Intro & Advice (very long, sorry)

Dfarmer1019

Hi there! First off I want to apologize if this is one long paragraph. I am on an IPad and it doesn't always cooperate when trying to make paragraphs. I am part of the D14 board and just happened to stumble upon this board today. A little background about me. I am 26 years old and pregnant with my first. Baby boy is due December 6th. DH and I have been married since December 2012. I have had guardianship of my 2 nephews (12 and 7) and my niece (9) for three years due to their parents being drug addicts, alcoholics, and in and out of prison. My husband has a son (7) and a daughter (6) from a previous relationship. His son is not biologically his. He met the mother when the son was 6 months old and stepped in as a father. The son does not know that DH is not his father, and for the time being it will remain that way. We see his two kids every weekend. I am sure I will be venting here a lot because there is a lot of drama with the two different scenarios ( and I am very glad I found this board), but this question involves DHs son. I have always loved him and accepted him for who is, but things have always been a little "off" with him. He is very socially awkward. He does and says some very bizarre things for a child of his age. He is beginning to see that he doesn't quite fit in and sees that he is a little off, and continuously says that there is something wrong with his brain. About a year ago, there was an incident between both DHs kids, and my youngest nephew. Without going into a lot of detail, CPS was called on us by DHs ex. The claims were not warranted, and they investigated and dropped the case. The ex held the kids from DH for about 7 months. We went through court battles and the courts thankfully sided with us and we regained visitation, though at first it was no sleepovers. But now everything is back to normal. Because of this incident, I took my youngest nephew to go talk to someone and make sure everything was ok with him. His counsellor said he was a very normal little boy. With the claims against us, you would think the ex would take the other two to counseling as well, but she did not. Once DHs two kids started coming back over, things were very different. We chalked it up to them not being used to being over with us. No big deal. It will wear off. With SD it did. But with SS, it just gradually got worse. He is a very angry little boy. He screams at me for no reasons, balls his fists in anger to my DH, kicks and punches my niece and nephews, tells his sister he wants to kill her (even pointing a toy gun to her head and saying he wants to shoot her). He has thrown rocks at our neighbors cat, hurts our dog constantly, all the while he is laughing. My breaking point was when he said that I should put my newborn baby in a hole and bury it because no one will like it anyways. When you look at his eyes, you just see an emptiness, and it is scary. He is constantly making inappropriate jokes. He makes my niece very uncomfortable ( he tries to touch her and stares at her and chases her to a point where it's not appropriate). He has talked about touching himself in front of all of the kids, and touched himself in front of them. He has talked about having sex. It is all very age inappropriate. When all if this is brought up to DHs ex, she gets very defensive and yells at DH. She states all of this is normal behavior and their son is just mad at DH because he has a new family and has forgotten about their two kids (which he has not as he tries to spend as much time as possible with them). DH wants their son to go talk to someone about his behaviors, but she refuses. She is very adamant that she will not put him in counseling and she can fix all of his problems, though she doesn't feel like he has any problems. Now for my question. Do any of you know if there is something that we can file through the courts to make her get him help? I am very worried about bringing a newborn into this situation. I am trying not to stress, but I can't help it with being pregnant for the first time and trying to protect my baby, trying to protect my niece and nephews, and trying to assure DH everything will be ok. I know that this is long, and I apologize for that. I do not have any family or friends that have experience with blended families and the situations that come from them, so I have no one to talk to about it. Any help would be appreciated!

Mkherren12

Does you Dh see all of this? He needs to talk with bm to see if she is noticing any strange behavior. Of it contiunes you might have to give up some weekend time I order for him to speak with someone.

Dfarmer1019

Yes. He sees everything. He is actually the one who started pointing things out to me, asking me if I thought it was normal behavior or not. DH has spoken with BM about the strange behavior, and she states that she thinks it is very normal behavior for a child of his age. She refuses to have SS talk to someone. We don't want SS to feel abandoned by DH, but you are right. We may need to give up some weekend time. We just don't know what we can do to help SS.

FinallyHappy84

I feel like BM is hiding something from DH about why SS is acting out in such a manner. I could be wrong but it seems that he may have suffered some actual trauma during the seven month period that his mom was withholding visitation. Is there any way you and DH can take him to counseling during the times that you have him or at least get him an initial evaluation completed ? If you can't get him in regular sessions during the times you have him (as it would definitely be a strain on your family and/or completely not feasible because of visitation order)  i would definitely get the evaluation completed, go back to court and request a guardian ad litem for SS. It's obviously that the child needs to speak with someone and definitely start documenting everything if you haven't already. Does SS go to public school where it may be also noticed or he could go in and speak with a school counselor? I know that may not be the most ideal thing but that way he could speak to someone while you're waiting for court-ordered therapy

bayside14

I think you should find a counselor who has appointments on Saturday mornings ASAP. Once you have a professional opinion, you may have a better idea of how to proceed. I'm not meaning to sound judgey, but the pieces you did *not* reveal about your situation are the most concerning parts to me so I would prepare yourself for a counselor to tell you and DH that SS's behavior is as much your fault as anyone else's. That being said, you can ask the court for whatever you want: more visitation, BM putting SS in counseling, or even a court appointed special advocate to survey SS's life at both homes and see what's going on at BMs house. Just be ready to back up your petition with FACTS, document everything, and be prepared for an ugly ruthless battle. I do wish you well. Welcome to this board! I'm the only stepmother I know too so I have very few people to talk to in my life about this so I know how you feel there. Good luck with your LO - you're almost there!

