Learning to trust after lies.

WonderWomanAbbey

This thread might be something that everyone is tired of hearing about. I get that. No one need reply or respond. But, there are only so many places to get this stuff off my chest. Safe places. And this, I consider one. Some of you might remember my thread about the cheating lying coward. I'm hoping I was wrong.

My partner lied to me. He was talking to some girl from work behind my back. He's told me over and over that "nothing happened", that he isn't interested in her, that she was just a friend. That he didn't tell me about her because I was in such a bad place that he didn't want to risk me feeling worse about him making a female friend. He's since blocked her on his phone, on Facebook, sworn not to speak to her at work unless he has to.

I don't know what to do. I love him, and I'm weeks away from giving birth to our son. I want this to work. I want to go into that delivery room with my best friend and partner, I want to bring my little boy home to his big brother and a whole family. But I don't know how to do this part.

How do you trust someone after lies? How do you rebuild that? Can you?

The insecurities are hardcore. The vulnerability feels crushing at times. The doubt is like a tidal wave.

I want to believe in him. I want to believe that he cares about our family enough to never make a mistake like this again. I want to believe that we can make it through my depression and his secret. It's all just a lot to take on so close to my due date.

I'm sorry to rant. But no one really understands what it's like to have your body and mind invaded like my ladies here.

dobbysmom

As someone who was in a semi similar situation I don't have an answer, but don't let him tell you what it was or wasn't. My ex-husband convinced me for years that his betrayals weren't cheating and I was overreacting because he never actually slept with anyone (as far as I ever found out at least) it wasn't until I really started taking ownership for my feelings of betrayal that I could cope with it. And allowed myself to be properly angry about it. Your feelings, whatever they are are valid and he needs to be able to apologize, make amends and not minimize you.

You deserve respect and not having to second guess someone's true self. If you can forgive, don't forget. Protect yourself and your kids. Just having a father around isn't worth having a shitty father around. Good luck.

conradraging

I was in a similar situation (before we got married so not the exact same). You can get the trust back. Some days will be harder than others. And you need to be patient with yourself. And with him. And he needs to be patient with you too. There isn't a magic eraser. There isn't an easy way to move past it. But you have to believe that it isn't going to happen again. Really, truly believe it. Some days you will be fine. Others you will convince yourself it's happening again, whether it is or isn't. But those days will come less and less over time if you let yourself forgive.

I'm sorry that youre going through this. If you both want to make it work, I hope that you are able to.

WonderWomanAbbey

This is all crazy helpful. I've been so in my head, and getting it out and hearing these things is definitely helping.

Him and I have faced many challenges together. He was my best friend before we even started dating. I don't want to raise my kids with anyone else and, even though we're in a difficult place right now, at our good times we have a kind of happiness together that I've never experienced before and don't think I could with anyone else. I want us to be able to find each other again.

I think the biggest piece of advice I've taken from this so far is really forgiving him. I will say, I've been guilty of that - bringing up old arguments, slights, and mistakes in the middle of something completely unrelated. That is definitely my first and biggest hurdle.

hizah05

I don't have advice that's much different than any offered here but I am truly sorry you are going through this. I would definitely look into counseling.

I really hope you find a solution that works for you and makes you happy. Don't stay with someone just because you have a baby though. Stay because you love him and he loves and respects you.

MrsLaLaBug

I echo all that has been said already. But I'll still put a voodoo hex on his ass if you need me to. Nobody messes with us S14 bishes!!

teenybean

look into retrouvaille.org

It is a catholic fellowship, but open to all. It is a peer based, volunteer run organization for troubled marriages/relationships. It is incredibly powerful and you'll find all walks of life, problems encountered etc. It honestly saved my marriage when communication was failing us. But its also saved relationships that have encountered cheating, lying, death, drugs etc. Its free, although they ask for donation if you can afford it, but even if not you won't be turned away and it offers lifelong ongoing support via couples who volunteer to be a lifeline and ongoing support groups.

And also counseling, though I have no direct experience with cheating, may you find your answers and keep your family whole! prayers and good wishes.

WonderWomanAbbey

Thank you, everyone. Really. The love and support from people who really get it is so helpful.

bethybeach

First I am sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine being pregnant and having that stress as well.

 I think you know in your heart whether you trust that he is being honest and wants to make it work.  But I agree with PPs if you FORGIVE you MUST FORGIVE.  You can't hold it against him forever.  And seek counseling, if he is unwilling to go, red flag #1 for me.

Immediate action of blocking her etc. could be from guilt but honestly he has to follow through with continuing his actions to show that he wants to be a part of this relationship.  From your prior posts I don't know if you are blaming yourself more or that is a direct reflection of what he said to you, making you feel like what he did was your fault.  That bothers me and puts up another flag if that is what was happening.

Question, you have to ask yourself, when times get tough is this what is going to happen in the future.  Rather than him supporting you in your tough times he is reaching out to others for support for him, where does that leave you.  Third red flag to me if you aren't supporting each other through the bad times.

Good luck and I don't think you have to make any decisions overnight, take care of yourself and that baby and take it one step at a time. Do what makes you comfortable for now and save the heavy decisions for later.

jg1011

hizah05 said:

I don't have advice that's much different than any offered here but I am truly sorry you are going through this. I would definitely look into counseling. I really hope you find a solution that works for you and makes you happy. Don't stay with someone just because you have a baby though. Stay because you love him and he loves and respects you.

Everyone gave you great advice. Counseling---alone, together, or both will be critical as will what you acknowledge above.....moving on completely. I couldn't do that with my ex-h and it proved to me that although I couldn't see it at the time, our divorce was the right move. I am sorry you are going through this---especially while pregnant. I just want you to know you are in my prayers.

Lindsaylyons87

My husband cheated on me one night back when we were dating and it took a long time to be able to trust him again...even though we are married now I used to sometimes get paranoid and snoop through his phone for reassurance...not because I didn't trust him still but because of my own insecurities...now I don't ever think to snoop because I reassured myself enough times where I'm secure in our marriage...counseling I think would be a great way to work through things!! Good luck!!

GeminiJordan

I don't blame you at all for feeling the way that you do, just be thankful that nothing physically happened. This could end up being a good thing that brings you and DH closer, he could take a lot from this experience and grow from a boy to a man. I suggest you both go to couple counseling you need to make sure he knows how hurt you are over the terrible situation!