Looking for feedback/perspective on visitors

minirella

Hi. I'm new to the site and I am looking for feedback on how you handled visitors at the hospital and immediately after coming home with your babies.

I am due to have the twins at the later part of December. We have a 4 year old child as well and I was very inconvenienced and overwhelmed with unannounced visitors. Several feelings were hurt and one person felt the need to send an email to my husband expressing their outrage; someone ended up getting a full frontal of me in the shower because they decided to just walk into the hospital room, and several other things that happened. The nurses didn't help with visitors at all, so I don't plan on them doing so this time. I plan on being a private patient in the hospital this time around and hopefully solve some of that.

We also had issues when we got home, for instance, we had someone show up while I was nursing and expect me to stop so they could hold the baby and just get them a bottle so they could do the feeding, had the obligatory...I'm going to go peek on a sleeping baby and come out of the room holding a woken up baby, etc. I could handle some of the inconvenience with a singleton but I don't think I'll be able to do it with twins.

Looking for feedback as to what others have done, how it worked out, and if you'd change anything. Thanks!

KatieGummow

A lot of people I know told everyone they would announce the baby's arrival when they got home. Then when they sent out the announcement they asked that visitors email/call/text when they could come and not to knock or ring the door bell because of sleeping babies (we got a sign), they would make sure their phone was off silent when expecting visitors.

Good luck!

12bailey18

I almost posted the exact question tonight! I'm looking at limiting visitors more for the germs aspect of it than anything. My singleton was in the hospital for a week at 11 days old with pneumonia. I often wonder if it's because I was too lenient when she came home since she was my second. I also want to give us time to get adjusted before we have company. I've never had anyone show up announced. That would annoy me, twins or not! If that does happen, I'll have my mom or DH just say it's not a good time. I think all all of our friends will be understanding to our wishes. I'm also surprised your nurses didn't help in the hospital. That seems strange to me.

minirella

Being born in the middle of cold & flu season is a concern of mine as well.

My husband is part of the problem when it comes to his family. He won't turn them away and they like to bring entourages over (family and non-family members) even though they will tell you it is just themselves. Also, his step-sister has declared that she is bringing the family here for 1-2 weeks during Christmas in hopes that the babies will be born during that time. When my other was a baby, she was the only visitor that I had that refused to leave and ended up staying 3 hours with her ex-brother in law and his kids who she picked up on the way over.

The nurses at the hospital initially told me they love to make up reasons as to why patients cannot have visitors. I had originally registered as a private patient but a nurse talked me into changing it. After I got settled into the L&D room, my nurse told me that they don't like to lie or get involved in regulating visitors and that I was going to have to get my husband or another family member to be the contact point.

My first was born 11 minutes after visiting hours closed, so I got the night off from visitors but the next day, people were showing up at the hospital bright & early, getting my room number from the welcome desk and coming on up. My husband was in and out during the day and I was at the front of the post-partum hall away from the nurses station, so there wasn't anyone to deal with visitors except myself. A lactation consultant at the hospital did ask one of my visitors to leave after they disrupted some patients on the post-partum hall (older southern woman that felt the need to make an entrance)....

I apologize for this being long. It is the only thing that I feel overwhelmed about and I don't even know where to start. Secretly, I was hoping someone had dealt with family antics like this. The advice that I get IRL is that I should embrace visitors but dammit, I am a private person and don't want a ton of visitors (this was part of the hurt feelings last time).

SallyAnneS

I could have written tour post myself. This was one of the first things Dh and i discussed after my bfp because i am still overwhelmed by the family drama that happened after Ds was born. On top of the drama and the none stop visitors coming during and after my labour i got ppd immediately after the birth. And it was all just a huge emotional mess.

Dh doesn't usually have a backbone to say no to our families. But he gets that this is very important to me this time around. So we have set up a plan to make US happy and probably will upset everyone else. To bad, this is about us and our needs.

So we will tell people i am in labour, we will tell people/send pictures when he babies are born. But no one is allowed to come to the hospital at that point. We are going to spend time the 4 of us.And then have my mom drop Ds off at the doors to the hospital and spend time the 5 of us. And then everyone else can come.

I know it will piss people off that they have to wait so long. Especially my mom when she drops Ds off and isn't allowed to come up. But i think it is only right that Ds gets to meet his siblings before everyone else does. And he will be overwhelmed by it all so i want it to stay as quiet and peaceful for him as possible during his time meeting them.

After we have started to bond as a family then everyone else can come.

I don't really mind visitors at home so i am not concerned about that as much. As long as people remember to include Ds in there excitment.

basil2

Wow- I can't imagine dealing with that.
The nurses can and should enforce a no visitors policy (same as they wouldn't allow strangers in) but there's no need to have them lie or explain things (all they should have to say is that you aren't accepting visitors).
It will probably go better if you nicely warn people in advance.

minirella

I'm hoping to have a few days of being left alone at home just to try and figure things out without interruptions. I just have a feeling that with the babies coming around the holidays that it is going to be worse this time.

