What would you do?

lem03

Hi all, you probably don't remember me since I haven't posted often, but I need some outside opinions... any thoughts would be much appreciated.

So, my DD goes to day care three days a week and stays with my mom one day a week. Today, while she was with my mom, my mom was ironing and left the hot iron sitting on the ironing board. My DD pulled on the cord and the iron fell on her. She has first and second degree burns up and down her whole arm. She is going to be fine, but I'm pretty upset about it. My DH is also really upset. He thinks it was really poor judgement to leave a hot iron unattended near a toddler, and I agree! He also wonders why she was ironing while babysitting, since she only babysits one day a week. She could get the ironing done some other time. This is the second time DD has been injured while in my mom's care. Last December, my mom was holding her while posing for a picture at a Christmas party, and dropped her. She hit her head really hard. That was distressing too, but that kind of thing could happen to anyone. I feel like the iron thing should not have happened. That was an accident too, but that's an accident that could easily have been avoided. My mom had a minor stroke two years ago, and while she usually seems totally fine, there are times when she seems a little out of it, and I'm wondering if today was one of those times.

Anyway, I don't know what to do now. My DH wants to put DD in day care full time and not leave her with my mom anymore. I am also feeling worried about leaving her with my mom, but at the same time, they have so much fun together. They garden and go to the zoo and do all kinds of fun stuff, and I like that she gets one-on-one attention. She gets stressed out at day care because she doesn't like noisy environments, so I prefer minimizing the number of days she's in day care. But now I'm going to be worrying all the time when she's with my mom that my mom will have another episode of poor judgement and something bad will happen.

What would you do in this situation?

Holly_1007

Yikes. That is a tough situation. I guess I'm confused how your daughter was left in a room with a hot iron? Or was it just that your mother was on the other side of the room and couldn't reach her in time? Regardless, I agree with you,that was very careless. I tend to go a bit overboard though with the safety things. Who watches your daughter on the 5th day? I think at this age one additional day at daycare shouldn't be that big of an adjustment. If your daughter isn't doing well at her current daycare maybe you should consider a daycare switch at the same time. Good luck.

hmp1

Can your mom watch her at your house? That would eliminate the distraction of what she has to get done.
Do you have other daycare options? Perhaps she would do better in a smaller class/ environment than her current place that stresses her. If you haven't looked around in a while, you might find something else that fits her personality better vs what you liked best when she was an infant.

smb+jab

I am in a similar situation as you, in that i want to put DS in full time day care but my DH is not on board  (yet...).  In our case, DS is with MIL who also cares for her mother full time and so we know that he is not getting much attention over there.  plus he comes home cranky and usually hungry (as he wont eat there) - however MIL throws an all out fit (like cries to DH like a toddler) if she does not get DS for her time.   

I guess the question to you is would your mom understand if you put her in full time daycare / school?  As mentioned above MIL throws fits, but my mom would completely understand as she knows its best for DS as this age to be in a setting with kids his own age (even my mom who was a stay at home mom sent me to school starting at age two for half days - so i would learn social skills).  Now i know you mentioned your child already goes three days, one extra day could only benefit her more.

the second question would be does she like her school?  Does she have friends in her class?  or is it maybe time to make a switch?  a school / day care that she likes to attend could make the difference and this situation easier if that is an issue...  I do have a friend who i was just talking to this past weekend and she is making a switch for her two year old b/c her daycare / school just isn't working out for her daughter and she isn't happy there: so this age could be a perfect time to make a move.  

melody921

I would put her in daycare for the extra day. The more she's in that environment, the less she's going to be stressed out by the noise. But it also might be a good idea to look into new centers if you don't feel like this one is a perfect fit for her. I wouldn't be able to take the anxiety of feeling like my child wasn't safe. As you said, accidents happen, but if your mom isn't being as careful as you like, it's a recipe for disaster.

starrysmile18

I agree with the other ladies. Put her in daycare. It just seems to be the safest option for you guys.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's hard. My sister has had similar issues with our mom caring for my niece! It always gets sticky when dealing with family members!

GL!

Nita2603

Yeah, there is no way my kids would stay after that. I am not a worrier or even overly careful with the boys, but after getting dropped and burned with an iron? Nope. That goose is cooked.

Your mom can still have fun with her - with you around.

Hyaline

There's really only one question here.  Do you trust your mom to adequately care for your child?  One accident does not, IMO, mean you pull the plug.  If it's truly an isolated accident and a scenario in which she was being careful but something went wrong (like something broke or she tripped and didn't reach LO in time), it's the kind of thing that could happen to anyone--including you.  But if that one accident is representative of a bigger issue--she's not as careful as she should be, maybe she's even getting to a point in her own aging that she's getting absent-minded--then you should absolutely switch.  You mention the stroke, and it sounds like, maybe, if you're honest with yourself, you know she shouldn't be left unattended with small kids.  

The question of whether the daycare she's in now is a good fit--you say she gets stressed out--is a separate one.  She's there three days a week, and one more doesn't change whether it's ultimately a good fit or not.  Maybe it's time to go daycare shopping--perhaps a smaller center or an in-home choice or a nanny would be better?  And maybe that makes a good transition to moving her to daycare all the time without your mom's help: "Mom, we're starting a new center in October, and with that change, we're also moving LO to full-time with them."  

