discussions with the dad to be

shortnatie

My fiance and I just found out im pregnant. Im only 5 weeks along and he has a kid already, that he never gets to see. Every time I bring up the baby I feel as if he doesnt want it here. How do I get him to warm up to the idea. Do I talk to him, or should I just let him warm up to it on his own.
Its frusturating that I cant go to him without feeling like he is discouraged. I need some advice! As a first time mommy I am really emotional and need to know that we are on the same page.

shortnatie

I dont know the ttc language yet. Still catching on. I know im only 5 weeks thats why I have asked. I guess the deeper question is, do I continue to talk to him about or should I wait until he mentions something?

shortnatie

We were having intercourse knowing I may or may not get pregnant. He told me is fine with the pregnancy as well. He wants to see his other child but the mother will not let him. He doesnt want to take her to court because the likelihood of him getting to see his daughter is only a couple days a week. Ilhe doesnt want to pay child support and she her at a minimal. His choice if tried talking him into it.

shortnatie

He has been so patient with her. He has begged. She wants him absolutely no where close to thier daughter.

mandi195

If a father wants to see their child, 9 times out of 10 a judge will grant them that. Some time is better than none. Also, give him time. Clearly he needs it. 

shortnatie

Um. Hes not leaving me. And I will do what his ex did to him. I understand why he is making the choice he is with her. He paid for everything and she left. Plus so much more. I wouldnt hurt him that way.

shortnatie

And she doesnt have a support order. There for I dont have to worry about that either! Plus we are planning on staying together. Dont plan on anything else.

mandi195

I'm going to sound like an ass for asking this, but how old are the players in this game? From personal experience, I can tell you that "planning on staying together" doesn't mean squat.

shortnatie

We have our wedding planned and a date set. You always plan on staying together. Why is everyone so negative. I 5hink its about time I go find a new site with more of a support group.

mangomimosa

 

shortnatie said:

We have our wedding planned and a date set. You always plan on staying together. Why is everyone so negative. I 5hink its about time I go find a new site with more of a support group.

Oooh! GBCB!

Meery82

Ditto what ghost monkey said. You're probably going to end up like his first wife/girlfriend. Us telling you so isn't being negative; it's stating reality. Which you obviously need a heavy dose of.

526SadieSadie

shortnatie said:

We were having intercourse knowing I may or may not get pregnant. He told me is fine with the pregnancy as well. He wants to see his other child but the mother will not let him. He doesnt want to take her to court because the likelihood of him getting to see his daughter is only a couple days a week. Ilhe doesnt want to pay child support and she her at a minimal. His choice if tried talking him into it.

Soo...he'll only get to see her a couple times a week so he decided not to see her at all?  I call BS on that one.  If he wanted to see his child and be involved in her life, he'd move heaven and earth.  He'd agree to any reasonable amount of child support - which he should be paying anyway. 

There has got to be more to this story.

PrimRoseMama

Listen, I'm not basing my response off anything other than what you've said.

Your FI has a kid already.
He makes no effort to provide for that kid.
He makes no effort to see that kid.
He doesn't seem happy you are pregnant.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

It sounds like you might be in for a really bad experience. If he didn't stick around, provide for & see his other kid why do you think your situation is different? What makes you (& your future LO) any different from this other?

I hate to be all doom-sayer & shit, but I would advise at least availing yourself of your options just in case. That is not "being negative" that is trying to do you a solid.

You may not listen or agree, but girl, you need to hear it.

janda426

Yeah I see the writing on the wall with this one. And it doesn't look good for you or your baby. I'm sorry. Men have a way of manipulating young women, you'll see in a few years how naive you are now. There's no way for you to see it now, I get that. But the facts are staring you dead in the face, there's not much to assume here. Time to smarten up for your kids sake.

lookame3639

He doesn't want to step up to support his other child

he doesn't want to take responsibility and visit his other child

he blames everything on his ex/child's mother

he's not excited/doesn't act like he wants you to be pregnant

...he sounds real mature and like a real winner...I'm sorry but it's not all fun and games when you have a child. That child has needs-clothes, shoes, food, medical ect and he doesn't want to pay to help support the child that is biologically his.

Perhaps he'll come around. You didn't make this kiddo on your own and I hope for your sake he steps up...

allrightmeow

shortnatie said:

We were having intercourse knowing I may or may not get pregnant. He told me is fine with the pregnancy as well. He wants to see his other child but the mother will not let him. He doesnt want to take her to court because the likelihood of him getting to see his daughter is only a couple days a week. Ilhe doesnt want to pay child support and she her at a minimal. His choice if tried talking him into it.

Wow

Twiggymommy

I'm sorry... I'm going come off as a total bitch but honestly he doesn't take care of the one he had (regardless of how much he sees her he should sell take care if his child any way he can) what honestly makes you think he'll help with yours? I've seen it too many times before.

Twiggymommy

GhostMonkey said:

Twiggymommy said:

I'm sorry... I'm going come off as a total bitch but honestly he doesn't take care of the one he had (regardless of how much he sees her he should sell take care if his child any way he can) what honestly makes you think he'll help with yours? I've seen it too many times before.

Because 18.



Well I hope she grows the fuck up fast.

HerHighness

I just dont understand how you are okay with him not supporting his children. That would be grounds for dumpsville if i were you.

Meery82

Shit. I was stupid at 18, but not stupid enough to get involved with a guy with a kid, especially one he doesn't care to see, and getting myself pregnant.

mandi195

GhostMonkey said:

Meery82 said:

Shit. I was stupid at 18, but not stupid enough to get involved with a guy with a kid, especially one he doesn't care to see, and getting myself pregnant.

I know. I was totes going to marry my fiance and go to college and have all the babies. We were planning like 12 because we were awesome like that. And he was all "Yay babies! Let's have one now!".

And I was all:

I wasn't far off from this either. I was "engaged" (or something like it) at 18 to the "love of my life"... and he was all about having the babies... and I was all about college. We stayed together for my first year of college and then called it quits. I was SO in love with him; and now at 31 am SO glad I didn't marry and have babies with him... because we still have some mutual friends, and the life he chose to lead is NOTHING like the life I'm thrilled I currently have. 

Twiggymommy

Meery82 said:

Shit. I was stupid at 18, but not stupid enough to get involved with a guy with a kid, especially one he doesn't care to see, and getting myself pregnant.

Usually I agree with everything you say but I myself got involved with someone with a kid at 19 but he was supporting himself and the baby with the birth mom nowhere to be found... We're still together, have another son and ds1 only knows me as his mom so it's not ALWAYS bad...

Just saying

Edited because my phone fucked up

sandrabrooke

I thought I was super awesome smart at 18. 

Now at 22 I think I'm super freaking dumb.  Go figure.  Still learning how this big ole world works.  

janda426

GhostMonkey said:

You are the exception, not the rule.

For real. Like hell is that ever the norm in that situation