 

My family isn't anything to worry about...my mom is deceased and my dad will come for a few hours on Christmas Day. No real hype about the babies on my side.

I'm also debating whether or not we should try and limit children visitors especially with the cold/flu season. Thoughts?

 

basil2

You may want to limit visitors for more than a few days. A few short visits can be nice but there's a lot to do without much sleep and it may be a while (depending on your personality and needs) before you want many visitors.
We didn't have any child visitors for the first month or so -it's a trade off - if there are kids that it's important to have visit you can have them wash hands and not be near the babies - but I felt more comfortable simply not having kids there.
You may also want to ask about vaccine status of visitors (whether kids are up to date with routine ones/ whether adults have had flu and pertussis vaccines).
It can certainly be awkward but it sounds like you really need to set limits.
Good luck!

erinwithtwins

We aren't going to tell anyone when we go into labor and definitely the first day they are born. IF I feel good on day 2 then super close people might get told. If not we will tell people when we get home. I would never drop in on someone in the hospital!

diz1313

If someone were just drop in on me, especially at the hospital I would probably be so inclined to shake them like a snow globe. There are just something's that decent human beings do not do. Just because there is a new baby does not mean that your space has become a public venue.

minirella

Thank you all for the replies. Just hope family members will be as understanding.

sasky

DH was essentially the liaison with guests. We established that ahead of time, but even if we hadn't talked about it, I think he would have just assumed the role automatically.

If people asked if they could come, he would ask me and let them know either way. I said yes/no probably 50% of the time. My mom and MIL were also big advocates when it came to guests and keeping people away if necessary. We both have big families with lots of people who wanted to visit. Generally everyone is respectful and will check ahead with us. But if anything changes or anyone stops by unexpectedly (happened once at hospital and a couple times at home), we had no problems turning people away.

One time my nurse basically kicked people out, which I loved her for. It's much harder to get rid of people once they're there than it is to turn them away!

HeavenBlessedMom

Wow, I've never heard of this!
we did not invite anyone to the hospital except our parents grandparents and siblings.we had 3 other people ask Tom And we said okay even now I didn't really want them to but it was alright
With the triplets, we only had our parents come bc they'd had whopping cough. My grandparents came 2 wks later, when they were bigger, & whooping cough kicked in.
That's it. No shot, no way. And siblings saw them when they came home between 6-8 wks. Everyone else saw them after their term date of 40 wks. Be a bitch of u want. .. at least ur kids healthy!

Millimeter

My husband's family was there the day of the birth and the day after--his parents, sisters, and young nephews. I was so out of it from the c-section that I had no idea what was going on. At one point I woke up with his entire family crowded in my room, eating room service and watching TV, while my husband and babies were nowhere to be seen.

Let's just say I had a nice freak out session where my husband kicked them out, the nurses put up a "no visitors" sign, and they tried to keep the visitors away.

I would make sure your husband will take an active role in keeping people away. My husband couldn't say no to his family (he can now!) so the nurses were more than willing to help out and I made it known that I didn't want anyone there. His dad and step mom came the day before we we supposed to come home, "just for a short visit" that turned into an hour of them just sitting on the couch watching TV. When they wouldn't get my hints to leave, I told them to get the hell out because my husband had a lot of stuff to do at home yet and I still wasn't comfortable taking care of the two babies on my own.

Sorry for the long stories!

If I could do it over, family would be told beforehand what our policy on visitors is, I would tell the nurses I don't want any visitors, and I wouldn't wait so long to tell everyone to get out. If someone's feelings get hurt, so what? Your babies and your sanity are more important.

We didn't have any visitors once we got home because they knew they couldn't walk all over me. If they showed up, we just wouldn't open the door. I had done that in the past and it worked wonderfully.

I agree to be a bitch if you want. I have done whatever I have to to make sure my kids and their needs are taken care of. I was always the sweet, quiet girl that was walked all over by my in-laws until my twins came. In the past year they have all learned I'm not the same person, and it has been a lot easier!

jeephappygirl

Since I wanted some of my family there it was only fair to allow his. They were all camped out in the waiting room. It was no problem for me to be as blunt as needed to get my privacy. Sure some were offended but they got over it. Also I didn't hold back with whipping out the boobs. I told people I was about to do it and most of them left because they were uncomfortable.

Mine were born 11/7 at 5.5 & 5.10 lbs. The ped made it very clear that they were to be kept home as much as possible. We only went to doc appts & stopped at his grandma's because she physically can't get around well. We only went to my brother's for Christmas. This annoyed his family but the babies health was priority. His sister has a 4 & 6 yr old who are always sick. Keeping them from babies was possible but not my 3 yr old. If she got sick she would pass to the babies for sure. My extended family just met them on the 4th of July. Good luck & stand your ground. It's overwhelming with one new baby, even more with twins.

ksgsmu

oh wow I need to get a plan it seems!  Our babies will probably be here around Christmas/New Years.  We have huge families who love us but also smother us a bit. Our out of town family is already talking about coming up for Christmas since I can't travel.  I think I need to go ahead and tell them that's not a good idea!

