What helped you decide?

ram05c

I lost my mom a year and a half ago, and have been pretty well she'll shocked ever since. I am starting to adjust to the new normal, and my husband and I are trying to decide if a family is right for us. The problem is neither of us have much experience. He worked with youth camps in college and enjoyed spending time with kids age 6-12 but has never held a baby. Most of my experience is with older teens. Without my mom, I don't really have anyone to ask questions of or rely on. No close friends have had kids yet as we don't have a big social circle in this area. Some days I think having a family would be amazing, and others it is terrifying. I worry about our relationship, changes to our lifestyle, the kid hating me (losing my mom has made me very sensitive and anxiety ridden). But I also worry about not having anyone for Christmas dinner or to be there if I lose DH. DH and I think we are around 75% sure we want a family on most days, but we have no clue how to get any further. I definitely don't have baby fever yet, so maybe I'm just not ready? Did anyone else make the decision to go for it that also didn't have baby fever? What were your husbands thoughts? How did it turn out? What helped you make the decision? Thanks in advance!

EricaOO

I'm so sorry you've lost your mother. I can imagine it's probably a whirlwind  of emotions daily. In regards to having a baby and experience with babies, - it just comes to you.  DH and I didn't have much baby experience.  You learn as you go. There are tons of books, resources, and your pediatrician that can guide you.  My relationship with my husband did get rocky when our daughter was born.  It is a huge adjustment.  It takes a lot of time to figure out how to divide responsibilites and come up with a routine.  Our daughter just turned 10 months and life is finally getting back to (a new) normal.  If you and your husband are on the same page in terms of expanding your family and you are financially able to do so, don't worry about figuring it out because you will.

sandrabrooke

I think you learn as you go.  I volunteer with babies several times a week and I still don't think I'd be ready to be a mom.  

jennypolkadots

You have already started a family, you have your husband Just throwing that out there - having babies isn't what makes you a family. My dad passed away March 2013 and I am estranged from my mom. He was really the only parent I had and I can't imagine that he will never know our children. I feel your pain, and I'm sorry for your loss.

There are so many other factors to consider than rather or not you would like having a baby around. Finances, the strength of your marriage, lifestyle, etc. It sounds like for now, it wouldn't be the right time for your to try to conceive. And if you never really feel like you want a child it's not a horrible thing to just not have any. You can also fill your life with so many other meaningful things and develop wonderful relationships with other people, which I encourage you to do even if you do have kids. 

We've always loved children and wanted to parent so the only decision for us was when to start trying. As odd as it sounds, having pets (who are like our kids) has made me feel confident in our ability to care for something else and work as a team. Of course it's not the same, but you learn a lot about a man when he has to walk the puppy at 2 am without complaining lol We waited until after some of our boxes were checked - bought a house, stable jobs, out of college, etc. and are happy with the decision as I got pregnant immediately. It's been at least 7 years since an infant has been in either of our families and none of my friends are having kids yet so being around babies wasn't really a deciding factor for us. It's more about wanting to open your life up to parenting no matter what might come with it. As far as holding babies and learning about their needs, you'll be surprised how much is instinctual. 

whenweawake

This sounds like my exact situation. I lost my mother a month ago and me and DH where ttc before she passed and now I just go back and forth in emotions and with no mother or baby experience I'm nervous.
Very sorry to hear about your loss but please know your not alone.

SuddenlyISee

I am very sorry for your loss.  

Losing a parent or family member can definitely stir up many emotions regarding when and whether to conceive. I completely understand where you are coming from. 

For me, I started out with going from enjoying being a newlywed to sort of reinforcing the knowledge that I definitely wanted kids someday. Apart from all the other factors I needed to consider such as financial situation, career and lifestyle, I also had to gradually feel comfortable in my right and ability to be a parent. As someone who has experience working with kids as well as always having been great with kids, I worry less about not being able to handle a child/children. I don't have all the answers but I will learn along the way. I did however, initially stress out about how to make the decision. It was mainly a feeling of how do I know that I have the right to bring a child in this world? 

I took my time to 'sleep on it' and a few months later a realized that I felt 'ready' and comfortable with deciding to TTC. We still have things on our list to tick off before we start TTC but I am now emotionally ready. 

ram05c

Thank you all. My DH and I have been talking about it ad nausem. We have definately checked off most of our boxes - we have a house, good jobs, financial stability and a nice nest egg, we have traveled well and can keep doing so once baby is old enough. Some days I think I am ready - I look at other families with babies and it makes me really happy. Then other nights I lay on the couch at 8:30 and think I don't know how people do it...

DH says he is ready. I'm already prone to anxiety, so I'm probably over thinking it. I know I'd love the good times and I know those come with hard times, so I guess its just selling myself on calming down about it. 

Really, thank you. Its nice to hear others have been through it. 

MurphyWeddingBT

I'm in a similar situation, but have just lost my mother this past June.  My whole life, literally since before I can remember, I've wanted nothing more than to be a mom and start a family with a wonderful significant other.  I was fortunate enough to have married someone better than I could have ever imagined, but the loss of my mother has impacted me greatly.  Sometimes I worry that having kids in this moment could impact them negatively, but then again I will be mourning the loss of my mother for the rest of my life.  After speaking with close friends who are mothers, they have assured me that there is truly no right time to have a baby.  There are a thousand reasons you could potentially say no, or put it off, or what have you, but if it is truly what you want in your heart then I believe it will work itself out.  You could always try to volunteer at a local church or something within that realm to get more interaction with babies, but they always say having your own is different!  Perhaps you are not ready in this moment, but you don't have to decide on forever in this moment either  Best of luck to you and yours!