Mourning death of father while pregnant

amhalp1

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with twins and am dealing with the inevitable (very soon) loss of my father who is currently in hospice, dying from cancer. I come from a wonderful family that is a great support system, have a terrific husband and I love my dad so very much. Anyone who knows my father feels the same because he's such a great person. My thoughts are that I want to do the best I can to keep my unborn children safe by helping myself. I am planning to start seeing a therapist again and I'm welcome to any other suggestions people might have....or questions/comments. I can't imagine how hard this is going to be since it already is so tough but I feel that I can make it through.

amhalp1

I wanted to mention too that I've had two miscarriages previously and this is our first successful pregnancy through ivf. The pregnancy has been going very well.

MrsHamon09

Huge ((hugs)) I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but sending my T&P to you and your family during this difficult time

Samuelismomma

I'm so sorry:( lost my dad to cancer when I was 11 he was my best friend. I would add it is ok to cry and grieve. I think your worried about the stress on little one..yes? Holding anything in will be worse. A therapist is good idea and I know it sounds silly but yoga or meditation, the breathing and calm will help the stress and counteract the feeling you feel with your grief. My t&p's are with you and your family...

Danielle0311

I am so very sorry about your father I think seeing a therapist is a good idea, mine helped me so much through my miscarriages. I wish I had more advice but really just wanted to offer ((hugs))

Mom2anAngel2

Many T&Ps for you, your family and yor father. I have not lost a parent so I don't have advise, but I will be thinking about all of you.

dragonfly1809

I lost my mom to breast cancer last year - I was 26 weeks with my son Finn at the time. I had been her primary caregiver, and spent every day in hospice with her (some nights too)..

It was not easy. My hair fell out, I gained too much weight..

It was strange though.. My doctor said to me just a few weeks before she died that death is a beautiful thing, and being a part of it is special. I was soAd when he said that - I didn't understand. She died early in the morning as the sun rose - her room filled with warm pink light, and it all felt really peaceful. In the end it really was very special.

The whole situation was heartbreaking. She was sad to be missing out on meeting my baby.

How could we have ever known she would have him with her so soon.

It's not easy, and there is no way to ease your pain ...but you can find ways to incorporate your dad into your baby's life - decoration in the nursery, picture books (Shutterfly can print board books of your photos)
...find ways to keep him around and your heart will find peace.

My father passed away 16 years ago - four months after the birth of my daughter.

I completely understand what you're going through.

xo

JustinsGirl2011

I am so sorry you're losing your father. Sending you big ((hugs)) & lots of T&Ps.

peggels24

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I don't have any specific advice with dealing with loss while pregnant but I did lose both of my parents in the past ten years.  

General advice is to allow yourself time to grieve.  Take a day or two away from everyone else (stay home when everyone goes back to work or do something that relaxes you - like a massage or shopping or something) and allow yourself to be sad - it's ok to be sad.

My T&P's are with you.

carlsonbaby2014

I'm so sorry to hear about your father ((((((((((hugs)))))))))). Your family will be in my T&Ps. I lost my dad very suddenly in 2009 and have to say that going to a therapist was the best thing for me. It really helped to have someone outside of my circle to speak with in confidence about my feelings and she really helped me through the grief process. The only other advice I have us to also let your doctor know what is going on in case you're managing symptoms of anxiety and depression. More ((((hugs)))) I am so sorry.

laurenrae

I have no advice since I have not lost either of my parents but wanted to tell you how sorry I am

jenkellen

I am so sorry to read this. I lost my father very suddenly six years ago. I can't say I completely understand what you are going through because everyone's experience is different when losing a parent. I do understand what it's like to go through large milestones in life without them there. (marriage, children, etc).

One thing that helped me was after my dad passed, people that were close to him wrote funny stories about him and put it together in a book for us. I love reading it every once and a while. It makes me realize how many lives he touched in a positive way during his short life. I'd also encourage you to write down things you might want your dad to share with your future child. Advice, stories, etc. It will be important because as time passes some of the memories fade a bit and it will be important that your child know his/her grandfather. 

