need advice, unsure about pregnancy

Kittyfied

Hi, I'm new to this forum, but since I don't feel like I can talk to my family just yet, I really wanted to get some advice from you all. Please, no negativity.

I'm 25 years old, and my fiance and I are getting married 11-8-14. I also just found out that I'm pregnant two days ago, and that I'm no more than 3-4 weeks (period ended on July 7th).

I am unsure whether or not I should keep this baby. My fiance and I know that we want children, but weren't planning on having them until about a year after we were married. We are in a 1 bedroom apartment, neither of us have very reliable vehicles right now, and even though we both have good jobs we only just started putting money aside. Plus, the pressures from getting this wedding underway are pretty intense. My family is very traditional as well, and I know that they would be very disappointed if they knew I was pregnant out of wedlock.

I have terminated a pregnancy before. When Brian and I first started dating, we were not careful and I ended up pregnant a month into our relationship. We terminated because things were so new, we were no where near ready for that. My family has no idea. Circumstances have changed greatly now, and we are in a good place, but it still feels like it's too soon. I don't know if we're ready for this.

My fiance is very supportive. He thinks we can work things out if we keep the baby, but he also agrees that it is too soon and that we aren't very prepared money wise. He is leaving the decision to me. I've begged him for more input, but he's remaining neutral. I want children very much, but I don't believe we are in the right place in our lives just yet. And I know this is very, very selfish of me, but I don't really like the idea of being a pregnant bride.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated, thank you for reading.

Katie

an02102

Our first child was conceived under not such great circumstances.  We wanted to wait another year before trying.  We made it work for a year in a one bedroom apartment.  We were lucky enough to have room in the bedroom to have a crib in there.  It was tight but we made it work.  But really non of us can make up your mind for you, but it is doable.   

mandi195

As someone who's had multiple losses, it would be appreciated if you'd at least mention what you're considering in the subject line. Reading this was difficult for me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. 

As for advice, you're an adult who got pregnant. You know how to prevent pregnancy, yet took no action to do so. That said, time to grow up and be a parent. 

mandi195

Judgy pants or not, my opinion stands. If OP didn't want to be a pregnant bride, she should have taken measures to prevent pregnancy. Sorry, not sorry.

BLPL101

I don't think God makes mistakes when we conceive a child. I believe that He has a plan for him/her. Life doesn't go as we plan (I didn't plan this baby), but that's okay! I believe God is in control of our lives.

cinderella4282

Babies don't care how many bedrooms are in the house or how much money his/her parents have.......they just want to feel loved and secure. Once you have a baby, your life does shift and frees up money in other places (a lot of the time).

My parents had been dating three months when my mom found out about me in July......they were married in November that year. This year they will be married 33 years. I know that isn't everyone's story though......

At least you and your fiancée have already decided you want to be together forever. Besides, what is a year really going to prepare you for?

But in the end, this is your decision with your fiancée. Good luck!!

PrimRoseMama

katydid2014 said:

My only advice is that you should use reliable birth control if you aren't ready to have a baby.

This is my only thought. Triple up? Like NFP charting, condoms & birth control.

I can't tell you whether or not you should have an abortion. Only you & your FI can decide what is right for you.

PrimRoseMama

BLPL101 said:

I don't think God makes mistakes when we conceive a child. I believe that He has a plan for him/her. Life doesn't go as we plan (I didn't plan this baby), but that's okay! I believe God is in control of our lives.

What if OP doesn't believe in God?

526SadieSadie

BLPL101 said:

I don't think God makes mistakes when we conceive a child. I believe that He has a plan for him/her. Life doesn't go as we plan (I didn't plan this baby), but that's okay! I believe God is in control of our lives.

Aaaand when you don't believe in God, how does this help?

OP, the decision is yours.  Firstly, discount your family's reaction.  You don't live with them, you're an adult and they don't support you financially.  I can confidently say that most traditional families will still be head over heels with any baby, even one conceived out of wedlock.  It might take until your baby actually arrives for them to come around, but it's been my observation that most of them do.

