Babies: 0 - 3 Months

NBR : The D word came up in an argument .

Before DS was born , DH and I never had an argument .  Since the baby has been born we have had arguments.   The first one was that DH wasn't helping out enough with the baby.  Now he helps out a lot and we haven't had any problems.  Now our biggest problem is DH going to family parties with me , he still won't go .   I told if I end up going by myself all the time why even be married .    That hurt him and he took it as though I was asking for a divorce.    He is great in every way ,  except he just won't budge for family events .   He says they make him uncomfortable and he'd rather not be uncomfortable and just rather not go .   It is uncomfortable for me to go by myself because I have to deal with my family asking me , where is Jason , How come he doesn't come to family parties ?   I see all the couples there and it makes me feel bad that my husband isn't there with me.   I am at a lost at what to do .   We have only been married for a year , this should not be a reason for a divorce .....

Re: NBR : The D word came up in an argument .

  • You need to rationally explain to him that these individuals are his family now too and that he will not get comfortable around them until he starts spending time with them. 

    You may also want to let him know that he is going to miss out on a lot of events in his son's life if he doesn't participate.  

  • I can see both sides. He is uncomfortable, but you are upset because he won't come with you. He needs to get over his issue with the family and you might want to let up a bit. Try saying he has to come for special occassions at first. Then ease in to other functions.

    Why is he so uncomfortable? Did he have a confrontation with a family member?

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  • If you don't mind me asking, why does he feel uncomfortable?  IMO, your DH should go with you because you are a family and sometimes you have to do things that your aren't exactly comfortable with.  He needs to suck it up and get over it!
  • I'm sorry this is becoming such a sore spot.  It seems like this is fairly common with guys.  There's a number of my friends who have husbands that hate going to family functions.  Do you tend to have a lot of family functions to go to?  Could you come to a compromise were he goes to some and can skip others?  How is he with his family?  I imagine you go to all his family functions.
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  • DS tries to pull this on me once in a while (not for big holidays, but for random get GTGs with my family).  he gets the death stare and usually drops it.  i've also dropped the "why are we even married" card at one point bc it was getting ridiculous (we see his family 10x more often than mine).

    i assume you've already had the heart to heart about how it hurts you that he won't go to family events?  it's not a reason for divorce, but in my book when you marry someone, his or her family is kinda a package deal. my BSC MIL annoys the everliving crap out of me, but i knew that by marrying her son, i was stuck with her until she keels over.  i still go to all of his family events, and i am very nice to his family (even though we both know that the vast majority of them are certifiably bonkers).  is it enjoyable?  not always.  but that's what you get when you get married.  does he have a reason to dislike going there or is it just a "i have no one to talk to besides you and DC" type thing? 

    it probably will be awkward for a little while, but eventually, he'll get used to it. IMHO, he has to -- family is not something i would negotiate (unless there was a darn good reason  -- we're talking abusive, dangerous situations).

    sorry so long, and GL! 

  • Relationships involve sacrifice and he needs to sacrifice on occasion to make you and your family, now his family, happy. DH and I have a rule that no one complains about going to the other family's events, no matter how buys we are.  We both prioritize family.
  • To answer all of your questions .   My husband grew up in a family that was disfunctional .   His parents got divorced when he was three yrs old .  Both his parents were heavy drinkers/partiers .  His mom remaried a mexican drug dealer and had two lil boys .   He has two step brothers who have been in and out of Jail for the remainder of their lives .  He grew up in a very bad environment ,  Thank god that he didn't follow his brothers paths.   

    Yes he had a confrontation with my sister .   They had an argument before we got married .  My husband and I were very upset with my sister and didn't apologized right away .   Because of this my sister took the issue to family, She told them everything and exacerated.   After all was said and done DH and I apologized and never argued with her again .  She was and has been welcomed in our home and treated with respect.   On my wedding day her bf , now fiance tried to start a fight with DH .   He bad mouth him to everyone who was sitting at the bar , and went up my DH and told him if he ever argued with my sister again he would have to deal with him.  Mind you this was 8 months after the whole confrontation.   We asked her to have her bf apologized for doing that , it wasn't right .   Her bf chose not too.   I said fine .  Even though we apologized and treated her with respect from that point on she continued to spread lies about my husband and bad mouth him to our family.   It's such a mess I don't know what to do .  Now my sister is getting married and I don't think DH will go with me to her wedding .   I really don't want to be there by myself .  Plus I am in the wedding .

  • It seems the ladies may have covered this, but the most important thing is finding out why he doesn't want to attend these functions (besides, he's uncomfortable). My DH (then BF) wouldn't go certain parties, because he was afraid to run into my parents and have to deal with the ol' sore spot they had with one another. Once we cleared the air and I understood where he was coming from and he knew where I was coming from, the problem sort of resolved itself.

    Now, he doesn't mind it too much and actually has fun with them. It's always hard in the heat of the moment, but try not using phrases like, "I might as well not be married", because they're just reactionary phrases that lead to bigger, uglier things. Get to the heart of the issue and you will feel way better for it.

     

  • I think that you should explain to your family that your sister has been an ass and that your DH will not be around people who blatantly disrespect him.  And you should take his side in this, and insist that the badmouthing stop, and that your sis apologize.  I would not be in the wedding of someone who didn't support my marriage and treated my DH like crap, but that's just me. 
  • My DH is the exact same way.  He will go to SOME family functions, i.e. Christmas, Thanksgiving and once in awhile he'll visit my parents with me. 

    But, he doesn't even like to go to his family's functions and he comes from a big family.  He has 4 siblings all with kids.  I go to alot of the kid's b-day parties without him. 

    I think he just grew up in an untraditional family (his mom left his Dad when he was a baby) and they were Jehovah's witnesses so they really didn't do holidays or b-day parties.  It upsets me some but I've come to accept that's just him and so I try not to argue with him over it.

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  • I may be in the minority here, but if this is your only big issue and he's great in every other way, I really think you should just drop it. Yes it sucks that you have to go alone, but is forcing him to go with you worth making him uncomfortable and causing problems in your marriage?

    The fact that the problem is likely the confrontation with your sister makes me lean even more towards just giving him this one. Like the pp said, if your family asks why he isn't there, tell them the truth - your sister was disrespectful and he is no longer comfortable being around them. Maybe after some time has passed (a few years?), it will be easier for him to make some compromises and show up for some of these things, but I would let him take the initiative there.

     

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  • I was originally going to post that my DH was the same way initially (I think becuase his family doesn't get together a lot like mine does) but he's come around over the years; we've been married 4+ now) but after reading your back story, I don't blame him for not attending if there have been multiple confrontations/fights in the past. Why would he want to attend the wedding of two people who obviously have no regard for him? If it's something like christmas dinner at your mom's and they get along, I would ask him to go, but if it's going to be a drama-filled hoilday with your sis, I don't blame him for wanting to opt out.
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