"My {insert name of typically developing child} does that, too"

Junebug060609

Grrr.

Said in a way to make me feel better, but all it really does is make me think they think we, and every specialist and teacher he's had in the last year, are wrong with the dx. Yes, I'm sure he does line up his trucks...but all day, everyday? That plus about a million other signs... There really is no denying reality here... believe me, I've tried.

Sorry, needed to vent a bit.

blondegirl74

Oh gosh, I hate this! Sadly I've heard this mostly from my family. My mom was doing it because she thought it would make me feel better until I had to explain to her it actually did the opposite. Luckily she listened.

Junebug060609

She's actually known about the (then probable) dx since a week after we had the a-bomb dropped on us (about a year ago). I called my mom distraught and I think in my moms trying to process it she shared with my siblings (this is a SIL). I wanted to scream at mom and had to tell mom about the panic attacks I was having whenever I even heard the word. Thankfully I'm past that now and don't mind discussing it now.

I'm sure she was just trying to make me feel better, but it came across as her implying that something I'd attributed to asd was normal (lining cars up by size). What I don't think she took into account was how frequently he does it...or all the other stuff he does (spinning, flapping, grunting, not talking at almost three, infrequent eye contact...I could keep going). We spent a fair bit of time with them last summer and I could easily point out a half dozen instances of his asd shining through (stereotypy while on a duck boat and while watching sprinklers and while on a train ride, and him completely spazzing out at a museum...if he gets over stimulated he doesn't meltdown, he runs/jumps/grunts while smiling hugely).

I'd considering pointing those things out and explaining the whole frequency and intensity thing to them. My brother, her DH, has madesimilar comments.

blondegirl74

My mom does this too. She takes on any pain I may have as hers and then tells everyone else for her support. It's frustrating and I know she means well, but I finally did have to have a talk with her about it. ( I tried to do the quote thin,I hope this is right, lol. Ok it wasn't, I will figure it out later)

funchicken

blondegirl74 said:

My mom does this too. She takes on any pain I may have as hers and then tells everyone else for her support. It's frustrating and I know she means well, but I finally did have to have a talk with her about it. ( I tried to do the quote thin,I hope this is right, lol. Ok it wasn't, I will figure it out later)

Oh my gosh, I think we have the same mother.

CaptainSerious

Ugh. I hate this. So many people, trying to convince us that things "aren't as bad" as *they* think they really are. I really don't think guarding diagnoses help here, as I don't share my sons' diagnoses with most people, but we often talk in general about how each other's kids are doing and general behavior.


And in my case, this is one of those things that isn't just related to SNs, bit also to adoption. If I ever mention something in passing, people automatically assume that I'm worried it's either tied to adoption or the possibility of SNs, and try to persuade me it's not as bad as all that. They would never do that to patents in a typical family. They thing is, half the time I'm not worried at all, because I understaffed the behavior is normal kid stuff and it never cruised my mind there was something wrong or that it's tired to the adoption--that's *their* phobia, not mine. The other half, I *know* there is an actual reason to be concerned, so their stories of typical children really don't apply.

I don't usually get too upset by all this except when it comes from someone who should know better, like my parents, brother/SIL, or in-laws. They *know* the deal, all about what we are facing with the kids, and yet they are always minimizing things. My father is the worst about this. It's like he thinks that I have the worst possible view of our potential outcome, and he's trying to pull me out of some abyss and show me the, "it's not do bad" light. He always tells me I shouldn't read/learn about our diagnoses so much or put the kids through so many doctor's appointments, because we are all just guessing, and no one knows what the outcome will be. I should worry myself to death. "Uh, gee thanks, Dad. You're right, I should just remain woefully ignorant of the possible outcomes and not do anything to help them achieve their best potential."

typeset

I use the beagle example.

We have beagles. They are bred to do two things: smell stuff and tell you when they smell stuff, loudly. They can be heard through woods and across fields. They can be annoying as all get out. Other dog owners love to tell me that "oh, all dogs sniff, all dogs bark."

Not like this.

My kid is hardwired to go longer, harder, stronger than other kids. 

I still get this in team meetings, but it's usually to assure me that whatever he isn't doing is typical: "Three-year-olds don't talk about their friends." Horse pucky.

MirandaHobbes

Yeah. All.day.long from everyone I know. I have a BFF (who doesn't have kids) who will interrupt me when I'm talking about DS's IEP or whatever and say "But Miranda, you're making him sound worse than he is. He's FINE." Needless to say this friendship is beginning to strain, and usually requires alcohol. And Auntie hit the nail on the head- I should know better by now to just not talk about it with her.

My Mom pulls this all the time too- I'm very close to sending her this link: https://www.yeahgoodtimes.com/   Click on the "All Kids Do That" tab for similar stories from other parents.

newbee36

blondegirl74 said:

My mom does this too. She takes on any pain I may have as hers and then tells everyone else for her support. It's frustrating and I know she means well, but I finally did have to have a talk with her about it. ( I tried to do the quote thin,I hope this is right, lol. Ok it wasn't, I will figure it out later)

That would be my mom as well! Oh, how many times she's told me "but this kid...does the same ...". And that's been going on forever. We are newly diagnosed, but I've been suspecting it forever.. I plain told her one day.. You are not helping me feel better. At all... If you want to help, start educating yourself on HFA and accept that your grandson most likely has it. That helped.

blondegirl74

Yea, I don't think either sets of grandparents ever refer to DS as autistic. Don't get me wrong, they are fully supportive of everything we have done from diagnosis until now, but the "a" word is just too scary! One day when my DS was 3, I asked my mom how many other 3 year old she knew liked air conditioning vents and she replied with, " well he's just unique" gahhhh!

newbee36

blondegirl74 said:

Yea, I don't think either sets of grandparents ever refer to DS as autistic. Don't get me wrong, they are fully supportive of everything we have done from diagnosis until now, but the "a" word is just too scary! One day when my DS was 3, I asked my mom how many other 3 year old she knew liked air conditioning vents and she replied with, " well he's just unique" gahhhh!

Unique, yes Mom is coming around too. Like your mom, she really wants to be supportive, but needs guidance how to be supportive. They (her and my dad) don't mention the "a" word either. But they are accepting that there is something different about their grandson. They are learning.. As for the rest of the world, I try to ignore comments of that sort.