaps your husband feels this way because he wants the kids to experience the surprise as he got to do with the other three when you were team green. It is your job to set him straight this time. Let them in on the secret. It will make them feel special.

NicoleWI

THis is the last thing I will post on this. I didn't realize people would think this was such a huge f-ing deal. I WANTED to make this a family affair and tell them from the start. Only after the u/s did DH say he really wanted to keep it secret. We did keep it secret so far b/c the minute we tell them, we can't keep it secret anymore, and I was trying to get DH and I on the same page. We are going to tell them.

What I was looking for were stories of how you telling your kids helped them bond/feel connected to the baby; how it was positive. Didn't get one bit of that. Thanks to the few posters who didn't jump down my throat.

RayRay007

We weren't going to tell anyone but then realized that wasn't really practical when we'd be painting the bedroom and getting rid of all our girl clothes. When we decided that we would tell, DD, who is 3, was the first to know. I thought it'd be completely unfair for anyone to know before her. Tell your kids. If you think your son might be disappointed it's a girl, he'll have more time to get used to the idea.

RayRay007

NicoleWI said:

What I was looking for were stories of how you telling your kids helped them bond/feel connected to the baby; how it was positive. Didn't get one bit of that. Thanks to the few posters who didn't jump down my throat.

I didn't get this question from your OP at all. You asked whether we would tell the kids and we all said yes.

DD is very excited about her baby brothers. She likes to talk about their (potential) names and pick out clothes and teddies for them (teddies from her own collection). I think it's more tangible to talk about little brothers rather than "babies".

LooneyLife

AllTheTeaInChina said:

They don't know we know they know we know. Seriously, tell your kids. Make it a fun reveal. My DD is 2 and knows her little sister in moms belly. Talks to her everyday. She has boy in her belly.

+1

llambrose

I would just convince my husband that you need to tell them, especially since it is what you want to do. My daughter is five and I brought home cupcakes with blue filling that we cut open for the reveal. She was really wanting a baby sister so I knew there would be a little disappointment from her (which there was) but at this point she has processed it and is very excited about her brother. I think you are thinking correctly that it is a good idea to tell them now rather than hold out when you know. It is still a surprise either way, your husband is just being weird about keeping something a secret that is actually no longer a secret.

bhk3

I would tell him that you felt bad hiding the baby's sex from your other kids and ask other parents for advice. Then show him this post and everyone's replies so he can see that virtually every single person agrees he is doing your kids a disservice hiding this info from them (and especially hiding it from them, but NOT from others).

PrimRoseMama

This is just me, but I think this is being made a big to-do. Just tell the kids & be done with it. I don't understand keeping it from them in the first place?

Like, WTF was the original thought process? Why would you tell other family members & not your kids? Why? :-??

barracuda377

Wow reading these posts I see so much judgement. Come on ladies we are all pregnant and dealing with crazy emotions, it only takes one thing to put us in a situation of upset/depression which is not healthy or easy to deal with.
I do think that telling your kids when others know is a good idea. Especially seeing as you ds wants a boy and I am sure you don't want him crying the first time he sees his little sister, otherwise you wouldn't have asked for advice (and advice it is not judgement or throwing around the f-bomb which is really unnecessary). Maybe making ice cream (blueberry for boy, strawberry for girl) would put some excitement into it and make it fun for them. Good luck

barracuda377

Thanks for your opinion. Sounds like you lack in kindness and couth. You can voice an opinion without being insulting and rude. And while you may feel that blaming horomones is a cop out and insulting to those that are pregnant then you have no sense of understanding of human nature and the ways that each of us is different in dealing with stresses. While she may have asked for an opinion she did not ask to be attacked, and if she felt attacked which she did by calling it out here then that is something to be said to all of the attackers. This is a support group and support is sharing and giving opinions without attacking and being judgemental (think what you want in your mind about the "shittiness" of the individual and still be respectful of their feelings).

PrimRoseMama

barracuda377 said:

Thanks for your opinion. Sounds like you lack in kindness and couth. You can voice an opinion without being insulting and rude. And while you may feel that blaming horomones is a cop out and insulting to those that are pregnant then you have no sense of understanding of human nature and the ways that each of us is different in dealing with stresses. While she may have asked for an opinion she did not ask to be attacked, and if she felt attacked which she did by calling it out here then that is something to be said to all of the attackers. This is a support group and support is sharing and giving opinions without attacking and being judgemental (think what you want in your mind about the "shittiness" of the individual and still be respectful of their feelings).

Oh. A WK. How...original...

Alygohome

This is truly one of the weirdest things I have read. Tell your kids.

Disneygeek77

Well, ok if that is what you want. DD will be 6 next month and DS is 3.5. We told them both a few months ago they were having a sister with pink balloons. DD is very excited and talks about her little sister all the time and draws pictures for her. She also likes to brag to people that she will be having a little sister and kisses my stomach. DS doesn't seem to get it. All he knows is that he is going to be a giant brother ( his words ).

byrne15

I feel bad that your kids are being left in the dark about this.  I just don't understand. 

We found out the sex of baby #3 at the same time as ds#1 and ds#2 via a cake with frosting inside (ds#1's choice).

liladelphia215

Yeah - I agree with everyone else - tell your kids. It's definitely odd that others know and your kids don't... but, since you want an uplifiting story, I think I have something  that will help you. 

We were going back and forth about being team green this time. DD was dead set on having a sister. She's 3.5 years old and she gets it. We decided to find out so this way it gives her some specifics about the baby to bond to, and to get any disappointment out of the way (not to say those who are team green can't do the same without finding out the sex.. but this felt best for us). So we brought DD to the anatomy scan and the baby was quickly cooperative. It was a boy. DD crumbled into a ball on the exam room floor and sobbed - I wish I had it on video. It didn't take long to work her through her disappointment, but it was nice to get it out of the way now, instead of having to deal with it once DS comes. 

barracuda377

Thank you

AlwaysForgetful

Well..... We told the kids and the same day told the others. We knew the kids (ages 7 and below) cannot keep a secret.

#1 wanted another brother. After #3 he said he wanted girls for the next 2 babies and then this one he wanted a boy. And other people and their comments on it were NOT helping. He is autistic and once it is in his mind... you never know how things will go. Luckily he was ok when we told him. We told him first actually and asked him to help tell the others. He is now more interested in my belly and gives it kisses almost daily. The others could care less on if it is a boy or girl. The next boys down is the "big brother" here. He can't wait to "teach her" like he has #4 and 5. Meaning helping out and reading to them. #3... doesn't matter. Can he have a snack again when mommy is in the hospital? (really that was his concern). #4 is excited... She has a "new princess". Meaning she is viewing a baby as a doll. Kinda like how she treats #5. She means well and loves her siblings. 

We made a big deal that the kids get to come see mommy and daddy with the new baby first. That has caused more excitement than anything else. They actually look forward to "being first". So I keep it that way. They will also know the name first. We are keeping that quiet.