Fun article to discuss

kcisthebombdotcom

https://familyshare.com/10-ways-you-are-being-unfaithful-to-your-spouse-and-you-dont-even-know-it

Full disclosure-stole it from parenting. I'm a stealing stealer who steals.

Add on question: spouse or children first?

penguingrrl

WTF? Basically it's saying to only wear sweats and lock yourself in the house because otherwise you'll oops find yourself fucking someone else. And let your husband have sex with you whenever he wants because you're his property. Nope nope nope!

I do, however, agree with not letting the kids interfere with your marriage. Your kids are really important, but they will eventually move out and move on (and hopefully visit often) and you don't want to find yourself with an empty nest and a spouse you no longer really know.

kcisthebombdotcom

Yeah I do much of the stuff on that list. Poor dh. I do put my marriage first. Not prioritizing getting dh off over getting the kids fed or anything but the marriage is the foundation of the family,

catycate

I saw that last night. I don't think any marriage is alike. If you and your husband agree on those boundaries, great. I ended one friendship that was most likely too close bc DH was uncomfortable with it. We never crossed a line emotionally or physically but DH said it made him feel weird and that was it. I do think the not engaging online thing is funny given What has gone down on Parenting the last few weeks (months?) and as far as kids or husbands first, that's a big ol grey area for me. If the house was burning down? If someone is hungry? If kids and husband are sick? Kids in a heartbeat. But on the big picture, I try to put our marriage at the top of the list bc that's what we will be left with in 18-20 years.

dmartin726

gwapes said:

I talk online to my best friend daily. He's a male. 

And I put my child before my spouse most of the time. 

Ruh Roh... 

You are so so doomed.  Doomed I tell you.

This article is crap.  I put whoever is whining the loudest first.  Sometimes the kids.  Sometimes DH.  It's really whoever I need to stop asking me for something before I go crazy....

raraavis28

Yeah whenever I hear "spouse first, then children" I wonder when it became a competition. Having little kids requires you to be a team (ideally anyway), so you're both sacrificing more for the sake of the whole unit. I think I'd be more on board with "Don't forget to make your relationship a priority even with the demands of raising kids"

As for the other stuff....they seem to make it sound like intent and habit are irrelevant, but that if you spend five minutes alone w/ someone of the opposite sex you are automatically being unfaithful. I don't buy that for a second.

alli2672

I agree that the article is kind of stupid.  I do think that as a woman, you usually know if a man is being nice to you because he wants to sleep with you or wants to be friends/ have a professional relationship/ is just a nice guy, etc. 

  If you know a man wants to sleep with you, and you kind of encourage it by dressing provocatively around him, flirting, and hanging out one on one, then you aren't exactly being faithful even if nothing is really happening.  I don't think anyone really needs an article to tell them that, and I don't think anyone is acting like that and doesn't realize it. 

bumpuser8448316

amy052006 said:

Unpopoular opinion time -- as much as people bitch and moan about attachment parenting and helicopter parenting and what ever else, I think there is also a swing in certain circles to try and be as disengaged from your kids as possible.

I mean, when I hear someone yammering on and on about how much endless free time and couples times they want and need and how spoiled kids are and how they don't need to be around their kids --- and I mean really yammering endlessly -- my eyes glaze over.  If kids are such a fucking drag, don't have them.  They aren't a life requirement.,

I Just had this same conversation with my sister. I am so over the whole "I'm so blasé and open minded as a parent that I let my 4 year old roam the streets alone." No. There's teaching your children to be responsible and independent and there's being a laz idiot to prove a point

alli2672

 I agree with @raraavis28 about the whole spouse vs. kids thing.  I love how you put it. 

kcisthebombdotcom

amy052006 said:

I hate shit like this because it operates on the assumption everyone is straight.

Also, I am so over "spouse first".  Listen, I love the hell out of my husband -- he is the single greatest person I know.  But he can feed himself, wipe his own ass, and has a fully developed brain.  In day to day life, it is just impossible for him to be "first" all the time.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that in day to day life that kids are a huge time commitment and their basic needs come first. I think people do become too swept up in that monotony, become roommates who like each other a whole lot and are going through the motions of being parents vs a married couple.

yanakimou

I also agree with @raraavis28, we are a team putting the family unit first because it isn't a competition it's a partnership.  Sometimes one person needs a little bit more at times,  but we try really hard to be a team and have our decisions and actions reflect that.

As far as friendships with the opposite sex, neither of us have a problem with it. I think you can tell 99% of the time when someone has feelings for you other than friendship (if you are honest with yourself), and as long as you stay away from that it's fine.  And including your spouse in on those friendships is always a good idea.

fancefpp

amy052006 said:

Unpopoular opinion time -- as much as people bitch and moan about attachment parenting and helicopter parenting and what ever else, I think there is also a swing in certain circles to try and be as disengaged from your kids as possible.

I mean, when I hear someone yammering on and on about how much endless free time and couples times they want and need and how spoiled kids are and how they don't need to be around their kids --- and I mean really yammering endlessly -- my eyes glaze over.  If kids are such a fucking drag, don't have them.  They aren't a life requirement.,

I have a friend (well,  former friend) who is so obsessed with the world thinking her life hasn't changed that much since having kids. She goes out all the time, works a ton (even though she doesn't have to for her job)  and travels without them constantly. She's always bragging about it on FB and saying how independent her kids are because of it. Yeah, you should be really proud that they aren't dependent on you, just your babysitter. She made me feel like my decision to stay home was the worse possible thing I could do to myself and my kids really don't need me around.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying you can't work hard, travel or go out, but she takes it to whole new level just to prove her life hasn't changed and kids didn't change her.

honkytonk_kid

The thing that bothers me about "spouse first" is, what does that actually look like? Regular date nights? Supporting your spouse in non-critical discipline matters? Cool. No argument there. Neglecting your kid? Not so much, that just make you a crappy parent.

