Blended Families
acbarbour
member
Dealing with deaths in blended families
acbarbour
member
Backstory - My mom married SF#1 when I was 2.5 yrs old and had two of my brothers. He was in the Navy and was involved in a freak accident that killed three of his shipmates when only he should have been injured. He was not the same after that and he began to abuse my mom and they separated when I was 7. My mom married SF#2 when I was 10 (still married) and had my brother and sister.
On Sunday SF#1 passed away very unexpectedly. We had a good relationship after the divorce and often he would include me in his visitation with his boys because my father is very uninvolved and he was the only dad I knew as a child. Since I went away for college we have not been in constant contact and my husband has only met him once or twice. People in his immediate family are asking me to help them with things and relying on me to help them with their grief. They keep asking how my mom and brothers are doing but nobody has considered my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do because he was not my dad and there were some very bad times but he cared about me when nobody else could sometimes. He was the only man I had every called daddy and considered me his daughter even after the divorce.
I have gotten tired of explaining to people that my dad and step-dad have not passed by my brothers dad. Because our relationship wasn't very public or plausiable to them some of his family has decided that I barely remember him. My brothers have asked me to sit with them, their uncle and grandfather and some people are upset because I am just the ex-step-daughter.
I am angry because people keep asking me to define my relationship with SF#1, they keep determining I am not really family, and they have decided that I am not close enough to be in mourning. I am hurt because the people that I considered family have again decided that I am not really related and therefore don't matter. I am sad that I lost my dad. It doesn't matter if he was my first, second, or fifteenth dad, he was still my dad.
Sorry it was long. I seem to be full of vents and hurt feelings lately but I really needed to get this out and I usually go to my brother about things but right now I can't, he is dealing with enough.
On Sunday SF#1 passed away very unexpectedly. We had a good relationship after the divorce and often he would include me in his visitation with his boys because my father is very uninvolved and he was the only dad I knew as a child. Since I went away for college we have not been in constant contact and my husband has only met him once or twice. People in his immediate family are asking me to help them with things and relying on me to help them with their grief. They keep asking how my mom and brothers are doing but nobody has considered my feelings. I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do because he was not my dad and there were some very bad times but he cared about me when nobody else could sometimes. He was the only man I had every called daddy and considered me his daughter even after the divorce.
I have gotten tired of explaining to people that my dad and step-dad have not passed by my brothers dad. Because our relationship wasn't very public or plausiable to them some of his family has decided that I barely remember him. My brothers have asked me to sit with them, their uncle and grandfather and some people are upset because I am just the ex-step-daughter.
I am angry because people keep asking me to define my relationship with SF#1, they keep determining I am not really family, and they have decided that I am not close enough to be in mourning. I am hurt because the people that I considered family have again decided that I am not really related and therefore don't matter. I am sad that I lost my dad. It doesn't matter if he was my first, second, or fifteenth dad, he was still my dad.
Sorry it was long. I seem to be full of vents and hurt feelings lately but I really needed to get this out and I usually go to my brother about things but right now I can't, he is dealing with enough.
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Re: Dealing with deaths in blended families
@ilumine your right. I don't know all of the details of the divorce but from what I remember he was a good dad and husband but after that accident he was not able to handle any stress or make any decisions. He was verbally and mentally abusive to my mother but never us. My mom and her family are fine with my involvement and encouraged us to remain close. He was a great weekend dad. He came to games and recitals, he was on the back wall at every awards assembly but was no able to care for a family every day. He was aware of this and so were we.
The people with a problem are SF's brothers and cousins. The aunts and uncles that never really had any involvement in his day to day but have an opinion about how proper something is or not. These are the relatives that show up because they know there is a life insurance policy and are trying to ensure there are less hands to share. I shouldn't let these people get to me and I have been using these last few days to build up my thick skin.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such insensitive people.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and reassurance. The funeral was this past Thursday and over a hundred people were there and everything was beautiful. Out of all those people only two were downright disrespectful to me and nothing blatant enough for anyone else to notice. Although they did make a few snide remarks to my sister in law thinking she was me. She is a heavy set woman (similar build to my mother) and 16 weeks pregnant with twins so more curvy than usual. A few people told her she managed to be just as fat as her mom. Her responses had them picking their jaws off the ground. I Love her!!!