Babies on the Brain

to seek custody or not????

This is a long story but I'm going to try to keep it short.  My sister who is young, just found out she is pregnant with her second baby. She already has a daughter who is around 18 months old with her ex.  Well the ex has never helped with the baby, does not pay child support, and even when they were together never helped with bills/formula/diapers/etc.  When they first broke up, her ex boyfriend was out drinking all the time/partying so my sister didn't want to leave her DD with someone who was hungover. Also, whenever he had the baby for a day or two she would come back with horrible rashes, smelling like cigarretes, and unbathed.  That's her ex!  

My sister in the meantime starts to see a new guy for like a week and moves in with him.  They have been dating and living together maybe 5 months.  Two weeks ago her boyfriend gets arrested for drugs/stealing/guns and supposedly he will be locked up for quite a few years as this is not a first offense. My sister is an emotional wreck and misses her boyfriend like crazy and already has depression/eating disorder.  Since his arrest, my sister can not pull it together.  The state is now involved working with my sister and said she was negligent but not to a level where the baby needs to immediately be removed from her.  My sister has been approved to stay with the baby at my mother's house.   

My mother is the sweetest woman in the world, but her health is not good.  She wants to get custody of my niece, but keeps telling me that the baby is too  much work for her due to her age/health.  She told my husband today that she was hoping that one of her married children would get custody to prevent negligent father/mother from having custody of her.  My older brother is married and I'm married.  However, I'm the only one with children and the one my mom wants to go for custody.

To be honest, things have been a bit crazy for my DH and I.  We just had our second child a little over two weeks ago. I unexpectedly got laid off while I was almost 9 months pregnant in a job where I had already put in 7 years.  In addition, my DH and I both have small cars and with the loss of my income, we would be unable to purchase a bigger vehicle to fit a third car seat.  My DD is adjusting to life with a little brother as well so fun but hectic. My niece is very short tempered/fussy where my DD is easy going and who knows how DS will be.  

I guess ultimately I feel torn.  I do have a sense of family responsibility to swoop in and save my niece.  However, due to the above mentioned reasons I don't know how we would manage it.  Plus, if I am able to find a new job, it would be very difficult to afford childcare for three children who are all two and under. Also my DH does not want to take her in, because we would have to deal with court dates/ negligent parents/ custody battles and whatever else comes with it.  My DH's family has a lot of family drama like this, where this is all new territory within my family so I know he's seen a lot of the drama that goes with this territory. 

Obviously where DH is not on board, we will most likely not apply for custody.  However, I do feel extremely guilty and am not sure what I should do next. Should I feel guilty?  Should I be pushing DH towards this? Are our reasons for not wanting to selfish?  I'm so torn about this.  What would you do in my shoes?  TIA and I hope I gave enough details so that it makes sense. 

Re: to seek custody or not????

  • I agree. Why is it that your brother has not stepped up to help his niece? Could you share custody with him until things stabilize for you or your sister?
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  • If you don't mind me asking, are there any other reasons as to why your older brother would not be able to take on the responsibility other than he does not have children?
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  • My guess is reunification will be possible for my sister once she gets her crap together, but who knows how long that will take!?  I hope soon because she is expecting in March. My brother has not stepped up, mainly because him and his wife only live with each other part time because their jobs are far apart from one another. That's a whole other story!  I did offer to take the baby two to three days a week to help my mother but I think she was hoping since I'm young and a mother I wouldn't mind doing that.  Honestly, I do feel like it is a huge thing to take on especially with everything else that is going on.  My mom and I used to babysit her a lot.  Since I've had my son, I only have watched my niece for like 12 hours the day my sister's boyfriend got arrested.  I do feel bad because I want to be a good aunt, but more importantly I also need to be a good mother to my own children.   
  • I'm not normally on this board, but as someone who has taken on custody of three of my family members I would like to give some advise.

    My husband told me he was on board to get these kids (3,4,5 at the time). We had no kids of our own and were married just under a year, we had trouble conceiving and about 5yrs down the road (they've been with us for 11yrs) he said he didn't want them in the first place he only did it because I wanted to.

    All of the reasons you gave would work themselves out one way or another, but if your husband isn't on board I would be very resistant to do it.
    It can cause a lot of trouble in your marriage.
  • Does your sister want someone else to have custody of her daughter? If not, this is a very hard battle to win. Courts always side with the mother unless there is some really awful circumstance. Even if you did get custody, which would be likely very time intensive and costly, she would likely get her back in just a matter of time and strain your family. 

    I agree with others, it is awful for your mother to even suggest this. The child, who I am sure you love, is not your responsibility. It also sounds like adding an 18 month old to your family is just not something you can financially or emotionally support well right now. It doesn't sound like a great solution for your niece. Your sister needs to get her act together and make the right choices. How will it be any different when she has this second child? Will it end up living with you as well?

    Talk to your sister about all of this. Look into mothering programs in your area and call CPS to ask about resources. She needs help and to learn how to care for her children. You can't fix it by alleviating her responsibilities. Sometimes there are also financial programs that can help you care for your niece in situations like this. For example, if she was your foster child you would get payments from the state like Fredalina said and they can help with childcare costs. At least explore your options.


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  • If the state CPS is not yet involved the legal avenue would be a Guardianship through the family court. These are revocable should your sister pull herself together. If the state is already involved the process is very different and family could register their interest with the CPS agency to be considered as a family placement. Where the placement is family there are no classes involved in many states so long as the home passes a physical standards inspection.
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