am I a bad wife?

lucieanne

ok, so it's not that dramatic. DH really wants to TTC right when I finish my MA degree. We'll have been married for 3 years. It's a good time financially, we have a good support system, and have been stable for a while. When we had the baby conversation years ago, that was always the plan.

I kind of dropped a bomb on him a few days ago though...I've been doing very well in my MA program and now I really want to start a doctoral program before TTC (the baby plan has always been we'd have a family and then I'd decide if I want to go back to school when baby is older). If that's the case then baby is going to have to wait another 5 years. FIVE YEARS! DH was on the surface very supportive but I could tell he was really disappointed. Am I a total b*** for keeping my ovaries on lockdown? I know it takes two to make this decision but I feel like it's kind of just me forcing this decision upon him. Isn't that almost the same as him forcing me to have a baby now? 

I am exaggerating the situation, it really wasn't the end of the world for DH and like I said, he was really supportive of the plan. I just hate making him wait longer than we planned originally by a long time. It's also frustrating because I have baby fever as bad as him, I just have other things I might like to accomplish first...

I'm not looking for advice per say since it's such a personal decision, though advice is definitely welcome. Please share any stories of your own.

dogperson11

Tough call. Yes, asking your husband to wait five more years is asking a lot, IMO. But you also don't want to feel resentful of him or baby if you go that route. What are you going to be able to do with a PhD that you won't be able to do with your MA? Will it REALLY help you, or is it just another set of letters after your name?

When my husband and I got married he was in the Navy and only had a year left then wanted to be a firefighter. He went to Afghanistan and some officer talked him out of firefighting and he decided to go get his bachelors. Fine, that's great, but suddenly we are going from him being in school 2 ish years to 5. That's a lot to swallow when you're the spouse that will be providing through all that. It definitely put off a lot of goals for us, including TTC. It took me quite a while to get over the resentment. Didn't make for a very pleasant first year and a half of marriage. He's almost done with his degree now and we're due with our first child in 2 weeks. I wouldn't change it, BUT I would definitely change how we discussed it, approached it, and made a plan.

BabyHope2013

I agree with other posters. Is it necessary to have your Phd? Unless you are somehow getting it paid for, do you need to take the loans out for it? (if that is how you are paying for it). Think about those costs of paying that loan back later when you do have a family. 

Also, keep in mind that with Phd programs you are generally taking classes for about another 3 years...then all the research and writing that goes into writing a dissertation. And once you start, you only have so many years to complete it before you have to start taking classes over again. If it will help you get ahead now in your career, I would say go for it. Just keep in mind when you have to tell your husband that we want to continue your schooling for a few more years that you might be putting your family on hold for another 5 years realistically. 

Having a toddler and hopefully trying for another one in a few months---let me tell you. I would love to go back to school (I work for a university that would pay for it all) but I honestly don't know how I would manage it with one kid, let alone two. It would be extremely tough. 

SpaceGirlSpiff

This is a tough one... ultimately, BOTH people need to be on board with TTC, so that really wins overall..

But I can see his side too... changing plans on him and extending it by 5 years is a pretty big request and I could understand if he has some disappointment.....If I were in that situation I would probably be disappointed too.. However, again, both people need to be on board and he can't force you to do something you don't want to do either.  

This is one of those things where you need to weigh everything out and really try to consider all sides of both scenarios... I am also curious to know how vital the PhD is to you and your career prospects?  What do you plan to do with it?  

At this point, you need to both just have a good and thorough discussion where both sides get a chance to put everything on the table ... I don't think it would be fair of you to TELL him that this is how it's going to be, it should be a decision made together.  Your going to school longer than intended (even taking TTC out of the equation completely), effects your partner in many ways, so it should be a mutual discussion anyway.

ruby0710

How old are you and what field are you in?  I think it might be really helpful for you to talk to others who work in your field in regards to whether an MA/PhD is the best option.  I had wanted a PhD since high school and just recently came to terms with the fact that it was unnecessary for my field.  I don't know how far you are in your MA program, so would you need to apply to doctoral programs this fall or could you wait awhile to learn more about the programs?  If you  haven't worked in your field yet except for internships/practicums, I would really suggest finishing your MA and getting some experience in your field before deciding to go back for a PhD.  

lucieanne

MrsMuq said: Juggling a baby and PhD would be a hell of a battle (says the wife of someone who was in the middle of his PhD when we had DS).

But why do you want to get a PhD? Are you going to stay in academia? Is there a real world use for you having a PhD? Are there financial/career gains by getting a PhD? Just because you do well in your MA doesn't mean you will in a PhD program - they're two extremely different animals.

In response to this, and everyone who has brought up that getting a PhD may not be necessary, first of all thank you for the advice. I definitely want to stay in academia, though. It's not something I've though of on a whim, I've been setting up my career since college. The question, I suppose, is when is it happening, not if. I guess I just always thought I'd be okay at this point to leave school to have a kid and come back to a program later with the kids older, but now that it's actually almost time to make the decision I'm having a hard time leaving my career. The reality of how difficult it would be to get a PhD with kids is sinking in now that it's a possibility for the immediate future.

Thanks for all the advice. I've still got some time to think about it.

LorMor

Big question is how old are you? Your baby making has a tighter deadline than your PhD, if your PhD is for interest, not to further your career.

(I'm in a similar position - want to start TTC baby 2 next year, have registered for PhD for next year. Am close to 40, so don't want to wait to TTC, my supervisor will retire in a couple of years, so don't want to wait to start. Will see if it works.)

jennypolkadots

I think there will always be reasons to wait. After your PHD you will probably want to establish your career. This, for most people, is at least a few years with the same company where you build a reputation before a baby enters the picture. We only have our BS but we have stable jobs and know that we have the rest of our lives to complete our education. I don't want all my education to be done in my 20s,I really love college. My aunt just got her Masters at 45 for a big career change and couldn't be happier. She still has 25 years of working ahead of her. It doesn't all have to be done now, that is all I am saying. But everyone feels differently and has different goals. 

We all sacrifice something when deciding to have kids. We are sacrificing some of our personal goals because we want to have two or three children and be young parents. I am 24 and married for 3 years, will be 25 when our first is born. Other may have more money or more goals accomplished before hand, but miss out on a decade with their children. No one gets it all.

Are there other options you aren't considering? Like could you quit working and do your PHD program while raising a child? Could you afford to hire help for the baby when you are working on your PHD? Most of my friends who went for the PhD after masters it only took them 2-3 years tops. Or they took 2 years to do the course work and worked for a few years slowly on the thesis. Maybe 5 years if they didn't do a masters first though. So perhaps your program is just different than I'm used to.