That said, I do think that your conversation with her should focus on doing what's best for both your child and her--not that she's unsafe so sayonara.  Your child's safety is paramount, but her relationship with her grandmother is very, very important to--as is your relationship with your mom.  Don't feel guilty for taking her feelings into consideration.

willy_gert

I think hyaline is right.  

DH's mom has Alzheimer's and cannot care for herself.  We know that when Luci is with FIL and MIL she isn't necessarily being watched 100% of the time.  We finally talk to FIL about it and our concerns and he put his own safety measures in place that made us much more comfortable.  They only watch her on occasion, like once a month or less, but it made us much more comfortable on those occasions.

I think you need to talk to your mom and tell her that you won't be upset if she doesn't feel she can do it anymore.  Your DD's safety is highly important and maybe your mom can come hang out with you guys on the weekend or something.  

The best thing you can do is be real with your mom about your concerns and talk to your DH.  Is he just upset because his little girl got hurt, or is this a non negotiable thing for him?  Would he be willing to spend a Saturday or Sunday with all of you so that your mom and DD can still hang out?

watercolor5

Go with your gut.  If you feel like it was a one-time (or two-time) mistake, then forgive your mom and move past it.  If you are truly worried that her past stroke is impacting her ability to take on your child all day, then find another arrangement.

I love the idea of a nanny, because it could allow your mom to still spend that time with you child, with another adult present.  (If the nanny is willing to tag-along to the zoo, or take a couple hours off so your mom could still have that fun time.)

Pokedot

I have one question and  I'm sorry if someone already asked but who's idea was it to have your mom watch your DD initially? Her idea or yours?

I feel like the iron thing was obviously not the best thing for her to be doing but you also can't tell her when she can do her household chores. My son goes to my parent's house a few times a week depending on my H's schedule. My mom does laundry, cleaning when he's there but at the same time involving him. She'd never iron when he's around unless it was nap time.

I would sympathize with your mom becuase I'm sure she feels awful then ask if she feels like that one day a week is too much. You'd love for her to spend time with DD but maybe the whole day is too much time lately. Tell her you're thinking of full time DC and she what she says. She might be overwhelmed too but is too scared to say anything. GL and let us know what happens.

tinyhumantoe

If these two incidents happened with my mom or MIL, I would sit down with her and speak with her (moreso about the iron incident) to state: if something like this would happen again it would result in me not feeling like I'm putting LO in safe care... and I'd have to make a change which would break my heart.  I would beg her to please use caution. 

The way I would look at it (again, if it were my mom) is that the first accident was a mistake, and the second accident was completely preventable (something that would never happen if LO were in my care because I don't and would not leave a hot item out unattended, even for a second). 

LO really benefits from the one on one time she gets from my MIL.  They sing songs, read books, and cuddle - all things that are different than what she gets the other 4 days at daycare.  If it wasn't a question of competency, I would have a 'be more careful' talk with my mom/MIL and give another chance. 

tinyhumantoe

My post really butchered the English language... sorry!

MRoxy0628

I disagree @Pokedot‌. Whether she asked to watch her granddaughter or was asked, she committed to it and I don't think she should be doing household chores whilst watching her. While she's napping, sure, but when she's awake, no. I'm not saying not throwing in a load of laundry or something quick, but ironing takes time.

I agree with other about how to handle it. I'm sorry you're having to address this OP.

Hyaline

MRoxy0628 said:

I disagree @Pokedot‌. Whether she asked to watch her granddaughter or was asked, she committed to it and I don't think she should be doing household chores whilst watching her. While she's napping, sure, but when she's awake, no. I'm not saying not throwing in a load of laundry or something quick, but ironing takes time. I agree with other about how to handle it. I'm sorry you're having to address this OP.

It's (I assume) free childcare.  I would never expect a family member doing me a favor by watching my kid to behave any differently than I do at home with her--I do chores, laundry, etc; I'm not 100% devoted to entertaining her every moment of the day. Don't you do housework when you're home with your LO?   Now, paying someone?  Yeah, I'm paying you to create an engaging environment for my child, not to get paid to do your laundry.

Totally off-topic.  But this bugged me.  

MRoxy0628

Hyaline said:

MRoxy0628 said:

I disagree @Pokedot‌. Whether she asked to watch her granddaughter or was asked, she committed to it and I don't think she should be doing household chores whilst watching her. While she's napping, sure, but when she's awake, no. I'm not saying not throwing in a load of laundry or something quick, but ironing takes time.

I agree with other about how to handle it. I'm sorry you're having to address this OP.

It's (I assume) free childcare.  I would never expect a family member doing me a favor by watching my kid to behave any differently than I do at home with her--I do chores, laundry, etc; I'm not 100% devoted to entertaining her every moment of the day. Don't you do housework when you're home with your LO?   Now, paying someone?  Yeah, I'm paying you to create an engaging environment for my child, not to get paid to do your laundry.

Totally off-topic.  But this bugged me.  

