Judgement on L&D Plans - Venting

KnitPixy

I am usually someone who is pretty good at smiling, saying "thank you for the advise" and then just moving on but after yesterday I'm starting to get annoyed!  In the past week I have had over 10 seperate people, none who know me that well absolutely bite my head off about being okay with the fact that I will most likely end up with a c-section baby!  Apparently it makes me a terrible person to not even consider doing a home birth and the fact that I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that my LO is going to land me with a new scar.  Don't get me wrong, if I'm able to deliver baby vaginally safely I am all for it.  At this point I don't know what my chances are of that happening.

I get that people have very strong opinions on the subject but the truth is that if any medical professional were to suggest that I do a home birth I would immediately start looking for a new health care provider.  I am not against home births.  It think they are fantastic, just not for me.  I'm high risk (thank you diabetes and hypothyroidsim), no doctor in their right mind is going to say it is okay for me to do a home birth.  The same way I couldn't find a single midwife that was willing to take me on a client (I wasn't expecting to find one that would but looked on the off chance that I could find one in my area).  My GP won't deliver my baby, I was referred to OB with experience with diabetic patients.  I was given the option of three hospitals, none of them my local hospitals for delivery because of my diseases.

I can understand people who don't know that I'm a type 1 diabetic getting up in arms about my very sketchy birth plan.  The part the really gets me is that everyone that has made a fuss about it knows me well enough to know about my medical conditions.  Even when I pointed out the reason for my birth plans being what they are have to do with medical neccessity versus person choice I've been told off!  Really!  One woman in my office actually told me the hospital was going to kill my baby because "it's not a safe place for babies"  WFT!?

Just my rant for the morning!  Anyone else having issues with judgements from people around them as to what your birth plans are?

KnitPixy

Basically been my policy since yesterday. 

Prior to that if I was asked about it (which was pretty often from folks that know me) I would offer up a very very general description.  Most people were asking out of curiousity of what diabetes means as far how/when baby will be born which really doesn't bother me.  I'm used to getting more questions on touchy subjects like that because of my medical concerns and don't have a problem sharing. 

I don't know why it shocks me so much when people then have a negative reaction to the information.

cf1126

Having a c-section does not lessen the awesomeness of having a baby or make you less of a mother. It is medically necessary and you are doing what is best for your baby. Plain and simple. The diabetes is not something you have control over. Now if you were electing to have it for cosmetic reasons, that would be a different story, but you're obviously not! So tell them to shut it and just be supportive. You might have been venting to them, but you weren't asking for them to give you advice. In my experience, a lot of people don't get the difference (esp. close friends / family). They care about you and are trying to give you advice accordingly when you probably just want them to listen. 

jtmomma13

I would stop talking about it and just because people ask doesn't mean you have to answer them. You can say, my doctor and I haven't decided yet. Or that you're going to go with the flow. Birth isn't always something you can plan. 

And people are idiots. They don't think before they talk and half the stuff they say when it's talk about babies is bullshit. Just try and ignore and don't engage in talk unless YOU want to. 

michelle142

Unless the person you're discussing your birth plan with is your Dr .. just stop. No one aside from you, your SO and your OB/MW need to know your plan.

I agree with @emmyg65 - if you don't want their opinion, stop giving them info to provide an opinion on.

KnitPixy

Thanks ladies,  basically you all reinforced what I was already thinking.  I have a tendancy to be someone who likes to answer people's questions when asked but at this point enough silly responses have put me off wanting to talk to anyone about it anymore.

ksgsmu

It is no ones business but your own!

I have people ask me how I will birth my babies ( first of all I find it odd they are thinking about it).  I will have a c-section due to having twins and a blood clotting issue.  I don't tell anyone though because it isn't their business and I don't need their validation or judgements on the matter.   I usually ignore the question by changing the subject or say... we will see when the time comes and I don't really want to talk about it. If they are rude and press the subject I give some sort of rude response back... the other day I told a coworker " why my choice to push a baby out of my vagina or not is any of your concern is ridiculous and honestly a little creepy"  That shut her up.

katiescarlett1

I hear ya....Type 1 diabetic here too and people SO don't get that we get less options because we are high risk. WE know that inductions mean a higher chance of c-sections, so we have to be okay with any outcome that lands us a healthy baby.

Don't worry about other people's opinions-- they don't matter. Your doctor and you will make the best choices for your baby- not them.

Meery82

Just say "You know nothing of my medical history, therefore it's probably best that you don't make any decisions regarding my labor and delivery. Mind your own fucking business."

PrimRoseMama

I didn't discuss it with strangers? Like, if someone wanted to chat I'd say, "my doctors & I have a great plan in place."

I don't understand interrogating an acquaintance on the way her kid will exit her body. It's very rude. I usually just ask when the big day is & if they know the sex. The usual light-hearted stuff. These people asking about your surgery or vaginal anything need to be politely put on the deep freeze.

It's perfectly fine to say, "thank you for thinking of us, but I'd really rather not talk about this right now. Let's move on."

shellybean3788

Fun Fact: It goes both ways. It doesn't seem to matter WHAT your birth plan is, 50% of the people you know are going to disagree with it.

My birth plan is a natural, at-home delivery with a midwife. My father asked me if I was high, my mother cried,and my sister told me calmly that she would not be there to see me die, so don't even ask. I'm sure a few family members even rolled in their graves.

My advice: Keep your plans to yourself. You're not going to get full support from everyone, no matter what you plan to do.

LucilleAustero

Hate to say this, but get used to. Unsolicited opinions and advice start during pregnancy and get worse once baby arrives. Either make it a point to not discuss your plans and your baby with others or just learn to smile and walk away.

minirella

Unless you can see into the future, you have no idea how this baby will come into the world. I'm surprised people even ask you that.

