7 weeks pregnant and my fiance is going through a divorce

mimimimimiiii

Just found out that I'm pregnant. My fiance is waiting on the divorce to be finalized. Recently the ex of him found out that I'm pregnant and we had a wedding ceremony in September, nothing related to the legal stuff. We are still waiting for his divorce to get married again. She said she will press charges on him to get kicked out navy and jail time. Will he really get in trouble even they are legally separated and the divorce almost finalize? What is gonna happene? I'm so worry about him. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you xx

smartpony

Well, adultery is a punishable offense in the military. I don't know what to say to you other than you should have perhaps waited until he was divorced to take up with him?

chaysefaith

So he's married to you and his ex still?

amelyse39

Yikes, you dont mess around with stuff like that when it comes to the military.

divinemsbee

No that I know if it matters at this point, but you say they are separated now, were they separated when you met him? I get that sometimes people are separated for long periods of time and sometimes start relationships during that separation (most of the time when I've seen that happen both parties were moving on and the divorce wasn't as contested), but, the military regulations combined with a STBXW who obviously was not going to be okay with this, you guys done screwed up real good. The fact that you went ahead and had a commitment ceremony while he was still married shows very very poor judgement. In some states, and probably to the military as well, it doesn't matter if you didn't have a legal wedding, that's bigamy. For just the adultery, he might, might, not have been booted out altogether, but you guys have given the wife and the US Navy entirely too much evidence now. His poor judgement even before the ceremony would probably have lead at least to a loss of rank if not more.

I don't know who would be best for him to talk to, does he already have a lawyer who is familiar with military law/regs? Your very best hope here is that she's just going to use this for an increase in alimony or child support if they have children together. In that case she'll probably want him to keep his job. But if she's just going for blood here, you're probably pretty screwed.

normandyn7

I agree with what everyone else said. It's time to consult with a lawyer.

protip

Pro Tip: Always wear a condom while sleeping with someone who is married. 

divinemsbee

LittleBunnyFuFu said:

divinemsbee said:

No that I know if it matters at this point, but you say they are separated now, were they separated when you met him? I get that sometimes people are separated for long periods of time and sometimes start relationships during that separation (most of the time when I've seen that happen both parties were moving on and the divorce wasn't as contested), but, the military regulations combined with a STBXW who obviously was not going to be okay with this, you guys done screwed up real good. The fact that you went ahead and had a commitment ceremony while he was still married shows very very poor judgement. In some states, and probably to the military as well, it doesn't matter if you didn't have a legal wedding, that's bigamy. For just the adultery, he might, might, not have been booted out altogether, but you guys have given the wife and the US Navy entirely too much evidence now. His poor judgement even before the ceremony would probably have lead at least to a loss of rank if not more.

I don't know who would be best for him to talk to, does he already have a lawyer who is familiar with military law/regs? Your very best hope here is that she's just going to use this for an increase in alimony or child support if they have children together. In that case she'll probably want him to keep his job. But if she's just going for blood here, you're probably pretty screwed.

No. If the ceremony is not legally binding, it does not matter in the eyes of anyone except for them. Many same sex couples used to have commitment ceremonies before it was possible for their marriages to be recognized anywhere.

And honestly, if they were legally separated and in the process of divorcing, the military has more important shit to worry about.

True that they have more important things to worry about, and also true that I don't know how his command will handle it.

The reason I said the bolded, though, is because I know that UT says that if you have a commitment ceremony, even if it isn't legally binding, and you are married to someone else, they can prosecute you for bigamy even if it is a 'spiritual marriage.' That's why that Kody dude from Sister Wives had to move his family out of UT once the show got on the air and got popular. They were going to (or maybe did) indict him for bigamy.

