Advice Wanted/Mom Rant

laurenann89

Hi ladies,
I'm ranting about my mother. It's a long one. Just a heads up.

So my mother has been a widow for almost 3 years. My stepfather, who took on the father role in my life since he married my mom when I was 9 months old, took his own life when my mother was there. It was horrendous. My mother, and the rest of us, have permanent scars from it of course. I've been there for my mom as much as possible, always trying to offer patience and support when I could. When I got pregnant she was thrilled, and a part of me hoped it would bring some joy to her life since it's her first grandchild.

We spent 9 months excitedly talking about the impending birth of LO. We made plans for the future. She was going to help watch LO for me during my last semester in school so I could graduate. She would get to spend time with LO and I would appreciate the help.
Fast forward to my labor... It was a nightmare. The midwife pitted herself against my mom bc she was a labor and delivery nurse who demanded that I have the best possible care, which the midwife wasn't that interested in providing since, "they were already understaffed and it was the weekend." My husband didn't understand why my mom was being so pushy during my labor, but I did. I was always on my moms side, though she was being a tad dramatic. My mom got her feelings hurt, I was barely conscious due to just birthing a tiny human, and my mom left directly after our son was born. That hurt my feelings, but I remained on her side.

Fast forward to more recent. About a month after LO was born my mom moved in with her boyfriend. We are actually living in my mom's house, we moved in a few months before LO was born since she was alone and I wanted her help. This was around the time she started dating for the first time since my dad's death, and I reassured her that it was ok often. Win/win. Unfortunately after LO was born, she actually wasn't very much help. She was hardly around and moved out quickly. She's kind of been going through a teenage selfish phase where she's dating this guy and won't inconvenience herself if she doesn't want to. She won't come and see LO and I here. She expects us to come and see her at least once a week. The problem is, they live a solid hour away. And LO hates riding in the car that long. My husband's parents live 10 minutes away, so naturally they see LO more.
She's been insanely jealous of the fact that his parents see LO more, and I've tried explaining that it wouldn't be the case if she could come visit us more. She says she can't handle the guilt of being in her old house while she has a new boyfriend. Which I understand. But I also know my mom and she tends to be on the selfish side. I've made excuses for her the last few years, bc she's earned a bit of selfishness with what she's experienced. But now it's getting ridiculous. I wasn't able to finish my last semester of college bc mom decided her shoulder hurt too much for her to watch LO (it hurts somedays, but is miraculously better others). I've hardly had her help with LO bc it's difficult for me to drive and hour one way with a baby who doesn't like riding for that long, and that's what she expects.
I made plans to spend last Friday night at her house and then Saturday night at my inlaws bc my husband was going camping for the weekend. After I made the plans with my mom and her bf to come that evening around 6:30, he got tickets to go to a college football game Saturday morning, so they'd be leaving early. No problem. I had plans for Saturday too. Well Friday rolls around and Mom asked me what time on Friday I would be coming. 6:30 or 7 like I already told her. She then tells me we should reschedule bc they would be going to bed early bc they were leaving early the next. No problem. Except that then she starts pressuring me to come and stay the night with her Saturday night instead. I told her I already had plans so I didn't think I would be able. Plus my car had been leaking oil so I wasn't sure about the drive. Saturday comes and she asks what time I would be coming. I told her I wouldn't bc I had already made plans. She gets mad and tells me I should've rescheduled them bc LO gets to see my inlaws all the time, but not her. Which isn't even true. They see LO once a week, she see him about once every 2 weeks. When I drive him the hour to her house, or 30 minutes to a meeting spot where she'll pick him up and drive him the rest of the way. There's a little more to the story in the back scenes. My husband doesn't always agree with her, so there's tension between my mom and him sometimes. My brother, that my mom always protects, is a druggie that stops by the house to get his mail, which comes here bc it's mom's house and a permanent address and the most recent time he did my husband and him got into a fight, so mom's had that on her mind...etc

Since our blowout over the weekend, she's told me to stop sending her pics and videos of LO and pretending like she's going to be in his life. I asked her about helping watching him while I was in school. She told me I was a big girl who could figure it out. I tried explaining that when LO gets older and tolerates riding in the car better I would bring him more and I was sure he would spend weekends there and that he would love them just as much if not more than his other grandparents. Not good enough. We haven't bothered to "pop over" for dinner or come and visit as much as to my inlaws, so that's how it would always be in her mind and she wouldn't be LOs favorite. According to her we only do what's convenient for us, but that's what she's doing too. Plus, we have a baby, so yeah, I will do what's more convenient for us. You can't "pop over" somewhere with an hour drive with a 6 month old.

I don't know what to do. She has a way of making me feel guilty, as she's always been pretty good at it. And normally I let it slide, but I can't this time. Am I being unrealistic and selfish (what she says)? I want my LO to have a relationship with her. I love love love my mom. She's been my rock for my entire life. But she's different now, which I expect, but I feel it's gotten ridiculous.

Kudos and love tits if you made it all the way through this. Hope it made enough sense.

