DH not reading any books

misterdonut · October 2014

Wonderful insomnia, woke up randomly thinking about my to do's and the fact that DH won't read the ONE book I've asked him to. I have done most of the child prep research and birthing book readings. It's now getting close and book has only been flipped a few pages. Feeling really unsupported. He will help me physically and listen to my summaries of stuff I read, but I am feeling overwhelmed. Anyone else on the same boat?

sweetbabyrahe · October 2014

I am a STM, but with DS my husband did not read any books. He is really not a reader because of his dyslexia. He would listen to my summaries, but
During pregnancy I don't think it was real fully to him. After DS was born, DH has always been a very involved father and has a very close relationship with DS. When issues have come up since birth, he tends to Internet search for answers or ideas as opposed to reading a book.

Bottom line, I wouldn't worry too much about it as I don't think they need to read the books, although it would be nice since you asked him to.

Carebella · October 2014

I'm big on book reading and have been super eager for DH to read the books we've gotten. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one with that knows not to given the baby honey for awhile, or how to dress the baby and etcetera. And I didn't want to feel like I was responsible for teaching DH everything I learn. That being said, my husband is not a book reader. I asked him how he'd like to approach getting at least one or two of the books read and what we've done is take turns reading a chapter out loud* every weekend. Between that and classes I'm less stressed. I'd recommend asking him if there is anything you can do to help him with the reading or seeing if maybe find a video or audio series would be more helpful.

* eta

rox825 · October 2014

I knew that my H wouldn't do any reading no matter how much I asked, so I insisted on a live childbirth class for us. Maybe an audio book like PP suggested? You could play segments each night or weekend while you're doing chores or baby prep tasks.

misterdonut · October 2014

Thanks all. Good to know I'm not the only one! He does use his phone a lot when I have a major question so that part I feel good about. Rotating chapters also sounds great!

jac409 · October 2014

I am also a STM and my DH never read any books either. I agree with PPs that the whole thing isn't really real for them until the baby gets here. And then, they are more likely to figure it out as they go, googling something if they need to. I wouldn't worry too much about it. My DH is a great dad, even though he never read a thing about it.

ccam · October 2014

DH did not read a single book and honestly, besides sleep training, neither did I! You learn from experience and DH is an amazing Dad. I wouldn't worry too much about it!

MrsDL · October 2014

My H was like this - with birthing books and parenting books. I read a ton, he didn't touch them. Women are planners (even though we know you can't plan for everything) and men are reactors. I think many of them wing-it because they realize that and they're OK with a "take instructions" and "play it by ear approach" when it comes to baby.

Frankly, this works out better when LO arrives imo. I didn't need DH to remember what was in all the books, I needed him to stop, listen and trust me on what I read, and act (or should I say do what I told him without any "lip" LOL). He did just that and it worked out much better than us arguing over what was, and was not, in the books or how we probably would have interpreted them differently. That's how it's going to be for the most part. Even the most hands-on dads I know take instructions from mom when it comes to most things child-rearing. If you have a DH/SO that trusts you and will go with what you say - you'll feel supported and there will be harmony in the household. It makes things much easier.

aa98 · October 2014

I posted about this a few months ago as DH was very uninterested and very negative about all the reading I was doing and he refused to take classes. Moreover he is supremely confident in his skills and knowledge of baby care being a medical professional with children as part of his practice. I was very very annoyed at first. Now I've accepted that he's not going to change and it's not worth me stressing. Though I still wish he would at least skim the father chapter in "what to expect..." I'll do the reading and I will be more assertive about using what I've learned to make decisions for this baby regardless of what he says or believes.

On an aside, do any of you ladies have suggestions about child care apps? I send him weekly bump updates which he sometimes takes a look at.

jibell · October 2014

DH didn't read any of the books with the first 2 either... Nothing has changed for this one except that he does look stuff up on his phone if needed... Or he actually asks guys he works with who have kids for advice which I find really cute!

moroccojade · October 2014

My husband read a bit during my last pregnancy. (Some Penny Simkin.) I was so shocked I almost passed out. It is NOT his sort of reading at all. And I bet he wouldn't have read a word if I would have pushed it on him.

BUT there is one book he forced on me. He went to a baby and dad/male caregiver class at our cool public library. And there they got a book called _Daddy Does Things Differently_ or some darn thing. It is about how men and women parent differently, and the way Dads do things actually have a lot of merit, too. It was a good lesson for me. He was an amazing father from day 1, but I admit I found myself wanting to correct him. I backed off on that A LOT after that book.

