Blended Families

How do you do it?

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Re: How do you do it?

  • I don't have stepchildren but am going through a divorce and have so many fears about loving a man that will feel this way about my boys and/or my ex loving a woman that feels this way. I think it is so sad but I don't know what to tell you to help you. I'm sure she can feel your vibe and I know that can't help. Also, she is 6 so you need to work on finding things to connect with her (going to movies, nails, buying a new shirt, etc.) good luck. This sounds like a very difficult situation.
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Loading the player...
  • Being a step parent is NOT easy. No matter how natural it seems to come from other people, its a true struggle. I don't know what your husband's relationship is with the BM (if its amicable or not) but that also plays into the step parent/step child relationship, I think.

    You've known this child since she was about 2, if I'm reading correctly...that's a decent amount of time to be in her life. I'm sure she probably doesn't even remember a time in her life before you were in it with her. Just try to remember that she is a child raised on circumstances that are beyond her control. Parenting styles may not be what you and your husband agree with but she is your husband's daughter no matter what. 

    As for common ground and finding something to bond with her over, what about your new baby? Is she interested in the baby? Can you include her in on the things that she could help with like feedings and diaper changes? I've never met a little girl who didn't want to help with a baby-this could be something the two of you could share...

    I hope things get easier for you-
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Honestly, if you didn't grow up in a nurturing environment, I'm sure it is a very foreign idea to provide one in your own home. 

    My family growing up did not show much in terms of affection...we'd say "I love you" every night but there was hardly any hugging or kissing and absolutely nothing like cuddling. When I see my husband put my step son to bed every night and think about their "rituals" of story time and singing songs (when he was a bit younger) I'm reminded very strongly of how different my household now (the way I choose it to be as an adult) differs from my house growing up. I'm not saying my childhood was terrible, I just had to LEARN affection and that kind of stuff.

    I completely understand the feeling of disconnect and I can understand the stress it puts on your marriage. It's something I work on daily in my life and probably will for quite some time. 

    Have you thought about talking to a therapist about any of this? Maybe a professional ear could help alleviate some of the guilt you may be feeling...
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.

  • Thank you,

    You're right.  I've known her since she was two.  DH knows I struggle and we have gotten into arguments over my lack of involvement and I know that I struggle with it.  I didn't grow up in a very nurturing environment, so being involved with play times and activities with someone else's child is a very foreign business for me, much less being nurturing.

    She is interested in the baby, but only when I'm not around.  I breastfeed, so getting her involved with feedings would be a bit difficult.  lol  But I have tried getting her involved with changing diapers.  It's short-lived, but she enjoys helping.

    I hope it gets easier as she gets older.  DH wants so badly for us to interact more, but he doesn't understand my point of view.  No matter how many times I try to explain it to him.  He thinks I loving someone else's should just come automatically to everyone, and while it may for some, it doesn't for me.  I have a feeling she'll be well into her teens before we're able to connect the way he wants.

    His relationship with BM is great.  They understand that they're better off just being friends and while it was really difficult to get to where they are today, I couldn't ask for anything better. 
    Try not to think of her as "someone else's child." She's not just some random child. She's your husband's child. Take BM completely out of the picture and remember that this child is equal to your shared child in your husband's eyes and that should mean something to you. Relationships of all kinds take work and in this circumstance, you're the adult and she's the child. It's going to be up to you to develop that relationship.
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • @natalawson

    You are fine. Continue to work on your relationship with your SD-seek help from a professional who has experience in family therapy. You are taking good strides in a better relationship with your SD-just keep remembering that she is really just a little girl. 

    I think its a very difficult thing to admit that you aren't perfect and you don't have the kind of relationship you wish for. All you can do is improve yourself and your SD will reap the rewards of a healthy relationship with you. 
  • I wasn't trying to be harsh. I legitimately think re-framing the way you think about her as your husband;s child vs "someone else's" child will help bridge that gap. Also, relationships of all kinds are hard but you really are the only one in this type of relationship that can change anything because the other party is just a kid. 
  • I think the issue you are expressing here is you don't know what to do with a kid? You don't "hold conversations" with kids like you do with adults. You can't just walk up and ask what their opinion on the weather or news or whatever is. Kids like to play. Some girls like to play nails and dress up, some don't. YOU don't have to like it to do it with your SD. Do you know how much I LOVE trains, or monster trucks, or the same Mickey Mouse episode over and over and over, or playing cops and robbers? I do not love any of these things, I don't even particularly like these things. However, that doesn't mean I don't make an effort to do things with my SS, because HE loves them and I love him. And no, it's not the same as loving your own, but that's like saying you can't love a best friend because you aren't related, or an Aunt can't love their nieces/nephews because they didn't give birth to them. Being a stepparent is a different relationship than being a parent- you can still love them without it being the same way you would love your own. Kids at 6 are still excited about the world, so why not try introducing her to something YOU love to do? Make it fun, and maybe make it something just the two of you do. Go in with the expectation that she is a kid and it won't be exactly how you may do it, but it's not about the end result, it's about the process.