My birth plan is when I go into labor, I go to the hospital. What happens from there, well, anyone's guess is as good as mine.

KnitPixy

@minirella Very true!  That is pretty much my plan.  I know there is a good chance I will be induced or have a c-section but beyond that I leave it up to my doctors.

@LucilleAustero Very sound advise!  As I said, I'm usually good at doing the smile and walk away thing.  Yesterday was just a bad day for me and I needed to get it off my chest somehow.

@shellybean3788  I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've known many people who had wonderful experiences with home birth and small part of me is sad that I don't have that option.

The topic usually comes up because people are honestly curious about if there are any special circumstances because of the diabetes.  It's not usually "how do you plan to give birth?" but more a "does the diabetes impact how baby will be born?". 

Really the negative feedback was the result of talking to a small group of coworkers who I know very well and was comfortable talking to about it.  One particular member of the group is the one that flipped out and then told a bunch of other people in the office how "awful" my plans were.  Can't say I'm overly suprised at her reaction but it did tick me off that she felt it was okay to go spread the issue around.  I was just feeling a bit raw about it yesterday hence the venting. 

buggymuncher

@KnitPixy - I'm sorry they made you feel bad! Fellow T1 here and with my 1st pregnancy my OB said diabetics have a 50/50 chance of csection. My daughter wasn't all that big (8-2) but apparently I'm small and had a csection. Then a repeat with DD#2. If they don't let up, bring up the fact that if your diabetes isn't closely monitored during delivery your baby will have an increased risk for severe hypoglycemia once they are born. At which point medical intervention would be needed FOR YOUR BABY! I never worried too much about myself but I worry quite a lot for that precious newborn and wouldn't take any unnecessary risks. You seem like you've looked at all your options and are making an educated decision for you and your baby. Good for you. Tell them to shut it!

sprky79

Tell them all to fuck right off.  You wouldn't catch me electing a home birth for all the tea in China, but it is none of my business whether someone else chooses that for their child.  Same difference.

BookitBoo

I'm sorry you're dealing with rude people. Telling you that your baby will die if you deliver at a hospital? Gee, thanks.

I think you have the right idea (and agree with all the PP) and you might be better off redirecting the conversation or telling nosy people you haven't decided yet.

If you are feeling especially snarky, you could mention that you aren't sure your witch doctor has privileges at the hospital and are still working on your Gris Gris for your hospital gown.

Maple403

I am so much like you! I try to be polite and answer people's questions when they ask me-- even if the questions are really annoying. I'm learning with this pregnancy that answering people's questions just can make you even more mad because it gives them an opening. I've been just avoiding saying anything to some people to keep them from starting up. I've also had to really be clear with some people and say "Enough, I'm not interested in your birth stories. Please don't bring it up again" I feel stupidly guilty when I am that blunt because I'm so afraid of offending people, but come on- they were the ones offending me! Why is OK for them to offend me, but apparently I'm too worried about offending them? Stupid personality quirk.

It is just SO WEIRD that people think you want either their opinions about L and D or their horror stories about the process. I'm always blown away- what response are they looking for? Are we supposed to be excited to talk about this with them? I guess this has been going on forever- my mom told me that it drove her nuts when she was pregnant too. Seriously though- why? WHY? 

CatLadyTX

The only people who should care about your birth plan are you, your spouse and your OB. Everyone else can stfu.

LadyXaverian

I was going to say what another poster said about how it goes both ways. No matter what, someone will criticize you. If you are confident in your plan, forget them. And yes, unfortunately, get used to it. The opinions and criticism never end during pregnancy or after the baby is here. Everyone is an expert. :P

mmooki

T1 here as well and people don't get that being pregnant and having diabetes is like a full time job. On top of everything else! Dd was a c/s due to her being breech. This time around, we'll see. I don't have strong feelings either way about how this baby comes out.

peggels24

I'm sorry that you have so many people criticizing your birth plan.  Fortunately no one has asked me what I intend.  If they did, I would just say that I intend to rely on my doctor's expertise.

lelly0086

Type 1 here too and in the same boat! I agree with the others, best advice is to not go in depth about what you and the doctor plan. When the time comes I'm sure what ever route of delivery you embrace will be the best one possible for your health and for your baby.

nova99

I don't understand why someone would feel the need to express their opinion to you like that. I also think home births are fine, but they don't make people better than others either. Everything we do in life needs to be done with caution, whether it's child birth, driving, or J-walking. One thing that I have learned about people is that sometimes they feel strongly about a subject that they have no experience with. I think you're making a very wise decision; diabetes is nothing to mess with. To be honest, there is a hospital here in town that I don't trust with my life, but there is one that I do trust. Not everyone has the option of going to different hospitals, so maybe that's where the fear sets in.

526SadieSadie

It's nobody's business.  Your priority is to deliver a healthy baby with the least risk to you and the baby.  If that means a C-section, that's what it is. 

I get judgey when I hear about people wanting elective C-sections thinking it's the easy way out (which it clearly isn't) but you have mitigating medical factors that just plain cannot be handled in a home birth situation. 

I don't have your medical problems and I wouldn't do a home birth.  If there's an emergency with you or the baby - you're going to the hospital, so why not be there from the beginning, just in case?

As for what I've experienced, I've felt very judged about breastfeeding.  DD was mostly formula fed from birth.  I tried everything I could, read everything I could and met with nurses and lactation consultants galore.  I never was able to produce enough breast milk.  I felt like a total failure as a mom.  I cried and cried.  People looked down on me and told me my daughter would be sickly and even developmentally delayed because I wasn't doing my job.  Eventually, I spoke to an LC who told me she'd never seen anyone try as hard as me and sometimes it just didn't happen.  She also told me (which I loved) to tell people to mind their own fucking business.