Sorry it bugged you, it's just my opinion. And if it was a family member doing me a favor every day by watching my child, I probably wouldn't mind them doing household chores, but it's one day a week and the OP said they were wondering why she was ironing. I think it's an arrangement each family needs to make and it's personal preference. But I do think I get a say in what someone does when they're watching my child whether it's free or paid.

lem03

Thanks for the input, all! I really appreciate hearing some outside perspectives. After having a day to get over my initial freak out, I really feel like I want to give her another chance, maybe with a discussion of how we can prevent something like that from happening again. However, my husband still feels like we can't trust her to keep DD safe. He is a worrier to begin with, and seeing his baby with a bandage covering her whole arm is really upsetting. My mom came with me to today's Dr. appointment (we have to take DD every day for the next week) and we talked about it a bit more. She said that she'd understand if we want to put DD in day care full time, but she'd be sad about it. And I'd be sad about it too! One of the reasons we moved close to my parents was so that they could get lots of quality time with DD. My grandma babysat me when I was a kid, so this is something that's really special to me. It's sad to think that my mom might not be up to the task.

To give a little backstory, my mom was a doctor and had no plans to retire, but then she had her stroke on the day DD was born, while she was with me in the hospital while I was in labor. She recovered pretty quickly, but decided that she wasn't up to going back to work full time. She also felt like she had gotten a second chance in some ways, and she wanted to spend time more time with family and less time working. So that was when she offered to watch DD one day a week. It was all she felt up for at the time, but it worked out perfectly because I work 4 days/week and we were able to get a day care spot for 3 days/week. It has worked wonderfully for the most part. And yes, it's free childcare. Healthwise, she has seemed totally back to normal for the last year or so, except for occasionally forgetting things. And it sounds like that's what happened in this case. She had finished ironing but forgot to turn the iron off. Since she thought the iron was off, she wasn't watching as closely.

Anyway, we'll have to think more about it and figure out what to do. I do think that my mom would be extra careful now. But I'm still waffling back and forth, because this was a pretty serious and totally preventable injury. She's beating herself up about it for sure. I think she would agree to a no-ironing-while-babysitting rule. Or to watching DD at our house, which is much more child proofed than her house is. But of course, we have to figure out something that DH is comfortable with too. Maybe we should look into hiring a nanny or something like that. That's a good suggestion. Thanks again for all of the input.

Pokedot

MRoxy0628 said:

MRoxy0628 said:

I disagree @Pokedot‌. Whether she asked to watch her granddaughter or was asked, she committed to it and I don't think she should be doing household chores whilst watching her. While she's napping, sure, but when she's awake, no. I'm not saying not throwing in a load of laundry or something quick, but ironing takes time. I agree with other about how to handle it. I'm sorry you're having to address this OP.

It's (I assume) free childcare.  I would never expect a family member doing me a favor by watching my kid to behave any differently than I do at home with her--I do chores, laundry, etc; I'm not 100% devoted to entertaining her every moment of the day. Don't you do housework when you're home with your LO?   Now, paying someone?  Yeah, I'm paying you to create an engaging environment for my child, not to get paid to do your laundry.

Totally off-topic.  But this bugged me.  

Sorry it bugged you, it's just my opinion. And if it was a family member doing me a favor every day by watching my child, I probably wouldn't mind them doing household chores, but it's one day a week and the OP said they were wondering why she was ironing. I think it's an arrangement each family needs to make and it's personal preference. But I do think I get a say in what someone does when they're watching my child whether it's free or paid.

I get what your saying Roxy but this could have been an isolate incident. Is it righ to iron when a young child is around no however I've done it once. In a pinch. We have no idea if it was one shirt or a whole load of laundry. I do household chores all the time while B is home with me. Granted this is one day a week. B goes to my mom's several times a week. Do I tell her she can't do dishes, throw in a load of laundry vacuum? No. We pay her to watch our child, interact with him and also let him play on his own. I still stand by my statement that I see nothing wrong with doing chores while you're watching someone else's child. Paid or not. Ironing isn't one thing I'd be comfortable with and I'd let my mom know that.

melody921

Hyaline said:

MRoxy0628 said:

I disagree @Pokedot‌. Whether she asked to watch her granddaughter or was asked, she committed to it and I don't think she should be doing household chores whilst watching her. While she's napping, sure, but when she's awake, no. I'm not saying not throwing in a load of laundry or something quick, but ironing takes time. I agree with other about how to handle it. I'm sorry you're having to address this OP.

It's (I assume) free childcare.  I would never expect a family member doing me a favor by watching my kid to behave any differently than I do at home with her--I do chores, laundry, etc; I'm not 100% devoted to entertaining her every moment of the day. Don't you do housework when you're home with your LO?   Now, paying someone?  Yeah, I'm paying you to create an engaging environment for my child, not to get paid to do your laundry.

Totally off-topic.  But this bugged me.  

Yeah, I'm with @hyaline on this one. If she's watching LO for free, I'd still expect safety, obviously, but I wouldn't view it the same way as if I were paying someone and she was devoting all her attention to my child. I'm always doing chores when home with the kids bc that's the one time to get them done.