Anyone having trouble relating to "fertiles"?

LO95

Okay, so I'm fresh at this.  Like, fresh enough that I probably shouldn't be thinking of myself as a PAIFer.  But that said, I am doing my best to think positively and do "normal" 1st tri things- like get excited.  (I am excited, but I am a nervous wreck.)  I jumped on to my BMB and was hard-pressed to find many people (if any at all today?) who were not "fertiles".  Their excitement and confidence is so seriously ODD to me.  Like, they are as fresh as I am.  Shouldn't they be worried like I am?  But I guess that's the other piece of this infertility experience.  You don't take anything for granted.  And I suppose in my case I will be more surprised if everything works out than if it doesn't.  

So for those who are in a better place than me, have you found that you've fallen into "normal" things as you've reached the milestones?  Do you still have a hard time with folks who just "get pregnant"?  I suppose these are things I'm struggling with right now...  Just curious what it becomes as you progress.

mmhopeful

It is hard.  I stayed away from my birthmonth group and stuck to PAIF and MULTIPLES boards only.  I still find it hard hearing of other's success but at the same time I am FOREVER grateful for the little miracles I am carrying.  They mean the world and I can relate so much better here among women who understand "the journey".  I still cling to 3TC and the IF boards as a grad and know that their support is what got me here.   

MKateG

I don't think those IF feelings and fears ever completely go away, we are who we are because of our experiences... I am 20wks with twins and am very excited and have bought some things for my LOs but I still can't believe it's really happening and I'll have two babies in a few short months. I'm very open about IF and our having done IVF 3 times so fertiles that I'm around know what I've gone through and don't say things that they normally may. But ppls initial reaction when I say I'm having twins drives me insane! Its like can't you be positive!? NO I'M NOT SCARED, NO I DIDN'T FREAK OUT WHEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS TWINS! But it is hard to hear others telling everyone they are preg and they are like 7wks or something and over the moon excited buying clothes already its just incomprehensible for me that they can be so sure everything will be fine

Momarazzi007

We never really told anyone, but recently there was a stupid status thing where if you "were dumb enough to care and comment" you had to choose a status to post- one of them a false pregnancy claim. I let her know it was insensitive and glad she never had to deal with infertility- but for the women seeing crap like that on FB it was just another slap in the face. I am still scared as hell. I can't stand being on bmb, I like it here where I can lurk and support women who get it.

southernyankeegirl

This is totally normal. We have an infertility check-in on Jan15 (though with my change in screen name, most got erased) and I know @jaztastic‌ runs one on Feb15. It helps to vent sometimes to others who just kind of feel like outsiders to all the fertile ladies.

There's a whole experience of being PAIF that is just different than normal pregnant ladies, and not anything I knew to expect. Beyond the fear of losing such a long fought for pregnancy, there's also often a sense of guilt for getting pregnant when fellow infertiles are still fighting.

Some things get easier, in my experience - it took until 12 weeks until I started to believe this would stick. Pregnancy announcements on Facebook don't sting quite as much (though still a little). But I still hide people who post weekly bump pictures or ultrasound pictures or whine about pregnancy symptoms. And I don't post much of anything myself on Facebook - I am always conscious that my posts may inadvertently hurt others. I also feel uncomfortable asking for help, talking about the pregnancy with friends, and complaining about anything to anyone other than DH.

FishyMom

For me I feel like I'm a pretty normal pregnant lady. It did take me a while to feel comfy, but at about 20-24 weeks or so I felt much like a normal pregnant lady. I am pretty active on my BMB but those boards are HARD in the beginning. I think not does get easier but you never forget and sometimes comments still sting. Hang in there I'm sure it will get easier.

jaztastic

Completely normal! I didn't settle down some until after my NT scan... And even now I am a wreck. What helped me was having my cycle buddies on IF board to talk to, the ladies on 3T encouragement, and this board. I was very open in my intro about IF on my BMB, and one of the first post I made was calling all fertility treatment gals. You would be surprised how many of "us" there are.

You will always have your struggles in the back of your mind, and trust me when I say 1st tri is HARD! But several ladies will testify that I went through some rough days. Lean on those of us around you. @southernyankeegirl kept me sane many a days. Lol 

Btw, I've mentioned "ferties" and the "I started trying this morning, and got pregnant this afternoon" people in my UOs and FFFCs. Hang in there! 

Neesey

I think my bmb is getting easier the further along I get. I don't think I took a breath until we got through the maternity21 and nt scan. We announced last week and I'm still not 100% comfortable talking to people about it. My mom struggled too as did my sister and both said they didn't relax until after their babies were born.

pblge

I've been reading this post with interest, wondering if I'll feel better eventually. There are a couple of people on my BMB who are on baby #5-7, and I really just want to reach through the computer and smack them, especially when they're derisive and dismissive of normal first timer fears.

