Should we talk to SS about this?

JessH1474

A little background...DH and BM had SS13 when they were 18 and only stayed together until he was 3 months old.  DH and I got together when SS was around 6 months old.  In the beginning things were horrible as you can probably expect from two teenagers.  DH and BM could not get along at all and things would get pretty hostile when they would try to exchange SS.   DH being 18 years old new nothing about court orders and standard visitation, so they just worked it out on their own.  BM would not always allow DH to see SS, everything was on her time.  A court order was put in place when SS was 3 which allows DH EOW, holidays and summer time.  He has been paying child support since they broke up.

The kids stayed with my mom last week and it got brought up in conversation about something that SS used to do when he was a baby that we thought was funny.  SS said to my mom "You guys didn't know me when I was a baby, you didn't start seeing me until I was 3".  My mom quickly told him that was not true and that she personally changed many of his diapers and can tell him many stories about him as a baby when he was with us.  She told me just so I would know, but I have not said anything to DH as I know it would really hurt his feelings.  I just don't know where to go from here.  My first reaction was to talk to SS and let him know that we most definitely did not start seeing him when he was 3.  It just kills me that he thinks that for the first 3 years of his life, we were not around.  Clearly that is what he's been told by BM during one of the times when she was probably mad at DH but it still hurts.  I don't know if we should just leave it alone since my mom did take the opportunity to try to clear that up when it came up, or if we should still talk to SS about it.  What do you guys think? 

joshsmandy

I would ( and have ) taken photos if my SD and us from her whole life and put them in photo books and I leave them out in the open so that when she gets told things such as this she can see for herself that it is not true. I do this so that she's not being told two different things and left to figure out whose not telling the truth on her own. Not sure if this will help you but just wanted to offer an alternative.

nattyncbride

I think if this topic naturally comes up in conversation with you, it would make sense to let him know that you were in his life before 3 in a non-defensive manner.  He's 13; it does sound like he has been given misinformation, but I don't think he's determining your worth on this.  It also sounds like your mom told him what the real deal is in a nice, sweet way.

My boyfriend's son (9) will say things that clearly indicate he's been fed some misinformation.  I was the type to forcefully (and defensively) set the record straight.  It didn't do us any favors; if anything, it exposed my insecurities and made me look childish.  So I am giving you this advice from experience!

I'm sure SS knows how much you care, and as he gets older, and esp. when he becomes an adult, he will know how involved you were/are.

JessH1474

Thank you for the replies.  We do have pictures of SS out around the house of when he was a baby with DH and myself and the other kids, so he's got to at least know that can't be completely true.  I think BM has told him that we "saw him when we wanted to" so the pictures may not help him understand.  Our relationship with BM is civil now, mainly b/c we don't need to do a lot of communicating now that SS is getting older, but she would probably still stand by the fact that she feels DH never saw SS during that time to this day, so that wouldn't really help us.  I think we will leave it alone for now and if it comes up again directly to DH or myself, we will take that chance to explain things to him.  Thanks again ladies!