Bright and early *almost* Friday morning to you! I'm getting introspective too early, I know.
Since our losses, RE testing, risk discussion and more discussion, hashing out our chances with treatments...on and on...I feel like it's becoming more about the process. I'm more focussed on the goal, the clinical side, achieving conception.
**child mentioned**
Somehow I've lost the motivation for an actual baby...? I don't think about a cute little squishy face or first smiles anymore. My thought process has changed, I think. Since diagnosis (Luteal phase defect, MTHFR, factor V) and treatment plan (Letrazole/ progesterone, Folgard, Lovenox) I feel more into what that will do, chances it will give us. If it works what due date we'll have, what that timing will mean. And I worry about the crazy stress from a newborn not sleeping. Our first medicated cycle starts next week...maybe it's cold feet?
Gold star if you read this far. I guess I'm not looking for an answer, just thought maybe some of you went through or are going through these feelings?
I sort of get what you mean... I guess you're so used to treatment and TTC that actually have a baby seems surreal, like it's never going to be a reality. I can't even picture actually being a fully functional mother like all my friends are. It just seems like it's so far away, even though I want it so badly.
Not sure if that's at all the same as how you're feeling... We'll all get there eventually xx
Me (22)& Steve (23)
Furbabies: Samsung and Greystache
Engaged since Feb 2014
DX: PCOS Feb 2013
Lap for suspected endo: August 2014 - nothing found
Sometimes I find myself really invested in "winning" or "achieving" the goal, aside from the understanding that the goal is a new person in our lives. Sometimes that actually makes it easier, because it help me look at the long-term and see setbacks as reasonable/necessary on the path to achieving the goal, instead of freaking out that I may never be a mother!
January 3T Siggy Challenge - New Year's Resolutions
Me (29), DH (30) TTC actively 54 55+ cycles | All BFNs
I can completely empathize with you here. I start my first medicated cycle at the end of next week or early the following (depending on when CD1 starts) and I find myself more and more disconnected with the idea of a baby. Maybe I'm preparing myself for if it doesn't work by distancing myself. Maybe it is a little cold feet - I've been waiting for this cycle for months that I can't imagine actually doing it. I imagine this is how people feel when they get cold feet before their wedding.
Hang in there - hugs to you!
Me: 28 MH:35
Married September 2012. TTC since September 2013
June 2014 - Dx w/ significant PCOS and referred to RE.
July/August 2014 - Testing complete: Testosterone & AMH very high, FSH slightly high, Vitamin D low, tubes and lining all lovely. DH SA: A+
I know that personally, I try not to let myself picture a future with an actual little person in it. It's just too hard. DH, on the otherhand, is all about the theoretical child and imagining fun things. I guess his optimism hopefully cancels out my realism (I don't like to think I'm pessimistic).
Me: 31 (PCOS) possible right tube issues DH: 36 (SA normal)
Started dating in 2006, Married 2012
TTC since November 2013
First RE visit due to irregular periods: June 2014
Lap/Hysto to remove polyps, cyst and tube blockage 11/6
Cycle 1 (Dec. 2014) TI with Clomid, Trigger, & Progesterone CX due to no response
Impatiently Waiting CD1 to try again with Fermara Back on the bench due to giant cyst,
who know I'd ovulate on my own after a cancelled cycle and end up with a mega cyst
I know what you mean, but I think part of those feelings is you protecting yourself. It's hard to think of the sweet little baby, look at baby clothes and mentally decorate a nursery. In some ways it's easier to just focus on the treatment, and put all of those others feelings off until you are actually pregnant.
IMO I think that once you are successful you will allow your self to start acting like a normal expectant mom and dream of your sweet little baby all day long.
TTC #1 January 2009 January 2010 SA results: Count 16 million, Motility 40%, Morphology 2% January 2010- Surprise BFP! DS born 10/1/2010 January 2013 TTC #2 September 2013 Repeat SA: Count= 1.7 million, Motility= 24%, Morphology= 2% November 6th 1st Appointment with RE: diagnosed with severe MFI Testing to try to determine a cause & possible treatment for MFI CD 3 blood work for me. RE does not want to repeat my HSG/lap at this point, but may want to before moving forward with any fertility treatments. After seeing the uro, DH is currently taking lots of supplements and clomid to try to boost his count. We will have a repeat SA in February to see if it works. Follow up SA numbers are: Count= 4 million, Motility= 40%, Morphology= 1% Uro wants us to have another follow up SA 5/9 to see if we see further improvement than we are back to the RE to make a game plan.