I think it's also worth considering that life with little kid/s at home is not necessarily indicative of the rest of the years of your marriage. With little ones at home everyone takes a few for the team for a few years. As P has gotten older it's easier to do things I would consider "putting H first," ie kid-free trips, date nights, even just telling the kid to go entertain himself while we talk for a bit.

penguingrrl

honkytonk_kid said:

The thing that bothers me about "spouse first" is, what does that actually look like? Regular date nights? Supporting your spouse in non-critical discipline matters? Cool. No argument there. Neglecting your kid? Not so much, that just make you a crappy parent. I think it's also worth considering that life with little kid/s at home is not necessarily indicative of the rest of the years of your marriage. With little ones at home everyone takes a few for the team for a few years. As P has gotten older it's easier to do things I would consider "putting H first," ie kid-free trips, date nights, even just telling the kid to go entertain himself while we talk for a bit.

I have always taken that to mean that while the kids take a lot of your energy on a day-to-day basis and should, you should take time to live as partners, not roommates. I don't think it means neglect the kids and only worry about each other. My ILs poured everything into their kids and their marriage is basically a shell of a relationship at this point and that's not healthy at all. They are one extreme and people who basically let their 4 year old roam the neighborhood so they can have fun with each other are definitely the other. I think there's absolutely a balance that people need to find. 

notkateanymore

I neeeeeed to talk about what happened over on Parenting and understand why nobody there thought a married dude who hung out on a message board geared for women wasn't going to turn out to be a dick sexting perv. I need to understand.

honkytonk_kid

penguingrrl said:

honkytonk_kid said:

The thing that bothers me about "spouse first" is, what does that actually look like? Regular date nights? Supporting your spouse in non-critical discipline matters? Cool. No argument there. Neglecting your kid? Not so much, that just make you a crappy parent.

I think it's also worth considering that life with little kid/s at home is not necessarily indicative of the rest of the years of your marriage. With little ones at home everyone takes a few for the team for a few years. As P has gotten older it's easier to do things I would consider "putting H first," ie kid-free trips, date nights, even just telling the kid to go entertain himself while we talk for a bit.

I have always taken that to mean that while the kids take a lot of your energy on a day-to-day basis and should, you should take time to live as partners, not roommates. I don't think it means neglect the kids and only worry about each other. My ILs poured everything into their kids and their marriage is basically a shell of a relationship at this point and that's not healthy at all. They are one extreme and people who basically let their 4 year old roam the neighborhood so they can have fun with each other are definitely the other. I think there's absolutely a balance that people need to find. 

Yeah, absolutely there is a balance. Nobody is "first" every single day, and that's ok.

fintin

:-t what happened on parenting?

Edited because I was typing too fast.

spring_time

fintin said:

:-t what happened on parenting? Edited because I was typing too fast.

Curious minds want to know

Keeptruckin

I never understood the whole kids or partner first thing? All I can picture is me holding a bag with one last cookie and deciding who gets it lol? We are a team, a good one, and our family comes first. So would a partner coming first work? Of course date nights, having time to connect, etc make for a healthy relationship. But why would anyone ever have to choose? Let's face it, if the house is burning down I'm going for my daughter. And I am spending time with my gorgeous male friend who is flying in on Saturday. I will flirt with him, dress up for me, but it's all safe because he is a flaming homosexual lol! I can't wait! To assume friendships of the opposite sex can't work, straight or gay, is ridiculous!

notkateanymore

I truly don't have any details, you know they don't love me, so it's not like somebody is PMing me all the deets, BUT from what I can tell LuckyDad snapchatted his dick to another reg. And then all hell broke loose. I'm sure there are more details and important parts to the story, but I just want to know where the outrage comes from...he was obvs a creeper to begin with being a married guy on a chick message board about children. 

Andrewsgal

Looks like he sent it to missyishere

fintin

That is pretty creepy. Also that board is so overrun now I can't keep up. So I just dont.

notkateanymore

See I think a dude wanting to hang out on the Bump is a red flag from the get go...we're not THAT interesting.

Ilumine

I think that the whole Spouse vs Children debate is not so much about actions as thought. 

How many times have we, as a mother or father made decisions for the family without even thinking about our spouse's input?  How many times have we automatically thought that DH/DW can wait until I am finished with dealing with the kids.  How many times have we gotten defensive, hurt, stubborn, etc when our spouse does something we don't do/agree with, with the children?  

Being partners (vs one or the other) means automatically thinking of our partner when something comes up.  

Now I am not saying that we call our partners for every single decision.  That is not being a partner, that is being subservient.  But that does mean thinking about what their opinion would be.  Just like I would expect my husband to think about me before he made the small choices and came to me on the big choices. 

catycate

I think the dick pic was via snap chat. I agree with @notkateanymore‌ I don't know what they thought was going I. When he started posting. But he played normal for a long time. And missyishere was in a super shitty marriage, so she may have been vulnerable. The whole thing was fascinating to watch go down.

notkateanymore

I personally love a good train wreck. 

I miss Hav.