Secondly, yes, babies cost money.  But since you're early enough in your pregnancy, you absolutely have time to save for essentials.  You can buy excellent things quality things second-hand if you need to.  Infants need very very little in terms of "stuff"  Yes, you could buy the super expensive crib and $1000 worth of toys, but the baby won't care about how much you paid for his or her bed and won't be playing with toys for quite a while.  You have several months to save and budget, maybe the money you've already put aside for your wedding can become the baby fund.

That brings me to my last point; you don't have to be a pregnant bride.  You can either move your wedding up a few months so you're not showing, or you can postpone until after you give birth.  I understand you had a vision of your wedding being a certain way but you might have to be flexible.

Choosing to terminate a pregnancy is deeply personal, since you've done it before, you know that.  None of us can tell you yes or no, just understand that no one is ever really 100% ready.  Yes, some are more prepared than others but there are so many bumps in the road of parenthood, I don't think anyone thinks it's easy.

My point is this: things have a way of working out.  DH and I were not at all prepared for this pregnancy.  We were using condoms, to be honest, I'm not sure how I got pregnant.  I grappled with the same decision you are right now.  We're trying to buy a house, we don't have a ton of money or space but we decided to do it. 

Whatever choice you make, think about getting an IUD so you can better protect yourself.

preggersINschool25

I was a pregnant bride. I was 3 months pregnant. We got married because I was pregnant. I was in school and he was only working part time at that time. We have been married 3 years today. We have a house, 3 cars (one is crap), and a beautiful baby boy with a sibling on the way.

Abortion carries risks one of which is being unable to get pregnant in the future. If something goes wrong, can you live with that?

526SadieSadie

preggersINschool25 said:

Abortion carries risks one of which is being unable to get pregnant in the future. If something goes wrong, can you live with that?

That risk is VERY very low. 

Tapsalteerie

BLPL101 said:

I don't think God makes mistakes when we conceive a child. I believe that He has a plan for him/her. Life doesn't go as we plan (I didn't plan this baby), but that's okay! I believe God is in control of our lives.

Oh, FFS.  If you want to believe that regarding your own life, great!  But please don't place that line of thinking on others who might not share the same beliefs.

OP, as others have said, this is something that only you and your FI can decide.  You both need to have a serious talk about it and that talk needs to happen now.  I wish you luck in whatever you choice you make.  And I am saying this as somebody who had to terminate a pregnancy due to severe genetic abnormalities and non-viability but still recognizes that the tragedy in my life should not affect another woman's ability to choose.

ajacot924

I'm sorry that you are faced with a difficult decision. 

As the other ladies have said, this is a decision that you and your fiance will have to make together. There are many resources out there for women in your position. They can give you advice and information. I cannot speak for anyone else on this board, but I am still early in my pregnancy and just praying that it lasts. While I do not judge you at all, in my current state, it is difficult to give advice on this matter. Best of luck to you.

conradraging

OP, I found out I was pregnant before DH and I were officially married, and yes, the circumstances weren't exactly how we hoped they would be when the time came. Regardless how I or anyone here feels about abortion, nobody can make this decision for you. All I will tell you is that it is very possible for you and your fiancé to make ends meet. It may be tough, and its true that babies are expensive, but they really don't NEED as many things right away as you might think.

Good luck to you and your fiancé, whatever you should decide.

Alygohome

I terminated a pregnancy when I was 16 years old, not only was it unplanned/unwanted but it was forced upon me and I have never regretted the decision.

I have also had losses after terminating and it has never changed my mind on that decision.

I don't have any advice because terminating/keeping is such a personal decision and I don't feel like there is a wrong answer. I wish you luck and peace with your decision!

cattledogmama

I understand what you are trying to deal with. I also terminated a pregnancy very early on almost 3 years ago. We felt that we were not in the right spot at the time to support a baby. 

