Hello, I am recently engaged to my fiancee who has a 5 year old daughter with his ex. We are in the military and are stationed in Nebraska, and his daughter lives with her mother in Pennsylvania. She has primary custody of her, and he sees her when he can. He is getting out of the military soon, but I am still stationed here. He has only seen her once since we have been together, which is 7 months. We drove to Pennsylvania and back and she spent a week here. She was not happy the whole time, having daily melt downs, crying for her mother, not listening to my fiancee at all, and I just thought she was a terrible brat, but I realize now that taking a 5 year old out of her comfort zone even if it's to see her father, she was going to have meltdowns because she missed her mother, so now I understand her behavior. Anyway, I am wondering if he is a bad parent for not seeing her more often? I think we have decided that until she gets older, we will go visit her in Pennsylvania rather than bringing her out here, so she is more comfortable, but it is very expensive to travel. Like I said he is getting out of the military so he has to establish himself in a new job, and start making money again. If he ever wanted to go see his daugther, I woudl gladly help pay for it. He and the ex are cordial but only for the child, so there's no chance of the ex bringing the kid here. Also, she is in school now and can't miss school. I'm new to parenting, I have no children of my own, but I want to make sure we aren't ignoring the child just because we are starting a new life together. I guess I just want advice, and insight as to how people handle being divorced, the child living with the ex, and living in another state. There isn't a chance I can get stationed near them either.
Is there a CO with visitation and child support established? If not, that needs to be his first step.
Does he talk to her on a regular basis? That means more than once a week. How long has it been since he stopped seeing her on a regular basis? Being long distance is no excuse for not keeping up a relationship. It isn't the same as physical contact, but unless he was in a war zone up until yesterday, there is no excuse for him not maintaining a phone/letter/Skype relationship. Even if it is only one way. At 5yo, she appreciates effort even though she is not able to always reciprocate or act like she cares.
As for long distance parenting,I'm sure others can be of more help. But for starters, there needs to be a CO that gives him regular visitation, outlining transportation and cost contribution. With her starting school, he can still get her a significant portion of the Summer and on holiday breaks. Also make sure phone calls/Skype sessions are outlined down to the tee (schedule set days and times in the CO). He should be contacting his DD as much as possible every week to rebuild the relationship between them. My SD has supervised visits with her BM EOWend, and she gets Tuesday and Thursday at 7p to call per the CO.
Is a bad parent? Mmm... is he a parent at all?Is the way he currently acts by his daughter an acceptable way for him to parent any future children the two of you may have? That's how you answer that question. If he really wants to change things and is willing to go through all the challenges to do so, then there is definitely hope. But if he is at ease and willing to let things stay the way they are, blame other people, and not go to the ends of the earth for even the slightest chance of knowing his daughter (and get a CO!), then he will not be different ever or for any future children.
I am the custodial parent of a child with an ex that is out of state. My biggest concern is that he seems to parent based on convenience and that is damaging to children. My suggestion is for you to ask him all the questions and look for real answers. Since she is five, ask in year 1 of her life how often did you see her, spend time with her, provide financial support for her, etc. Do the same for each year. That will give you a picture of his parenting style, seeing his child once in seven months is no where near enough and you should consider that how he parents her is probably how he will parent with your children together.
He should seek a co-parenting class to help him set a schedule for phone/skype/mail contact with the daughter and communicate with BM to work that info a feasible reintroduction. Allow him to do this not by calling for him or telling him he needs to call but by not planning events on the scheduled evenings or making sure that he doesn't.
If he does not follow through then you have your answer if he does then plan short day or overnight visits with just the two of them when possible near her home. He can go play on the playground at her school, take her to her favorite restaurant things that are familiar to her to help with being comfortable. Over the next few months gradually make the visits longer and in his home state.
Please understand that little kids can be jerks sometimes. It is not intentional they just lack the maturity to be able to explain what is wrong. When he had her for that visit he was asking her to live with a strange family in a strange place and act normal. That's something straight out of the twilightzone. His initial visits should be with her alone so that he can reconnect and introduce you later or very briefly so that she can have her dad and not have to share him with you or get used to you both at the same time. Please also leave communication regarding her to him and BM only.
I think your FI is in a good place with the BM because for one visit in seven months she allowed her DD to travel out of state for a week. That is way more than what I would have done. Try to have them work out a visitation and regular contact schedule that works for them and then take that to the courts instead of running to court to fight to get a visitation or custody order that creates bad blood and hurt feelings when it may not be necessary. By all means if communication is not working and visitation is halted despite your FI best efforts to co-parent then go to court.
