Enforcing Rules with SS

stokesm21

So, my SS is 10.  Up until now we have never had a problem with him or ever had to discipline him etc.  He is an only child in our house while he is the oldest of 4 at home so we think he often enjoys the peace he gets here.  However, he is getting older and I am noticing some bad habits that are spilling over from his house to ours that I do not agree with.  While I think consistency in the environment of both households is key (ha! in a perfect world right!), I can also tell he is not being held accountable for things at home and certainly do not want that type of behaviour to be condoned in my house.  Some more information to fill you in on the situation.  

• One time DH went to pick up SS and BM said that he was probably really tired as he was up past midnight the night before watching a movie (one of which I considered to be insanely inappropriate for a 9 yr old!)  This was my first clue into the fact that she probably let's him choose his own bedtime which I don't agree with.  Not to mention how late he *tries* to stay up at our house sometimes which we do not allow.  We try to remain consistent with his bedtime and I think have manage to do a good job thus far however.  Last weekend SS was watching a movie before bed and I come downstairs at 10pm, wondering what he was still doing down there, only to find that he has put on another movie.  I would have expected that he would have come upstairs after the first one was over but he didn't (which only furthers my suspicion about his behaviour at home.)  I tell him that it is late and time for bed. I linger downstairs while he goes to the washroom then goes upstairs.  I too go up and get into bed (not actually sleeping, I was watching a show). Then what does he do?  He turn on his TV and continues watching the movie (Netflix, no cable in our house). He has never done this before but needless to say I was furious!  So I go in there and say to him, "I told you that it was time for bed now turn off the TV."  Like what about, "it's late" and "time for bed" did he not understand!  I swear this kid could stay up later then me some nights if I let him!  But of course, I don't.  It just angers me that this is probably the norm at home.
  
  
• DH and I have been increasingly frustrated with SS's inability to clothe himself.  Every time he is here, every morning we come downstairs only to find that he is wearing all the exact same clothes he was wearing the day before.  We tell him to go upstairs and change into clean clothes.  I know he's a boy but I'm sorry, I just think it's gross.  We had our suspicions that he does not change every day at home which was also confirmed last weekend.  (@ BM's house.  DH gets there, SS is in shower.  Comes downstairs in dirty clothes.  BM makes a comment to SS about it but doesn't make him change.)
      
• For a short period of time we were giving SS an allowance to make his bed and bring down his dirty clothes before he leaves.  That didn't last long.  Rarely ever did he do it properly (or at all) so needless to say he didn't get an allowance often.  Then I read on the internet that you shouldn't give an allowance for things like putting laundry where it belongs, making bed, brushing teeth etc because these are life skills and responsibilities that need to be taught and done anyways.  It makes sense. Regardless, his ability to follow-through on these simple tasks has me convinced that his Mom (SAH) picks up after him constantly and doesn't make him do anything for himself.  Furthermore I am convinced that making a bed is foreign to him. 
  

These are just some of the things that happen.  Okay so we have not been very consistent and that is our fault.  I cannot blame him for that and I fully accept responsibility for being "that parent" but things need to change.  I know that we need to set rules and be consistent in enforcing them.  I need to stop acting like he is going to be this quiet, polite little child forever (because he is certainly moving away from that as he gets older) and start parenting him!  I am looking for advice on how to go about this with SS next time he is here?  I mean of course we sit down and have a conversation with him but I mean do we write rules out on bristol board and pin them up somewhere? Do we create a chore chart?  (He's 10 ... and a boy ... is this a lame idea? The thought of putting stickers on some board just seems very childish to me) What do you do in your home with your children or step-children?     

Thanks in advance and I apologize for how long this post was!        

ldmessing

Nothing you described sounds like major stuff, the boy sounds pretty normal to me. Watching tv late at night, if he doesn't have school the next day what is the big deal? If you really have a problem with how much tv he watches remove it from his room Not doing chores, making his bed is really not a huge deal and at his age he should be doing his own laundry anyway, let him live with the consequences on that I have 2 boys aged 10 and 13 and the wearing the same clothes all the time is pretty typical tween behavior for boys and girls I say you need to lighten up

JLHV1909

My sd rewears the same clothes all the time. I'm honestly waiting for her classmates to call her out on it for it to stop. It could be worse for you, she hates using soap (just took 9 documented months to finish one thing of body wash- and she knew I was marking the soap line weekly) and she doesn't have the greatest bathroom habits of cleaning her down under parts by wiping. I think the smelly/ doesn't care thing is typical of that age range.

With the tv, like the pp said if you don't like it- take it away. I hate that my sd stays up late watching tv all the time, but dh lets her have the tv in her room. Not my call, though it pisses me off. However, I smile knowing that in about a week, dh will start caring a lot more when he has to get her to the bus stop at 7:25!!!! Because of my hatred of a tv in kids rooms, my LO (I have a say) will not have one in his room until he is a lot older and good behavior patterns are established- my dh was surviving being a single dad when he put the tv in her room and now she "needs" it.