Poster formerly known as....

sleepswithbutterflies

BB. Not going to use names here. DD=IB

So a little advice.

Divorce is still going on. Back in August, we had a home visit. IB's preschool teacher informed me that IB would need to go to a different elementary school bc she will be in a special needs classroom. Obviously not the news we had expected. I let my ex know and he was very upset.

Now he says he wants to switch her school district to where he lives. His gf and lawyer say it is a great district and I hear that's true.....but I believe the SN kids are mainstreamed. They have the highest test scores in the state, however that means NIL as far as their services for SN children. He has shown such little involvement in all of this since it began, that I really think his limited understanding is making him want to avoid the "special needs" label. He's trying to rush potty training. Which IB has finally started ABA and I told him I would address yet again. Again, the psychologist reiterated that it was too soon to address it and we needed to work on her ability to cope with transition first. I have her print two copies of notes every week so he gets them too and she even made a note about it for him. It's like he thinks I'm doing all of this and IB isn't that delayed. I even got out the report from her teacher about where she stands developmentally. I highlighted where she is and where she should be. He just doesn't respond to my attempts to discuss it with him. And he's hostile. He brings a recorder everywhere with him, even to talk with the psychologist. It's becoming impossible to coparent with him.

So we have temp orders for joint custody but it isn't quite 50%. I have her four nights, he has her three. Until I'm a nurse and then we will modify to make it exactly 50%. I had them put in our temp orders that She would finish preschool in her current district so I have a year before he can make issue of this.

Her preschool teacher suggested a guardian ad litem which I plan to pursue that. Any advice otherwise? I feel like the team of people who care for her are behind me. But I really want him to get on board with this finally. And accept where she is in life.

ToastieSimons

I just want to focus in on what Auntie said about a very well performing school district.  I would contact their special services department and see if you can get more information.  It may be worthwhile to switch if they offer an OOD placement at an amazing facility.

We are in an amazing school district, one of the top performers in the state.  But, they send almost all of their special needs kids OOD.  DS1 is at an amazing private facility 

I don't know if you're anti his SD because you feel he lacks stability and could use it against you to get more time with I?  

Are you in counseling?  I'm glad you took a step back from the Parenting board and all their drama.  You need to focus on you and I for now.  How is I doing with handling the transition between yours and her dad's house? 

Personally, I wouldn't go the route of GAL unless you feel he is putting her into actual danger. The GAL isn't going to know I as well as you do and she may side with him if she thinks I isn't that impaired.  While a GAL would be an objective roles in this case she also wouldn't be fully involved one.  You can't make your STBXH accept it, that's part of his path through grief.  But it doesn't sound like he is actually refusing to be part of the plan just giving you lots of difficulty and whining.

I truly think you need to talk to someone who can give you an objective look at yours and his relationship.  

sleepswithbutterflies

His school district was one I had already looked into particularly around a year ago. They are very good but there is nothing so special about their special education. I don't want to take her out of a district she is doing well in unless they have a lot to offer. I'm trying to keep things consistent for her as much as possible. It isn't like I'm against it. I just think that decision would affect her negatively bc her life has already been torn in half.

There is one school district I'm interested in should I ever move who staff ABA trained professionals. And he's against it which makes no sense. He does lack stability and given his history, I guarantee he won't keep that apt and will move every year just like he's always done. But maybe I'm wrong.

HookBringsYouBack

Okay, so I have no idea why I was logged in on my phone under that older name.  This is the one I wanted to use!  I was mobile before and couldn't address all of the replies.

I am in therapy and I have been since back in July.  There is a lot I won't share, but my therapist's objective view of our relationship is that I shouldn't speak to him at all because he is mentally abusive.  So I don't speak to him unless it is about our daughter and my state of mind has been amazing ever since.  He still does extremely stupid things-took his GF to a place special to us, texted me about it to rub it in, etc.  I honestly don't care though.  I just ignore him.  My attachment to him and my marriage had nothing to do with commitment, it had to do with him constantly leaving me and coming back over and over and making me think he was doing me a favor by keeping me around.  It was just an issue of emotional dependency and I'll never go back to it.  And I wouldn't want my daughter to watch me do that either.  We are both better off now that he's gone.

I'm not necessarily invested in finding a GAL to go my way specifically.  I am extremely doubtful, having met the judge, etc, that she would support him taking our daughter out of the school and day care she's always gone to because he chose to move further away after filing for divorce.  He could have easily moved to be near her and didn't.  I just don't want her to switch school districts and be in a place where no one is familiar.  I don't even think his GF's kids go to the school she would be in.  I did obtain a statement from her developmental pedi about how important consistency and routine is, across the board, in her life.  And also that a school where she can have access to ABA trained personnel is absolutely preferable.   I hate that this is becoming this, but he is fighting me on everything just because.  I think he loves our daughter but right now he's just trying to get the best deal possible for himself and "win" when really there's not going to be any winner here.  