What I can tell you is that now that we are pregnant - we are overjoyed. It was planned but we still aren't technically where we would want to be financially - I doubt many of us are. Just make sure you get on some sort of insurance.

Would I take back what I did? No. Our lives would be much different now and we likely wouldn't have some of the things that we have if we already had a child. I also had the support of my mother who believed that any decision we made was the right one for us.

Do I regret it sometimes? Yes. I do sometimes think about what our child would be like but you can't think in the past. 

I think that if you receive money for your wedding, put it away for baby. Start saving and look towards the future. The good news is if you decide to terminate, the risk of not being able to conceive in the future is very low. 

You'll make the right decision for you and your fiance but make sure you get more input from him. You don't want it to turn into a blame game when he tells you he wanted you to keep it. 

emilyz320

I got pregnant 2 months before my wedding, unplanned. I was not planning on being a pregnant bride either, but life happens and we made it work. We told ourselves there's never a completely perfect time for a baby. This year it's a wedding, next year would be something else. I also thought people would judge us for getting pregnant so close to the wedding, but there wasn't one judgmental comment just pure excitement. I think you should do what is right for you and your fiancé but you can make it work if you want to.

MommyOfAMiracle

I don't want to come off as rude, but you should have protected yourself if you weren't ready. Especially since it's happened before. And being that you are so concerned with your family and wedding, there is probably no chance of you giving this baby up to a couple who can't have kids, i'm assuming? I have a hard time with it because I feel it's a bit selfish. I'm a bit biased though because I struggled with infertilty for numerous years and never thought I'd be able to have kids. I have never been put in your position, so I can't say I understand.

My DH and I were planning our wedding and were actually looking at venues the day before I got my BFP. The wedding has since been cancelled. We still married as we were planning on it anyways, but had a friend get ordained and did our wedding short, small and sweet. I didn't even wear a wedding dress. There are ways around it. And to be honest, my family is SUPER excited about baby on the way, WAY more than they were for the wedding.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

 

ap0wer

Good luck to you, wishing you all the best with whatever choice you make.

conradraging

GhostMonkey said:

conradraging said:

OP, I found out I was pregnant before DH and I were officially married, and yes, the circumstances weren't exactly how we hoped they would be when the time came. Regardless how I or anyone here feels about abortion, nobody can make this decision for you. All I will tell you is that it is very possible for you and your fiancé to make ends meet. It may be tough, and its true that babies are expensive, but they really don't NEED as many things right away as you might think.

Good luck to you and your fiancé, whatever you should decide.

Oh, you have access to her bank accounts and all their debts? Awesome.



No I'm not suggesting that I do, however she did say that they both have good jobs... So that was my main point.

Perhaps they haven't saved yet for a child but if they're well off enough to pay for a wedding, I assume they can maybe rearrange some finances and make it work.

MommyOfAMiracle

GhostMonkey said:

conradraging said:

conradraging said:

OP, I found out I was pregnant before DH and I were officially married, and yes, the circumstances weren't exactly how we hoped they would be when the time came. Regardless how I or anyone here feels about abortion, nobody can make this decision for you. All I will tell you is that it is very possible for you and your fiancé to make ends meet. It may be tough, and its true that babies are expensive, but they really don't NEED as many things right away as you might think.

Good luck to you and your fiancé, whatever you should decide.

Oh, you have access to her bank accounts and all their debts? Awesome.

No I'm not suggesting that I do, however she did say that they both have good jobs... So that was my main point. Perhaps they haven't saved yet for a child but if they're well off enough to pay for a wedding, I assume they can maybe rearrange some finances and make it work.

You have no idea who is paying for the wedding or what kind of debts they have, despite their good jobs. They may not have $800-$2,000 for infant daycare.

And a wedding is one day and you can make cuts. You either have to pay daycare or lose 1 income for an extended period with a child. Not even remotely comparable.

Welp. If you're not ready, then use protection. Easy as that. And it wasn't stated that she was using birth control or not. But being that it's happened once before, it doesn't sound like it. So you shut up.