However, I don't know of anywhere outside of UT that has this law (since in UT it's a holdover from them getting rid of polygamy specifically) and I now know that the feds probably wouldn't care about it.

sammi2884

I think people are being a little harsh and perhaps there isn't enough info from OP (how long have they been separated?) I am someone who was married for 7 years and was cheated on and he got her pregnant. We are still working on our divorce and have been for 3 years as we are fighting about custody and child support issues. I am in a relationship now for a year and a half. He has been in one for over 3 years. We don't hate each other. Why make it complicated and make peoples lives miserable by pressing charges and potentially having him lose his job. What a waste of energy on a relationship that is over. The military should have much better things to worry about. I suppose they're trying to discourage cheating and giving them a bad name but really...it's going to happen anyways.

Sounds like he needs to gauge how his CO will react. Is his base on a witch hunt at the moment? If so I agree with the comment of lawyering up as it sounds like she wants this to be difficult.

mimimimimiiii

Sorry for the lack of information. But him and his ex separated for 2 years because she was cheating on him while he was on his deployment and he has evidence on that. So they are suing each other and fighting for the custody and child support. She is Japanese and she is leaving there right now. Him and I met 8 months ago. And he divorce should be finalized next month after all of these drama. We are living in Hawaii, so our ceremony basically is more like a photo shoot than a commitment ceremony, we got no marriage license neither certification proofs that we are "married". We are waiting for his divorce decree to come out. And this problem just all of the sudden popped up.

Alygohome

mimimimimiiii said:

Sorry for the lack of information. But him and his ex separated for 2 years because she was cheating on him while he was on his deployment and he has evidence on that. So they are suing each other and fighting for the custody and child support. She is Japanese and she is leaving there right now. Him and I met 8 months ago. And he divorce should be finalized next month after all of these drama. We are living in Hawaii, so our ceremony basically is more like a photo shoot than a commitment ceremony, we got no marriage license neither certification proofs that we are "married". We are waiting for his divorce decree to come out. And this problem just all of the sudden popped up.

Wait wait, you have known this guy for 8 months, you are having a baby and "marrying him" while he is still married and going through a complicated divorce?

And you had a pretty princess party complete with the pictures so it looked like a wedding?

This post is a whole lotta crazy.

My advice. Don't actually get married until you know this guy.

amelyse39

https://www.marinecorpstimes.com/article/20120105/BENEFITS08/201050305/Ask-Lawyer-Even-legal-separation-can-lead-adultery-conviction

SnatchMonkey

cinnabunintheoven said:

People keep saying the military has more important things to worry about... their own people are one of the things they worry about (very important) and things like dui, addictions, depression, wreckless behavior and even adultry are a concern for them. It may be difficult for people not involved in the military to understand but the act of adultry is a violation of a code that they take VERY seriously (as it should be) because the military actually has standards. Also not everyone in the military "takes a bullet" or even comes near it and serving your country doesn't give you the right to do whatever the hell you want free of consequence. An example situation, a man was caught getting oral sex from one of his shipmates and he was forced to call and explain to his wife why he received an immediate demotion while pending discharge. Now, of course the military requires some pretty solid proof before they take action but a baby in the belly is basically a smoking gun. HOWEVER if what he's told you is true and they've been separated for two years bc she cheated and he has PROOF then it should've been settled a long time ago. I hope for your sake he's being honest with you about everything and that this crap blows over ASAP bc you need to be focused on yourself and your baby not his drama with another woman.

LOL. You clearly have never been through a divorce, especially in a no fault state.

And I'm laughing at the rest of your rambling because it's absurd and clear you have no idea what you are talking about. At times they use it to thin the herd when they need to cut numbers and are looking for any excuse to discharge someone (which is going on in some branches and units at this time). And if you can't tell the difference between getting caught in a sexual act with another service member while on duty and a relationship with a non servicemember during your off time, there's not a lot anyone can do to help you.


PS- there is an "e" in adultery.

niknak1208

Yikes. 

That is all. 