This is all my opinion and others may give you different advise but do what is legal, in the best interest of the child and what works for your family.
New step mom here. SS is 9. His mom moved him out of state about 2 years ago. Unfortunately, moving was not in their CO. She has not paid any travel expenses thus far, even though she moved out of state. She has primary custody. It was extremely hard on SS to go from seeing his dad all the time (Thursdays & weekends) to nothing.
We get him summers and at Christmas. We pay an absurd amount of child support, but still get harassed for more. She's like that with money. Even became a stripper to get more money. Omg. Ya.
Parenting: DH has fallen into the trap of "he's only here for a little while, so just let him..." Omg NO! He's a spoiled ass little brat now! He throws fits that my 3 year old nephew doesn't even throw!
Didn't your mother teach you, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." Let's all (me too) try to remember this. Thank you.
Depression is ugly. Depression without meds is uglier. Robin Williams would agree with me.
Re: Becoming a step mom, ex lives in another state with primary custody
Does he talk to her on a regular basis? That means more than once a week. How long has it been since he stopped seeing her on a regular basis? Being long distance is no excuse for not keeping up a relationship. It isn't the same as physical contact, but unless he was in a war zone up until yesterday, there is no excuse for him not maintaining a phone/letter/Skype relationship. Even if it is only one way. At 5yo, she appreciates effort even though she is not able to always reciprocate or act like she cares.
As for long distance parenting,I'm sure others can be of more help. But for starters, there needs to be a CO that gives him regular visitation, outlining transportation and cost contribution. With her starting school, he can still get her a significant portion of the Summer and on holiday breaks. Also make sure phone calls/Skype sessions are outlined down to the tee (schedule set days and times in the CO). He should be contacting his DD as much as possible every week to rebuild the relationship between them. My SD has supervised visits with her BM EOWend, and she gets Tuesday and Thursday at 7p to call per the CO.
Is a bad parent? Mmm... is he a parent at all?Is the way he currently acts by his daughter an acceptable way for him to parent any future children the two of you may have? That's how you answer that question. If he really wants to change things and is willing to go through all the challenges to do so, then there is definitely hope. But if he is at ease and willing to let things stay the way they are, blame other people, and not go to the ends of the earth for even the slightest chance of knowing his daughter (and get a CO!), then he will not be different ever or for any future children.
I am the custodial parent of a child with an ex that is out of state. My biggest concern is that he seems to parent based on convenience and that is damaging to children. My suggestion is for you to ask him all the questions and look for real answers. Since she is five, ask in year 1 of her life how often did you see her, spend time with her, provide financial support for her, etc. Do the same for each year. That will give you a picture of his parenting style, seeing his child once in seven months is no where near enough and you should consider that how he parents her is probably how he will parent with your children together.
He should seek a co-parenting class to help him set a schedule for phone/skype/mail contact with the daughter and communicate with BM to work that info a feasible reintroduction. Allow him to do this not by calling for him or telling him he needs to call but by not planning events on the scheduled evenings or making sure that he doesn't.
If he does not follow through then you have your answer if he does then plan short day or overnight visits with just the two of them when possible near her home. He can go play on the playground at her school, take her to her favorite restaurant things that are familiar to her to help with being comfortable. Over the next few months gradually make the visits longer and in his home state.
Please understand that little kids can be jerks sometimes. It is not intentional they just lack the maturity to be able to explain what is wrong. When he had her for that visit he was asking her to live with a strange family in a strange place and act normal. That's something straight out of the twilightzone. His initial visits should be with her alone so that he can reconnect and introduce you later or very briefly so that she can have her dad and not have to share him with you or get used to you both at the same time. Please also leave communication regarding her to him and BM only.
I think your FI is in a good place with the BM because for one visit in seven months she allowed her DD to travel out of state for a week. That is way more than what I would have done. Try to have them work out a visitation and regular contact schedule that works for them and then take that to the courts instead of running to court to fight to get a visitation or custody order that creates bad blood and hurt feelings when it may not be necessary. By all means if communication is not working and visitation is halted despite your FI best efforts to co-parent then go to court.
This is all my opinion and others may give you different advise but do what is legal, in the best interest of the child and what works for your family.
It was extremely hard on SS to go from seeing his dad all the time (Thursdays & weekends) to nothing.
We get him summers and at Christmas. We pay an absurd amount of child support, but still get harassed for more. She's like that with money. Even became a stripper to get more money. Omg. Ya.
Parenting: DH has fallen into the trap of "he's only here for a little while, so just let him..." Omg NO! He's a spoiled ass little brat now! He throws fits that my 3 year old nephew doesn't even throw!