How often do you talk to your in-laws?

jallen76

I am so frustrated and fed-up.  If I don't initiate a phone call, text or visit we wouldn't talk to my husbands parents or family.  I feel like I am always the one setting things up and calling.  They never call.  They are always "on vacation" and have not been to our house in months!  They go to FL in the winter (Jan-May) and then in the summer they travel around to various campgrounds in their motorhome. It feels like they don't want anything to do with our family or our kids.  My kids are of the age that they are starting to ask why they never come around, or do thing with other cousins more, and when I do have them on the phone they don't want to talk to them.  There is just not a relationship there.  Which makes me so sad.  Just had to vent I suppose.  I almost feel like doing a little test and not calling or texting and see how long it takes before they even call.  Makes me sound spiteful, but I am so tired of this.

bumpuser8448316

My MIL and I talk every few days. We call each other pretty equally. We see her maybe once every other week or so. But she only lives 20 minutes away and I have a better relationship with her than my mother so there's that.

My parents are like your ILs. The never call, never want to do anything with us. And they only live abo 20-25 minutes away too

spring_time

We go in spurts of seeing them every week (too much) to once a month. On the weekends we do not see them, they talk on the phone with my kids.  However, it is my DH who manages it.  They do not typically call us, but it is because they don't want to impose.  They are polite to a fault.

What is your DH's role is this? I tend to deal with my family, and he deals with his.

jallen76

DH doesn't do a whole lot and says that "we cant' change who they are and they can do what they want."  Not to worry about it. He talks to them two time a month or so.  I just wish my kids had more of a relationship with them.  So frustrating...I guess DH is right, I can't change them and I need to just let it be how it is.

dizzycooks

We skype with them weekly and dh talks to them almost daily.  It's a whole lot of talking about nothing though.  They rarely visit, maybe 5 times a year for a day or two tops.  We go visit them about the same, but it's not often.  Skype works well.  I do not talk with them on my own, they only call dh and I don't go out of my way to call them.

spring_time

jallen76 said:

DH doesn't do a whole lot and says that "we cant' change who they are and they can do what they want."  Not to worry about it. He talks to them two time a month or so.  I just wish my kids had more of a relationship with them.  So frustrating...I guess DH is right, I can't change them and I need to just let it be how it is.

Unfortunately, I think he is right.  It doesn't sound like he has a real close relationship with them either.  Some families are just like this and you can't force them into your vision of a grandparent.  

There are some people who relish the grandparent role, and others who figure they raised their children and now is the time for them to enjoy their life on their terms.  If you want them to be in contact, would they be interested in Skype or FaceTime.  For some people, including myself, talking on the phone with children is painful.  I don't even like talking to my own children on the phone.

Also, if it is any consolation, they can still have a relationship.  It just won't be the relationship you envision.  I was incredibly close to my maternal grandmother. She lived with us for awhile, and even went on family vacations with us. My dad's parents were not around.  We talked to them on our birthdays...maybe.  They sent my parents a check at Christmas time, and there was always a gift from them under the tree. They visited once every couple of years, and we visited them twice. My parents never said anything bad about them, and it was always very exciting to hear from them.   I still feel like there was a relationship, it was just different.

It also might all change as your kids get older.  A few of my cousins were able to establish a closer relationship with my grandparents once they became teenagers and adults. There is still time. 

hlm184

I talk to FIL occasionally on facebook.  Apart from DH's monthly email to FIL, that is pretty much the only contact we have with them, at DH's wishes.

MomIn2013

My IL's live halfway across the world, and only speak a bit of English, so I don't "really" get to talk to them much. DH tries to call/Skype every weekend, though. It's sad, but they've never had a chance to meet DS because too many factors prevent everyone from making the trip to visit the others.

ToastieSimons

mine live 15 min away and probably see my kids (their only grandkids) maybe once a month.

Spin313

ILs live about a half an hour away. We see them about every other month, generally for birthdays or holidays.

It used to surprise me that they live fairly close and don't really want to spend time with the kids...but whatever. My kids gets lots of love and attention from my parents.

Cherryblossoms07

If your husband says that your ILs are that way then I would follow his lead. 

