Adding stress on top of IF

Mrs.Ess

***loss mentioned***

Hi ladies. So I just started stims for IVF#1 today. The only people who know we are doing IVF are my parents and one close girlfriend. I haven't told my siblings or other close friends for various reasons, although they are all well aware of our lengthy struggle and loss this spring and many know that IVF was something we were considering.

My sister is in the middle of a messy divorce. I won't get in to the details but it's been very hard on her and I know she's been struggling. I have tried to be there for her but I literally feel like I have nothing left to give. I am so exhausted by my own stress that I have not really been very emotionally available to anyone recently.

I am finding myself drained and dreading the conversations that seem to repeat the same ongoing issues she is dealing with. I just feel like I have nothing useful to offer and end up absorbing her stress into my own. I feel like I sound like a terrible person saying
this, but it's how I feel. I am just at my limit right now.

She (along with my friends) never asks how things are going with my IF and I have actually attempted to share with her what's happening but I always feel as though she (and most of our family/friends) thinks our problem with IF is some minuscule issue. I swear I feel like I'm floating on IF Island all alone sometimes.

This is such a critical point for me to be starting IVF and I just really want to focus on staying positive and surrounding myself with positive energy and support, but I feel bogged down by these things. I feel like such an asshole for saying this but I just wish for once I felt like I could just be responsible for my own stress and shut the rest of it out . I don't really want to tell her about the IVF but I feel like that the closest I will get to her understanding what I'm dealing with right now.

What would you do? Can anyone relate?

Sunny B

Believe me I understand. We had the world crashing in during our 2ww and I literally couldn't speak to anyone after we got our BFN. I was just so angry about all the stress we were under during the time where we were supposed to be radiating positivity. Do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Mrs.Ess

@IFinTN‌ that is a lot to deal with on your plate. I am sorry about your friend, your dog, and your feet. I am so glad I'm not the only one who shuts down sometimes.

You are correct; I can't do that completely with my LO and my DH helps. But the rest of it is just beyond my capacity right now. Ugh.

Toriables

I feel the same way, everyone I talk to needs a major biology lesson. If one more well-meaning aunt asks why we don't have kids, then suggests I take my temperature or sleep with my hips up on a pillow. I'm sorry your sister is going through that, but it understand the need to preserve your own strength. That's why I vent on these boards. You ladies get it!

Mrs.Ess

Thank you so much for responding. Thank goodness for this group, it is so isolating to feel like nobody understands what you're going through. You guys made me feel so much better and less like a jerk. I just really needed someone to get it and you all do!!

Mrs.Ess

Toriables said:

I feel the same way, everyone I talk to needs a major biology lesson. If one more well-meaning aunt asks why we don't have kids, then suggests I take my temperature or sleep with my hips up on a pillow. I'm sorry your sister is going through that, but it understand the need to preserve your own strength. That's why I vent on these boards. You ladies get it!

I hate the unsolicited advice from clueless people. When my DH mentioned to His dad that we were deciding IVF, FIL told me I was brainwashed to think we needed that kind of treatment, that we just needed to relax, and then in the next breath joked about needing a vasectomy to avoid getting his newest younger girlfriend pregnant.

:-O

Yep. I don't know how I managed not to tell him to go eff off... But I did give him a small piece of my mind.

daydreamernyc

@mrs.ess I can definitely relate. There is only so much capacity you have at any given point and it's completely natural to feel like you need to check out and take a break. Heck, a true vacation with no email access is certainly a way ppl check out that have not reached the breaking point it sounds like you are at right now. 

I would be honest with your sister and tell her that you really want to be there for her and support her fully but you are dealing with a lot of emotions yourself and having a hard time working through it. Therefore you can't be as present as you would ideally like to be. Or something along those lines. If you just check out completely, she might not understand later. (In this case, even an email would be ok if it's easier than a conversation). I say that because some ppl just don't understand IF at all, don't understand how emotional it is and will discount it. 

