How is your SO "dealing"?

ticktock0903

I realize that everyone grieves differently. I am torn up about my loss, however, my SO doesn't seem to be bothered. She is back to laughs and giggles, playing video games and she never mentions the baby like he never existed. He is never out of my mind and if I happen to feel better for a little while and then out of the blue feel bad again, she seems exasperated like I should be over it or at least not bring it up but I mean how can I not. Before we lost him, my every decision was based off of my pregnancy and now that's just all gone. I feel like I have to keep my pain to myself which is only making it worse. How do your SO deal with this and how do you come together in this horrible time?

xraychick01

Mine was upset we lost it but he definitely wasn't as upset as me. I think it's more difficult when you are the one carrying the baby. You have symptoms and hormones etc. When you aren't the one to experience those things I think it's "easier" to move on. That and the fact that the loss was early on... at least for us. I didn't make it to my first ultrasound so we never saw our baby or heard its heart beat. I was way more torn up about it than he was and I don't think he really understood why. That's been my experience. This was my first pg. I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you tried sitting down and having a heart to heart with your SO?

puppetonastring

My husband did not want to believe that I was having a miscarriage. He tried to remain positive through it saying that until a doctor confirmed it that it could just be breakthrough bleeding. After we had confirmation, he had a very hard time accepting it. He distracts himself with work and knows I'm having a rough time, so he tries not to show he's upset, but he's having a difficult time. He can see that I'm feeling very numb and tries to get me up and comes up with things for us to do together. It was our first pregnancy also. Maybe your SO is just trying to distract herself? I'm not sure But I would definitely discuss it with her and talk about it so you can both be there for one another. Maybe spend some quality time together also. It's definitely rough for those of us who were carrying the baby, no matter how long or short we were. It was our body and I think it's different for our partners to understand that unfortunately. 

jms0915

The first night we found out that there was no heartbeat I looked over and saw my husband with tears in his eyes. The days following that, he was very quiet, not seeming like he wanted to talk about it very much. The day the m/c started my husband again had tears in his eyes realizing what was happening and hating to see me in that pain. A few days after that I confronted him and told him I wanted him to talk to me, I didn't want him to be to himself about it, I wanted to know what he was feeling so we could cope together. He said he was afraid to talk to me about how he was feeling because I was both physically and emotionally having to deal with the m/c. After we talked, we definitely both felt better knowing how each other was feeling. Maybe just tell your SO the best way for you to continue to cope is to know how she's feeling and hopefully that will bring you guys together during this time. I hope you guys come together soon!

lycih

I think he's actually taking this one harder than the first one, because I think he believed that since we'd had a successful pregnancy, we wouldn't miscarry again.  So, now I think he's feeling a lot more "vulnerable" in the grand scheme of things again.  

Kath1083

I would go a head and talk to you SO.  I was really annoyed at my husband because I thought he was not being sympathetic.  After I asked him about it, he told me he has been very sad but didn't want to get upset in front of me and stated he wanted to be my "rock".  I still don't think he was quite as affected as I was however, I believe we all deal with this in different ways.  

LilLizzy1487

My SO is very much the type to try and not cry or show too much emotion. It was just how he was raised. Men don't have emotions.  It bothers me.  I think it's unhealthy. 

I was having a really hard time yesterday and I went to him about it because it just felt like my emotions were getting worse and worse and he told me he was upset about it too.  He thinks it's his fault because he had a pregnancy with another woman when he was young and she miscarried also. Those were the only two pregnancies in his entire life and we both miscarried.  I understand how he may feel this way but his reaction to me coming to him was pretty cold and upsetting. 

He just said, "I can't do anything about it, I'm hurting too" and when I asked him for a hug, he didn't hug back at first and could barely touch me.  That was even more upsetting for me.  I think he felt bad later but it doesn't matter.  He just doesn't get it.  And I know he's hurting about it but I don't have the emotional strength to try to make him feel better about this when I can barely get out of bed and don't have anyone other than you ladies to talk to.  I think it will be a long, hard road for the both of us.  It kind of scares me.

LilLizzy1487

Oh, and while I was pregnant I was doing really well with quitting smoking.  Quitting wasn't bothering me at all and now, I'm having a rough time.  I can't deal with trying to conquer an addiction and go through all this at the same time but when I do smoke at all it makes me feel like an even bigger failure. 

Nikolie93

@LilLizzy1487‌ *hug* I can't imagine how hard it was when he didn't hug you back.

Men are so different than us when it comes to how they handle things. I often feel like he doesn't care as much as me but I just have to realize that he's dealing with it in his own way. He finally broke down the other day when he got frustrated at work and he called me. I hated hearing him so upset but I'm glad he let it go a bit. He ended up telling me that he wanted to be strong for me and he felt to support me he had to stay positive. He thought his struggles would bring me down further. He has no idea I need him to grieve with me

@ticktock0903‌ have you been able to sit down and talk to her yet? I know that it's a hard discussion but communication is so very important, especially when it deals with a loss. I hope things are better with you now.