SnatchMonkey

LOL at rumors. Bless your heart. Keep on keepin' on. My husband who has enough years in to retire will get a good laugh out of your posts. If you don't think they use any and every excuse to kick people out when they are over manpower and getting their budget cut, you are beyond ignorant.

magentawarped

Considering that the military is looking for any excuse to kick people out right now, I'm going with, "Congratulations, you're fucked."

FemShep

One thing to keep in mind is that for members who hold a security clearance, adultery is actually treated very seriously, without exception. The reasoning is that the adultery could potentially open you up to blackmail and jeopardize the information you have access to. Also, I have to agree with the PP who said, "yikes". The mind boggles at the bad decisions in this thread.

Manateearmz

LittleBunnyFuFu said:

Avswolf said:

Wait a minute,,.....the trolls from BC said something about starting a thread like this.

Shocking.



I don't think this is the work of BC.

Tip: don't tie your TB name with other personal accounts. Google finds you.

Trampslikeus

So actually the now spouse of one of my inlaws was dishonorably discharged from a low ranking army post for adultery. And what had been a no-fault divorce became a divorce due to adultery. He'll be paying spousal support until the cows come home. The ex is living with a new guy, but is obviously in no rush to get married since she's getting extra income.

No judgement here, but that's a very very messy situation you got yourself in to, OP. Hope your boyfriend has a good lawyer.

SnatchMonkey

KasaundraR said:

Oh brother all you people think you know what it's like to be a military spouse. That's cute The military takes things like this seriously. The don't just make some bullshit laws and not go through with them. " They have more important things to do " uhm. Hello. If you were in the military life you would know every rule no matter how small is strictly in forced. Get yo shit together OP because you are screwed.

LOL. Ok 19 year old that knows everything. My husband has been in longer than you have been alive, but ok.

housewifebecomesher

The only thing I have to add to this conversation is that adultery is alive and well in the military, and that it does have effects outside of the people involved.  When I worked for the military in Public Affairs, we had at least one case annually where someone was killed because of a domestic dispute involving cheating.  The military views its people as assets, right or wrong, so it's a huge expense to lose an "asset," whether it be in battle or to a domestic dispute gone violent.  Not to mention all of the wasted time and effort of OTHER people dealing with the issues that arise out of it.  Innocent people can get hurt or killed, and I would say that issue is of interest to an organization that is looked at closely by the government regulatory agencies for all types of sexual and violent crimes.

I agree with PP's, in that OP, you may not have been trying to hurt anyone and there may be special circumstances, but if your baby's father has been in the military long enough to understand anything, it is that special circumstances don't hold much water.  Especially when it comes to the UCMJ.  So, you'll both just have to deal with the consequences of your actions.  I'd start thinking about a Plan B if he gets kicked out.  Were you expecting to get support for your actions here?  Just wondering.  We all make mistakes but if you read around TB, posts like this don't usually result in the type of support you seem to be looking for.

SnatchMonkey

magentawarped said:

Considering that the military is looking for any excuse to kick people out right now, I'm going with, "Congratulations, you're fucked."

This is very dependent on branch and unit. Some of them went a little overboard with it and are swinging back the other way.

My question for the OP would be if he has talked to his higher ups at all. Getting blindsided by threats/statements from a vengeful ex will likely get treated a bit differently than if he has talked with those immediately above him and sought their advice on how to deal with what all is going on and how it can affect him.

SnatchMonkey

AFwifelife said:

KasaundraR said:

Oh brother all you people think you know what it's like to be a military spouse. That's cute The military takes things like this seriously. The don't just make some bullshit laws and not go through with them. " They have more important things to do " uhm. Hello. If you were in the military life you would know every rule no matter how small is strictly in forced. Get yo shit together OP because you are screwed.

LOL sure.  Your newness to the military is showing.

I hope they don't find out about the sodomy that happened in our house prior to the rule getting changed in 2012. They might in force it.

SnatchMonkey

loislayn said:

Sometimes when I don't use lube, I have to in force it.

I hate when that happens. Such a pain in the ass.

Unburnt

This sounds so trashy.