The main reason I'm responding here is to say that we've started a Infertility/TTTC check-in group for the April 15 moms. Let me know if you want me to include you in the next post! (Tuesdays, sorta by accident).

@jaztastic - WTH is FFFC?!?!

Mrs.McIrish

It will always make me uncomfortable... I went to a bridal shower last week and was talking to a pg friend of the bride. She made a comment about how the bride had to get KU'd ASAP.. Ummm, that crap will always irritate me!!! This comment was made after I said these will be my only babies as it took a miracle to get them with years of treatment. Fertiles will never understand what it's like on the other side.

jaztastic

@pblge‌ Flame Free Friday Confessions (most of the community boards do them)

southernyankeegirl

pblge said:

I've been reading this post with interest, wondering if I'll feel better eventually. There are a couple of people on my BMB who are on baby #5-7, and I really just want to reach through the computer and smack them, especially when they're derisive and dismissive of normal first timer fears.

The main reason I'm responding here is to say that we've started a Infertility/TTTC check-in group for the April 15 moms. Let me know if you want me to include you in the next post! (Tuesdays, sorta by accident).

@jaztastic - WTH is FFFC?!?!

Those posters bug me too.  The ones who bug me the most, however, are Moms whose LOs are within the range of where we could have potentially had a child if we had been luckier.  If someone with a 1 year old pulls the whole, "Oh, you won't understand until you're a Mom!" I want to smack a bitch.

Lady2010

It definitely has affected me - I am don't want anything on FB related to my pregnancy (maybe after viability at 24 weeks but even then not sure).  

And horrible as I feel about it - I definitely feel a stab of jealousy/envy/anger/frustration, etc when I hear of people getting pregnant with no problem or on accident.  It also really annoys / upsets me when those who do know of our struggles tell me - oh, I bet you will have no trouble getting pregnant a 2nd time.  Really?  Because it took us 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and if we do decide to have a 2nd, I will be that much older - so how does that mean I will get pregnant right away?  And I realize that I am relatively fortunate in that it only took 2 1/2 years and not longer.  (let alone we don't even know if we would have a 2nd given how hard this has all been)

I also get annoyed when people tell me I should read Expecting Better (Emily Oster) or that I really can have some of the taboo items.  You know what - I bet I could but I am not about to take ANY chances whatsoever given what it took to get here.

I think IF brain never goes away.  It will always be part of us in some way or form.

ajlmom

I'm 25 weeks tmr and finally almost feeling like a normal prego, and not as jealous of ppl who are very fertile. My BMB got easier as I got further along. That's why I hang out on both boards, here we can all relate because of what we've been through, but the BMB is also nice because our timelines are similar.

I remember coming here at week 5 or 6 and got great advice from other PAIFers who were further along, it's amazing now I can do the same thing, like give advice on PIO shots that I barely remember taking!

I wish you all the best of luck, hope you get over the initial insecurity period and have a happy and healthy pregnancy

southernyankeegirl

Want to know the most annoying thing I have been told this week?

We are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend, and one of my friends said, "See? Pregnant by your second anniversary! There was no need for all that worrying, you just had to be patient!"

Um, well, without that worrying which drove me to fertility treatments, and the $$$$ we spent on several failed cycles to finally get our BFP, I highly doubt I would have been pregnant by my second anniversary. And we went off birth control 6 months before our wedding, soooo there! Bite me!

absolutelymaybe

I felt that way at first (during the first tri mostly), but honestly am having a harder time connecting to PAIFers now. I just feel like I'm pregnant now...just like every other pregnant woman out there no matter how I conceived. Honestly, it's a relief. I feel normal for a change. I love it.

WA1215

I feel like I'm not able to connect with people on my BMB, mostly because those who haven't gone through IF are so non chalant about topics us IFers freak out about. They just don't get it and never will. As far as feeling comfortable, and not worrying, it's very hard! I have been told by family that I'm not even showing yet...and why aren't I feeling any movement? Those comments freak me out even more and make me feel like somethings wrong. IF has taken away the happiness and excitement fertiles have. Instead of looking forward to and wanting to celebrate after our AS appointment next week, we are being cautious and we will "wait to see how the appointment goes". IF sucks, but I have to keep telling myself that we will get through this, and it will make me stronger and appreciate the struggle someday!

hopeby2015

I have a relative who keeps asking when I'll make it fb official .. it drives me nuts sometimes! I'm 20 wks tomorrow and I'm still so nervous!! B.w now and v-day seems like a lifetime away! Anything can happen! And no one seems to understand this. I don't wanna announce to the world we're having a baby and then 2 weeks later (God forbid) we lost the baby. It would be hard enough dealing with it on our own, let alone with people on fb! Fertiles just don't understand!

beachy6

I'll be 24 weeks tomorrow and I'm still a nervous mess. Fertiles don't understand and, in reality, I wouldn't wish they had to understand. This feeling of not being able to enjoy a pregnancy isn't something that is normal for most women. For us, however, it's just a part of the pregnancy routine.