ETA: If she was trying not to get pregnant, then I stand corrected. And as far as people "judging". Coming onto a website called "the bump" where 99.9% of the woman on here are trying to have kids, pregnant or already have kids, it's gonna get a little judgy. If you have the guts to ask that, then be prepared for answers you might not wanna hear.

Ultimately it's her decision. I'm sure she'll make the right one for her situation.

preggersINschool25

@GhostMonkey‌ I see you have opinions on what everyone should be saying... but I don't see you commenting for the OP.

I'm not pro life, but when it came down to me having an abortion I couldn't do it. Yes the risk is low that something goes wrong and you can't have future kids, but it is a factor why I decided to keep my son. However little the risks, they should still be considered. Especially because she does plan on having kids in the future. How would you feel if you ended your last chance at ever having a baby?

yeah.

MommyOfAMiracle said:

I don't want to come off as rude, but you should have protected yourself if you weren't ready. Especially since it's happened before. And being that you are so concerned with your family and wedding, there is probably no chance of you giving this baby up to a couple who can't have kids, i'm assuming? I have a hard time with it because I feel it's a bit selfish. I'm a bit biased though because I struggled with infertilty for numerous years and never thought I'd be able to have kids. I have never been put in your position, so I can't say I understand.

My DH and I were planning our wedding and were actually looking at venues the day before I got my BFP. The wedding has since been cancelled. We still married as we were planning on it anyways, but had a friend get ordained and did our wedding short, small and sweet. I didn't even wear a wedding dress. There are ways around it. And to be honest, my family is SUPER excited about baby on the way, WAY more than they were for the wedding.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

 

When you start off a comment with "I don't mean to be rude", you're about to be rude and you know it. You should stop talking.

OP: we can't make this decision for you. I would like to think my family would support any decision I made regarding my own body. Good luck!

mmariel

I think he needs to be more involved with the discussion and decision not a bunch of strangers.. good luck with whatever you decide.

Foodies1

Katie-

I think that there is never a good time/right time to have a baby,there is always something going on, another bill to pay, another party to go too, not enough room in the home, you get the picture. I believe everything happens for a reason. I think that if you keep the baby your world will change but for the better especially since you both want kids. You say now is not the right time-but again-there is never the right time. Yes you have your wedding to look forward to being pregnant or not. Im sorry but in my eyes you shouldn't terminate a pregnancy just because your family is traditional. That would be pleasing someone else or other people for the wrong reason. I think you should go ahead and get married before this baby is born or hold off the wedding plans until after the baby is born. Long point short,you both can make this work. You will just need to work together as a family.

zenma

Your parent's traditional views shouldn't sway you one way or another as you're an adult. So what if you got pregnant out of wedlock?! You're two adults getting married rather soon and you both want children. As pp have stated, babies don't have to cost a ton. However this is your decision and you need to do what feels right for you and your husband. I just feel like you're more worried about what your family will think at your wedding vs your future family(husband and future child(ren)).

Either way good luck.

lelly0086

In my opinion there is never a "right" time to have a baby. You are already pregnant and you said you both want kids together so why not keep it. I thought we were in a good place when we found out we were expecting. House, stable jobs, insurance the works but in the blink of an eye it was all gone. Now we are living with my parents and picking up the pieces as we go. Abortion is a very personal decision and only you and your partner can make the choice. Do what's right for you.

preggersINschool25

GhostMonkey said:

preggersINschool25 said:

@GhostMonkey‌ I see you have opinions on what everyone should be saying... but I don't see you commenting for the OP.

I'm not pro life, but when it came down to me having an abortion I couldn't do it. Yes the risk is low that something goes wrong and you can't have future kids, but it is a factor why I decided to keep my son. However little the risks, they should still be considered. Especially because she does plan on having kids in the future. How would you feel if you ended your last chance at ever having a baby?

La dee fucking dah. And the magic of being pro choice (which you CLEARLY are not)- you get to make that choice. And I bet you didn't have some asshole spouting random made up shit to try to change your mind either.