SA 5/9/2014 Count: 12 Million, Motility: 60%, and Morphology 2%. We will be doing iui #1 in late June
IUI #1 6/28 clomid + ovidrel, post wash count 3 million total sperm= BFN
IUI # 2 7/21 clomid+ ovidrel. post wash count 900,000 total sperm= BFN
IVF planned for early November- cancelled due to cyst
I agree with all the previous posters. I can not visualize a baby either. I've gone as far as telling close friends that if I am some how blessed with a healthy pregnancy, I do NOT want a shower of any kind. I can't even imagine celebrating until there is a baby in my arms. This is my way of protecting my heart from further damage.
With that said, time is on our side. If/when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, we have 9 whole months to change our mindset.
Totally get what you're saying. I haven't officially started treatment yet, but I can say that this time waiting and testing I've come to the realization that I need to be okay with it if it doesn't happen. Adoption has always been a contender in our family building process minus the high cost of course. I'd just always hoped I could conceive on my own but I think I'm genuinely okay if that's not going to happen. Or at least I tell myself that now.
Thanks for the support ladies. I'm just afraid I'm not doing it for a baby anymore, you know. I'm doing it to "win". And I'm nervous- get to the heart beat, pass 12 weeks, then 20 week anatomy scan, then delivery, then SIDS. Ugh, I just see so much worrying and exhaustion. I'm afraid I've obsessed so much on fixing my problem that I'm not ready lol ugh, atleast I'm not alone!
I can completely relate. Like a PP mentioned, I will randomly get triggered by something, but mostly I worry about what birthdays the BFP will ultimately coincide with, sleepless nights, not being able to go out on a whim or sit around the house and relax on a slow day, etc. I guess cold feet is a good way of putting it. It's not that I want my BFP any less, I just have had so much time to reflect on it, that it's given me an opportunity to consider all the repercussions (whereas most people don't have to think too hard about having a baby).
Yesterday, I was having a rough day. We are still seeing at least one spider every other day, I keep failing to stay gluten-free, I'm struggling with writing a letter to my dad and grieving the loss of that relationship, and then DH and I walked into a store to get him some clothes for work. At this store, you HAVE TO walk by all the baby clothes to get to the rest of the store. Well, there was this adorable 3/4 sleeve onsie that had a horse on it. I saw it and immediately thought "this is exactly what my mom would have bought me if she were still here and I were pregnant". She loved horses. She would've loved the whole store, truthfully, because there was a lot of stuff that was her style there. Anyway, I will admit that we bought it because I want to be able to give it to my daughter someday and say "this would have been from your grandma". I'm a sentimental idiot on occasion and I'm fully aware that this was probably a mistake, but I think I would have felt worse if I'd not gotten it at all because I would have wanted it later.
ANYWAY, we get home, and I got on my iPad like usual. Checked out the bump and fiddled around on a GF site, etc. Then, I decided to get on Facebook. Lately, it's been cluttered with what seems like only new babies, and cute baby halloween pics. I've been trying to avoid it, but I wanted to check and see if I had any messages. I didn't and I was bombarded (for the 2967678th time this week) with babies pictures. I threw my iPad down on the couch and said (to DH) "I'm so tired of seeing everyone's stupid baby halloween pictures" and stormed out of the room. I seriously burst into tears over it. DH came into our room (where I'd gone) and just hugged me while I lost it for a good half an hour.
The craziest part was that I was actually hoping all this extra emotion meant I was hormonal and might actually start AF soon. No hope for a BFP, just 'gee, I hope I get a cycle soon". I am on the brink of just taking a break and trying to lose weight and see a therapist for a while before going straight into adoption. I almost bought condoms the other day (not that it would make a difference).
