TTC timeline change up

suorange

Long time lurker, first time poster here. Getting married November of this year and the plan was to start ttc shortly thereafter. Recently, though, my fiancé threw me a curveball when he casually mentioned he doesn't want to start ttc until he can move his mom closer to us. I've been crazy with baby fever (he is well aware of this) and I'm mad that he just decided to change up our timeline without even asking me my thoughts. I have started to feel resentful that my reproductive timeline is being dictated by the geographical location of my future mother-in-law (she is not aware of this). The worst part is that we have no idea when this will even happen...could be one, two, or five years. From lurking, I know I need to wait until we are both on the same page; I'm looking for advice on how to get past this resentment since I have otherwise had a great relationship with my fiancé and FMIL. Ugh...TIA.

suorange

I'm 25 and he's 29. He wants her to be closer so that our future baby will grow up knowing her and vice versa. He knows that I'm aching to have a baby, but we haven't had an in depth conversation about it yet because I wanted to gather my thoughts instead of overwhelming him with a hormonally fueled and tear soaked speech.

suorange

@14whitney That's a good point and I have considered that. I think I'm going to bring that up to see what his thoughts are. Real life scenario, she probably will have moved before we conceive, but I think he wants to be extra cautious so as to not potentially hurt her feelings.

 

@MandJS I agree. My extended family lives in another country but thanks to my mom's efforts, I am very close with them despite the distance. I'm definitely going to bring this out in the open with him today and ask him to further explain his reasons.

magdalina.h

Did you tell him any of this? When we got married we had decided to wait 2 years. When 2 years came around MH got nervous and pushed back our timeline a couple of months. I was annoyed, but I talked to him and we ultimately decided to wait.

MrsRustyGriswold

Does FMIL know she's being moved?

suorange

@magdalina.h He knows that I am upset, but we have not had a conversation where I bring up the points that OP mentioned because this came up recently and I've been pretty emotional about it (I'm not great at important conversations when I'm emotional, but working on improving that). OP helped me realize it's time to put on the big girl panties and have a conversation with him. This may sound ridiculous, but before posting, I was on the fence about if I should just not mention anything and try to get over it on my own.

suorange

@MrsRustyGriswold Yes she knows she's being moved eventually but she doesn't know that my fiancé wants to wait to TTC until she is here.

divinemsbee

I guess that seems a little ridiculous to me. I mean, she's 'being moved.' What if she likes where she lives now and has a support system and friends or community and her own things? It seems selfish to move her from that just because you guys want a kid (this is more speaking to your H than you). Does he think this would be free child care? We have all sorts of ways now to keep in touch, phones, computers, tiny computers we keep in our pockets that have cameras that work in real time, magically tubes that fly through the air to get us places really fast.

I mean, if I asked either of my parents or even my grandparents to move nearer to us because I wanted them to know my kid, I'd probably get some epic side-eye. That's not to say that we might not end up living near them at a later point, but they have jobs and lives outside of my reproduction.

I'm also coming from a place that H and I live far-ish away from family and probably will for many years, but with the advancements in technology I can talk to whomever I want when I want and I can always get to someone decently quickly. I'm very close with my family and distance doesn't change that. When H and I have kids they'll always know their family no matter where we live.

If he's having cold feet or wants to re-evaluate, I think that's something you should speak to your H about, but being intent on his mom being there before you even start trying is weird. You can always fly her in for a couple of weeks around a birth and then work on helping her move if she wants to, and when she wants to. You MIL will have as much of a relationship with your kids as you make possible.

suorange

Thanks everyone for your replies. We talked about it and came to a conclusion that works for us. I currently see a therapist for another reason but I will follow up with him for peace of mind.

ruby0710

You really need to sit down with your fiance and talk about the timeline and find a way to compromise.  The first year of marriage can be the hardest.  My advice would be to wait until you're past the first year and see how you both feel.  Ask your fiance why he had a sudden change of heart.  Your wedding is only a couple months away, so he may just be stressed with all of the planning and changes happening.  It's a lot to add a baby to the mix when you're still new to being husband and wife.

dogperson11

Sounds like your fiancé isn't really ready to TTC and is using his mom as an excuse. Glad you talked it out, but his need for his mommy needs to be addressed and nipped in the bud sooner rather then later...

suorange

Thanks to all for your input and for raising some excellent points!

jennypolkadots

Why? Will she by giving you free childcare?

We TTC when we though MIL was going to be moving 1000 miles away. So maybe I just don't get this lol