Babies vs. car seats

littlemurphy2912

This post isn't anything to do with my DD but more about a situation I am trying to figure out right now between my best friend and her baby. The reason I am posting this is to see if anyone has any suggestions I could maybe give to my best friend regarding this or figure out if I will ever see her again. My best friend after she became a mom for the first time almost a year ago hasn't been able to do much outside of her house with her hubby or baby because the baby doesn't like the car seat. Her and I have been friends for several years, we've been very close all of those years, she relocated an hour away from me years ago but would always find time to come into town to see some of her college friends or go to her hometown's football games and would try and see me. After she had her baby she hasn't been in-touch with me much. I try and stay in-touch with her but she doesn't do much back as she used to (in my opinion) since having her baby. She tells me that I need to come and visit with her but she doesn't tell me when she is available for me to come and see her and she says she can't do much with leaving the house to do things because she doesn't want to leave her baby whom she is exclusively breastfeeding still and the baby doesn't like the car seat. Her baby screams and cries while she is in her car seat. They give her toys and whatever they can to make her happy but she doesn't like it so she doesn't take her outside of the house much except if its to go to certain places close to where she lives. We haven't seen each other since her baby was 5 days old and her baby will be turning 1 in August. My hubby invited her, her hubby, and baby to a surprise birthday party of mine that my hubby planned for me but she didn't make it because she didn't want to leave her baby and she's not good in a car seat. Has anyone else dealt with this before with their baby? I'm sure babies don't like car seats for whatever reason but does anyone allow that to be the reason to not leave and get out of the house or go on a vacation or such? I have a feeling that her and I's relationship may be going down hill and not sure if there is something I can try and do to help it not or if it's more on her end.

littlemurphy2912

Yeah I am not sure what to do at this point either. She has changed a bit since having her baby which is understandable because I know that kind of thing happens to first time moms. I know she is SO in-love with her baby which is completely acceptable and she even has limited herself from social media and her phone to spend as much time as possible with her baby while it's awake. I notice that she will text me if I've texted her a lot more when her baby is asleep but when her baby wakes up she will tell me that she might be slow getting back to me because the baby woke up. I am not sure if she is depressed. I don't think she is but I think she is maybe a little too crazy over her baby. She keeps saying she wants to go on a vacation but she can't because her baby doesn't do well in the car seat. I invited her to my DD's 2nd birthday party and she has another family members birthday party that day to go to but not sure if she's going to go to her family members one or not. She didn't say much about coming to my DD's. She invited me to her baby's birthday which is the day after my DD's birthday party. In my mind I am saying go to the party so I can see her but then I think will it be worth it since she isn't making any attempts to try and come and see me because her baby is calling the shots as to what she does right now. I'm just not sure what to do or what to think about it all. I know that if I were to be honest with her and tell her how I feel she would appreciate it in one way but wouldn't be happy about it and may not talk to me for awhile. I did send her an email after her baby was born trying to help her figure out things with it that I had already experienced even though I know babies are much different from each other and she never said anything to me about it. She wants to be the main person that comforts her baby at all times. She doesn't want someone else to comfort her baby because she is the baby's mom. (How do you make it so that I can break this long story into paragraphs? I keep trying to do it but it's not working)

littlemurphy2912

That's what I am afraid of. That maybe I just need to let her be and who knows if she will come around more after her baby is a bit more older and she's able to do more things. I don't know. But even then I am not sure if I should act like I'm happy that she is finally coming around. It is sad but you said it perfectly that I feel like I am walking in egg shells to keep our friendship going and to not upset her. You are not being a bitch at all in my opinion. You are just being honest and I appreciate it. It's sad that I think this is what it has come to considering how close we were up to the day she had her baby and then it's just kind of gone down hill and I have said stuff to her about our friendship and she thinks everything is just fine but that having a baby is a big adjustment and she's still trying to adjust to having a baby. So I don't know. You aren't the only one that has told me to just let it go and stop trying to do all the work when she's not doing it in return. So maybe I just need to do that even though I miss her like crazy and think about them. I keep telling myself I need to not associate myself with people that are like this but it's hard when one of your best friends is doing it. Ugh!

littlemurphy2912

I have no idea if she has PPD or PPA. I don't even know if she would tell me she did have that. Ever since she has been this way, I have asked others what they thought or if I am not being considerate of her being a first time mom and adapting to having a baby around and such but everyone has told me it doesn't seem right of how she's being. I will not tell her how I feel unless she asks me because it won't do any good right now even though I am hurt and surprised how everything has changed since she had the baby.

aglenn

Well, I'd say it sounds like there's something else going on besides just a car seat issue or a demanding baby.  Whatever it is, she doesn't want to talk to you about it right now, so I think all you can do is give her space and let her know you're not upset and are there for her if/when she is ready to reach out.

yeah.