My ILs are like that too.  They live across country.  My husband talks to them on the phone maybe 5 times a year and usually only because there is some kind of family news.  Like your ILs they travel all the time, but they only visit once every 2-3 years and usually only because it works well with their other travel plans.  It seems odd to me, but it works for them and DH is perfectly happy with it that way. 

jag101

My MIL have a better relationship than my own family, so very regularly. My FIL on the other hand is polar opposite. we will be seeing him for the first time in 5 years this weekend. It's not that there is any hard feelings, it's just the level of involvement that they chose to have.

notkateanymore

My FIL and I text every week or so? He sees the kids when he can, during hte school year he takes DD to church most Sundays. 

Aussie45

We've started to talk/see each other more now that DH's brother has moved back. He's living at his parents house (5 mins away from us) so we can see them for dinner and what not. DH is busy trying to get his CPA so he comes home at 5 and hangs out until DD goes to bed (7:30), then goes back to the office to study. He's been doing this for 2 weeks now and I'm going crazy so I've started initiating a lot more time to spend with them, mostly for my own sanity. I'm getting too lonely being by myself almost 24/7 so I try to set up days where I can hang out with people often.

How you sound (not calling them and seeing how long it takes them to call) is similar to how I felt about 6 months ago. I got sick of constantly trying to set things up to have them not reciprocate the actions. We talked to them and said we would like them to be more involved in our lives as well as DD. I had an awesome relationship with my grandparents and I want that for DD as well (we live only near ILs so it's them or nothing). After we talked, they tried to reach out more. It still is me initiating a lot of time, but I would rather do that than be constantly frustrated with them KWIM? I know it's irritating and believe me, it bugged me for the longest time. I got sick of feeling like that though and now I just try to let it roll off my shoulders. This is just how they are and we need to make the best of it.

AKB090609

We FaceTime on Sunday night. Other than that MIL will email/text me if she needs somthing or has a question.

We do the same with my mom, but she calls about stuff every few days.

bhuffman

My inlaws live about 20-25 minutes from us.  We see them about once a month.  DH RARELY calls them, and his mother usually calls him once a week.  She sometimes messages me on Facebook.  They are extremely judgmental and hard to get along with, so once per month is about all DH and I can handle.  

The strained relationship does make me sad for DH and our kids sometimes, but I can't change it.  I've tried to encourage more face time, but usually DH or I regret that decision because it's uncomfortable and awkward...

I'm with the others that say to follow your DH's lead on it.

lollitots

ILs live about 10 minutes away. We don't have a strained relationship or anything, but they just aren't into the kids. We see/hear from them about every three months. I'm usually the one calling first. My oldest is 9, and they have taken her out once in her life, for lunch when she turned 5. They have taken the middle to lunch twice and the littlest never. They have never had them overnight and babysit for us about once a year. It is kind of sad but they just aren't into the kids so I have come to accept it.

There is one other grandkid. He lives with his mom across the country and visits for a week or two about three times a year. They keep him at their home when he is in town and take him everywhere, to Disney, the zoo, beach, pool, park and wherever else he wants to go. He also gets large gifts from them. This is the part that bugs me the most, explaining to my kids why he gets the attention and they don't. Sucks. I think they are missing out on knowing some pretty terrific kids.

seells

We see my ILs at least once a week. They live about 3 mins away and spend at least 1 day every weekend with DD. She has a room at their house and typically spends the night.

My family are the crappy ones. My dad and step mom live in town. They see DD maybe once every 3 months. It sucks that they are so wrapped up in my step moms kids/granddaughter but I'm thankful she has my husbands family and they are amazing. So the people who are missing out are my family.

jnksmom

MIL and I don't talk regularly. She only calls me when she has a question or needs something. H talks to her 1-2 times a week though and we see her every other Sunday. We don't have a relationship with FIL and haven't talked to or seen him in 4 years.

In your situation I would follow your H's lead. He knows his parents best and you cannot force a relationship. I had to step back with MIL and realize that she is forming a relationship or lack of with our kids. Even though we see her every other week now she is still kind of hands off which is completely opposite from my parents. H says she was like that as a parent also so I have accepted that is how she is.

orangegoggles

Everyday. We are much closer with the inlaws than my parents for a variety of reasons. They live really close to us too so that is a big part of it.