Angry (living children mentioned - salsawifey)

salsa_wifey

I lost my sweet baby boy the beginning of April at 16 weeks.  I still haven't quite faced the loss.  Not everyone knew I was pregnant when I lost him and we only told those who knew I was pregnant that I lost the baby.  We don't talk about it.  I feel like those who did know, have forgotten about it.  Which makes me feel like it didn't happen - the pregnancy or the loss. I'm angry. A lot. I get angry very easily and have anxiety. Some days are better than others.

We've decided to start trying again. I'm scared. So scared. I know that all joy of pregnancy is in my past and I will never feel that again. I will be in constant fear or just expect each appt to end badly. I worry that I will not bond with my baby or that I could cause the baby harm with my constant worry. I will be so scared to announce another pregnancy with fear of losing another baby. I know now there is no "safe" point in pregnancy. I worry most of all of having a late loss or stillborn or losing a child after birth. I fear for my two living children more than normal.

I had pathology results come back as normal. I almost wish I had an answer. I feel like there is an answer and they just didn't find it or didn't look for it or couldn't test for it. I want a way to prevent losing another baby. I just can't.... but my desire for another baby still outweighs the risk... and so we try again.

brendisimma

I admire you for owning and expressing all of your emotions, that takes a lot of courage and strength. I'm sorry for your loss and believe many of us who experience this type of tragedy (cause it IS a tragedy) possibly go through post traumatic stress disorder and we ride it out. The fact that you're willing to try again, fear and all, ALREADY makes you a loving mother..the fact that you're afraid for the safety of your kids is also based from pure love. I read a New York Times article about pregnancy being handled as a nine month illness nowadays instead of a natural event, so sad but true. Wishing you the best.

KingLED

I really don't know what to say. Just want to give you lots of hugs. Take care of yourself.

LimaD

I am SO sorry for your loss and what you're going through.  
First of all, anger is completely normal after a miscarriage.  It is a part of the grieving process. After my M/C earlier this month, I received a book about dealing with grief after a miscarriage (It's called Free to Grieve) and it's written by a woman who has had multiple MCs so she really "gets it."  Anyway, she talks about the grieving process and included all of those feelings, including fear, that you mentioned.  I too am afraid that I will never get to enjoy a pregnancy ever again because of constant worry.  I just wanted you to know that how you are feeling is completely justified and normal. You are a grieving mom

No one besides my husband and I knew I was pregnant before we miscarried.  After it happened, we told everyone (family and close friends via phone/text and everyone else via Facebook).  I feel like it has tremendously helped with the grieving process.  Since people are aware, they can offer their condolences and small acts of kindness to show they care, which to me was a big deal. If you are ok with telling people, it's never too late, you might get much more support than you think you will. 

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

sfazar

I'm very sorry for your loss--my heart goes out to you.  This is a terrible loss of innocence. I have had similar anger after my loss in January in my 11th week.  I could barely recognize myself. It only begun to subside with time--my last severe episode was maybe at the end of April.

As the other posters said, these are totally normal emotions of grief that you are going through, and they can be triggered afresh by little things.  It's really rotten!  But it won't feel this raw forever. 

I have been seeing a counselor once every couple of weeks. That's helped me a lot to have a safe place to express my thoughts and emotions and fears.  Have you considered finding someone to help you like this?

My best coping mechanism has been to take things one day at a time, and that will be my approach to any future pregnancy.

I also found some comfort in reading the mantras they post on the PGAL board. Maybe lurking there for a while will show you some strategies that provide new hope for you.

 

Lots of love (and I'm appending some of those mantras).

• Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
  
   I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise.
  

   My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c.
  
  Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you. We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!
  
   Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot  jinx your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!
  
  

  There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (God forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive

salsa_wifey

Ladies... thank you so much for your kind words and understanding.  It means more than I can express.

salsa_wifey

angie9661 - It's still really fresh for you.  You have to give yourself time to heal.  (((Hugs))) so sorry for your losses.