Working Moms

Mean Girls

DD1 is in her second year of pre-K at the same school as last year.  Last year, there were a couple of issues with 2 "mean girls" - saying that they didn't want to be friends with her, she couldn't play with them, etc.

The same 2 girls are in her class this year.  We just started week 2, and it has started already.  She was told that she couldn't play with them because her hair is different.  She was sad and confused, and said, "I don't understand. I have beautiful hair.  Why can't I play with them?"  I was happy that she showed a little confidence, but so pissed that they're already giving her a hard time.

I told her to just stay away from them, but there are only 14 kids in the class, so that might be hard.  When she asked what she should do when they say she can be their friend that day, I told her that it's up to her.  She doesn't have to play with them, but she can if she wants.  I also told her that they don't sound like very good friends. 

Any advice?  Should I alert the teacher?  I want to cry.  It's too early for this.  She's only 4.  =((

Re: Mean Girls

  • I agree make the teacher aware.  But also, you are doing a great job making this a teachable moment at home.  It's really important that we teach all children, but especially girls, to stand up for themselves.  We've had to deal a similar but opposite issue both in K and now in 1st.  Each year we've had a girl tell my daughter she couldn't play with anyone else.  And she wants to play with everyone.  We role play at home so my daughter can practice what to say and how to say it in a nice but firm way.  We talk a lot about how she doesn't have to be friends with everyone but she needs to be kind to all. 

    I know how easy it is to be mama bear but keep up the good work helping her navigate these issues.   

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  • Yes, tell the teacher.  Any teacher worth their salt will take your concern seriously and will address it as a class.  My now-first-grader had an issue like this last year in kindergarten...luckily she had an experienced teacher who addressed it right away and I haven't heard anything about it from DD since.
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  • Talk to the teacher, but you are doing a great job working with your daughter on it as well. My daughter is the same age and had a couple of older girls in the neighborhood do something similar. It makes DD so upset because she doesn't understand.  Does this make anyone else's stomach churn like mine does? I hate that kids have to deal with this!
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  • Thank you all for your responses.  I did email the teacher, and she responded back to me almost immediately.  She said that she and her assistant teacher will observe the kids more closely during center time, and intervene where necessary. 

    I have such a hard time knowing the right thing to say at home.  After this had happened a few times last year, DD1 and another girl told one of the offenders that she couldn't play with them, and we made a HUGE deal of it at home.  From her reaction, she already knew that what she'd done was wrong, and took steps to make it right (colored the little girl a picture and gave it to her when she apologized). 

    I feel like my mom handled this stuff so well when I was a kid and it was my turn to be targeted by the bully.  She gave great advice, I followed it, and the bully left me alone.  But I was 12, not 4.  @PrivacyWanted - I will check that out.  How sad that we need tools like this...
  • That sucks!
    I bought Kidpower Safety Comics for DS. It has age appropriate advice for dealing with bullies. DS loves it and asks to read it almost daily.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • That sucks! 

    good luck with getting this all figured out and good job instilling confidence in your daughter!
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  • Definitely talk to the teacher. I had a similar issue with my son when he was in pre-k last year, a couple of boys were telling him he couldn't play with them because he stutters (he's in speech therapy). The teacher did a huge lesson on bullying and started reading the class a book, "How Full is your Bucket," the kids version. My son and I still reference it when he gets mad at me or I get mad at him. It made a huge difference and the class actually built much stronger friendships and the bullying stopped all around.
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  • This starts at That age! OMG...I didn't think that my baby girl would ever have to go through this till middle school gah
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  • Ugh.  This type of mean girl behavior worries me so much.  My girls are 4 and 2 and so far I haven't experienced it much.  I also very specifically remember one time I wore a tied dyed shirt to 3rd grade because everyone was wearing them but mine was awful and they made fun of me for it.  That kind of stuff sticks with you.  Girls suck. 
  • This worries me too. We want to protect our children so much, but all we can do is prepare them for situations like this.  It sounds like you're doing an amazing job!
  • Great advice above and taking it all in! I just wanted to say that I am sorry you and your DD are dealing with this crap already. DS had 2 boys in his 4 yo class that were mean to him (and some others) and it took the teacher's intervention and some parental involvement to get it straight. Speak up and you are doing a great job in teaching your DD to be confident. W

    Hang in there! 
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  • Great advice from everyone!  I'm also just taking it in.  I'll admit - this got me a little teary-eyed thinking of my 4 month old and how 4 years is not that far away!

    The fact that she asks you how SHE should act when they decide they want to play with her, sounds like you are doing something right!  I'm guessing she asked that because she knows it's not nice to leave someone out, so she didn't want to do that to them, even though they keep doing that to her.  She sounds like a very sweet little girl!
  • Ugh!!! I have a three year old dd and I'm dreading this. I've already taught her that it's unacceptable to leave others out and make them feel alone. As a teacher (third grade) I see this too often. One thing we need is to teach our kids to be assertive as well. It will get them far!
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  • Also, a cute, funny book about a kid confronting bullies is "Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon."  DS got it from Dolly Parton's Imagination Library a few years ago, and we really like it.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • I love Dolly's Imagination Library.
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