How did you decide?

willy_gert

How did you decide enough was enough?

DH and I have been having a lot of issues for a while, but things have been incredibly magnified since he got sick.  He is unwilling to truly care for himself and has put the burden of our finances, our child, our home, and him all on me.  I literally do everything, plus work 40+ hours per week.  I have tried talking with him, fighting with him, suggested counseling, looked into counseling, cried, screamed, and begged and yet we are in the exact same place we were in. 

I don't know when to just finally be done.  I am so scared to make that decision, but I am also so tired of being disappointed and angry.  

So, can any of you tell me how you decided you were done and enough was enough?

20thirteen

BD dumped me when I was 2.5 mo pregnant.  I knew my LO would break us up, but I tried to make it work for the whole month that we were together after we found out.  I may not be the best for advice on this front.

However, I like to at least try to help.

So, you say your husband got sick.  What is his illness?  Is it terminal?  When did you guys find out about it?  When you bring up counseling to your husband, what is his reaction?  You say that he has put the burden of the finances on you, does he no longer work?

I truly believe in trying to make things work, but if my partner is unwilling to work with  me, then I will walk away.  It's definitely not fair for you to do 150% of everything (I believe relationships are not 50/50 but 100/100).

willy_gert

20thirteen said:

BD dumped me when I was 2.5 mo pregnant.  I knew my LO would break us up, but I tried to make it work for the whole month that we were together after we found out.  I may not be the best for advice on this front.

However, I like to at least try to help.

So, you say your husband got sick.  What is his illness?  Is it terminal?  When did you guys find out about it?  When you bring up counseling to your husband, what is his reaction?  You say that he has put the burden of the finances on you, does he no longer work?

I truly believe in trying to make things work, but if my partner is unwilling to work with  me, then I will walk away.  It's definitely not fair for you to do 150% of everything (I believe relationships are not 50/50 but 100/100).

DH was diagnosed with kidney failure 13 months ago.  This is technically a terminal disease,  but he is on dialysis and is working towards getting a transplant.  

When I mention counseling to DH he says, "Oh yeah, we should do that, but it only goes that far.  We cannot afford it on our own, but the dialysis center has offered  multiple times to assist us in any way they can and mentioned that they have the ability or funds to send us to counseling if that ever became needed.  Unfortunately, he has to ask, it isn't something I can ask for on his behalf.

The burden of our finances are on me because DH just spends and spends money despite me telling him that we cannot afford for him to do so, offering other options, like play cash, etc.  I am then the one who has to gravel and beg with anyone and everyone to swing things so that our bills actually get paid.  He is working full time as am I, but beyond work and bitching about his dialysis treatments, I don't get any help around the house or with our daughter until I have a complete breakdown and cry, scream, and beg for him to help, to love me, to just try in life.

I feel like I am so close to the proverbial edge that the rocks are slipping away beneath my feet.  I just don't know when to make that decision.....  Ugh sorry, I don't even know you guys, I just hoped that someone here might have a great answer for me....  

MinnesotaMomma91

The advice i would give is to leave. Hes a sinking ship and all your doing by staying is letting him pull you under also.

Ultimatley it is your choice. And only you can make it. But id say get out, find support, get stable again. Just live and be happy.

EmeraldCity84

Ultimatum. Counseling or leave. 

20thirteen

willy_gert said:

When I mention counseling to DH he says, "Oh yeah, we should do that, but it only goes that far.  We cannot afford it on our own, but the dialysis center has offered  multiple times to assist us in any way they can and mentioned that they have the ability or funds to send us to counseling if that ever became needed.  Unfortunately, he has to ask, it isn't something I can ask for on his behalf.

The burden of our finances are on me because DH just spends and spends money despite me telling him that we cannot afford for him to do so, offering other options, like play cash, etc.  I am then the one who has to gravel and beg with anyone and everyone to swing things so that our bills actually get paid.  He is working full time as am I, but beyond work and bitching about his dialysis treatments, I don't get any help around the house or with our daughter until I have a complete breakdown and cry, scream, and beg for him to help, to love me, to just try in life.

I agree with EmeraldCity on this but in the sense that you give him the ultimatum and, if he agrees to it, go with him to the dialysis center to prod him.  It may be that he feels embarrassed to ask or to take that offer.  Some men find it extremely difficult to ask for help because it makes them feel like less of a man, you know what I mean?  He might feel like asking for help or taking the offer of help from the center as a sign of weakness on his part, which (to me, anyway) explains the way he’s been behaving. 