 Take a deep breath, pull yourself out of the situation and ask yourself, what will my sister truly understand, either now or looking back later. Then take all the time you need. Take a few days off of work if you can swing it. Go for a walk to get fresh air. I always find that if you do some form of exercise that it's a break from everything. And, of course, know that you have a whole board going through similar emotions at various levels of intensity

Mrs.Ess

@daydreamernyc‌ I think I am going to email her something like what you said. I am afraid if I don't explain she will feel hurt. And actually we just booked a vacation for next month. It will be after this cycle so either I'll be a mess from BFN or with any luck be pregnant. Either way we need it so bad and it's nice to have something to looks forward to regardless of how this turns out

lebradford

((hugs))

Also, **loss mentioned**



I can relate a lot. I had an ectopic pregnancy a couple of months ago and we're about to start IVF too. I just found out a neighbor/somewhat friend is going through a divorce (I didn't hear it from her). I thought I should reach out and offer her some support, but then I realized I don't have much mental energy left to involve myself in other people's issues. I know what you mean about feeling bad for feeling that way, but I think we have to look out for ourselves. I want IVF to be as tranquil as possible (which I know won't be very tranquil), but I'm doing everything I can to lower my stress, even if it means being somewhat selfish.

I actually relate to what you said about possibly telling more people so they will have a better idea what you're going through. I recently came to that conclusion too. I did decide to tell many more people, but I haven't fully executed my plan yet. I do think it would be nice if you could tell your sister. However, I think you should (try to) be mentally prepared for her to still not understand. I don't think many people who haven't gone through it realize how mentally tough IVF (or IF in general) can be. You might want to explicitly tell her that this is really hard and stressful and that you're going to kind of just pull in your shell and chill for the next month or so. Maybe that would tip her off that you're not as available to be her support system right now.

Good luck with whatever you decide. :-)

siempre595

I totally get it.  My best friend is about to file for divorce after finding out her husband has been cheating for years with multiple people.  She's a bit dramatic about everything that is going on.  I can empathize with her situation, but I don't think she can empathize well with mine.  I had a near cancellation of my cycle and was rather upset, I texted her and her reply was "sorry….i'm so anxious about meeting this lawyer."  That was it.  Just "sorry".  SIGH.  It can be hard.  Sometimes I feel like we are playing the pain olympics as to who has a crappier life tragedy happening.  I try to stay away from that feeling.  Both things are crappy and important.  I'm not close with my family, so other than a few close friends and my husband, I don't have a big support system.  I have one other friend who is single, no kids that has been helpful to me, just to talk about day to day things.  She's medical so she understands the details which is nice.  I'd find other people to talk to if you can, maybe a friend who is in a stable place in life (if anyone is!).  You have to try to be there for your sister, but some days it's ok to not answer the phone or just call back later.  

Mrs.Ess

I'm so sorry you guys are feeling this as well, it's hard.

I emailed my sister because I was jus feeling really guilty. I tried to explain and she took it well. She did tell me she has wanted to ask how I'm doing but doesn't feel like she knows the right things to say. We are just taking it one day at a time I suppose.

I hope you guys are able to find some relief from all the pressure!

KM721

A few thoughts come to mind as I read this thread. 

First, my sister-in-law, who although she has no IF experience is an absolutely amazing support system, encouraged me once when I was in a similar place, feeling like I didn't have anything left. She explained it as--IF is like this entity in your life that deserves attention--just like your job, your marriage, etc. It sometimes takes up way more energy than those things. Unfortunately, it is invisible to most people. But, I think it is just fine to limit your energies to your most important items. Your sister's divorce may not be one of those items all the time. 

On the topic of sharing with people, we decided to share that we were doing IVF with our siblings (DH and I each have 2 brothers) and parents right around the start of our first treatment. At the time, I felt like we needed to scream from the rooftops what we were going through. However, now about 4 months later and still no pregnancy, I somewhat regret our decision. At the beginning it seemed like the shots would be so disruptive to life that we would HAVE to tell people. They really weren't for us. At the beginning it felt like people knowing about our situation would help them to understand. And, as others have mentioned, they really don't. As we get further into the process, I feel like it's a burden to share things with people who haven't been in the trenches with us. Really, I feel like DH and my sister-in-law and I are the only ones who know pretty much everything, and our moms know most stuff. Everybody else feels like a burden to share news with. I have had my sister-in-law inform people about the results of our last cycle (BFN). I don't know. It's a tough decision, but I guess my advice would be to just tell people that you know can give you the support you need, and use caution from there. 

Sorry for the long post! Sorry you're feeling this way. 

Mrs.Ess

@KM721‌ you hit the nail on the head. I feel exactly the same. I was so tempted to finally just tell all of my family and close friends but I don't want to deal with the questions and moments when it's not going well. I just feel that ultimately it protects me more to keep most of it to myself.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and good luck!!