Need to vent (sad) ::::suicide trigger:::::

beccaxbooxbear

So I need to get this out/talk about it with someone because I'm not handling it very well. I found out that my ex boyfriend committed suicide. I dated him right before dh. We were completely crazy in love with each other. I still don't feel like I ever felt so strongly about anyone else than I did with him. Obviously we had broken up but it was more because I was living at home, I was 18 and my parents hated our relationship. He was 6 years older than me and that freaked my family out. We tried a few times to get back together afterwards but it never worked out. He had custody battles for his son for a while and I didn't want to take get involved or mess anything up for him during that time. Then I met dh. We dated for a year then broke up for 9 months. During the break up my ex and I started talking and spending time together again. His ex moved a few states away with their son so there was a lot of drama and stress in his life because of that. So we didn't end up getting back together. I got back together with dh me then 2.5 years later we got married. I never really fully cut off communication with my ex. We would talk and catch up at times and I know that some may flame or call me stupid for staying in contact with someone I felt so strongly about but we were also such great friends so I didn't want to give that up. Dh knew about this stuff and he felt weird about it but he trusted me. My ex was feeling down for a while before he died because his son loved so far away, his relationships kept crapping out, he wanted a forever family but it never seemed to work out for him which is sad because he was such a sweetheart! I miss him so much. I'm hurting a lot because I know I can't see him anymore or talk to him. He really was the best. I hate that this happened. I feel so guilty and wish I had followed up more with him. I knew he was down but I never thought he would have done this. My heart hurts for his son and his family. I don't know what I'm looking for by writing this out but I can't keep it inside. My parents don't care because they never liked him, dh thinks it's sad but he doesn't want to talk about it because it's weird, so I don't know who to talk to. Thank you for listening.

UntaggableKatie

Very sorry to hear about this... Hugs and I hope you can find comfort in the happy memories

beccaxbooxbear

@ceeshellz my parents are very insensitive especially when it comes to mental illness. They don't understand it. They think that PPD isn't real, my bff and dh are bipolar and they think that it's just a label doctors put on people who weren't properly raised or lack self control or common sense. Their pretty ignorant with this stuff so it makes it even worse that they didn't like him.

mskatiep

I'm sorry for you loss. I have some ex's that I am still fond on, I can't imagine if something were to happen to them. I hope that you find some peace. I will keep you and his family in my T & P'S

Eboote

So sorry for your loss. Feel free to talk about it here where you feel comfortable! Mental illness is so very real praying you can find peace in this difficult time.

Kim22

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry

thelastunicornxo

I'm very sorry for your loss.

ecotime47

Wow. So sorry to hear that. Prayers for you today!

beccaxbooxbear

Thank you all for beig so wonderful. It truly is heartwarming to have such kindness shown. It's been very difficult especially since his mother didn't even have the courtesy to call me and tell me that it had happened. I had to find out thru a mutual friend. I found out a few weeks late so I didn't even get to go to the service. I had called/ texted him a few times after he died because I didn't know and I thought it was strange that he wasn't calling back. His mom blames me for his misery ever starting. She says I broke his heart when we broke up. So she didn't want me at the funeral. I never meant to hurt him! Things happen in relationships and you make mistakes when your young and impressionable. I have many regrets but I never regretted ever having him in my life. I miss him like crazy. @kellykinns I had a therapist coming to my house once a week until about 2/3 weeks ago when she moved to the south shore. She said she sent a referral to another counselor but I haven't heard anything.

88sharonlee

The whole situation sounds so sad, I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I'm glad you shared with us so we can offer some outlet and support.
Try not to let anyone else's negativity, ignorance or anger get to you, it's hard I'm sure, but it sounds like he truly valued you in his life as well since you stayed so close.
Stay strong and reach out, to us and others.

beccaxbooxbear

Thank you all! I feel that his mother is grieving and feels guilty for maybe missing signs or not being able to prevent it and feels that since him and I were so close that I should have caught on or prevented him somehow. She misses him as well I'm sure! As a parent I can't imagine losing my child so I definitely feel for her. I'm going to see if I can reach my therapist. I didn't have her personal number, just he office number she used to be at but maybe they have her new office number so I can reach her and figure something out faster. I have my own issues with suicide and so this is a major trigger for me as well and I get the constant mental struggles lately and all I want to do is drive to his gravesite and lay there. I know it sounds weird but that's what I keep feeling. I've never lost anyone this close to me. It's so hard to know which feelings are normal grief and which ones are not. I truly appreciate having an outlet. I've felt like a ticking timebomb the last week. I've got so much going on in my life that I feel so overwhelmed. My grandmother has leukemia, my father has lung tumors, I'm having heart and gallbladder issues, dh has been working nights etc etc etc. I'm sorry I'm babbling

ChantyPants477

So so very sorry for your loss, Becca. I hate that you aren't able to fully grieve IRL with the loved ones around you. @wedding06‌ makes a good point about getting ahead of the potential responses you may have. If you feel like you need to go to his graveside and stay a while, you should do exactly that and I hope you have the freedom to.

housewifehair

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Becca. I think you're doing the best thing by turning to your therapist. I can't imagine how you must feel and I hope you get comfort and strength to get through this difficult time.

mbafall09

So very sorry for your loss and all that you are dealing with.

kimmycup

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Princess_Lily

F*ck! That was pretty harsh of his mom - even so, that may have been said due to complete grief that her son is gone.
Maybe you were the one that got away, but circumstances in life led you both in different directions.

I feel terrible your going through this and in a way its like you guys broke up again, but without ever being able to make contact again. Im so sorry. You couldn't have saved him though, and don't put that on yourself! If you feel you need to go to his grave then do it. Get a blanket and sit with him, talk to him - heck, bring his favorite food and eat it in his honor - celebrate his life. With grief there is no right or wrong way to act, do what you feel is in your heart


I understand your DH too - its hard for him to probably hold and comfort you when this was one of the great loves of your life. But he needs to hold you because he's your DH.

I think someone to talk to like a therapist will help you make sense of this whole crappy situation without hurting your relationship with your husband.

beccaxbooxbear

@Princess_Lily‌ that's such a great idea! He was an amazing cook and he always surprised me with all kinds of meals and never failed to make me a great breakfast in the morning! He was a morning person and I really really wasn't so he always made sure I woke up with a smile. I think I will bring a blanket, make the first meal he ever made me, sit there with him and talk. I miss him so much and am dying to feel like I'm close to him again. I'll bring a camo blanket or wear a camo sweatshirt in his honor as well. He absolutely loved camo. He was an avid hunter/fisher and he had a lot of camo stuff. His favorite hing was when I wore his camo shirt. I need some closure so I think going will help me a lot.

mwhipple77

I'm so sorry for your loss Becca. If you need anyone to talk to, you know I'm here for you!

beccaxbooxbear

@mwhipple77‌ my phone has been funky but I might text you later

hologram87

I'm so sorry for your loss.   Several years ago (before DH) I had a boyfriend that committed suicide.  It was very difficult and I kept feeling like I missed signs and clues about it.  I felt very guilty about it but realized that it wasn't my fault and he had a lot of sadness that I couldn't help him with.   It's a very hard time and my thoughts are with you.  I don't post often, but I do have an idea what you are going through.  If you would like to PM me, I would be happy to talk!