Dfarmer1019

@bayside14 The pieces I did not reveal were found to be normal behavior of children playing "doctor" instigated by SS (investigated by CPS, the court, as well as my nephews counsellor) but the BMs claims were that my nephew did much more and much worse and were completely unfounded. Thank you for all of your advice! I do really appreciate all of the information! @finallyhappy84 I too have thought that something happened in the 7 month gap. Like I said, we thought it was just because of the time away, but it seems to be more. SS does go to public school and DH does plan on speaking to the school, but it does not start until September, so we are waiting for that. Thank you for all of your advice! It is much appreciated! Now another question I would have is if we do get him evaluated on our time, and the BM does not like this, can she hold SS and SD from us? Even though there is a court order that states DH has visitation?

FinallyHappy84

@Dfarmer1019 I would refer back to the custody order that is currently in place. If it doesn't specify anything specific to it then you and DH just need to make the decision and be prepared for her reaction afterwards.  I don't think that she can withhold visitation because she doesn't like the fact you're trying to get SS medical help. If she does just document it along with everything else and when you go back to court have BM explain why taking him for an evaluation wasn't in the best interest of the child based of behavior that he's displaying. I would also check state laws about withholding visitation. Where I live if a parent denies the other parent court ordered visitation, to immediately go to the magistrate and file custodial interference each and every time it occurs. You may not get the children when you do this for that weekend but it will be a form of documentation for the courts and you can request to have the time made up later. Also keep in mind that taking such actions can (and probably will) result in a lot of tension and bad feelings being harbored between everyone. It may be a good idea to have everyone (you, DH, BM, and any other adults involved with daily contact with SD and SS in the home setting) to attend a co-parenting course or seminar, if you can or at least you and DH to attend one. The whole process can be difficult but in the end  as long as the children's best interests are met it's definitely worth it. 

Dfarmer1019

@finallyhappy84 thank you so much! All of this information helps so very much! I appreciate your time!

Dfarmer1019

@yvonnesophie I completely agree with you in regards to SS not being allowed in my house. You are right, it is my duty to protect my niece. I just feel so stuck sometimes because I do not want to have to have DH choose his son over his home. SS does not get to be unsupervised around any of the other kids. I will not allow it and DH is completely on my side with that. I am especially worried about my baby being born after saying he wanted to put him in a hole and bury him. Thank you for your kind words! I had to grow up faster and gave up a lot because of gaining guardianship of them, but having them has taught me so much about life, and I really would not change a thing! (well except maybe them having actual parents who cared about them because they deserve it!)

freeatlast2014

I wonder, and just throwing this out there, if the school counselor recommended SS see someone than maybe BM would be more compelled to comply.

mommabear06

Check your states laws on mental Health and custody, some states you have to have the permission of the other parent or full legal custody and done states you all you need is the child's insurance cards. I would definately file a motion with the courts for him to be evaluated if you need BMs permission and she won't give it. Good luck

SueBear

I would set up counseling appointments for SS when you have him for visitation.  Is there any chance that SS is being abused by someone in his life?  Family member?  Child of BM's boyfriend? Caregiver?  These behaviors are not normal.  I am wondering if the charges against your home by BM was her covering up something going on in her home.  That much sexuality from a 7 yo is atypical.

Sorry you are going through this - I hope SS gets the hope he needs.

Nineoceans

Well.......could it be that vengeful Bm or another family has told him he's not biologically related and he's really angry?? Because you should NEVER lie to kids about their biological origins. If he isn't angry now he's about to be when he finds out and I do NOT envy the position you will be in when he learns the only people he has trusted in the world, his parental figures, have lied to him his entire life.

Find a counselor with adoption experience and get him in ASAP. Have it court ordered if you have to.

ambrvan

I didn't read all the replies, but my SD and her half siblings suffered sexual abuse by BM and her older brother (and soon after, her sister) exhibited all of those same exact signs.

We had joint custody at the time of SD (then 3), and the siblings' father was absent across country. We could fight for SD, but they had no one. So we made anonymous reports of suspected abuse, tracked their father down across country, called their school counselor and told them what SD was telling us and what behavior we had witnessed to make us worried for their well-being.

It wasn't easy. It has taken years of custody battles, BM dropping in and out, and CPS making us feel so forgotten and insignificant that we just wanted to give up. But after all this, the two siblings live with their father, never to see their mother again, and we have full custody of SD with BM only getting supervised visits.

My point is that things may be complicated by the fact that SS is not biologically your H's, but that doesn't mean you can't advocate for him. Unless he officially adopted him, you probably cannot get him professional help without BM's consent. But he can still make sure that his problems ate on the radar. Get in touch with the school counselors. Make anonymous reports to CPS. Maybe you can get him into counseling on your own time. BM might consent to it if it is presented as family counseling to help everyone adjust and communicate instead of just SS getting his head shrunk. Some psychologists understand that one parent may be resistant and will work with you.

Regardless of WHAT had happened to bring SS to this point, something traumatic is triggering this. And he needs help. For his safety and your family's. Keep us updated.