Help with moving forward

freeatlast2014

Hi I'm coming here cause I know at some point you have BTDT with single parenting/co parenting.

I am in the process of a divorce and I must vacate the property. I make very little money and my ex works off the books so I won't be getting much help from him. I live in his town now, where he grew up and his family lives. He has a ton of support when he has our 2 and 3 year old boys. He does 2 nights EOW and dinner from 4:30 to 6:30 twice per week. He picks them up from daycare those 2 nights.

I currently work about half hour from where we live. I am part time (soon to go full time I hope). My kids go to daycare 3 days and his mom watches them 1 day in our town. I am home the 5th day.

Here is my dilemma. I can't afford to stay in this town. My family is about 45 mins to an hour away. I can afford rent in that town where I will have a ton of help. But, it's far from daycare and far from him.

My commute would go something like this: leave home 6:45a at daycare by 7:45am at work by 8:30a. Going home leave work 4:30 at daycare by 5pm home by 6:30p.

I have tried to find places to live closer to work/BD. They are either too pricey or dives or I know absolutely no one. So, I can take a place like that.

I could switch daycares (since I drive past my work to bring them to daycare) but that would hinder his dinners.

Or, I do this crazy drive for as long as possible until I lose my marbles. Or find a closer job (which at that point I would put them in a daycare closer to where I live). Or hang in there until sept when both kids can go to daycare at my job (it's not the greatest but it's ok).

I guess how important is it to have family help - where I can go out one night, go to the gym, have company for dinner. The trade off is that long commute and living further from BD.

I know this is long. It's crunch time for me and I need to decide. I am sick and losing sleep. This apartment I found has no parking in a shitty town to park in, no washer dryer, and no dishwasher either. But 3 blocks walk from my mom. Help!!

cole2144

1st step is to you need to notify him of your intention to move at lest 30 days ahead of time. He can oppose the move legally and you may have to go to court over it.

freeatlast2014

He has been notified well in advance. He knows. My decision to make is whether this is a good move for me or should I look elsewhere. He's the one kicking me out of our home.

cole2144

You don`t need to get defensive, I was advising you to go through the proper channels so it does not bite you in the ass later.

Mkherren12

If I were in your shoes I'd move closer to your family. I'd also find a new job and daycare in that town. To me there is no sense commuting an hour one way everyday. Maybe make the drive in the beginning but work on getting everything moved closer to your new home. Good luck

freeatlast2014

cole2144 said:

You don`t need to get defensive, I was advising you to go through the proper channels so it does not bite you in the ass later.

I'm not defensive toward you...just bitter about this.

freeatlast2014

Mkherren12 said:

If I were in your shoes I'd move closer to your family. I'd also find a new job and daycare in that town. To me there is no sense commuting an hour one way everyday. Maybe make the drive in the beginning but work on getting everything moved closer to your new home. Good luck

It's really not my job that is the problem - it's the daycare. And I was afraid of too many changes for the kids but I like this idea if it's not too much for them. And there are places closer I can apply to for work at a future point in time to make things even easier...

freeatlast2014

Oh and @Mkherren12‌ I'm also afraid that my moving the daycare will make him blame me for not seeing the kids as much cause the dinners will become a huge pain in the ass for him. But - he knows this may happen cause right now this is a logistical nightmare for me.

Ilumine

Do you have a lawyer?  Because honestly, if he is the one making you leave the house, then he has to deal with the fall out.  

ambrvan

freeatlast2014 said:

Oh and @Mkherren12‌ I'm also afraid that my moving the daycare will make him blame me for not seeing the kids as much cause the dinners will become a huge pain in the ass for him. But - he knows this may happen cause right now this is a logistical nightmare for me.

That's on him. Your job is to not hinder visitation and keep open lines of communication for him and the kids. Your job is not to go out of your way to make it easy on him.