I'm an oddball, but seeing a therapist just isn't for me. I'm not a big talker of feelings, I like to keep busy and do things. When I wanted to talk, I wanted to talk to people that were close to me not a stranger. They understood how I dealt with things and gave me a lot of support. 

2redtulips

I am so very sorry. {{{hugs}}}

It sounds like you have a good plan in place with counseling. Rely on your family and friends. Ask for help with the babies when they come and take breaks for yourself.

luciddreamer106

((Hugs)). That must be so hard. I agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea to help you grieve. It's ok to be sad and it's ok to cry.

Cheekers2010

I can't relate exactly because my father died suddenly and unexpectedly but I can certainly relate to the grief. Unfortunately I got pregnant right around the day of his funeral and then miscarried two months later. It was very very hard for me to deal with the grief of his loss and then the mmc. I am pregnant again and finding that my grief is very near the surface these days. As far as dealing with it, well...I'm not sure that I have. I allow myself to cry a lot. I'm trying to be healthy - exercising, etc., because it is an emotional release for me. My problem is that I tend to spiral in my thinking and get trapped going over and over and over the events surrounding his death. I haven't figured out how to deal with that yet. I think seeing a therapist is a wonderful idea, though.

LifeofCat

I am so sorry to hear of your dad's condition.

I lost my mum in February to cancer, and had been one of her caregivers for the last few months leading up to her death. I was so sad to see her go, but like you, was surrounded by a loving and supportive family, and it made a big difference. You're in this together!

It's going to be a tough journey; just yesterday I had a really big cry because I miss her so so much. 

However, I can tell you are a strong and amazing woman, and will do what's best to take care of yourself; talking to a therapist is a big step, but don't be hard on yourself if you find it doesn't help/isn't working out. 

Since everyone is so different, I'm not sure what advice to offer, aside from keeping yourself surrounded by your awesome support system, do what feels good, and take good care of yourself as best you can.

PM me anytime you need to talk things out (((hugs)))

KMW08

I'm sorry to hear about your dad -- I know it hasn't & won't be an easy road.

About a year ago my cousin was battling cancer and at the very end it actually wasn't sad. I think most of her family (parents, siblings, kids, husband, cousins) had already dealt and somewhat grieved her death before she actually died. Her last days she just wasn't with us, her body was but her mind wasn't. I visited her the evening before she passed. On my way home I prayed to other deceased relatives to come find her and take her, to take her out of her pain and so that everyone could truly start healing and finalizing their grief.

When I got the news that next morning I just felt peace. As pp mentioned, death can be peaceful. I was at peace knowing she wasn't suffering any longer and knowing that my family could start to find themselves again and get back to a healthier & stable daily routine.

I hope you're able to do what you need to do for you to heal, stay healthy and process. (((Hugs)))

longcat07

i'm so sorry to hear about your father.  it sounds like you're being proactive, which is good.  i lost my husband suddenly when i was pregnant with DS, so i'll let you know what learned (even though circumstances are different).  the most important thing physically is to try to remember to stay hydrated in the early days when everything is major effort.  (sounds silly, but you lose track of time when grieving and can forget.)  eating is important too, but a little less so...just eat what you can, when you can.  letting things out is hard, but it's better than trying to "be strong" like a lot of people will tell you that you need to do.  a therapist will probably be helpful for this, but if your therapist isn't helping, don't be afraid to find a new therapist or try something different.

lots of T&P.  i'm so sorry your family is going through this.

sgio7485

I am so sorry. I lost my dad about six months ago very suddenly while he awaited a heart transplant. I also had just had a miscarriage. I immediately found a counselor who specialized in grief counseling, and that has been a huge help for me. I highly recommend that for you to help you process everything. ((Hugs))

nohalo21

I'm sorry about your father. I lost my father 5 years ago. It was very hard watching him suffer. Hospice had some resources to help with the whole grieving process. I also think the idea of seeing a counselor is a great idea. Thinking of you and your family during this time.