     

    Examples: My SS LOVES Mickey Mouse, I LOVE to read (previous to my being in his life, nobody read to him, at all). We read a Mickey story every night when he is with us. His favorite is about a bake sale for dogs. I also love arts/crafts, so last summer, I made him a chef hat, I made a cardboard Toodles with all the tools from the book, and I got a recipe for the cookies that they make in the story. I suck at baking...the cookies were terrible, but I let him help me measure, and we acted out the story. We didn't hold a conversation, but we played. He loved it. We had empty boxes in the house, so we built a fort on a rainy night, took flashlights in and read stories- or you could set up in front of the tv and watch your favorite movie from when you were a kid. I like science, so we took him to the Science Museum and walked around and watched him learn and played with him. He loves trains, so we found a real train near us that rides for fairly cheap and made a day of it- in fact, he loves all vehicles, so now we have a "bucket list" of modes of transportation to check off. I found pictures of different vehicles, he colored them, cut them out, and we glued them on a board and hung it on his wall. When we want to figure out something to do, we try to find ways to check off our list.

     

    We get SS EOWE, I have been in his life since he was 2, and he just turned 5. Do you not get summer/holiday breaks?

    fbls


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Oh! Also, we have a similar situation in that SS is raised in an environment we not only do not care for, but would never replicate in our own home. I told DH from the very beginning, when we were discussing the whole BF thing, that I would not be helping raise him in our household with any less than the same expectations we would have for future children. DH did not have much of an example for parents, but mine were fantastic, and I had a very clear idea of my philosiphies on families- which we were in agreement about. It wasn't easy at first for SS, but as I pointed out to DH, rules are different everywhere we go. SS has different rules at Mommy's house than at daycare, and preschool, and a friend's birthday party, and at Daddy's house too. We stuck to our guns, and you would not believe the night and day difference that he has at our house. She will send him over complaining that he won't sit in time out, he is telling her to "shut up," he is hitting his cousins, etc. and we see a completely different kid, because he knows our expectations. It's about being consistent and clear, and on the same page as your DH. He recently got into not wanting to eat anything but fast food. I cook nearly every night. I always make foods SS likes, but we do not eat take out all the time, nor do we eat the same meal every day/night. SS can either have what we are having, or be hungry...he chooses food every time.
    fbls


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • SigirSigir member

    I am sorry that you had a hard childhood.  I also had a family that was not cuddly and physically loving.  In addition, my mom was absent from a lot of my formative years because she was in the hospital.  I was passed along to a lot of different friends of the family and never really felt like I belonged.  The funny thing is that when I had my own family, I went out of my way to be extra physically affectionate.  I wanted to make sure that my kids did not feel the way that I did.  It’s sad for your poor sd that you went the other way. 

    You’ve had 4 years to try to figure out how to pretend to love this child.  These 4 years was a time when the child was at the most lovable and welcoming stages of development.  If you did not do it then, it’s going to be ten times more difficult to do it now, as the child grows into the more difficult periods of development.  I would bet that the reason that you have to pull conversations out of the child is because they know that you don’t like them and wish they were not there.  So so sad for this poor innocent child.  L  I remember what it felt like to be somewhere where I felt I was a burden and did not belong.  I was quiet and withdrawn  because I was trying to disappear.  My heart hurts for this child. 

    It’s amusing to me that when the child is a teen, you think that you will magically connect.  More likely is that the teen will despise you for the terrible years you put her though, of making her feel unwelcome in her own home.  And she will despise her father for marrying you.

    Why did you marry a man with a child when you felt this way?  It was a mistake.  I know hindsight is 20/20, but you are damaging this poor child.  It makes sense that you and your dh fight about this, because he is right and you are wrong. 

    No one expects that you will love this child instantly or like your own.  That does not happen for anyone.  But it seems like you expected that to happen for you, and when it didn’t, you just gave up.  There was a great question on a recent “Dear Prudence” that you should take a look at- this is how a good SM should act. 

    https://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/04/dear_prudence_my_second_wife_says_she_doesn_t_love_my_children.html

    The ppers who have good relationships with their step kids- it did not happen instantly.  It’s hard.  But they did the work, and now the kids are thriving.  You chose not to do the work.  Please step up now, put your nose down, and do the work.  It’s for an innocent child that is hurting.  She did not choose to have you as a SM.  You chose to marry a man w a baby.  You need to do the work. 

    I am being harsh to try to be a wake up call for you.  You need to get into therapy to try to fix this problem, it’s the only possible solution that I see.  You have a lot of excuses, so strangers on a message board will not get through to you.  You need to drop the excuses and look at the ugly facts of what you are doing to this child.  Then, call your insurance company and get some referrals to therapists.  I am sure your dh would be thrilled to hear you are taking this step. 

  • edited June 2014
    I do understand what kind of environment you're talking about, it sounds like our bms could be one and the same, and we to get pretty much non stop talk about going back to bms or wishing he was at bms, in between all the times he's talking about how much fun he's having. However, one thing I've taken away from (mostly lurking) this board is that you have to give up on resenting bm or using her as an excuse. Just because SD is close with her, doesn't mean she can't have a relationship with you. It won't be the same, but it can still be special. HOWEVER, I also agree with pp, you have to quit making excuses, realize that little kids are a lot less judgemental than adults, so chances are good that if you consistently make an effort, she will reciprocate. Not being imaginitive is an excuse though. Can't come up with something on your own? Google, pinterest, etc, literally do whatever you liked to do as a kid. You made a commitment, to your husband and by default to her, so you are 4 years behind and it's time to jump in head first.