Duggan11

It's honestly a coin toss and greatly depends on the rest of the situation.

There can be consequences. Slap on the wrist to Article 15 up to chaptering.

Though there are resources that your fiancé can use to find out what could happen and what the best course of action is. I would recommend seeking those out rather than asking here. Not saying that these women don't know what they are talking about but not every situation is the same and the actions taken by the military for breaking these types of laws is not always the same. More of a case by case type thing.

Amstreagle

So is this his second baby with you and are you currently getting divorced as well......
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12328785/period-4-days-late-and-negative-tests#latest

jovencita1224

I haven't seen many people kicked out of the military, per se, for having an affair, but I HAVE seen many people disciplined by reduction in rank, fines, and generally screwing over of their career.  Typically if someone is removed from the military for an adultery charge, there is more to it than just that, but in this environment of wanting to reduce staffing, this would be the WORST time to get in trouble in the military.  With any luck, it would be an administrative discharge, but you can't erase the UCMJ record, which shows up just like any criminal records check.  It can certainly affect future employment, especially in civilian jobs that require a security clearance. 

So while you may "think" the military has better things to go after, sometimes they do not and will be very aggressive in going after someone for adultery.  Sometimes they let it slide.  There are so many circumstances that would make them go one way or the other, it is impossible to predict how this guy will fare.  I would prepare for the worst, and would definitely be seeking out some guidance if I was him. It is not a situation I would want to be in OP, that is for sure.

Manateearmz

ajzmommy said:

loislayn said:

Who is leyla? Did you recently have another kid?

I was wondering the same thing.. Eithier way this child is like 2

She says they met 8 months ago, so it must be from another man?

[Deleted User]

Amstreagle said:

So is this his second baby with you and are you currently getting divorced as well......
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12328785/period-4-days-late-and-negative-tests#latest

No I think she is calling this guy her husband and ttc two months after they met  :-?

TeeJ526

Amstreagle said:

So is this his second baby with you and are you currently getting divorced as well......
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12328785/period-4-days-late-and-negative-tests#latest

This deserves an emoticon. :-O

allrightmeow

kyliedaniellexx said:

PickleX said:

Amstreagle said:

So is this his second baby with you and are you currently getting divorced as well......
https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12328785/period-4-days-late-and-negative-tests#latest

No I think she is calling this guy her husband and ttc two months after they met  :-?

Seems to be. boyfriend 1 is baby daddy. Then her and boyfriend 2 split earlier this year, and boyfriend 3 (husband?) is now baby daddy #2... 

 This reminds me of one of those nightmare word problems from your 5th period Algebra class. 

PrimRoseMama

Holy shit lady-- get yourself together. $-)

Trampslikeus

In order to maintain some semblance of faith in the intelligence, classiness, and overall decency of the humans that my child will be sharing this earth with, I have convinced myself this is MUD.

Becks0143

First off, stop reading these nasty messages from people.  Shit happens and sometimes they may seem shitty, but they end up turning out to be the best things ever.  Take everything day by day and stay clear of the wife.  Worst thing you can do is insert yourself in their divorce.  Enjoy this time with your partner and let him take care of it.  Best wishes to you.  

Trampslikeus

^ LULZ. She's pregnant with his kid, how much more "inserted" in to their divorce could she be?

Also sleeping with a man you know is married does not fall under the category of "shit happens" - that's "shit you chose to step in"

PrimRoseMama

poohbearlove123 said:

What did LBFF do that is so bad to get banned? I don't understand.

I believe she outed herself as GM

It's hard to keep that awesome under wraps & the BG got her for ban dodging. That's my pure speculation though. :-??

eclacl2010

My husband and I have been separated for a year n one month waiting on our divorce to be finalized. He is in the army and just got charged with adultery and lying to senior officer and not living the army values. He is received an article 15. Lost of rank, extra duty, and will be done processing out within in ninety days. Military meaning any branch does not recognize legal separations.