Edited for grammar.

dannie2011

 She wants a relationship with her grandchild then she needs to make it happen. Stop being manipulated by her childish games. You are a mother now, you need to think of your family and not get sucked into her narcissistic tendencies. 

alfriedeck

Without being in that situation it is hard for me to give you an honest opinion.  What a tough situation.  My MIL pulls the same shit, but my parents live 3.5 hours away and she lives 2.  My FIL lives 2.5.  We see my FIL more than anyone else because he ahs the same hobby that we do so we meet at the ranch once a month and every weekend during season.  My MIL wants to come visit every week, or us visit her.  Her house is about 600sqft,  three people, a dog and a 6 month old cant do that.  and I don't like her enough for her to be at my house every week.  Sometimes I think that balancing family is the worst part of parenting....   

SurpriseAt39

First, I'm on my ipad so I apologize for what is sure to be very crappy formatting. My family was somewhat like that with DS1. (They live 1.5 to 2 hours away). I told them its too disruptive to his schedule, and too much driving for me to do in one day with a screaming kid. They come visit ME or they don't see him often. It was the same when DD was a baby. Now I have 2u2. They can come visit!!!!! If I go to them, it's a. Weekend long visit. (Which means hotel room for 3-5 people) DH's parents live 15 minutes away. They take DS1 once a week, sometimes overnight, but at least for a 10 hour visit. They will start taking LO too when he can get around on his own and is eating more. ***Your mother is being immature and childish. ***

laurenann89

Thank you ladies for your replies. I had the feeling that I was being manipulated, and it feels better knowing that someone other than my husbands sees it too. Balancing family units is way harder than I imagined it would be. Of all the stress of being a first time mom, I never imagined dealing with my own mother to be one of them. Now she's pinning things to Pinterest about how the selfish actions of adult children tears families apart and how parental alienation is a form of abuse (implying my husband forces me to alienate from her when in reality he just gripes to me about her making me drive to see her, but never stops me from actually seeing her). It's ridiculous.

Edit for autocorrect

kelley72

I agree with what  danni2011 said.  It is not your job to jump through hoops for her.  She is, understandably, going through a tough time as you all are, adjusting to parenthood (you/dh), her in a new relationship after the tragic death of spouse.  I would concentrate on taking care of your lo in the way you and your dh see fit.  Best wishes

kaking78

It sounds like she forgot what it's like to have a baby. In time she might come around, but for now you've got to put LO's needs ahead of hers. I think you're in the right here.

scrumpfy

Just do what works best for you. If she wants a relationship with her grandchild, she'll start making some effort. It may take some time.

kstar83

This is the conversation I have been having with family

1. This is your family now. Your husband, yourself and your children are your priority

2. It is your responsibility to model healthy relationships to your children. Be kind and understanding to your mother, of course, but draw the line at rearranging your life for her. Draw the line at constant feeling of guilt-it will only get worse-and it honestly doesn't make her feel any better. 

Turtle15SW

Agree with everything above. I actually took over living in my grandma's house after college and she took every opportunity she could to manipulate the situation....like I owed her. Never mind the fact I lived there for a year so she could have my room at my parents house to be looked after because she could no longer live alone. Finally, I said free rent wasn't worth the crap she wa pulling and I told her I was moving out and figure out what you want to do with the house. Long story short, control ended, she had to face reality about what to do with the house, etc. My point is, if you can afford to move out soon I think it could help. I know you don't mention that as a big issue, but it probably adds to your mom's skewed sense of what she is doing for you, etc. It may even prompt her to think about a living situation closer to you. I'm really sorry she didn't support you with school. That has to be so hard and disappointing. I would be pretty upset about that. A lot of schools offer on campus childcare so parents can go to school, may be something to check out.

angelsnight

This is purely speculation, but a little bit of your mom's behavior is familiar to me.  My mom died 10 years ago and when my dad had been a widower for about 3 years he started dating a woman who he has now been with for 7 years now.  My dad and I had always been super close, but for the first couple years there was some tension between us.

I can't even quote an issue, it just seemed like we weren't seeing eye to eye and things were more stressful between us than they had ever been before.  Now granted, I met my now husband just a few months after my dad met his GF, so it could have been some tension over my dad "losing me" to MH, but there were definitely some instances where I felt things were different now because he was with his GF.

So maybe it's the whole issue of being married for so long and being that "old married couple" and now suddenly being in a new relationship.  Like you said, she's acting like a selfish teenager.  It could be their struggle to be both a parent to an adult child, and feeling young again in a new relationship.  It does sound like some of the issues with your mom have always been there, but hopefully this new drama is more about her transition in life and will get better soon.  Things with my dad got better once the newness of his relationship wore off (and perhaps once he accepted that MH was here to stay).  Good luck to you!

zartisterica

Wow, sorry you have to deal with this. I could not imagine this on top of the sleepless nights, teething and just plain mommy guilt/worry dealing with a GROWN adult's issues. I don't have any advice other than just putting her in time out. I really hope your Mom comes to her senses. Life is too short and your LO will be fine with the people who want to be in his life. 

laurenann89

Thanks everyone who took the time to read this and offer advice/reassurance. I really felt like I wasn't the one who was being unreasonable and it was nice to hear from others. I stopped reaching out for a few days and I guess mom finally got the picture bc she offered to drive here and get LO to spend the night with her one night to give me a break. He spent the night with her on Tuesday and things have felt much less tense since. Hopefully things will continue to improve!