How to deal with friends struggling with fertility?

jab9371

So, I am 13 weeks and pregnant at 43, first time. After my next sonogram, Oct 2, I plan to send out my announcments about the birth of our healthy baby girl. ( Matern21 results came back great). I have several friends and colleagues who I know our struggling with getting pregnant and some are up to 15 years younger than me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about getting pregnant so quickly and easily at my age, I actually think it is miraculous! But, I know if I was in their shoes, it could sting a bit. I don't plan to be proactive with a conversation, I think I will wait until the announcments go out, let those friends process the info, and take it from there should they reach out.

Anyone else deal with this on either end? Would appreciate any advice.

topaz7777

I struggled with IF with both children.  I know for myself if it was a close friend, I would want them to tell me personally and individually.  Think of the other person's feelings.  My sister got pregnant right away with both children, and even from her, I was excited for her... but I was very very sad.  I cried.  It took me about 3 days to get over myself and be able to be happy for her and stop feeling sorry for my situation.  It's hard to be happy for someone else when it's a big struggle.  I have had one friend who asked me when she told me to let her know if I wanted her to keep her baby news to herself, and offered to change her status settings on facebook so that her every baby update wasn't in my face, and I appreciated that.  They also understood when I sent a gift instead of attending their baby showers.  If you are considering the other person's feelings and can empathize even a little, then you are doing it right. 

jab9371

@Topaz777 thank you. Good news is I am not planning on putting anything on FB. Not my style, although I am sure I will post a pic at some event I am at with a growing bump, and possibly a birth photo, but not tons of updates on my pregnancy.

One is a close friend, so I will probably tell her face to face. Another girlfriend I have who had a baby in Nov, but had a miscarriage prior told me that yes it can be sad, but your friends will be happy for you. I just want to be as emphathetic as possible.

marijaa333

I'm not from a culture that does announcements so perhaps I'm the wrong person to ask this, but do you have to formally announce? I plan to tell friends as I see them, or otherwise call or send personal emails to let my faraway friends know. I think a one-on-one conversation leaves more room for sensitivity. It's nice of you to be so considerate and thoughtful about this.

jab9371

I am def telling my closest friends face to face. I think sending announcements is a personal choice and kind of a new thing to do. I am doing it that way as my husband has a HUGE family, and I don't want to make 75 phone calls, and I don't want anyone to feel left out. This way the masses know all at once, and again, not my style to post major life news on facebook. At 43 and 46, we have a vast network and this way we have our bases covered.

JilliansMoma

This is such a touchy subject and I don't envy you in the least.  

I think that through all my struggles I wanted my friends to be natural around me. Pregnancies are a natural progression of a relationship. For me, I always knew I would be a parent (whether I carried a baby or adopted a baby) so maybe it was easier for me to handle all the announcements I had to face.  It only really shocked me once when my BFF told me about her second.  I had to excuse myself from the table and get it together but I did and I made sure that I always held on to the fact that I would be a mother one day.

I agree that face to face for really good friends is best. I think just because it was easy for you to get PG you shouldn't have to minimize your experience because you are worried about hurting feelings, just be natural and understanding if they have to step back from the friendship to get their head straight.

GL,

JM

ksgsmu

I struggled for over two years and needed lot's of help getting pregnant. Worst time of my life.  I really appreciated my friends who were considerate enough to tell me personally.  I would have been pissed to just get an announcement. Most women over on the IF board will tell you that we prefer to get the news over email/text so we can have a private moment to have a true reaction.  Nothing sucked more than having to pretend to be happy to someone's face then going home and sobbing for an hour.   They will end up being supportive of you but give them the time to do so.  Don't force them to talk about it and don't be surprised if they pull back a bit. It isn't you... it is just part of dealing with IF and unless you go through it it is difficult to understand  it.

It is nice that you are thinking of your friends that are struggling- all the best!

jab9371

I really appreciate all the helpful and honest answers ladies. I just joined this community, and I appreciate the thoughtfulness and candor. I lurked on a few other boards, and I was shocked at some of the hateful responses. Hate to say it, but I think age might be a factor. Think I will stick to this board. Although I know I am older and have some life experience, I am CLUELESS on this baby stuff, so I appreciate the expert advice. :-)

marijaa333

I know some lovely 25 year olds so don't lose hope for today's youth. And yes, some of the other boards are ridiculous.

GingerMommy315

I am going through this same situation right now too.  I got pregnant shockingly easily, but have a couple friends who have been trying for a while.  I am going to tell them in person because I think it would be weird for them to hear it any other way.  I am just going to be as sensitive about it as I possibly can. 

A few years ago I was 34, single, had just been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  Within months of me finding out about my disease all three of my best friends got engaged and I spent the next two years planning all of their showers/bachelorettes/weddings. It was a really tough time for me, but I had to try to be happy for them.  I wasn't always successful, I struggled, and I had my fair share of private cry sessions. But I'm glad that I was there for them in their happy times. 