    ETA words
    fbls


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Well now you just assumed something about us - that we all just think it's easy to fall in love with a child.  That's not true. We know it's work. We know it' s hard. We know there are challenges. 

    After four years, if you haven't figured this out yet, you need to work with a family counselor that can teach you how to relate, or read books to a child, or whatever.

    What to know a secret? I have a four year old. I don't like to play toddler games either. I can't wait until we can play scrabble or UNO.  Anything more mentally challenging would be lovely.  I can only do the matching game and candyland so many times before I want to pull my hair out. But I do it. Or...I find other things that are fun for both of us. Thankfully, my daughter LOVES to go for walks and ride her tricycle. I do too.  We explore flowers, bugs, trees, etc.  We also love the sun and to swim. And she is getting me more interested in dinosaurs than I ever have been.  Because it's what she loves.  She rolls around the grass and we play on the playground. Every kid is different. FIgure it out and go from there, because NO. Even if you figure this out and you all start to get along well...guess what?  They change. They turn into moody teenagers.  But you'll do better if you build a solid, friendly, and kind relationship NOW.  It won't come later very easily at all.  

    If you really want this to get better - get professional help. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
  • I wasn't going to reply, but I feel like interjecting something here.

    I think you have gotten great advice from many PPs. I think it takes courage to face your imperfections and ask for help. More so in parenting than in any other aspect of life, in my opinion.

    I absolutely love my SD and IRL don't distinguish her as a step child. But I still can see where you are coming from. I'm an introvert, and sometimes (a lot of the time) my SD and my DS just make me want to go for a very long walk alone. I don't always like to talk to them. I rarely want to play any of the games they want me to. I like my time in my own head alone without them over stimulating me.

    BUT I make myself do the things they love and listen to them attentively because I know how much they need it. Children like to see your love and have a hard time just knowing you love them without being shown. You also know what kind of agony this is causing in your life, so why not decide that you are going to show them something different so that they never feel this way? So that they never go through this themselves?

    I didn't grow up in an affectionate home either. It wasn't a bad childhood, but it was cold and there was a traumatic event that everything centered around. I decided that I would make my home different. True, I'm not an overly affectionate person and I would never make it as a stay at home mom, but I make myself give each kid a hug and kiss randomly and tell them I love them and that I'm proud of them with no prompting reason every single day. That's something I was never given, and I know it absolutely makes their world go round.

    You're going to have to force some things. And you're going to have to find a way to do it with a joyful heart. You don't ever have to feel like her bio mom. The love between bio and step is different. But you should start thinking of her as yours and not just his or someone else's. She is partly your child, to rear and raise and hopefully to love.


    But from the way it sounds, you may feel a biological bond with your LO, but odds are you are going to have many of the same feelings or lack there of toward your bio children. Not that you don't love them, but aren't able to show them and don't feel particularly attached.

    And with SD, things will not get better. You have to decide to make them different and make yourself better. You will hope she responds and reciprocates, but she might never shake the feelings that she probably already has of being unwanted and unloved by you. If she doesn't respond, as the adult, you don't let your feelings and efforts waver in reaction.

    Love is a choice, not a feeling. If it were a feeling, it would never last for anyone. Lead your heart. Never follow it because it can be deceitful and easily tricked.
  • @Natalawson  Thanks for posting this. It's nice to know others feel this way.  I'm kind of in the same boat.  Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk.  
  • I know I'm coming late to this thread, but I can identify with how you're feeling, so I wanted to offer my advice. My step-sons are 8 and 10, and I've only known them for three years, so they were already big kids and no longer cuddly babies or toddlers — them being of the opposite sex didn't help make me any more comfortable with them, either. We've had them every other weekend for the past school year, and I've noticed that when they only see their dad every other weekend, have to transition to a different house with different rules, but only have a few days to settle in there before they're back with their mom in their "usual" house, it's hard for them to relax and get comfortable. This doesn't make our relationship easier to navigate, since they are on edge and we don't have enough time to get used to each other.

    This summer we have them every other week for the full week, and that has helped my relationship with them so much I can't tell you how great it has been. They have time to feel at home here in our house, everyone relaxes and gets comfortable, and things start to normalize. I wonder if that sort of arrangement might help you connect with your SD more, too. You probably think "a whole week? That sounds like torture!" and believe me, I understand. That's what I thought, too, when I knew these two big, loud, dirty boys would be in my house for a whole week (I also have a five-year-old boy from a previous marriage with me 50% of the time, and a new baby boy). But really, the longer stretch of time really helped everyone feel more comfortable with each other.

    Maybe that's not possible in your situation, but just knowing that she might not have time to fully adjust to your house and being with you and her dad might help you be a little more understanding toward her and why you two aren't connecting. Good luck!
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"