Anyway, that was really long, but I basically wanted to say I sympathize with you.
tl;dr: I had a breakdown, considering a long break and therapy, fuck facebook. I totally relate to OP.
Love 2010 | Marriage 2011 | TTC #1 since 2012 PCOS | Anovulatory | Metformin + Letrozole
I try not to look too far ahead because it will cause me anxiety. We do talk about names, but that's about it. I need to take this one step at a time. Once I get pregnant, I'll focus on the next thing.
Re: Motivation to conceive turned into ? **child mentioned**
I can't even picture actually being a fully functional mother like all my friends are. It just seems like it's so far away, even though I want it so badly.
Not sure if that's at all the same as how you're feeling... We'll all get there eventually
xx
Me: 28 MH:35
Married September 2012. TTC since September 2013
June 2014 - Dx w/ significant PCOS and referred to RE.
July/August 2014 - Testing complete: Testosterone & AMH very high, FSH slightly high, Vitamin D low, tubes and lining all lovely. DH SA: A+
Cycle 1 (Nov 2014): 2.5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI = BFN
Cycle 2 (Dec 2014): 5 mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
Cycle 3 (Jan 2015): 5mg Letrozole/Ovidrel/TI - BFN
WTF consult scheduled for 1/29
I know that personally, I try not to let myself picture a future with an actual little person in it. It's just too hard. DH, on the otherhand, is all about the theoretical child and imagining fun things. I guess his optimism hopefully cancels out my realism (I don't like to think I'm pessimistic).
I know what you mean, but I think part of those feelings is you protecting yourself. It's hard to think of the sweet little baby, look at baby clothes and mentally decorate a nursery. In some ways it's easier to just focus on the treatment, and put all of those others feelings off until you are actually pregnant.
IMO I think that once you are successful you will allow your self to start acting like a normal expectant mom and dream of your sweet little baby all day long.
TTC #1 January 2009
January 2010 SA results: Count 16 million, Motility 40%, Morphology 2%
January 2010- Surprise BFP! DS born 10/1/2010
January 2013 TTC #2
September 2013 Repeat SA: Count= 1.7 million, Motility= 24%, Morphology= 2%
November 6th 1st Appointment with RE: diagnosed with severe MFI
Testing to try to determine a cause & possible treatment for MFI
CD 3 blood work for me. RE does not want to repeat my HSG/lap at this point,
but may want to before moving forward with any fertility treatments.
After seeing the uro, DH is currently taking lots of supplements and clomid to try to boost his count. We will have a repeat SA in February to see if it works.
Follow up SA numbers are: Count= 4 million, Motility= 40%, Morphology= 1%
Uro wants us to have another follow up SA 5/9 to see if we see further improvement than we are back to the RE to make a game plan.
SA 5/9/2014 Count: 12 Million, Motility: 60%, and Morphology 2%. We will be doing iui #1 in late June
IUI #1 6/28 clomid + ovidrel, post wash count 3 million total sperm= BFN
IUI # 2 7/21 clomid+ ovidrel. post wash count 900,000 total sperm= BFN
IVF planned for early November- cancelled due to cyst
December IVF #1- 22 eggs, 20 mature,16 fertilized
12/9 Transferred 1 4AA Blast, 6 frosties
*****Everyone is welcome******
With that said, time is on our side. If/when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, we have 9 whole months to change our mindset.
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TTC #1 since June 2012
Current Status: IVF with ICSI and PGS
Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good HSG = All Clear
BFP #1 12.30.2012 || Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013 || D&C 02.11.2013
BFP #2 09.10.2013 || c/p 09.12.2013
BFP #3 12.1.2013 || mm/c 01.15.14 || D&C 01.21.14 chromosome abnormality
May 2014: Residual HCG and retained tissue found
05.13.2014: Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
June 2014: Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
May - Aug 2014: TTA for monitoring and testing
08.21.2014: Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
Sept/Oct: IUI #1 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
Oct/Nov: IUI #2 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
Nov/Dec: IUI #3 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
My Ovulation Chart || *~*~All AL Welcome~*~* || DIY Blog
PCOS | Anovulatory | Metformin + Letrozole