When I think about my life now, it hard to believe how much everything has changed in just a few years. I never saw it coming!  I try to think about this when I feel guilt about my friends that are struggling... their turn could come at any time!  I hope and pray that it comes soon.  But until then, all I can do is try to be as sensitive as I can to their feelings. 

Mrs.McIrish

It took us 3.5 years and 8 rounds of IVF (ultimately DE) to finally stay pregnant with these twins. So I've been around the IF community for a long time. Unfortunately, infertility is something you can never fully understand if it hasn't been something you personally experienced. People who tell you that others suffering will still be happy for you are not really correct in my opinion. You can be happy for someone perhaps but you can't be happy "with" them. In person announcements were absolutely horrific for me. If you know someone has an extended IF history, I beg you not to do it in person. A nice email is better saying you will give them time and space and acknowledge that getting the news is hard. I'll be honest--my day would be ruined when I heard someone was easily pregnant.

I'm also wondering what you mean by sending out announcements??? Birth announcements are send after birth-- I've never, ever received a "we are expecting" card in the mail. That seems odd to me and looks like you are looking for gifts--I'd be wondering why someone would send it otherwise.

BeckyP005

I agree with McIrish on sending a nice email and everything she had said about what to write. I don't think I could of handled a face to face announcement but we are all different. Like ksgsmu said some of us need that private moment to take it all in.

I'm 46 and also used donor eggs. Sadly I was a bitter and angry person when I found out my 3 good friends got PG even though I knew they were trying. I actually sent one friend an email and said I'm not in a good place right now so I had to back off for a short while. Pretty awful huh?

I wish you luck and let us know how it goes! Oh and I have heard pp sending out announcements to let friends/family know they are expecting

supersarah77

I have a follow up question to this: how do you feel NOW about hearing others are pregnant? Did your feelings about it change after you got pregnant/had kids yourself or is it still preferable to get news via email?

topaz7777

I think the delivery in person or via email/ or some other distant but private communication depends on how close a friend you are and the type of relationship you have with each other.  I do agree though, I was happy for my friends... and my sister.  But I was definitely not happy with her.  I couldn't be in the moment.  The excitement didn't mount as she got closer, I just became more and more frustrated at my lack of success.  It's a very personal and very difficult emotional struggle to go through IF.

ksgsmu

supersarah77  to be honest IF is something that just magically goes away when you get pregnant.  I will always bear the scars of infertility and loss.  It isn't something you get over.  While I am better with seeing pregnancy announcements if I feel they are insensitive or just too much ( example.. someone posting they are pregnant at 6 weeks, constant baby bump pictures etc..) it still really irks me. I usually unfollow their feeds on facebook.  I know most of the time these women are just ignorant of the struggles of others and while they are certainly entitiled to share their news any way they want I am also entitled to my feelings about it and can unfollow their feeds etc. 

jab9371

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I will tell my friend over the phone or in person and not send an annoucement. (As I stated before, pregnancy announcements are a personal choice, and for me, a good way to communciate to a vast network of friends and family at the same time, there is no reference to a registry or wanting gifts, but if someone wants to send me a congratulatory card, as a true Southern Woman, I love the thoughfulness of a hand written note sent through the mail!) From the responses it is clear everyone's journey is different as their emotional response to it. I will be polite and tactful. :-)

2ndGeneration

 I haven't dealt with the IF aspect so much, but at this point in my life ( I;m also 43), what I found is that many of my age friends have the door closed on pregnancy whether they want one or not. Meaning, menopause (or perimenopause) or long-ago sterilization surgery or relationship breakdowns. I also have a few friends for whom kids just didn't happen and aren't going to.
 So I kind of did what you are thinking about OP, I was pretty quiet about it during the first tri (I've had losses also) but around 13 weeks, I put it on Facebook. My feeling was that friends could process it and choose to respond or not or just do whatever they needed to do personally. It was a very simple announcement-just the basics. And then I just let it be, just kind of went on. Most friends were very positive right away, a few were quiet for awhile and I respected that, only one made a crack at me.

 So I think your plan is a good one.

Mrs.McIrish

supersarah77 said:

I have a follow up question to this: how do you feel NOW about hearing others are pregnant? Did your feelings about it change after you got pregnant/had kids yourself or is it still preferable to get news via email?

I've talked to a lot of IF ladies over the years and the general consensus is that IF never really leaves you. It changes you forever. I can't say how I will feel long term but there are triggers that I think will always sting. It has been easier for me lately to hear of other people's pregnancies because fingers crossed, I will be holding my babies in 8 weeks or less. These will be my only babies and 2 is all I ever wanted so I'm happy to close the TTC door. But I know a lot of IF ladies who had one but wanted more and can't have another. So pregnancy announcements are still tough for them and they'd still want the email. I think what I hate the most are people who boast about getting pg easily. It's not like they had a special skill--they were simply lucky and shoving that in people's faces is what gets me. Or posting a thousand posts about pg on FB.