My stupid dh-vent alert

Mustardseed2007

I'm so mad. SO mad. 

So my 7 month old dd has torticollis. For this we have to take her to therapy once per week. A long while ago we set up a schedule where dh and I tried to alternate days for taking her to therapy. I it it on my office's common calendar so everyone knows when I'm going to be late. On my days I know I tend to get to work about 2 hours late. For dh it may be even later, like 2.5 hours. It's an inconvenience for us both but we are making it work. Therapy is Wednesdays (as in tomorrow). 

Last week, all week long ds was out with hfmd. My dh took off 2.5 days with him and I took off 1.5 days. This evening (after I get home from working late) dh says he needs me to take dd to pt TOMORROW MORNING bc he took so much time off work last week. Really annoyed I tell him, look, I need you to tell me this stuff more than the night before. Tell me WHILE I'm at work at least. We are in the middle of a big project. My boss is expecting to come in first thing and go over the stuff I was working late to finish. 

He seriously IMMEDIATELY starts talking over me, telling me how it will be fine. How my office will adjust. He's simply not listening to me. 

Finally I tell him I'll handle it. I call my parents and make arrangements for my dad to meet me at the therapy center so I can save drive time by at least being able to go straight to work after her appointment rather than driving to daycare first.

After I set all that up and I'm off the phone dh tells me he texted a coworker to cover for him in the am so I should call my dad and cancel. At first I tell him no, you asked, I have arrangements I have it. HE CALLS MY DAD just now and cancels. 

I'm at a total loss. He's actually being so unreasonable that I'm wondering if I'm somehow missing something. But I'm not right? He's just being stupid. But it's so stupid  I think he ought to know it. UGH!!!!!

I guess I ought to be like -whatever, this Is easier for me anyway. But I'm now just distracted by him being an uncharacteristically unreasonable idiot. 

Mustardseed2007

We'll I've cooled off a little from the 30 minutes ago - lol.

I would say he is helping me, in that now he's handling the appointment, but I think he is doing it with a 'tude of: I asked you for help, wife, and you wouldn't help me so I'm going to do it myself. (And oh by the way, that makes me, your dh, a saint and you, my wife, unappreciative)....the parenthetical May or may not be me projecting.

2chatter

DH here is chronically trying to change plans last minute. Down to "where are we going for dinner again?" when we just decided 10 minutes prior. He asks questions, "who is taking DS to the dr. today?" when he knows it is his responsibility. He seriously tries to see if I will cave and "save him". And same as you - when I do juggle things for him, he swoops in and "takes care of it" so I am not "stressed out". No amount of discussion has changed this pattern - so I have had to accept it and have learned not to stress. He freaks out, says he cannot do things after fishing to see if I will jump in, settles down and does them.

Not sure if you see this happening when things get stressful in your world, but learning that it's just part of DH's processing of stress helped me a ton.

Mustardseed2007

@socialmediamommy this is EXACTLY what is going on. And really, telling me the day before the appointment while I'm still at work is still last minute, but it's better than telling me at 9pm the night before!

@wife07mom09 you know I bet I'll have him help me out in the future. It's never occurred to me before to have him help with the drive or anything until yesterday. He didn't mind doing it at all so it may be something we do.

I did talk to DH this AM and he was accusing me of making an "elaborate speech", which he says was his impetus to take over. That is total BS. I couldn't even get a full sentence out, which I told him. I felt kind of like Bill Cosby though - "I was NOT making an elaborate speech, when I'm making an elaborate speech you're going to KNOW I'm making an elaborate speech."  

Whatever, she got to therapy I got to work. We're all good.

 

Beevol

It sounds like you and your DH could maybe use a bit of a communication/expectations tune up. 

I'm glad you guys got it handled. 

He was totally out of line for dumping a schedule change request (and phrasing it as a demand) at the last minute. Then it sounds like your communication broke down further when he was talking over you and you were getting (rightfully) pissed at him. 

Who takes the kid to the doctor and who stays home with the kid when he is sick is beside the point, IMO. Your DH respecting your work and keeping you in the loop regarding his work (if he's going to get fired or passed over for a promotion or something because of this, you probably need to know that), not to mention the break down of communication and team work in a crisis, are bigger deals from my perspective. 

If you can, it might be worth it for the two of you to talk through your communication patterns - the "big speech" accusation seems like a pretty big yellow flag that you two aren't on the same page. 

AZ123

I don't know if this helps, but when DH and I had kids we decided which person's job was most important to the family. We concluded it was DH and so because of that, I'm the one that takes off the days of work for sick days, comes in late when need be, etc.  It has sort of helped to designate who the default parent is.  More burden on me but then DH's job isn't at risk as it would be if we were splitting or he was doing all the duties.

Mustardseed2007

AZ123 said:

I don't know if this helps, but when DH and I had kids we decided which person's job was most important to the family. We concluded it was DH and so because of that, I'm the one that takes off the days of work for sick days, comes in late when need be, etc.  It has sort of helped to designate who the default parent is.  More burden on me but then DH's job isn't at risk as it would be if we were splitting or he was doing all the duties.

Well for what it's worth, my job is the most important to the family since I'm the main bread winner. But really my job tends to be more flexible than his b/c I'm higher up than he is and work in a different environment. We both can make things happen, though, with enough notice.