Autism acceptance

kcisthebombdotcom

So I've been reading lots of articles lately written by higher functioning people on the spectrum. Many encourage parents to let their child stim because it's their way of helping to process this confusing world. As fate would have it I was redirecting dd from stimming a few weeks ago and she shot me this look like I broke her heart. I haven't stopped her since. I plan on continuing therapy (of course) but I fear that she will be resentful of me trying to change her someday. Part of me wants to discourage things that will make her life harder and part of me feels some things I should just let go. Anyone have a similar internal conflict?

typeset

I look at the 15% employment statistic. Part of my job is to give him the tools he needs to get through an interview, to teach him that while he's an amazing person, there are social expectations and rules. There's a time and a place to stim. Neurodiversity is the ideal. We rarely get there as a society.

If he turns seventeen, becomes an activist, and hates my guts? It'll make for a great college application essay.

typeset

I like the foreign country analogy. If you're going abroad, knowing the language and customs will make life that much easier while preventing you from appearing gauche. Doesn't mean you can't speak your native language when you want.

blondegirl74

Yea, I think trying to teach them that there is a time and place is key. I think it's maybe like any other social rule. I get the acceptance thing, but most people don't do all the things they do in the comfort of there home out in public, kwim?

kcisthebombdotcom

So if your child stims at say a birthday party because the environment is overwhelming to their nervous system, what do you do? Saying you can do it when you get home doesn't really help the child deal with the environment, no?

thetwinkies&Vivi

DH and I have had several conversations about stims/quirks. How much is too much, what should we allow/not allow? We both are fairly quirky people ourselves. Our number one goal is to give her the tools to be the best "her" she can be and to help her to be able to thrive as best she can in the real world. I really like auntie's point in that we can only give her the NT world. I worry though, how much of a chance she has with quirky parents. On an aside, my mother was/is very social and could not accept for the longest time that I was not a social child, and in fact, was a strange bird. It's taking her time to accept the challenges her granddaughter faces, as well as that we are doing for her. I can tell you that the way I was raised didn't help me with my quirks and confidence. 

DD1 has become infatuated with sucking her thumb while rubbing her nose. We've had a few people stop us at the grocery, around town, etc. To make comments about it. I sometimes feel guilty for redirecting her because it helps her calm so much, but again, being a 20's something sucking her thumb and rubbing her face isn't going to get her far.

d.f

My kid isn't incredibly stimmy.  So take this as such.  I don't stop stims unless they become are disruptive or become a major social liability. When he vocally stims I tell him he has the choice to stop or go to his room where it's not directly in my ear.  He usually opts to stop.  Lately he's been chewing on his tongue as a stim and an anxiety response.  I got him a chew stick, pencil topper chews, and plan on talking to his teacher about gum.  He rarely flaps.  When he does it's only for a few seconds so I don't bother with redirecting it.  He's sensory seeking a would sit too close or touch someone's face in lieu of tapping them on the shoulder.  We definitely curb that behavior and teach him the alternative (tapping a shoulder, giving bubble room) because it directly affects other people.

It's a balance, as I'm finding most things are.

kcisthebombdotcom

-auntie- said:

kcisthebombdotcom said:

So if your child stims at say a birthday party because the environment is overwhelming to their nervous system, what do you do? Saying you can do it when you get home doesn't really help the child deal with the environment, no?

Well, the first thing I'd look at is whether being at the party is setting the child up for success. Sometimes as parents, especially if we have the wishes of other children to consider, we push our kids into activities because we want them there- not because they want to be or are able to cope. Sometimes you need to work on getting a child used to smaller gatherings before bigger events- baby steps. Always.

Within the party itself, you could choose to redirect the behavior by offering an activity that fills a similar need that isn't so odd looking. When DS was younger and started to finger play, I offered him something to do with his hands- a small train toy, a pad of paper and marker, a little Lego kit or his hand held gaming system. Other parents I know might take the child for a walk, a swing on the swing set, a big hug- whatever works for that child assuming they're not so uncomfortable they aren't going to cope at some point. I know a couple of older kids who could self settle with a 3 minute trip to flap in a bathroom.

TBH, real growth comes from being a little outside the comfort zone- it's a balance of pushing enough to grow your child to be resilient and independent without overt torture.

For a school aged child, a MGW program that helps the child understand how their actions are responsibile for what others think or them and how they treat them is effective. Typically developing kids will get this with out it being explained, most kids on spectrum need rote instruction around it.

I'm of a mind that sensory is oversold and that most stimming comes from anxiety or boredom- not from SPD. I tend to take a behavioral approach for most things. If my kid is stimming, I have no idea. He does stuff behind his bedroom door- I don't need to know. 

That's a really good idea--I could bring her magnadoodle so she can draw.

kcisthebombdotcom

thetwinkies&Vivi said:

DH and I have had several conversations about stims/quirks. How much is too much, what should we allow/not allow? We both are fairly quirky people ourselves. Our number one goal is to give her the tools to be the best "her" she can be and to help her to be able to thrive as best she can in the real world. I really like auntie's point in that we can only give her the NT world. I worry though, how much of a chance she has with quirky parents. On an aside, my mother was/is very social and could not accept for the longest time that I was not a social child, and in fact, was a strange bird. It's taking her time to accept the challenges her granddaughter faces, as well as that we are doing for her. I can tell you that the way I was raised didn't help me with my quirks and confidence. 

DD1 has become infatuated with sucking her thumb while rubbing her nose. We've had a few people stop us at the grocery, around town, etc. To make comments about it. I sometimes feel guilty for redirecting her because it helps her calm so much, but again, being a 20's something sucking her thumb and rubbing her face isn't going to get her far.

I am a social butterfly as is my oldest child so it is a challenge for me to parent dd for sure. I definitely struggle with wanting to encourage her to interact socially but also giving her time to do her own thing.

hopecounts

kcisthebombdotcom said:

So if your child stims at say a birthday party because the environment is overwhelming to their nervous system, what do you do? Saying you can do it when you get home doesn't really help the child deal with the environment, no?

Depending on what point of the party it is we get her a drink/snack, do a bear hug, step away and do some jumping out of sight in the bathroom, do a potty break to get some quiet, or if it's at the tail end make our excuses and slip out.