I actually am pro choice. I called to schedule an abortion the second it said pregnant on the test. But when the person on the phone asked me if i wanted a d/c or to take the pill, I had to do some research to see what was better for me. That's when I decided I couldn't do it. And trust me, I had my parents in my ear saying I didn't have to marry him and I could have an abortion. I'm still pro choice.

With that said, I will always look at someone side eyed if they have more than one oopsie whether they abort or keep the babies... Because clearly they didn't learn anything from the first time.

crunchymamaof2

That's the beauty of this country, women still get to choose what happens to their bodies. Instead of condemning her for her thoughts why not try to help her understand why she's leaning a certain way. Of course it stings, I've suffered loss, I get it. But her choice will not affect us (unless she chose adoption and one of us as the adoptive parents, which c'mon, is highly, highly unlikely).

Try to imagine the future. You seem very at peace with your decision several years ago, so IMO you made the right choice for you at the time. Your circumstances are different now. If it's worrying about your family's reaction, don't let that be he deciding factor. You are an adult. If you are independent of them then they should have no weight in your choice. This is between you and your FI. You have to weigh the pros and cons of each choice and choose those that's best for both of you. Good luck.

cwbh928

I think OP you need to really sit down with your fiancé and have a deep discussion! I agree (with most) of the PP - it is your decision to make. I do not plan on judging you as everyone is different and everyone has limits. Understand things do happen and sometimes the results can be hard to handle - however with that only you know your limits. I was in your boat a few years ago - 1 year until our wedding and bam I got pregnant! I was on BC so not debate there. It doesn't work 100% as I found clearly found out.

I am not going to say I was never judgmental on these things but that experience changed my perspective. We decided to terminate. It was a horrible thing to go through but it is what we decided and although I do think about the what-ifs from time to time - I don't regret it. Not only were we not ready - but I have autoimmune disorder that requires heavy meds which I was taking.

I am not going to say it was easy and you are always thinking is this right and what happens after and will I have a baby again? But isn't that the point of decisions - there will always be what-ifs, no matter what you decide.

I also understand where some people are coming from but unless you are in that position you just can't tell.

I am happy to say- I am 5 months pregnant and my DH and I are so happy!

You just need to write down the so called pros and cons of each choice. I wish you nothing but the best in what you decide!

preggersINschool25

I said I would side eye anyone who had more than one oops whether they kept the baby or not. I like how you think you can tell me what my beliefs are. People can choose whatever they want, but at some point you need to be held accountable for your actions. I don't think anyone wants to see someone have abortion month after month and use that as their birth control. And if you use the pill and condoms you can pretty much prevent pregnancy ALMOST 100%

preggersINschool25

Oh all knowing ghostmonkey please tell me what I should believe! You are very judge but I still don't see you giving advice to the OP.

preggersINschool25

Yes. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool me three times and... I don't even know how to end that because it is so ridiculous.

mandi195

GhostMonkey said:

My sister has 3 whoops pregnancies because the pill didn't prevent her from ovulating despite her taking it perfectly. So do you look down on her?

Wouldn't you know after the first, or at least the second, that the pill does not work properly for you?

Alygohome

I DO feel like there is a perfect time to have children, I don't know why everyone says that. My husband and I have planned for years to start trying, saved up for a year mat leave, bought a house, got stable careers, have nothing major coming up in the next year that we know of. I don't get why people say there is no perfect time... If I would have gotten pregnant four years ago with hubs I can guarantee we wouldn't be where we are financially or professionally now so I don't blame her for weighing her options.  Even though we could have "made it" by scraping by, we wouldn't have the stability and future that we have now. I don't think there is a "wrong" decision, but it also isn't one she should make based on random internet strangers opinions, I think her and her fiancé need to sit down and figure it out based on what is best for them.

preggersINschool25

It actually doesn't change my answer. How dumb can you be to keep trying something that clearly didn't work the first time.. the second time... the third time... please tell me she is using a different form of birth control now.

