among the babies

catwine

When my husband decided we were ready for a baby none of our other friends were of the same mindset.  A few months ago I reconnected with a friend who lives near us and she just had a baby last month.  She is planning to have us over for a BBQ soon and invite another couple from church who also have a baby, and the woman is pregnant with her second.  Now H and I are the currently childless couple among our new group of friends and I don't like it!    I'm a little nervous the BBQ will be a lot of baby related talk and I'm not really looking forward to it.  Our friends hosting know we are hoping to get pregnant soon, so I'm sure she will be sensitive and not ask us dumb questions. Has anyone else become the childless couple in their circle of friends?  How do you deal with it?

nandaboob06

While I have children I am of the mindset that unless I have a child related question or someone asks me about my children, I dont bring them up unless its relevent. You can either grin and bare it or change the subject. At least thats what we did pre children.

hullabalou

I'm younger than most of my friends and most people my age aren't thinking about babies yet. My SIL and my best friend each have 4 children. I have three friends currently pregnant. It is sometimes difficult to be around so many other kids and I get a pang of jealousy now and then, but I know that their fertility has no bearing on mine and I just count myself as lucky to be a part of watching so many babies grow into awesome people. They do know about my losses and for the most part are very sensitive to them and understanding if I am having a rough day. I hope your group of friends is the same way!

catwine

My grandma actually asked us (in front of my mom) when we are having kids.  And I wanted to say something snarky but I didn't, since nobody in  our families know what we are up to. I think my answer was something like "oh, not for a while" which I suppose is true.

VeganOnTuesdays

LongLiveTheEvilQueen said:

catwine said:

My grandma actually asked us (in front of my mom) when we are having kids.  And I wanted to say something snarky but I didn't, since nobody in  our families know what we are up to. I think my answer was something like "oh, not for a while" which I suppose is true.

My grandparents did this in June at my sister's graduation party. I'm pretty much came up with a bunch of excuses on why it's not a good time.

My grandma asked me when we were having kids at the gift opening of my WEDDING. what gives man.

PrimRoseMama

We are the last couple in our circle to have kids. Before DD I got play with, distract & help feed the babies at friendly functions. Parents got a bit of a break & I got to give the kids back .

Our friends are pretty good about talking about all different kinds of things. However, baby related talk is just where they are at right now (your friends). I understood that at the time & it's a good idea to remember that you might have that time too.

My job is SAHM. A lot of my time is devoted to my kids so it's usually a conversation starter for me. For my childless friends I usually start with jobs, pets & then asking about their hobbies. I try to let them do a lot of the talking because, honestly, it's great to hear new things.

I have SAHM friends at Playgroup to chat about potty training, tantrums & the OMFG's of Parenting. I like to talk about other things sometimes.

The friends that tend to rattle on about only child related things may feel a little insecure? There are days I don't know my own name or what day of the week it is. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not as "with it" outside of my mothering role. I watch BBC & read the paper-- but sometimes I worry that my childless friends or acquaintances may pigeon-hole me as "just a SAHM". So that could be part of the chatter?

VeganOnTuesdays

As for my friends with kids, I honestly just live vicariously through them for now. I change the subject when it's getting to be too much but otherwise I just go with the flow. I tend to use a lot humor in my day to day so if I feel like they are talking too much baby I usually throw a funny remark out there and they get the hint. GL at your BBQ I hope it goes well!

courtyowl427

We have both children with friends and those child free by choice. I find that my friends with kids really don't want to talk about their kids. They look forward to adult time and adult conversation. I had a friend with a newborn once ask that we please talk about anything not baby related as she was going stir crazy with a toddler and newborn, and just wanted to be herself for a little while. Figure out what you'll say if people ask. Other then that just focus on stuff you talked about before kids. There has to be a reason you were friends in the first place, right?

nandaboob06

PrimRoseMama said:

We are the last couple in our circle to have kids. Before DD I got play with, distract & help feed the babies at friendly functions. Parents got a bit of a break & I got to give the kids back .

Our friends are pretty good about talking about all different kinds of things. However, baby related talk is just where they are at right now (your friends). I understood that at the time & it's a good idea to remember that you might have that time too.

My job is SAHM. A lot of my time is devoted to my kids so it's usually a conversation starter for me. For my childless friends I usually start with jobs, pets & then asking about their hobbies. I try to let them do a lot of the talking because, honestly, it's great to hear new things.

I have SAHM friends at Playgroup to chat about potty training, tantrums & the OMFG's of Parenting. I like to talk about other things sometimes.