Micelle78

I am glad to hear you and your DD are doing well.  I was actually wondering about you the other day (trying not to sound creepy!) because I noticed you change your name  quite frequently and was hoping things were going well.  I remembered that your ex was not always on the same page as you.  FTR, my DH is still having a hard time, although its getting better.  He got in quite a heated discussion with me the other day.  I just wanted to scream "Get the eff over yourself.  A label is not going to change him and its no ones fault!"  I did let him have an ear full but tried to keep it civil.  The way we raise DS is really just about the only thing DH and I have argued about for the past few years.  I hate it. 

You can see that we differ in how we see DS.  He turned 4 this summer and it is harder for DH to argue that he does not need a DX.  We have gotten DS speech, feeding therapy, OT, and vision therapies (vision recently added) since he was 2.  He is making huge progress, but spend an afternoon with my NT nieces age 2.5 and 4 and you can see that DS is not close to being NT.  DH has admitted that DS has a lot going on but now he is trying to argue that if I get a DX everyone is going to treat him different, his life will be ruined, etc. 

What I am trying to get him to understand is that people will give him their own label and we can not control what others think and/or feel about DS.  We have to try to set him up for the most success we can, but if he has a teacher that sucks, we have to deal with it when we get in that predicament and not avoid being officially Dxed because we *might* have someone who treats him unfairly.   Ugh, just writing this pisses me off.  Our compromise is waiting for a DX until the year before kinder.  Since he is a summer baby, we are waiting until he is 5 and putting him in kinder at 6.  He just turned 4 this summer, so we are about 9 months out from doing it.  I feel like its the slowest pulling off of a bandaid in history.  I am to the point of wanting to set up the appointment and just doing it without him.  However, its not a healthy move for our marriage-- so that sucks.

I can not imagine having this argument with an ex.  I wish all the patience and luck to you.  It sounds like you are getting in a better state of mind to handle it and that makes me happy for you and your DD.  I remember when you made one of your first posts because our kids are the same age and I could relate to a lot of things you have said or dealt with.  Please share and give updates when you can.

HookBringsYouBack

Admittedly, it is has been pretty hard, this past summer and I really felt like I lost it for awhile.  I'm not going to apologize for it, however, you know?  My HS sweetheart.  We were together 13 years.  He filed for divorce and was in a relationship two months later and involved our daughter right away, etc.  Anyone would lose it.  I'm doing well now.  I'm focusing on becoming a nurse really soon and making a life for my daughter.  I will meet someone else some day and realize why this all happened.   And contrary to what is said on Parenting, I have never endangered my daughter nor have I been dishonest about what has been happening.  Or exposed her to ANY of this, really. There is nothing wrong with my reaction to what I went through and I've made my peace with it.

I just want to keep things stable for her.  I signed a lease to stay in our marital home.  That was hard but it was the best thing for her.   I've applied for housing, food stamps, child care assistance.  We did get Medicaid so all of her therapy is covered because it is secondary to his policy.  The human resources where I work has paid my rent for me.  I've gotten a lot of support and it honestly makes all of this feel so much better.  Because there ARE people who care.

ToastieSimons

HookBringsYouBack said:

Admittedly, it is has been pretty hard, this past summer and I really felt like I lost it for awhile.  I'm not going to apologize for it, however, you know?  My HS sweetheart.  We were together 13 years.  He filed for divorce and was in a relationship two months later and involved our daughter right away, etc.  Anyone would lose it.  I'm doing well now.  I'm focusing on becoming a nurse really soon and making a life for my daughter.  I will meet someone else some day and realize why this all happened.   And contrary to what is said on Parenting, I have never endangered my daughter nor have I been dishonest about what has been happening.  Or exposed her to ANY of this, really. There is nothing wrong with my reaction to what I went through and I've made my peace with it.

I just want to keep things stable for her.  I signed a lease to stay in our marital home.  That was hard but it was the best thing for her.   I've applied for housing, food stamps, child care assistance.  We did get Medicaid so all of her therapy is covered because it is secondary to his policy.  The human resources where I work has paid my rent for me.  I've gotten a lot of support and it honestly makes all of this feel so much better.  Because there ARE people who care.

I can only imagine how hard this has been.  i'm so glad you're finding support and people that care about you. 

HookBringsYouBack

I am.  Single motherhood takes you to some interesting places.  The other day, I had to go to the food stamp office to turn in my paperwork for child care assistance.....I actually texted my mom and said to not bring IB n.  Some obviously inebriated woman with two left shoes on picked a fight with some loudmouth girl who was apparently on probation of a conceal carry issue.....it was a scene.  Every time I'm going through something like that or she is overwhelmed with something she wouldn't even be putting up with had it not been for this divorce......I think "God, he's an ass."  It just enlightens me more and more how lucky we are that this happened now.  

So it is still hard.  I still haven't gotten any child support and while all of this is happening, he is taking his girlfriend, her three children, and my daughter on a weekend camping trip.   And starting up new gym memberships!  She's clearly been in his life a long time now and I just didn't know.  Meanwhile, he can't afford day care or 50% of what I spent on school clothing and shoes.  So basically, our daughter is the one who should have to be inconvenienced because he wanted a divorce.  Not him!  

They supposedly ordered support last week.  I am really hoping I hear something soon.  I have no idea how long that takes.  I hope not too long.