Newly married friend.

Aussie45

Some background info: I spent last December with my family down in GA. I heard from her while I was gone and she said she was dating someone. She's a super sweet girl, really religious, kind of shy, but had never had a boyfriend before (she's 25). I was happy for her, because I knew she was nervous about finding someone to get married to and she desperately wanted kids.

When I got back into town, we met up to hang out. We hung out at her parents place as always because she still lived at home. She was trying to save money and what not, and just never really got around to moving out. Her parents and DH's family are super close so this never bothered me, I loved hanging out with her mom and family members. Anyways, she told me she was engaged to this new guy and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was shocked more than anything. Before I had left for GA, there was really no hint of a guy in her life and now she was married? I was nervous, but I congratulated her all the same. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I agreed.

Over the past year (from Jan. until now), we've hung out maybe 5 or 6 times total. Out of those times, her fiancée was there probably 4 of those times. They snuggled on the couch and in general just ignored me and DH if he happened to be there. I got annoyed when this happened, but I tried to remember that this was her first relationship and she had major puppy eyes for him. Whatever. When I met up with her the second or third time, she vented about how busy she was with the wedding planning. I listened and let her take the lead on when we hung out. I missed her lots because I didn't grow up in this area and besides her, I had no other super close friends. I knew that she would be busy though and told myself it would be fine.

Her mom told me a story about the fiancée and how she had asked her daughter (we'll call her A) to come in to help her in the kitchen. A tried to get up and her fiancée just held her closer and wouldn't let her get up. At first, it seemed playful to her mom, but he really wouldn't let her up. She came out to the living room and told the fiancée that he had a couple more months before she was his and dragged A away. I could tell when she told me this story it bothered her and it bothered me too. He just seems....odd. He said his hobbys include doing stuff outdoors, reading the bible, and hanging out with friends. A's intrest includes very little outdoors, watching lots of movies or tv, and reading the bible. It doesn't seem like they have a ton in common besides their faith, but she was really smitten.

Over the past couple of months, I have hardly seen her. When I do, she seems happy even if she is a bit stressed from planning. We had her wedding last Saturday. Up to this point I really didn't care for her fiancée, but after I heard his vows, it sounded like he really loved her. They both are very focused on God and keeping their relationship..holy? Focused on him? Idk exactly what they're going for.

At the reception, I heard from my SIL that her fiancée had been talking to A and her mom and had said that A could see her family, just not as much as she did now. Since this is through the grapevine, I don't know if this is exactly what was said, if it sounds worse because I didn't hear how he said it, or if he's being a controlling ass. Either way, when I heard that it definitely raised my eyebrows and made me nervous. I talked to her mom yesterday and asked if she had heard from A and she said it was a no phone honeymoon and that they wouldn't be back until Friday. Apparently, they have taken off work until Oct. 6 to spend time together and don't plan on hanging out with anyone until then. Considering they waited to kiss until they were closer to getting married, this doesn't really surprise me because you know, sex.

Overall, I just feel like I've lost my best friend throughout this whole process. I keep hoping that now that they're married things will get back to normal, but I sincerely doubt it. And I don't know how I feel about him. DH is very protective of A because they've known each other since they were little. He doesn't like her fiancée. I'm not sure I like him either, sometimes he seems nice and normal, and then sometimes he does things that I think are weird.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm not sure if I'm looking for some perspective, some advice, or just venting. Overall, I'm not mad or upset with my friend, I just really sad and I miss her. I feel like our friendship is fading fast.

I know this is TL;DR, but I tried to give the barebones of the story without leaving too much important stuff.

TL;DR version: I'm worried about my friend and I feel like our friendship is fading.

likeanoldtimemovie

Give her some time. Not only is she a newlywed, but this is her first relationship. She's going to be all about him for a while.

I think you're digging a bit on the husband being weird. Maybe he's socially awkward? My BIL is SO socially awkward that he comes across as bizarre. But it's because he just has no idea how to hang out with others or be social.

Aussie45

Ya, I mean when I typing this out, it does make him seem abusive. I don't think he is, but I definitely think he is awkward/kind of weird. A also told me that his mom abandoned him when he was young so he's worried about her (as his girlfriend) doing the same. It might be that that's all it is and it's coming across worse than he means for it to.

MomIn2013

I think you'd probably be best talking to your friend directly, as some of this could be exaggerations/out of context. I'd try not to be too direct, though, and just stick to more general questions about how she likes married life, etc. If she wants to talk, she will, but I don't think you can really force the issue. Also, it doesn't surprise me that she seems to have less time for friends now - meeting a new guy/getting married/etc. often causes that to happen. Hopefully once she gets into the swing of her new life things will get back to normal a bit.

Aussie45

@likeanoldtimemovie‌ I know, and that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I was really depressed all yesterday, because it really feels like I've "lost" her as a friend.

I was talking to DH and I said that I liked the way we are now. DH and I used to spend all of our time together and I would get depressed if he left to go hang out with friends. I'm on depression meds now and I don't get depressed when he leaves and we both hang out with different friends separately and together. I like the way we are now, because how we were before wasn't healthy and it caused a lot of friction. I just wish I could fast forward to when my friend has this epiphany so we can hang out again lol.