The friends that tend to rattle on about only child related things may feel a little insecure? There are days I don't know my own name or what day of the week it is. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not as "with it" outside of my mothering role. I watch BBC & read the paper-- but sometimes I worry that my childless friends or acquaintances may pigeon-hole me as "just a SAHM". So that could be part of the chatter?

You say things so beautifully, @PrimRoseMama‌

PrimRoseMama

@nandaboob06‌ : thank you!

divinemsbee

Most of our local friends are through H's work. In his line of work it's really common to get married and start having kids early, so by the time they're my age most people are either finished or finishing having their kids. The women with newborns or young children tend to be a good 5 years younger than me. Some really want to talk babies and some don't.

The culture there is part of why we've started being pretty open about what we're going through. After my 2nd miscarriage (which no one knew about so I'm not mad about this) at a function someone passed a baby to me and started talking about how H and I should hurry up. Nope. I just realized I couldn't do that again, so we've leaked the bare bones of what we have going on around.

I do think the one thing to remember is that if people know you're trying you're in for some ridiculous advice even from really smart people.

virginiaorjohn

robotpcr said:

At the moment I pretty much avoid our friends with kids/who are pregnant.  But I've been struggling with my loss and it's just been super painful.  Prior to that I really just enjoyed being around them but also being able to pass them back to their parents when they got fussy.  As for baby/pregnancy talk I've found if you show polite interest but aren't overly enthusiastic it tends to stop.

I'm with you @robotpcr‌. Lately all of my friends are pregnant, have a newborn, or are already done with their 3 or 4 kids. We are one of the last childless couples. I just don't have the emotional energy to keep my mask on when someone announces their 2nd pregnancy. I keep to my two besties and my SIL, all three of which know we are TTC. Other than that, I'm turning down invites because I just can't do it anymore, and I don't feel bad about it. It's what I need right now and that's okay.

And as for baby/pregnancy talk, I just laugh it off with a "oh, we'll get there eventually" and then I change the subject to get the other person talking about themselves.

Although a friend (who doesn't know we are TTC) told me that there's already a rumor going around about us saying we are infertile. Started by a girl I don't even know except seeing her at parties maybe 1-2x/year. Sometimes I hate small towns.

DawnLilly

I'm different. I don't get to see one of my close friends often. Her daughter is a year younger than my son. If we go out, I want to hear about her, her work, her husband, her family (her mom and dad are like aunt and uncle to me) and I can not for the life of me get her out of "mommy mode". You might find another woman at this event in the same position. I love talking about DS but I want to talk about other things as well. Go in with an open mind and ask non-child related questions so that they know you are interested in them as a person as well. Not just their mommy role. You may be surprised that they are taken aback and excited to talk about other things as well. It's refreshing.

EDIT: because auto correct is not as smart as it thinks it is.

maybeemama

DawnLilly said:

Go in with an open mind and ask non-child related questions so that they know you are interested in them as a person as well. Not just their mommy role.

This is what I always do when we are over at my sister's house and her friends are talking exclusively about mommy stuff. So I will ask if anyone has seen (fill in blank) movie. They all look at me like I'm speaking another language for a minute, and then they remember that their lives are not ALL about this kids, and we have a good time.

Alyssa7012

I feel like, in regards to this, we went full circle.

Technically we were the first couple with a child due to sd who is 6. We were the ones who couldnt hang because we had a kid. Now, both of the other couples have 1 year olds, so they do things together with the babies and we are yet again out of the loop because our kid is too old to play with theirs. So, yeah. Im stuck in limboland.

daystardreams

I am and have always been the childless one. I had five very best friends. One got pregnant and delivered in October of our senior year. The next pregnant one, got pregnant over the summer after we graduated and had a baby my freshman year of college. My sophomore year of college, everybody was pregnant! The one that had a baby in high school had another, then the remaining three also got pregnant. All four of the babies were born in July/August. My brother also became a daddy at that time. All of their babies are turning four this year (several have went on to have more) and I still have none. 

I just adjusted. Yes, we talk about babies, toddlers, preschool all the time! I'm a preschool teacher though. I tried to make non-baby having friends but I just like my original ones more. After my loss, however, we had a talk about baby showers and how sometimes babies make me sad. The ones I talked to were very understanding. It is hard, I sort of feel alienated sometimes and I do stay home more often now. I'd like to add though, that I went to all of the oldest children's birthday parties this month, it was hard to see the babies and pregnant mommas but I ended up having a lot of fun!