So it seems your husband wants to do things differently, too. And not by any book. Cross your fingers he has some decent instincts in there.

carcrashheart · October 2014

yeah, i'm not on the book bandwagon. i didn't read any. DH didn't read any. i haven't read any since having DS. i know for some it helps. but honestly, parenting is pretty instinctual, and the books can easily not apply to your child or help at all. you never know which category you're going to end up in. the only book i bought was happiest baby on the block. i read the first chapter, but knew the overall idea of the book. none of the S's worked on DS. like, none. maybe shhh'ing, maybe. he hated it all though, so the book was worthless to me. i feel like some people set themselves up for more stress and pressure by having book knowledge because then when their child just doesn't comply like the books state they don't know what to do.

now, if you have a laundry list of other reasons why your DH is being unsupportive, maybe i would agree with you. however, not reading a book isn't exactly the end of the world or the sign of an unsupportive husband. did you ever consider finding out what would work better for HIM? maybe he isn't a book reader or doesn't feel like that is the best way for him to prepare. so have you thought about asking him what HE might like to do to help himself feel prepared or if he even feels the need? i know this is going to come off snarky, and it's really not meant to be, but honestly it's a pretty selfish thought to be angry at him because he hasn't read any of the books you gave him. it isn't all about you, though i agree that is mostly about you. but he is becoming a parent as well. from day one you guys are going to have to figure out how to parent together, instead of assuming that the other is going to do what you want and how you want. even if he thought maybe reading a book might help, it is ok for him to decide against it.

ssstephanie214 · October 2014

I thought FI wasn't reading anything until one day he came out with some fact about "tummy time" and said he reads things on his phone at work. Googles as needed. Just doesn't talk about it often. We're going to some classes together so I think between all that, we're not feeling guilty skipping books.

Maybe your husband researches on his own time?

ElinJ · October 2014

With my first pregnancy my husband read nothing. (I also didn't ask him to.) however he did come to all our birthing classes. And he agreed to come to the breastfeeding class (it was only 1 night). Once there, he saw that every other woman except 1 had her partner there. And the one that didn't was obviously pissed & she was texting him. Ha! He said afterwards he was glad he came, and he reiterated that sentiment after our son was born.

Some men aren't readers. If he is willing & receptive to learn by going to classes, that seems sufficient to me!

MuchlyGen · October 2014

My fella isn't much of a reader either. With our first, I would sometimes mark specific pages or highlight specific paragraphs, and then get so ragey with him when he wouldn't read it... haha, ok, actually that still pisses me off, but ahem. What I've learned is that if there's something specific I'd like him to know or think about, I need to just talk to him about it. Just bring it up in conversation. I wish I'd done more of that before our first (specifically - what he could expect when baby was new, ways he could support me when baby just wanted to nurse, not to take it personally if he couldn't soothe baby, etc.).

I also wish I had gotten the DVD of the Happiest Baby on the Block. I had the book and adored it, but again, fella's not a reader! I think it would have been particularly helpful for him to have the video of it.

One book he did like was The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. He used it as a reference text, so that when a specific question or issue came up he could just look in the index, find the page, and read about it.

so72409 · October 2014

My DH never cracked a single book. Which is fine...he's a 'hands on' learner, and we had twins, so he got a lot of hands on learning and got it fast! He was also the man that wouldn't even hold his own nieces for more than 30 seconds at a time, so I was slightly panicked at the thought of him taking care of his own kids. He's turned out to be one amazing daddy, without reading a single book.

Have some faith in your DH.

JFH2010 · October 2014

I had to really harass DH to read anything the first time around. Ultimately I still knew a lot more than him because I'd spent so much time reading stuff online. It was annoying to have to constantly be the one telling him what you're "supposed" to do or not do with an infant, especially since I felt like he didn't always believe me! But he'd read specific articles that I emailed him or whatever.

I agree that men tend to be more trial-and-error types, which is stressful with a newborn because there are some errors that you really really don't want anyone to make. But the good news is that IMO the time when this is an issue is short. In the beginning I knew much more than he did, but by a year or so, we were both more comfortable winging it. For me I just had to accept that during the newborn phase, I was going to be much more knowledgeable about "best practices" and that was ok.

absolutelymaybe · October 2014

Reading a book does not necessarily equal knowing how to take care of a child. And some of the best parents have never read a book. He may just learn differently. Try to cut him some slack.

SarahHeck · October 2014

Baby books are over rated in my opinion. A lot of what's in those books is common sense anyway. We read a couple baby books the first time and all the stuff we didn't already know didn't end up applying to us since we didn't end up having a typical birth or child. This time we're googling more specific questions and wingin the rest.

sparklingwhit · October 2014

Ya, neither DH nor I have read a single baby book. I guess I just don't think they're that necessary. If I feel lost I call on the Almighty Google to guide me...