Wow, some of you are rough friends. She sounds like she has a touch of PPD and cutting her out does not seem like a good solution.

Until you have that kid, you can't judge. It is sucky to have a hard baby and usually, it's just easier to stay home.

Try to be more understanding.

yeah.

theresat858 said:

I really really really hope that for her babies sake, she is not actually exclusively breastfeeding.  After 6 months, babies NEED solid foods in addition to breastmilk.  Presumably she just means that she is still breastfeeding and not giving formula or cow's milk (and maybe hasn't introduced water).

That's not true. Babies live on breastmilk or formula for the first year...food is just for practice.

barnwife

theresat858 said:

I really really really hope that for her babies sake, she is not actually exclusively breastfeeding.  After 6 months, babies NEED solid foods in addition to breastmilk.  Presumably she just means that she is still breastfeeding and not giving formula or cow's milk (and maybe hasn't introduced water).
 

@theresat858
Absolutely untrue. It is perfectly fine to delay solids until much past 6 months. Actually, in many places outside the US, that's the recommendation. (Think third world countries where there isn't access to well-balanced nutrition.) 

I have nothing to add that others haven't already said, I just couldn't let this untrue information be spread.

littlemurphy2912

My friend has been breastfeeding her baby since it was born. Also her baby will not take a bottle and is not on a schedule. She nurses her baby whenever her baby wants to be fed. When her baby has shown interest in solid foods my friend will let her baby try some but her baby doesn't like it and won't eat it. She's not pushing it on her baby which is fine. I support my friend on about anything she wants to do with her life or her family (even if I don't agree with it or it isn't what I would do). I will always support her because that's what friends do and I will be honest with her when I can be. I am so happy she is a mommy and loves being with her baby and spending time with it. I also feel like she is allowing her baby to control the kind of life she wants to have and put a rut in our friendship. I know this sounds selfish of me but when I had my DD and was on maternity leave she would talk to me a lot or get in-touch with me and I would talk to her and tell her anything and everything because that's the kind of person I am and the kind of friendship we have/had. I didn't want to shut my friends out of my life and I still wanted to have a fun social life even with being a parent. I miss not always talking to her and I understand she has a baby and wants to give it all of her attention which is fine but I wonder if she still wants to be friends with me or have a social life outside of being a parent. When I have asked her for her advice on me still having a social life she has told me to go for it and that having a baby doesn't mean you have to not have fun anymore when you get the opportunity to. But when it comes to her having fun or getting out she will not. Just doesn't make sense to me.

Ya Never Know

While I could understand staying close to home if it was a disaster every time I tried to go out, what I can't understand is why your friend can't commit when you're willing to come out her way.

Maybe offer to go to her again, but don't end the conversation without having set up the date/time to hang out. If she can't commit, then I'd flat out ask her if there's a problem as you miss her and are trying to make it easier for her by going the distance.

I can understand difficult car babies, and the anxiety of having to take a long drive with a baby screaming in the back seat. It was brutal every time I took the car when DD was young and got stuck in rush hour going to pick DH up from work, granted I did it anyway because I needed to get out, but I could understand how someone would want to avoid it.

I also explained it to my friends, but I also still made time to see them, even if it was a little less often than before.

It's a tough situation, but if you try to get together and its a no go every time, I think a conversation needs to take place.

TiffanyBerry

I'm going to say it sounds like PPD.  I know you don't think it is, but people can fool the heck out of you, and she has a laundry list of things that meet the list.

That said, yeah, my daughter is four and I don't text back to people much during the day when she's awake most of the time.  When she was little, she was the primary determiner of our schedule, because life sucked if it wasn't that way.  Yeah, I saw my friends a lot less and still have a much smaller social life, because scheduling more than one or two things in a day (and that includes doctors appointments and errands!) makes my life more stressful than I want.  Does that mean I see friends less?  Yes.  Is the stress of making all those meetups with friends happen more often worth the stress?  Turns out the answer is no.  Not for me.

Don't judge your friend too much, especially since you aren't very close to her now.

It's totally reasonable to feel sad and hurt that you don't have the friend you once had, but you know what, babies DO change things.