That being said, when I moved a couple years ago (not as a single parent, just moving), my commute was about 45 mins, having to be at work by 7a, not getting of till 5p. I kept DS's daycare close to my work so that I could get there quickly in an emergency. When I found a job closer to my new home, I found a baby sitter until daycare opened up in that vicinity.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

Emren

Sorry to hear about your long drive into work. That can get old really fast. I hope you find something that works well for your whole family and I think its great that your kids can still see their dad. Hope it all works out.

((Hugs and Love))

Emren0316

dmndsr4eva

When I first split with BD I moved an 1 hour away from his house.  Because my son was not in school we arranged for him to be with BD about 8 nights a month.  We would meet at the halfway point. 

 

However, now that my son will be starting kindergarten soon I decided to move back to the town where BD lives.  So that my son can see his dad frequently and his dad will be involved in daily activities. 

I am not very close with my family so it was a fairly easy decision.  Had I been close with my family and had more family support I may have stayed in the other town.  But for me I decided after 2.5 years that the best decision was to live and work near BD.

dmndsr4eva

When I moved an hour away I immediately filed for temporary custody in the new city.  There was no issue BD did not try to fight it.  That same week I moved he worked with my attorney to sort out a temporary visitation schedule. 

freeatlast2014

To answer some questions: I do have an attorney. She is basically of the mentality to just concede sign and be done with things. In my heart I feel she has given up.

I spoke with my job and they are going to work out a flex schedule which is awesome and a huge weight of my shoulders.

I plan to take the place by my family. I can move and settle in then look for a closer daycare (either to my home or my job. My job will be closer to my ex so we shall see). And when my financial situation improves, I can consider moving closer to him. The schools by my family aren't the greatest so it's not a long term solution.

I just don't understand how he is not willing to pay a little toward rent to keep the kids closer. I offered this. He wants to do everything in his power to hurt me financially but doesn't realize or doesn't care the impact it will have on our little boys. This is so hard.

Wahoo

You need to do what is best for you.  You are the primary caregiver.  The fact that your stbx only has the kids EOW, kicked you and the boys out of the family home, and you are uncertain about the support you will get - while he still lives in the same town shows where his priorities are.  

Yes, your ex may "blame" you for not seeing the kids, but ultimately it is his choice to see his children or not.  I'm sure him "blaming" you for things that don't go right for him is a pattern - now it is no longer our responsibility to make his life easier (obviously, you should not KEEP the boys from their dad, but that is different than making decisions that are better for you and the boys)  If you move 45 minutes away, his drive to see the kids 1 night per week is 45 minutes - I drove a longer commute than that to work every single day for years.  

This pre-and-post divorce time is going to be a huge adjustment for you.  You need to take any help and support where you can get it.  As the primary caregiver it is best if you spend as much time with the boys to ensure their lives are as steady as possible.

Also, if you are unhappy with your lawyer, I advise you to switch.  You can wait until you have used up the retainer amount if you are worried about getting it back.  

freeatlast2014

Thanks @Wahoo‌ . I'm seeing 1 more place tomorrow that is closer to work and him and daycare. Not to make life easier on him, but the easy commute will make life easier on me. If not, 10/1 I will be moving by my mom.

As for my lawyer, I've blown through a retainer, a replenishment of the retainer, and I now owe her several thousand more. I would love to switch but I am in so deep and I have no idea how I'm even going to pay her what I owe her. She sucks and I feel she is politically motivated by not fighting him but I can't prove it nor can I afford to make the change I know in my Heart I should make. Ugh. Being broke sucks.

WLJ2

I'm sure everything's different depending on where you live but I didn't have to move until our divorce was final. Do you have something legally telling you that you have to move?

If it were me I would move closer to family. I think having that support is so important. Even if it just means having someone close to talk with, have coffee or watch LO while you grocery shop.

How far out of your way is the current daycare? Depending on that I probably wouldn't change that unless I took a new job closer to home. I had an hour commute for a while shortly after my divorce and once I was able to find a daycare by work life felt a little less stressful.