I'm pretty sure that I'll worry about something or other until our baby arrives. I set small milestones that we celebrate and I love those days. It doesn't really make me feel like a "normal" pregnant woman, rather it lets me celebrate the smaller milestones that many pregnant women take for granted.

Being an infertile pregnant woman is hard, but remember how strong you had to be to get through treatments. That same strength will get you through your pregnancy with only a few crazy moments and maybe even a little grace somewhere in there!!

jaztastic

@WA1215‌ we are both F15 right?

chickyclg

I have mentioned it a couple of times on my BMB (Feb15) about the IF envy. It still bothers me when I hear about "honeymoon" babies too.

WA1215

jaztastic said:

@WA1215‌ we are both F15 right?

Yes!

SKLH

I've found myself feeling pretty "normal" until a random subject will come up about "how many more kids are you gonna have" or when girls make the comment of "I think I'm gonna wait until so and so is 9 months so our kids are x amount of time spaced apart" and I realize I do NOT belong on those conversations.

justjinny

I'd say I don't feel too bothered by infertility now, but I also didn't really let myself get excited until after our anatomy scan and around the 20-24wk mark.  Even now that I've had months to let it sink in that I'm pregnant and am starting to get uncomfortable with my size, I still have moments where I think "I can't believe I'm actually pregnant!  How cool!".  I don't know if non IF'ers get to have those moments like we do.

I'm not super active on the boards but do lurk on my BMB frequently. Now that everyone's in the third trimester I feel like I can relate to the FTM's who are asking the same kinds of questions about birth etc. that I have. I feel like I'm in some weird limbo of being a FTM and STM at the same time.

I've tried a few times to lurk on the 2u2 board, but haven't joined in the conversation yet.  Now there's a board full of fertile!  I think one of the GTKY's was "how long did it take you between kids to get pregnant"...  So yeah, I haven't been able to relate to those conversations yet and might not ever be able to.

ktinmd

This sounds exactly how I've been feeling. We spontaneously got pregnant after 7 years of infertility and being turned down for IVF from two seperate fertility docs. Im only 9 weeks and I am terrified about buying anything and still shy away from people who pregnancy came so easily to. I feel guilty for not going through ivf when my other IF friends have gone through great lengths for their children. My best friend is also IF and I cried telling her because of the guilt. She has been so supportive but i know that feeling when one more person announces they are pregnant. I don't think ill stop worrying until this baby is in my arms.

jkayb123

I'm so glad this convo was started. I was on my bmb and seriously appalled at not only the things these ladies were complaining about (things we typically love!) but also how they treated each other. O. M. G. Some of those ladies have horrible attitudes! Who cares if it's a stupid question, I've had more than my fair share on this and the multiples board and no one treats me like that. I've been too nervous intimidated to post anything over there for fear of being bullied, that's terrible. Thank goodness for all you kind ladies!!

LO95

Girl, preach. @jkayb123 I was just saying to someone that my BMB has a few nasty Bs who have no idea how lucky they are.  They ripped a girl a new one today and, while I am not usually Internet-confrontational, I totally went back at them because this girl was an IVFer and that's a sisterhood you don't eff with.

shirleymaeby

@LO95 - I think we're on the same BMB!

The hardest thing for me to get used to so far is how entirely different it is from the 3T board where I've been spending all my time.  It is totally overwhelming how many women are due that month.  It's super weird how many drive-bys there are trying to get you to read their HPT for them.  Also, it is weird to see so many women either get their feelings hurt and lash out over literally nothing at all, or the opposite of that where someone asks a simple question and they get torn to shreds over it.  It definitely doesn't feel like a community as much as 3T does.  I already feel homesick for that board but don't want to come off like I'm flaunting my BFP in their faces.  Oh yeah, and then there are all the m/c posts.  I don't have a problem with people posting that they're "out", they definitely deserve love and support.  But it really proves the statistic that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first weeks.  It took me so long to get here...I am terrified of something going wrong.

I assume that over the course of our pregnancies we will start to connect more and find a more community like tone.  It's still early days and we have another two weeks minimum of new ladies showing up with BFPs and unfortunately some leaving because of losses.  I hope we find something to bond over.

southernyankeegirl

@kmdecoux‌ - may I suggest starting an Infertility Check-in on your BMB? It can help identify fellow infertility survivors who might share similar feelings.

My BMB was nutty at first but give it a month or so and the regs will be more established and the crazies will have mostly simmered down.

shirleymaeby

@southernyankeegirl - I'm late to the M15 party.  Another 3T grad already beat me to it.  

I have been lurking a lot on the BMB today and I've started realizing just what you said...it will take a few months to weed out the "crazies".  Today was a particularly eventful day on May '15.  I will say this...it may not be as warm and cuddly as 3T but there is no lack of entertainment.