I didn't even think about cold/flu season!  I told my husband he had to get a flu shot this year, but didn't think about family.  I know my parents won't have an issue with it but DH's family will freak if I tell them to hold the babies they need to have their flu shots etc... oh wow this is going to be interesting.

FaeryStarGazer

Holy crap. It doesn't sound like you need advice, it sounds like you need to move. What a bunch of jerks!

You might be covered though, if the babies are born early. I know the NICU has pretty strict rules about who can come in then. I will likely be in the minority, but there's no way I would require anyone to get flu shots; if you think feelings are itchy now wait until you demand they inject themselves with drugs ;P 

Since your husband won't control his family, you really are going to have to say that for the time being you want to be alone to enjoy your little family. My mom is a nurse on the mother-baby floor and she tells family members all the time that the mother is busy, or that they've requested no visitors right now. But the job really is YOURS to tell people in the first place that you would like privacy. Feelings will be hurt, again, but at least they'll have time to build a bridge and GET OVER IT. Start telling people ASAP that you don't want hospital visitors, even if you are lucky enough to not need any NICU time. Get cell numbers for everyone, and be sure to text pictures-- that's what people want after all, to see the new babies! You could send out a mass email that just says, "We want to let everyone know that we won't be having hospital visitors after the babies are born but please send me your number and we will be sure to text you all the vital stats and let you know when our DR has given the all clear for home visitations"

I didn't really care who came to the hospital, or who visited us. I figured the more hands on deck the better! My daughters were born at 37w but were really small - 5lb4oz and 4lb 13oz. Our ped didn't encourage us to stay indoors or anything, but did tell us that everyone would need to wash hands before holding or touching the babies. 

BeesKnees181

Let me preface my comment by telling you I have just seen off a house full of visitors.  We took no visitors at the hospital - it was WAY too hectic without visitors.  I was only at the hospital for two nights.  We had some neighbors stop in our first night home with the girls, and they didn't stay long...we also kept them herded in the entry way.  We did not take visitors until we were ready - this went for my mother, my husband's mother, all family and friends.  Our neighbors dropped us off dinner every night for the first three weeks and most of them would just hand the food off at the door and not bother us.  Some people will not have the same discretion you expect of people around / handling newborns...also many multiples are born early, so that throws a little more into the mix.  My mother came the second week we were home from the hospital.  Two friends stopped by, sans children and with dinner for us at three weeks.  Another set of friends stopped by at 4 weeks...brought their dog, kids, and dinner.  That was a bit much for us.  Our house is small, so it has worked best to have max two visitors stay with us at a time.  Anything more than that at this point (13 weeks) makes me have meltdowns. 

LittleLady77

We basically had a no visitors policy for the first 5 weeks. My mom and dad came to the hospital 2 days after they were born but other than that we told people no. I just wasn't up for it. I had a horrific delivery and if people didn't like it they can kiss my ass.

MissEm15

I have no experience.. but this is what I am dreading. My in-laws are so great.. but they are so in our business. One of DH's cousin's just had a baby and I heard there were 10 ppl in the delivery room waiting to hold the baby. I'd freak.

minirella

I don't know if I had mentioned this above but my husband grew up in the city we live as did his parents and they know a lot of people. Many of the visitors that we had with my first child, I barely knew and were just friends of the family so it wasn't like I could text or email them personally. Like I said, some just showed up at the hospital and then others came to the house accompanying his parents. That's where most of the problems lie. I will just have to put the bug in their ears about visitors. His mom had mentioned the possibility of a meet & greet the other day and I brought up cold and flu season and it not being a good idea.

Our children are and will be my in-laws only blood grandchildren. They would lose their minds if they couldn't see the babies. Honestly, I can deal with just grandparents (I actually have a great relationship with my in-laws) and his mom is actually extremely helpful (has watched my daughter on a part-time basis since she was 10 weeks). It is everyone else that is overwhelming to me.

auntjessy

Honestly, I decided to just let it go because I didn't want any hurt feelings.  I know that childbirth is a personal experience, but celebrating the birth is a family thing.  

It does sound like some people crossed some boundaries, though.  You'd need to be very stern on those.  Do you have a friend, sister, or sister-in-law that is very firm and could stand guard over you and lay down the law?  It might help if you didn't have to be the one to enforce all the boundaries all the time.

minirella

Yes, I plan to register as private. Don't think it is crazy at all and we were originally private with my first but I got talked out of it. My husband is friends with a former hospital security guard where I delivered and he had told me about registering as private with my first.

I don't have anyone that I would that I would put at the forefront to deal with visitors...my MIL would probably be my best bet but I think it is really going to come down to me and the hubby.

Rynleigh

Milk the fact that multiples typically come at least two weeks early (assuming you have few to no complications) and have underdeveloped immune systems and that you simply CANNOT have visitors coming to see them for the first couple of weeks, that you must be proactive to protect them from infections. It might be a little bit of a stretch if they are only two weeks early, but it may work