I think Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I guess dumb runs in the family.

preggersINschool25

BTW ghostmonkey, you don't know me. I am compassionate. My son has special needs and has really changed my view on a lot of things... just not stupidity.

mandi195

GhostMonkey said:

mandi195 said:

GhostMonkey said:

My sister has 3 whoops pregnancies because the pill didn't prevent her from ovulating despite her taking it perfectly. So do you look down on her?

Wouldn't you know after the first, or at least the second, that the pill does not work properly for you?

They changed. There were 9 years between 2 and 3, so it worked well for a while (well, that and he was fucking his girlfriend more than my sister. Anyway). And this was with condom backup as well. And no, this was the 80's, so there were fewer options and less openness about it.

Shit happens. Don't be a bitch to other people about it, especially when you don't know the whole story.

And yes, only a total bitch would judge someone for a birth control failure. You have no idea how perfectly they may have been using it, or how many times they have switched meds to try to find the one that works best for them. Treating someone like complete shit for not being overjoyed and considering terminating is beyond a bitch move.

waoh, now. Why am I a bitch for asking a simple question? I wasn't being judgy, and the fact that the changed and it was 30 years ago before more methods makes sense. Egads. 

mandi195

GhostMonkey said:

mandi195 said:

GhostMonkey said:

mandi195 said:

GhostMonkey said:

My sister has 3 whoops pregnancies because the pill didn't prevent her from ovulating despite her taking it perfectly. So do you look down on her?

Wouldn't you know after the first, or at least the second, that the pill does not work properly for you?

They changed. There were 9 years between 2 and 3, so it worked well for a while (well, that and he was fucking his girlfriend more than my sister. Anyway). And this was with condom backup as well. And no, this was the 80's, so there were fewer options and less openness about it.

Shit happens. Don't be a bitch to other people about it, especially when you don't know the whole story.

And yes, only a total bitch would judge someone for a birth control failure. You have no idea how perfectly they may have been using it, or how many times they have switched meds to try to find the one that works best for them. Treating someone like complete shit for not being overjoyed and considering terminating is beyond a bitch move.

waoh, now. Why am I a bitch for asking a simple question? I wasn't being judgy, and the fact that the changed and it was 30 years ago before more methods makes sense. Egads. 

Did I say you were a bitch for asking? No. Learn how to read.

Unless you are guilty of those things. Then yes, that is absolutely a bitchy thing to do. If you want to be BFFs with queen "No abortions because I didn't get one but pro choice" go for it. No one else wants her here or anything that is as close minded and self centered as she is.

Sorry, but when someone says "Don't be a bitch" it's usually after they think someone was a bitch. My mistake.

ALso, I'm not all BFF with anyone, my question was totally unrelated to her rants about pro choice or whatever. 

ETA: spelling

preggersINschool25

GhostMonkey said:

preggersINschool25 said:

BTW ghostmonkey, you don't know me. I am compassionate. My son has special needs and has really changed my view on a lot of things... just not stupidity.

Why exactly did you feel the need to drop that card, other than to try to one up someone?



You said you felt sorry for my kids and that I wasn't compassionate.

You act like you know me... my beliefs, my situation, my life.... well now you actually know a little bit.

ashiscute

preggersINschool25 said:

I said I would side eye anyone who had more than one oops whether they kept the baby or not. I like how you think you can tell me what my beliefs are. People can choose whatever they want, but at some point you need to be held accountable for your actions. I don't think anyone wants to see someone have abortion month after month and use that as their birth control. And if you use the pill and condoms you can pretty much prevent pregnancy ALMOST 100%

But not quite.  I don't think you understand how birth control and conception work.  Judging people for getting pregnant without trying more than once is pretty pathetic.  

OP- You've been given some great advice mixed in with some real shit.  But do what's best for you and your fiance.  Being a pregnant bride isn't ideal but it's okay.  And not being ready is okay too.