"requesting no presents" @ 1 year old birthday party

meld42

Hey all, 

I know this isn't a baby shower, but I know you all will have some ideas on what's appropriate for me to bring to this party. It's a one year old's birthday party, and I babysit him. The mom/host requested no presents, but I obviously need to bring something. She's serving lunch and offering other refreshments etc. Is a hostess gift appropriate? I was planning on a card for the birthday boy, just as a sentiment.. maybe they'll keep them as keepsakes too. 

Basically: what would you bring?

ArgyleBride

I would honor the request. I never bring something when I am asked not to.

Tanget: I hope you really want to go, because she is a bit on shaky ground asking an employee who's paid to watch her son to come to his bday party.

meld42

ArgyleBride said:

I would honor the request. I never bring something when I am asked not to.

Tanget: I hope you really want to go, because she is a bit on shaky ground asking an employee who's paid to watch her son to come to his bday party.

I honestly hadn't even thought of that. I can see how that could get weird in most situations. I love the lil guy and am happy to go!

dufferoo

Yeah, if they requested no gifts, they probably truly want no gifts. I'm with you that I would rather bring something, but you'd probably just be wasting your money.

VOR

Please listen to her. Don't bring a gift. Even a hostess gift. A card for the birthday boy is fine.

divinemsbee

My situation was a bit different because it was for my best friend's daughter (turned 1 this summer), but we ended up doing cash. We were going to do a bond to be put away, but you need a lot of information on someone to buy a bond for them (and it's only done electronically now, so you don't get a paper one). So we did cash to go into the savings/education account that the parents have set up. For her older kids we generally do a book or one toy and then cash for savings. They have a ton of toys and she's always telling me they don't need anything else, so we give something small and money.

neverblushed

I LOATHE the "no gifts please" thing.  I totally get the desire to keep the sheer amount of stuff in your home to a limit -- especially for a one-year-old.  I get the desire to keep the celebration oriented around celebrating the life event or milestone and not about material things.  But there is just no way to handle this that doesn't make someone feel awkward.

I've been to "no gifts" parties where I was -- no $hitting you -- the only person who didn't bring a gift.  I've been to no gifts parties where I guessed wrong and was the only person who did bring a gift.  Both times, I felt like a complete jerk when all I was trying to do was be polite.

ILoveBritney!

Stuck in the box

This is one of those things that I don't "get".  The host doesn't want gifts.  Why is OUR "need" to give something more important than what the host wants?   And why do we worry so much about what other people do/don't do? 

Even if I'm the only one who doesn't bring a gift, I like to think that the host will think "Thank God that at least one person listened to me!".  I honestly don't worry about whether or not other guests - who DIDN'T listen - judge me for doing what I was asked to do. 

ILoveBritney!

somerandomchick said:

Why does the host's need to not fill their house with shit (but still hold a large party) outweigh their guests need to know WTF is expected of them? As a host, your goal is to make your guests feel comfortable. Making your guests feel awkward about whether to bring a gift or if they're going to be the only one who didn't is just bad hospitality. Maybe you're the one person in the world who doesn't give a fuck what people think of you but most of us feel really awkward if we think we did the 'wrong' thing. Even though its doubtful your guests are actually judging each other, it's your job as host not to put that kind of anxiety in people's laps. Plus it's rude to tell people how to spend their money, even just to say 'don't spend it on me'

ALL of this is on the guest, though.  ALL of it.  The host has stated their expectations.  It really is as simple as that.  ALL this other angst is guest driven.  100% guest driven. 

The ONE exception is if the host says "no gifts" then proceeds to still do a gift opening.  Then, yes, the host is making is confusing.  If they say "no gifts" then if guests show up with gifts, they should be put off to the side to be open at another time. 

Lskypeck

I love the idea of bringing flowers for the mother of the birthday boy!

neverblushed

ILoveBritney! said: 

1)  ALL of this is on the guest, though.  ALL of it.  The host has stated their expectations.  It really is as simple as that.  ALL this other angst is guest driven.  100% guest driven. 

2)  The ONE exception is if the host says "no gifts" then proceeds to still do a gift opening.  Then, yes, the host is making is confusing.  If they say "no gifts" then if guests show up with gifts, they should be put off to the side to be open at another time. 

Re: 1)  Actually, it's better for everyone if the host just doesn't mention gifts at all.  Ever. The one exception to this is if the event is a bridal or baby shower, and the guest of honor has a registry.  Then the host can direct people to the registry.

Re: 2) Whenever possible, gifts should be opened in the presence of the person giving the gift, whether the gift is given at a party or not.  Think about it: let's say you go on vacation and find a pair of earrings your friend would love.  You buy them for her.  She's not expecting you to bring her anything from vacation.  She didn't ask for a gift and she certainly didn't say, "hey, DON'T buy me a gift while you're away." She just said nothing.  When you get back and hand your friend the bag with the earrings in it, you'd expect her to open it up and look at them.  It would be very weird if she just stuck the bag in her purse and said "thanks, I'll open this later," right?  Same holds true for gifts given at parties:  

-- If the gift is given at a party that's primarily a gift-giving event, like a shower, then the gifts REALLY must be opened at the shower.  A block of time at the party should be set aside for gift opening and all gifts should be opened at that time. 

-- If the event is not a shower, but still an event at which people traditionally give gifts -- such as a child's birthday -- gifts should be opened all at once at the party.  The one exception to this is when the party has a bunch of very young kids and is held at a location like a gym or bounce-house, and there is limited time/space for gift opening. 

-- If the party is one to which some people may bring gifts but others may not -- such as an adult's birthday, a graduation, or an anniversary -- gifts should be opened at the party, but casually and in the presence of the gift giver.  There should not be a part of the party specifically set aside for gift opening that would make those who did not bring a gift feel uncomfortable. 

If the host says "no gifts," people may still bring gifts.  Hosts have to acknowledge that they can't control people's behavior.  If people still bring gifts, the guest of honor is under some obligation to open those gifts at the party in front of the gift-giver.  By specifying "no gifts" the host has now created a situation in which someone will be forced to behave rudely.  Either the guest of honor will open the gifts, thereby making everyone who followed the "no gift" directive feel like a jerk... OR... the guest of honor will not open the gifts, thereby being a jerk him/herself and making the people who did bring gifts feel like jerks.

Never mentioning gifts -- except to direct people to a registry -- prevents ALL of this awkwardness!! 

meld42

Ahhh I just got all of these notifications, hate being mobile most of the time!

Like many of you said, I am pretty sure we were one of the only couples to not bring a gift... I picked out a card that would mean something to the family- so I put some thought into something! 

But, I opted not to bring flowers or balloons or any other hostess gift because I just felt awkward about it, I knew there would be lots of decorations, I didn't know the color scheme etc.. I felt anything I'd bring would just be in the way and clash with her vision/decorations for her party. 

ETA: Thanks for all the opinions! They really helped me decide!

crunchymamaof2

This is why you NEVER mention gifts, ever. It implies you were expecting them in e first place and puts your guests in an awkward position. Gifts are never required anyways.

cakergirl

Bring a card. It's wierd at age 1 but you could do "a dollar per year of age" for things like this. Keep it minimal, if I were throwing a "no-presents-party" I would be hugely relieved if people actually didnt bring gifts. Nevermind, I somehow missed your update.

Gismo123

I went to a no gifts party and brought a small gift anyway and glad I did because everyone else did too. The gift I brought ended up being the little boys favorite too

The way I look at it is if the parents truly don't want the gifts they can donate them....either way the gift is going to make some child happy.