RANT: Hostile/unsupportive coworkers

snarkylibrarian

I work in a female-dominated workplace (a library), so you'd *think* that my workplace would be family-friendly, right? YEAH, RIGHT.

Most of the people in my workplace are baby boomers and there's only a few of us younger women and men who have kids that are not adults (in a staff of almost 60 people, there's 4 of us - two are dads). The culture in our workplace used to be that women either got FT librarian jobs if they didn't have kids or upper-middle class women got PT Librarian jobs after their kids started school and they needed something to keep them occupied. None of them relied on the job as a major source of income. That was the culture until maybe the last decade or so, but it's ingrained in people's heads that have been around for a long time (average librarian has been working for the system for 15-20 years).

So I'm having two problems right now with my coworkers:

One of the scheduling supervisors is known for giving shit to moms with families and has said on numerous occasions that she chose her career over having kids, because that's what important to her. She's given crap to my coworker who needs time to pump on the job (who had to fight and threaten legal action to get breaks for pumping) and now she's scheduling me for more on-desk hours than anyone else in my department because (as she told my coworker) "pregnancy isn't an excuse for slacking". I have been busting my ass through sleep-deprivation, nausea, and pain to work even harder than I did before I got pregnant so no one will think that I'm slacking. I take on more projects than anyone else in my job class and logged in the most desk hours as well. This supervisor also rolls her eyes and/or leaves the room whenever people ask me about the baby. I talked to my boss about her and she said that "well, so-so has always been that way". I don't think she's technically done anything illegal yet, but she seems downright hostile towards me since I started showing a few weeks ago. What to do?

On the other side of the coin, from the older formally PT Librarian/STM perspectives: Other coworkers have made comments about my decision to work up until my due date and have been encouraging me to take more time off, even though our system is very firm about only giving you 12 weeks total. They claim to worry about my safety, even though my pregnancy has been very healthy thus far. I want every last minute with my baby, so hell to the no! The same women also keep telling me that I might not want to work after the baby (they didn't) and question whether or not I want "strangers raising my baby", so I can pursue my career. One woman even called me selfish, like I have a choice anyhow. Even if I didn't want to work, I have a Master's degree worth of debt and am the breadwinner of my family. Work is a necessity for me, not just a choice!

 I totally support women's decisions to not have babies and focus on their careers or to be a stay-at-home mom (mine was!), but I don't appreciate the sort of dichotomous thinking and judgment that is constantly being imposed on me. I hate to put a generational spin on it, but it really feels like remnants of tensions from second-wave feminism are playing out over this and personally, we should be beyond this. Maybe we can't be "perfect" moms and workers, but dammit, I think we can have both rewarding careers and kids.

Anyone else dealing with situations like this? I'm so fed up with it. I expected these sorts of guilt trips from my mom/MIL, but not my coworkers. All this b.s. drama is making me hate work and I usually love my job.

absolutelymaybe

That sounds like a terrible environment to be in. Sorry you are going through this. I second everything @lissydee said. Document everything and know your legal rights just incase. 

hiketheworld

Document everything- all comments and differences in your workload. Pregnancy discrimination is so common and it's unfortunate that your coworkers are being like that.

snarkylibrarian

Hi y'all, thanks for the feedback! I totally spaced on an update. I have been documenting things and talked to my supervisor about the other supervisor's negative attitude and I have noticed an improvement since then. I also have directly confronting some people who have said judgmental comments about my choosing to put the little one in daycare and told them (in different words) to check their privilege, because not everyone can afford not to work, esp. when I'm the breadwinner in my family. I definitely have been trying to minimize the talk about my baby/pregnancy, but that seems to be all anyone ever talks to me about anymore, even if I try to change the subject. 12 more weeks until I'm off for leave and I'm counting the days!

lesliegolem

Omg I'm sorry that sounds like such a crappy environment to be pregnant in! this totally reminds me of one of my internships for my Masters. I had to intern 2 semesters at a hospital. When I got pregnant my supervisor (who actually had 4 kids herself) acted like I was slacking off even though I was busting my butt (worked FT, classes and internship). She thought my severe nausea was in her words "all in my head" and that "some pregnant women just make up symptoms." When I called in (the one time in 9 months) because I had to go to the ER for dehydration she was totally upset. She rolled her eyes when anyone asked about the baby too and I walked in on her saying she would "never hire a pregnant intern again."

It was awful. Co workers started to not talk to me unless she was gone or some got jerky with me because she was constantly complaining about me even though before the pregnancy she praised me constantly. Sorry to vent, just was a horrible time. And I didn't have to be there 40 hours a week like you do! So you have my prayers things get better. Like others said document like you've been doing. At least you only have 12 weeks left!!

jj0313

You had me until, "but it really feels like remnants of tensions from second-wave feminism." That rubbed me the wrong way. 

That said, I'm really sorry you are going through this and echo what others have said about documentation and standing up for your rights. Your supervisor sounds like an asshole who is pushing her feelings on motherhood ,and the choices women have to make as a result, onto you. Which is wrong. And annoying. And obnoxious. Let's try not to blame feminism though, k? I wish you the best!

snarkylibrarian

jj0313 said:

You had me until, "but it really feels like remnants of tensions from second-wave feminism." That rubbed me the wrong way. 

Let's try not to blame feminism though, k? I wish you the best!

Oh yeah, sorry that probably did come off the wrong way. I actually consider myself a feminist and was a gender studies student for my undergrad, but I was thinking about how in the second wave of feminism, esp. in the late 60s and 70s, there were a lot of women that upheld masculine ideals and shunned traditional feminine roles and the subsequent mommy wars and return to conservatism in the 80s. There was never a lot of room or examples in the media of women during that time period showing that women could hold a job/career and be a good mom, even though examples of this have existed among working-class and working-poor families for like, ever. And of course, the media heyday with "can you really have it all?" tearing down working moms. Stuff like that came out of the second-wave backlash.

Also, I'm probably not totally coherent in my explanation of what I meant, because I'm wicked tired today.

snarkylibrarian

@lesliegolem That's terrible! Thanks for the words of encouragement and I'm glad you survived your internship, even though it sounded awful!

ssstephanie214

What a crappy situation. You'd think that women would recognize other women's rights. It seems kinda personal with some of them, like maybe they resent you for choosing to have a family. That shit does not belong at work.

I also wanted to say, there's more than one brand of feminism....i didn't read you as "blaming," I thought rather that you intelligently described it as tensions

jj0313

@snarkylibrarian‌-all good. It's an interesting hypothesis for sure.