Aussie45

@amy052006‌ I know and when I heard that front SIL, my eyes got huge. I don't know if they were just talking in general and saying that since she isn't living at home anymore she probably won't see them as much as she does now or if it's really ya, you won't be seeing them as much. It's through the grapevine so it's hard to know for sure exactly what was said and if it was taken out of context. I think I'm going to text her mom and see what she says about it. It makes me nervous that he might've said something like that..

raraavis28

likeanoldtimemovie said:

Give her some time. Not only is she a newlywed, but this is her first relationship. She's going to be all about him for a while. I think you're digging a bit on the husband being weird. Maybe he's socially awkward? My BIL is SO socially awkward that he comes across as bizarre. But it's because he just has no idea how to hang out with others or be social.

Very much this. If your concern is about the relationship adjusting, well you know things change when you get married, but you will all find your new normal. What I would be concerned about is how quickly the relationship progressed, and if she seemed like she was still totally in the infatuation stage when she decided to marry him, as this is obviously not a good idea (like when my former roommate got engaged after dating a guy for just 4 months....but that's another story for another day....). I would also be concerned about signs of an abusive relationship (btw, a person moving really fast in the relationship is sometimes a sign of that....and emotional abusers are often suffering from their own past abuse or abandonment, so if anything, abandonment issues would be a red flag for me, maybe not of trouble now but perhaps down the road....)

If I were you, I wouldn't take it personally that she's been out of touch, but just keep being available and let her get used to newlywed life (a phone-free honeymoon sounds normal to me, btw....DH and I weren't calling anyone.....plus at the time it would have cost a fortune :P ) If you do have deeper concerns, though, don't ignore them either.

orangegoggles

Well I think it could one of two ways...

1. They are just bible loving ppl who are going to be all obsessed with each other because you never having a BF/GF stuff....sex...etc. It might fade over time but they will totally end up having tons of children.

or 

2. He really is controlling and she doesn't realize because she's a 25 year old woman who hasn't dated. 

I really hope it isn't #2. If it was my friend  I would do my best to keep calling, staying in touch, etc. I'd also try to give her some perspective of what a healthy relationship should be like in case she really doesn't know. Obviously not directly tell her but share things about your relationship with her. Whatever you do, don't let her end the relationship with you, I would want to keep your friendship solid so you will know if things aren't going well. 

Aussie45

Ok, well I just asked her mom about what was said. Apparently, all the fiancée said was that she would probably have less time to see her family since she was moving out not that she couldn't see them a lot if she wanted to still.

Aussie45

@LalaMama81‌ I guess I'm just worried about how much time we'll spend. Even when we do spend time, he's there and even if DH is with me, it feels like we're the third wheel. It's awkward.

It took DH and I about 3 years to really get out of the honeymoon stage. Lala and others, how long did it take you before you really started to get back in to hanging out with friends? I'm just worried that A and I are just going to drift further and further apart and eventually just not even be friends. I really love her and I don't want that to happen, but at this point it feels inevitable. I know this is very woe is me, and believe me, I haven't expressed these feelings to her and I've given her her space and was really supportive throughout the whole wedding process. I didn't make her wedding about me at all, just more so curious about what other people have seen with their friends or themselves.

Aussie45

Ya, @CurlingRocks I mean I really tried to understand it. We're of the same faith, but I was definitely the 'bad girl' (ex. had sex before marriage, had sex with mulitiple guys, etc.). I was more...lax and normal rather than super Christian. Beyond that, when DH and I got married tons of coworkers said I was too young, too immature, that I had to be pregnant, that I would be divorced in a year. It pissed me off, and I really tried to stay away from that with A. I would obviously warn her if I saw something seriously troubling, but while they were moving fast for me, like you said, if the top 3 hobbies includes reading the Bible then they care less about compatibility. It's different and while I don't really agree with that, it's not something I was going to judge her for ya know? I just want them to be happy together and everything to be fine. I just miss her as my friend and I'm afraid that this is the end of our friendship.

It might not be though. Once things settle down a bit, I won't have to worry about stressing her out by hanging out and her not getting wedding plans done. So maybe we can do double dates and get to hang out all together. It doesn't really help that DH doesn't like him. I think he's kind of boring myself, but I didn't marry him so if she loves him whatever. I just miss her Thanks for the advice. Hopefully we can keep this friendship going. Time will tell.

Disneygeek77

Hmmm, well I can see both sides.  Maybe he is controlling or maybe he simply said " Hey babe, you've been spending too much time with your family, perhaps it's time to cut some apron strings."  In fact, I do believe it is quite common for pastors to recommend this during premarital counseling. 

Also, I wonder if there is some strange competition between him and her mom over her time and attention.  Yeah it is a bit weird for him to hold on to her so tight, but I also think it is weird that her mom had to drag her away too.  I'm just saying that maybe her family isn't the best unbiased source of info.  Give him the benefit of a doubt.

Aussie45

Ya, well I've known her family for a while. She just asked for A's help for a second in the kitchen and he was being wierd about it. Again, it's through the grapevine so I'm just going to give him a chance no matter what.

Her mom and dad really seem to have warmed up to him though and like him now. At first there probably was some competition, but they all get along well now.