Also, the finances… do you have a joint bank account?  I would set up two bank accounts, one for bills and essentials and one for spending on “fun stuff”.  And only give him access to the “fun” account.  If he complains that there isn’t enough money, then you’ll probably have to find a way to tell him that he is not financially responsible and that is sole reason why he is not able to touch the “bills” account (which, presumably, should have more money in it).  My brother takes care of my dad’s finances and this is how he handles my dad’s money.  It makes my dad angry when he can’t buy something he wants, but in the end, he’s happy his mortgage is getting paid and he still has a place to live.

Now, for the living/child situation, has he always been an involved husband/father up until his diagnosis?  Or has he always been a little bit of a deadweight and now he’s just really taking advantage of it? If his behavior changed completely because of the diagnosis, I think it’s because of the weakness thing.  If his behavior is just a little more of an extreme version of how he was before then you have another issue.  Both of which could be helped by counseling.  How is your LO taking this, btw?  Does she act out because your husband isn’t attentive?  Or, if he shows her attention, does she try to run to you?

jellybean529

I guess mine is going to be the unpopular opinion...but given that he has a terminal illness (barring a transplant) he is probably under significant mental stress and as long as he will commit to counseling, I would stick it out with him, unless he was inattentive and irresponsible prior to diagnosis. I say this because a few years ago I went through a pretty significant illness and it was all I could do just to get myself out of bed in the morning. And my STBXH pretty much abandoned me emotionally during that time. 

If I were in your situation, I'd take the lead and go through the dialysis center to get the two of you set up with counseling instead of waiting on him to take the initiative. I also like the idea that @20thirteen proposed for taking charge of the finances. 

Best of luck to you

And to answer your question -- my decision was pretty much made for me when my STBXH decided he preferred the company of other women to me.

tig594

A lot of very good advice here from PP's.  For me, I had to put my foot down when I finally realized BD wasn't going to stop drinking/doing what he pleased/harassing me  until I cut the cord.  All of us have different situations so it's sometimes hard to put ourselves in each other's shoes. 

Your husband's financial irresponsibility really bugs me.  Was he like that before he got sick?  Did he help you more before he got sick?  I guess at this point it may not really matter.  If I were you I'd also give him the ultimatum of counseling or separation.   If he weren't terminal I'd probably just say fuck it at this point and hit the road.  Don't forget your child see your current way of life as normal.

Btw, your DD is freakin' adorable!  I love her hair!!

Good luck to you. 

jellybean529

Oh my gosh I missed your siggy pic the first time around. Your DD is beautiful! She looks like a tiny baby Elsa!

willy_gert

Thanks ladies!  I would love to work it out with him but I just feel like I could be feeling like that for a long time.  Things weren't perfect before he got sick, but his illness has definitely magnified everything and I feel like a lot of times he is taking advantage of his illness.  Ugh.

Thank you again, I truly appreciate your input!  

acbarbour

I would say to you to stick it out.  He is facing death everyday and may not mentally be able to cope well with that.  He has also lost the ability to make basic decision about very primary things such as what or how much to eat and drink.  It very hard to feel in himself like a man without being able to make decision about his own life and with you "nagging" him about bills and money its just one more thing he "can't" do.  He may be spending just to have some control over something and lash out because of the way he is feeling.

 My Uncle was and one of the guys in my Bible Study is on Dialysis and watching them and hearing the stories from the wives is very sad.  Because you are the one pushing for care for him he may stop all together if you leave.  My uncle passed away as a result of poor choices and depression related to his diagnoses after his GF left him as she was the one pushing him to appointments, monitoring his food and general wellness. 

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better but push for counseling so he will at the very least have a support system and some coping techniques if you need to leave.  I do not recommend staying if the situation becomes toxic or abusive in any way.  But I think this is the better or worse, sickness and health part of the vows.  I repeat leave if it becomes dangerous to you or your DD but know that he is dealing with a lot.  Go with him to Dialysis center and ask for help.  You can do all the talking with him standing there, fill out the paperwork have him sign and you submit it.  Hopefully, he makes some friends in dialysis soon that will help him as well.  Best of Luck to you. 

ST3WD

I don't have any personal experience with this, but I do have a question: do you always ask for couple's counseling if it's available? Do you insist that you have to go as well?

As PPs have mentioned, he sounds very depressed and in the midst of facing his mortality. It isn't easy on anyone. If he IS feeling embarrassed or ashamed to show weakness, he may not even want to show it in front of his wife. (i.e. He's supposed to be the strong man.) You could always articulate you wouldn't mind if he wants to go alone so he can "open up more". Sometimes people need to hear it before they'll go because they think they'll be judged.

I do hope you're able to see some improvement soon! GL!